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[sorcyress]

Trigger warning, suicide allusions

What on Earth could make you, when looking straight at the crazy, decide to stay?

It's a rhetorical question for now. Sparr did stay (or not kick me out, which I suppose is the equivalent) and somehow seems fine with the fact that I am not altogether there. But then again, I said it to him and I'll say it here:

I'm a really functional crazy.

I don't feel that way all the time. When I'm in the middle of a panic attack about something stupid, it's really hard to remember that I am functional, and I can deal with this shit. But, well, there it is. I can deal with this shit.

Would therapy help me? Absa-fucking-loutely, and I'll be looking it up when I go back to Lesley in the fall. But can I survive without? Sure. Sometimes I'll freak out and cry and not bother telling anyone, and sometimes I'll freak out and cry and only tell whoever happens to be closest at the time, but either way, or hell, even if I shout my pain to the world, I WILL get the pain sorted out and feel much better for the catharsis.

I can do that. The best thing about being clumsy is having quick reflexes, and the best thing about being broken is that I know how to scar. Yes, my brain is broken, but unless it breaks in a new and different way, I've seen this path before, and managed to come out whole. One of the nicest tools I've got in my arsenal is the fact that "This Is Not Worth Killing Myself Over", and if it's not worth suicide, then I guess I'm eventually going to be okay.

(I don't know if I'm ever going to hit the point where something *is* worth killing myself over. But at least as long as Veronica and Mek are alive, I promise you lot that I simply won't be capable of moving my little finger¹. Survival instinct is all well and good, but it pales in comparison to the strength in which I simply will not hurt people.)

So that's that. Similar to the fact that I actually am a far more talented person than I give myself credit for, I really am a bit more stable than I feel sometime. Now, let's just work on that *epic* level insecurity problem (and yes, the whole lack of motivation thing), and I'll see if I can't turn out to be a pretty damn awesome person after all.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: 'Cause all you have to do is move your little finger, squeeze your little finger and you can change the world. What? You expect my suicidal lyrics to come from an actually emo song? Fuck that noise, I've got *musicals!* to play with!

(In case you can't tell, this is a happy entry. Hugs and all are nice, but not necessary in the slightest.)

Trigger warning, suicide allusions

Comments

Further non-emo song allusions...

[blaisepascal]

You can take or leave it as you please?

[inlkflyn.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel. 2 years ago I tried to kill myself and ended up in rehab for a while. I just felt irreparably broken. But two years later with some amazing friends (including Sparr) and now therapy, I don't think I've ever been so happy. I still have bad days, like today I feel really down for no particular reason. But I know it's a temporary feeling and I'm a good person. So there's hope for you too. *hugs*

[blaisepascal]

I have never had serious suicide ideation. The closest I've come is pure curiosity: what's it like to die? what, if anything, is after death? etc. But the curiosity was balanced by the knowledge that no-one has convincingly been able to come back and communicate with the living after death. If I were to die to find out, I would be unable to let others know the results of my investigation: the "or" in "publish or perish" is exclusive; you can't do both. I figure my curiosity will be sated in the fullness of time; no point in rushing things.

[inlkflyn.livejournal.com]

I watch people die on a regular basis and while I can't know what they're experiencing, it's not a pretty thing at all.

[petrona.livejournal.com]

I've lost three friends to suicide so I'm wary when someone says they can "deal". You strike me as unique in your perspective, so maybe you have something they didn't. I hope so.

Bend, but don't break. There is still scarring, but it heals quicker.

[woozle.livejournal.com]

*places great faith in the ability of Sor's rational mind to keep the ship together when everything else is falling apart.*

*gives Sor's rational mind a big hug for staying at the helm when needed*

Heck, it's what has always worked for me. Not happy, just workable. Keep moving until you get out of the desert, whatever desert you might be in.

[harena.livejournal.com]

I don't feel that way all the time. When I'm in the middle of a panic attack about something stupid, it's really hard to remember that I am functional, and I can deal with this shit.

This is pretty much me too. And of course, i have my doubts even when i'm not in that shit.. butyeah, I am Strong. I know this.

Survival instinct is all well and good, but it pales in comparison to the strength in which I simply will not hurt people.

Aaand yeah same here too. (as long as i can believe in the moment that those people give a rat's ass)(who am i kidding, i'm too chicken anyway, so pay no attention to this attention whore)(ahahahaha)

And i'm glad it's a happy post for you! Yay!

*hguglesmuchly 'cause that's what she does regardless*

. o O (this comment was itching for Uncertain 10yo Me (as drawn by the mostest wonderfulest Sor in the Whole Wide World) Icon but i made myself go with Pondering Icon instead >.>)

[joshuazelinsky.livejournal.com]

I've a history of clinical depression but I've never been anywhere near suicide. There's just too much interesting stuff in the world. Even when I'm depressed I know the probability that there's no afterlife and thus killing myself would mean I'd miss out on all the interesting stuff going on in this universe (most recent example is the evidence that there might be life on Titan).

Re: Further non-emo song allusions...

