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Dec. 30th, 2020 11:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressI use "crazy" as a shorthand to denote a lot of things about my brain, because it is crazy, when I am here. It is spiraling and dissociation and fracturing, but crazy is sort of a lazy word. I don't really know what is better to sum it up.
"Unstable" almost seems right, except it goes against the part where I insist that there is a strong difference between sanity and stability and I only ever lose the former. Besides I'm...not? I don't know. I'm never going to hurt someone else when I'm crazy. And I have specific insanities designed to stop me from hurting myself, and they've worked. In thirty one years, I have never actually taken a knife to my skin.
I used to call it Her and part of me still wants to but also like no? She doesn't deserve the additional power that comes from a name and it feels...complicated to refer to the bad part of my brain in the feminine when the rest of me is neutral. She's not like Gabriel or Alis, who do have genders but they also have existences that are broader and more complex than She will ever be. She is just...pits and the bad words that Gabriel says I'm not allowed to type.
(There is merit in his plan. If writing makes things into truth then maybe someday not writing could set me free of it. But it means I can't read it later and then I don't know if it happened or not. Maybe that's still okay, to not have the exact words when I know there will be more of them later. It's not like I've suddenly started deserving things or there's been any appreciable change in my fundamental truths.)
At any rate, I use crazy sometimes because let's be real, I am always crazy at least a little, but I'm usually using it when things are very very apparent. Like the times when I don't breathe for a while --I figured this out during the AGM two summers ago, it's because if I stop my breathing then I can almost be still enough to be allowed to exist. My heartbeat ruins it, and I always have to start breathing again eventually, but there's value there, in the stillness, in the nothing.
Hm. Reading my notes from back then (I took good notes, that time around, some of the best I've ever had for one of the worst bouts of crazy) and I found a reminder that one of my friends was kind to me, and got me something to drink at the picnic, and that is enough for sobbing. Not then because there were too many people then and I can just stop being here when there are people around, but now, because oh, she was kind.
And it's a reminder that sobbing is different from crazy, although they share some of the same halls. Sobbing means I exist anyways, because it's loud and gasping and usually I shake. I guess maybe it just runs parallel with crazy because they take turns sometimes, the loud and dramatic versus the silent and still.
Anyways, saying "I am crazy right now" is a sentence that wants to be so much more than it actually is, but I don't know all the parts to make it make sense to anyone except me. I don't need to explain it to myself, I already know how it feels to be here. But it would be useful, if I'm going to insist on being useless, to be able to explain that better to the rest of the world.
If I post this with comments turned off, I don't have to face the possibility that no one replied because no one cared. I think it would be better not to post it at all, but that's not who I am since I can't even disappear correctly. What's the word-swap you're supposed to do for children? Replace "they're seeking attention" with "they're seeking connection".
But it's 2020 and if I can't take care of anyone else anymore why the fuck would I expect anyone else to have enough energy left to try and take care of me? We are all too broken for this year.
(I mean it. I'm not a risk to myself or others. Do not enact emergency procedures for something that will feel different tomorrow.)
.
MOOP!
"Unstable" almost seems right, except it goes against the part where I insist that there is a strong difference between sanity and stability and I only ever lose the former. Besides I'm...not? I don't know. I'm never going to hurt someone else when I'm crazy. And I have specific insanities designed to stop me from hurting myself, and they've worked. In thirty one years, I have never actually taken a knife to my skin.
I used to call it Her and part of me still wants to but also like no? She doesn't deserve the additional power that comes from a name and it feels...complicated to refer to the bad part of my brain in the feminine when the rest of me is neutral. She's not like Gabriel or Alis, who do have genders but they also have existences that are broader and more complex than She will ever be. She is just...pits and the bad words that Gabriel says I'm not allowed to type.
(There is merit in his plan. If writing makes things into truth then maybe someday not writing could set me free of it. But it means I can't read it later and then I don't know if it happened or not. Maybe that's still okay, to not have the exact words when I know there will be more of them later. It's not like I've suddenly started deserving things or there's been any appreciable change in my fundamental truths.)
At any rate, I use crazy sometimes because let's be real, I am always crazy at least a little, but I'm usually using it when things are very very apparent. Like the times when I don't breathe for a while --I figured this out during the AGM two summers ago, it's because if I stop my breathing then I can almost be still enough to be allowed to exist. My heartbeat ruins it, and I always have to start breathing again eventually, but there's value there, in the stillness, in the nothing.
Hm. Reading my notes from back then (I took good notes, that time around, some of the best I've ever had for one of the worst bouts of crazy) and I found a reminder that one of my friends was kind to me, and got me something to drink at the picnic, and that is enough for sobbing. Not then because there were too many people then and I can just stop being here when there are people around, but now, because oh, she was kind.
And it's a reminder that sobbing is different from crazy, although they share some of the same halls. Sobbing means I exist anyways, because it's loud and gasping and usually I shake. I guess maybe it just runs parallel with crazy because they take turns sometimes, the loud and dramatic versus the silent and still.
Anyways, saying "I am crazy right now" is a sentence that wants to be so much more than it actually is, but I don't know all the parts to make it make sense to anyone except me. I don't need to explain it to myself, I already know how it feels to be here. But it would be useful, if I'm going to insist on being useless, to be able to explain that better to the rest of the world.
If I post this with comments turned off, I don't have to face the possibility that no one replied because no one cared. I think it would be better not to post it at all, but that's not who I am since I can't even disappear correctly. What's the word-swap you're supposed to do for children? Replace "they're seeking attention" with "they're seeking connection".
But it's 2020 and if I can't take care of anyone else anymore why the fuck would I expect anyone else to have enough energy left to try and take care of me? We are all too broken for this year.
(I mean it. I'm not a risk to myself or others. Do not enact emergency procedures for something that will feel different tomorrow.)
.
MOOP!