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Jun. 16th, 2010 05:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressTrigger warning, suicide allusions
What on Earth could make you, when looking straight at the crazy, decide to stay?
It's a rhetorical question for now. Sparr did stay (or not kick me out, which I suppose is the equivalent) and somehow seems fine with the fact that I am not altogether there. But then again, I said it to him and I'll say it here:
I'm a really functional crazy.
I don't feel that way all the time. When I'm in the middle of a panic attack about something stupid, it's really hard to remember that I am functional, and I can deal with this shit. But, well, there it is. I can deal with this shit.
Would therapy help me? Absa-fucking-loutely, and I'll be looking it up when I go back to Lesley in the fall. But can I survive without? Sure. Sometimes I'll freak out and cry and not bother telling anyone, and sometimes I'll freak out and cry and only tell whoever happens to be closest at the time, but either way, or hell, even if I shout my pain to the world, I WILL get the pain sorted out and feel much better for the catharsis.
I can do that. The best thing about being clumsy is having quick reflexes, and the best thing about being broken is that I know how to scar. Yes, my brain is broken, but unless it breaks in a new and different way, I've seen this path before, and managed to come out whole. One of the nicest tools I've got in my arsenal is the fact that "This Is Not Worth Killing Myself Over", and if it's not worth suicide, then I guess I'm eventually going to be okay.
(I don't know if I'm ever going to hit the point where something *is* worth killing myself over. But at least as long as Veronica and Mek are alive, I promise you lot that I simply won't be capable of moving my little finger1. Survival instinct is all well and good, but it pales in comparison to the strength in which I simply will not hurt people.)
So that's that. Similar to the fact that I actually am a far more talented person than I give myself credit for, I really am a bit more stable than I feel sometime. Now, let's just work on that *epic* level insecurity problem (and yes, the whole lack of motivation thing), and I'll see if I can't turn out to be a pretty damn awesome person after all.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: 'Cause all you have to do is move your little finger, squeeze your little finger and you can change the world. What? You expect my suicidal lyrics to come from an actually emo song? Fuck that noise, I've got *musicals!* to play with!
(In case you can't tell, this is a happy entry. Hugs and all are nice, but not necessary in the slightest.)
Trigger warning, suicide allusions
What on Earth could make you, when looking straight at the crazy, decide to stay?
It's a rhetorical question for now. Sparr did stay (or not kick me out, which I suppose is the equivalent) and somehow seems fine with the fact that I am not altogether there. But then again, I said it to him and I'll say it here:
I'm a really functional crazy.
I don't feel that way all the time. When I'm in the middle of a panic attack about something stupid, it's really hard to remember that I am functional, and I can deal with this shit. But, well, there it is. I can deal with this shit.
Would therapy help me? Absa-fucking-loutely, and I'll be looking it up when I go back to Lesley in the fall. But can I survive without? Sure. Sometimes I'll freak out and cry and not bother telling anyone, and sometimes I'll freak out and cry and only tell whoever happens to be closest at the time, but either way, or hell, even if I shout my pain to the world, I WILL get the pain sorted out and feel much better for the catharsis.
I can do that. The best thing about being clumsy is having quick reflexes, and the best thing about being broken is that I know how to scar. Yes, my brain is broken, but unless it breaks in a new and different way, I've seen this path before, and managed to come out whole. One of the nicest tools I've got in my arsenal is the fact that "This Is Not Worth Killing Myself Over", and if it's not worth suicide, then I guess I'm eventually going to be okay.
(I don't know if I'm ever going to hit the point where something *is* worth killing myself over. But at least as long as Veronica and Mek are alive, I promise you lot that I simply won't be capable of moving my little finger1. Survival instinct is all well and good, but it pales in comparison to the strength in which I simply will not hurt people.)
So that's that. Similar to the fact that I actually am a far more talented person than I give myself credit for, I really am a bit more stable than I feel sometime. Now, let's just work on that *epic* level insecurity problem (and yes, the whole lack of motivation thing), and I'll see if I can't turn out to be a pretty damn awesome person after all.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: 'Cause all you have to do is move your little finger, squeeze your little finger and you can change the world. What? You expect my suicidal lyrics to come from an actually emo song? Fuck that noise, I've got *musicals!* to play with!
(In case you can't tell, this is a happy entry. Hugs and all are nice, but not necessary in the slightest.)
Trigger warning, suicide allusions
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no subject
on 2010-06-17 12:42 am (UTC)HA! Now I have proof for the next time the negvox come calling! I will taunt them with this post and be all "Harena is stro-ong, Harena is stro-ong", and they will burst into flames and shrivel up and die!
(Especially because you *are* strong! You're the strongest ferret I know!)
*waves her hand wildly* I give a rat's ass, Har! If you ever hurt yourself I will be REALLY REALLY EXTREMELY IRRITATED with you. I will have to be stern and make this face at you: >:|
(and probably cry, because I like you too much for you to be hurt. See that, Har, you can't hurt yourself or I'll CRY! No, I am *not* above that sort of emotional manipulation when it comes to keeping my friends stable and in one piece, nyah-nyah.)
*HUGGLESMUCHLY BACK!*
~Sor
no subject
on 2010-06-18 12:00 pm (UTC)And yar, seeing those words, typing those words were hard. i find it very hard to believe a lot of the time. Especially when the hormones are being asses. but i am slowly getting better at realizing that they are there, that they aren't me, that they are exaggerated, and even if i can't change the doubt & fear they evoke at least i see them for what they truly are.
And no... i never know how to express this to people... i will never ever hurt myself no matter how suicidal i feel. Because i'm too afraid of pain (just picturing myself slicing my arms/wrists makes me shudder in ackyness *rubs the inside of her arm soothingly after typing that*) too afraid of what comes after, too afraid. i cleverly hurt myself far more on the inside vis a vis ye olde negvox instead ;P. So have no fear there, dear Sor *hgugles*
Thank you for so very demonstratively giving a rat's ass, it means more to me than i can ever express. :') <---no really, that's exactly what's happening as i type this
. o O (i need to dig out that email that Rtizy sent me a while back in response to an emo private post of mine that he made me send him a copy of... i am thinking it had similar things in it >.>)
*HGUGLESMUCHLYBACKINALLCAPS*