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew what song that was from.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*grins* Yay! I'm glad you're doing better, and I'm glad that I am doing better. *hugsback!*

~Sor

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I'm not depressed, and I don't intend on killing myself anytime soon, nor do I nurture thoughts of such.

It's...hard to explain. It was sort of an epiphany that when Bad Shit happens to me, or I have a crap day or whatever, I've really got two choices --I can kill myself, or I can try and deal and watch it get better. And the answer is that this too will pass, and it will always get better. Just knowing that fact, knowing that since this isn't worth killing myself over (for whatever value of "this" we're discussing), I'm gonna make it somehow. It's gonna hurt like hell, but I'm strong enough to work past it.

Scarring is okay. Got a lot more on my psyche than my body, but I'm okay with that really.

~Sor

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

My rational mind is one hell of a woman.

(I can't tell you how long I stared at that word, but I'm pretty sure it's right. That's...interesting. I wouldn't expect to have parts of my brain significantly gendered, and I definitely wouldn't expect them to have genders that I don't. But no, she is pure bulldog-bitch-femme, and will not take my shit.)

~Sor

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

butyeah, I am Strong. I know this.

HA! Now I have proof for the next time the negvox come calling! I will taunt them with this post and be all "Harena is stro-ong, Harena is stro-ong", and they will burst into flames and shrivel up and die!

(Especially because you *are* strong! You're the strongest ferret I know!)

*waves her hand wildly* I give a rat's ass, Har! If you ever hurt yourself I will be REALLY REALLY EXTREMELY IRRITATED with you. I will have to be stern and make this face at you: >:|

(and probably cry, because I like you too much for you to be hurt. See that, Har, you can't hurt yourself or I'll CRY! No, I am *not* above that sort of emotional manipulation when it comes to keeping my friends stable and in one piece, nyah-nyah.)

*HUGGLESMUCHLY BACK!*

~Sor

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I don't think I knew that about you.

I utterly agree though. The world is SO FUCKING COOL! Why would I want to leave it before I've had time to properly examine everything? This is why I'm immortal, after all.

(bee-tee-dubs, wanna go to the science museum with me sometime once I'm back in Boston for the fall? I have a membership, and need excuses to go. My only insistence is that we go watch lightning at some point in there.)

~Sor

[malakhgabriel.livejournal.com]

Since when are hugs not necessary?!

*hugs*

[joshuazelinsky.livejournal.com]

Sounds good.

Re: Further non-emo song allusions...

[blaisepascal]

Suicide Is Painless, the theme to the movie and TV series M*A*S*H. The chorus is:

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes,
and I can take or leave it if I please.

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

When I first tried therapy, the single scariest thought about the notion was "does this mean I can no longer tell myself that I can handle it with just my internal resources?" (The therapists turned out to suck, so I get to tell myself that I handled depression _and_ those idiots at the same time, so there, so the thought actually still kinda stands.)

Also, there was a time when I was seriously thinking about it. My mode of cope was to choose a specific not-too-handy way, and then make damn sure to not make it available to myself while in a mood. (Now it's even less handy, which did make my year in MD extra hard...)

Anyhow, you're not alone in the crazy and the coping, and you most assuredly deserve lots of credit for coping and for being pretty damn awesome already.

[nurrynur.livejournal.com]

I read this.

*offers hugs*

Hopeful Lyrics 'cause that's (what i really need)the way i swing

[harena.livejournal.com]

Well, i have dreams enough for one
and i have love enough for three
i have my hopes to comfort me
i have my New Horizons out to sea

But i will never lose your precious gift
it will always be that way
'cause i know i'm going to find
my own peace of mind
Someday.

[harena.livejournal.com]

*grins sheepishly with a wee tear in her eye*

And yar, seeing those words, typing those words were hard. i find it very hard to believe a lot of the time. Especially when the hormones are being asses. but i am slowly getting better at realizing that they are there, that they aren't me, that they are exaggerated, and even if i can't change the doubt & fear they evoke at least i see them for what they truly are.

And no... i never know how to express this to people... i will never ever hurt myself no matter how suicidal i feel. Because i'm too afraid of pain (just picturing myself slicing my arms/wrists makes me shudder in ackyness *rubs the inside of her arm soothingly after typing that*) too afraid of what comes after, too afraid. i cleverly hurt myself far more on the inside vis a vis ye olde negvox instead ;P. So have no fear there, dear Sor *hgugles*

Thank you for so very demonstratively giving a rat's ass, it means more to me than i can ever express. :') <---no really, that's exactly what's happening as i type this

. o O (i need to dig out that email that Rtizy sent me a while back in response to an emo private post of mine that he made me send him a copy of... i am thinking it had similar things in it >.>)

*HGUGLESMUCHLYBACKINALLCAPS*

[harena.livejournal.com]

*seconds, thirds, and fourths that last sentence!!*

[mneme]

*hugs, just because*

"The best thing about being clumsy is having quick reflexes" -- you've noticed that too? I get "nice save" a lot -- but usualy after I knocked something off something else -- and then proceeded to catch it before I'd really noticed.

And you're -totally- a more talented person than you give yourself credit for!