Motivation is for wussies

[sorcyress]

Well, now that I'm already fifteen minutesan hour late for class, I might as well post, and try to sort through why.

Because seriously. Class is down the stairs right there, and around the corner. It has been for the entirety of the last forty-five minutes I've been sitting here. I just can't work up the motivation to go right now, and that is increasingly bothersome.

It's bothersome because I like Dr. Benson, and I like multivariate calc, and I like crushing quietly on Andrea and on the hot suitpunk¹ boy who sits at my table. And it's bothersome because I have only been doing "okay" at keeping up with the material, and I don't know if we had a quiz today I should've taken. And it's bothersome because I need to actually show up so I can pass this class so I can graduate college so I can live happily ever after in the shithole job of being a high school teacher.

And it's really really bothersome because I had a conversation recently with someone who was somewhat convinced that I had no idea what I am doing with my life, and this just feels like I'm proving them right.

I get this way pretty often. Telling me I'm an irresponsible slut² is a really good way to give me a burst of motivation -desire to prove your ass wrong- but it comes at the expense of me no longer being able to trust you with myself. And it's feasible for the frustration to exist independent of the motivation, meaning I get into funks like right now, where I just can't deal with things like class.

(And of course, this is not just about the class, or even about the motivation. I am also exhausted, mentally and physically and emotionally and socially, and tired of my head being fuzzy, and so ready to just sleep for a month and wake up after I've finished my junior year. I don't want to plan my immediate future (this summer), and I certainly don't want to work on my plan for a long-term future. I just want to withdraw from the world, possibly into a pair of arms that don't require any work³, and turn my mind totally off.)

And I appear to be out of useful things to say. I think it's time to go home and nap for twenty minutes and force myself to listen to some power ballads and get some _goddamn things done_. Because complex social interactions just don't count as accomplishments, in that fuzzy part of my brain that needs me to Do Things to be happy. Especially not complex social interactions that involve talking about triggers and bad shit in my brain. I've been putting up with those for three days in a row now, and I'm done.

I really do need to not forget how emotionally wearing it is to talk about why I'm fucked up.

ATANYRATE...tl;dr = wah wah, Sorcy is demotivated and wahhhhh⁴.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I have no idea if suitpunk is a real term. But nice jacket and a vest over a t-shirt, and tousled hair, and five or six pieces of metal in his face? Oh, it is *unfair* how hot he is.

2: Yes, this happened. Not in the recent conversation, in an older one, and not quite in so many words, but yeah. Yeah. Do you have any idea how much of a smack in the face it feels like when one of your closest friends points out that your "stupid insecurities" are well-founded?

3: Hint, this removes almost all of you, except maybe Veronica. And mom. Mom always wins this one.

4: Is it possible for me to be emo without also being self-deprecating about the fact that, ohmygod, I am not perfectly happy all of the time, what's up with that? No, no it is not. I am a being of hedonism and joy, and therefore get unreasonably upset at myself when I am not smiles and sunshine and perfectly happy with everything all of the time.

Comments

[drama-angel3189.livejournal.com]

My arms are open. If you want them.

[drama-angel3189.livejournal.com]

Also this also sums up how I have been feeling. If nothing else. Misery loves company.

[tricia868]

You too, Kat?

I had a total breakdown this morning when I talked to my mom for relatively similar reasons. ...I was upset enough that I wouldn't even let her hug me.

I hope that you can find a way to feel better soon. Not because you're required to be happy all the time, but because being happy feels so much better than this.

I'm just down the hall during afternoon class today (because mom is driving me to school since neither of us thinks I'll get there on my own) if you'd like a hug before or after. I know I'm nowhere near on that list you mentioned, and that's 100% fine, but if you decide to claim a hug from me anyway, I'm around.

[blaisepascal]

I know from experience that "You are not alone" is not particularly helpful when you are sitting in your room or in the hall listing to yourself all the reasons why you should go to class and screaming in your head "why can't I go?". Unfortunately, my experience didn't tell me what was helpful.

For me, it seemed to be time. After 2 weeks of not leaving my dorm room except for meals and the gaming club's games (I'll leave to your imagination what that meant in terms of hygiene), I managed to come out of it and do well enough in my classes to succeed.

Now, 20 years later, my suggestion would be to see if your school has a mental health clinic, and talk it over with someone there. They might be able to provide better solutions than anyone here can -- they deal with this thing routinely, after all.

[persis.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I am in a similar funk these days too... hard to motivate. Part of it is allergies, part of it for me is stress. That said, I would take blaisepascal's advice. (I had to cancel my last appt. with therapist because of work interview, and won't see her til after NEFFA). And my arms are always here for you. (Not sure if I qualify in the Mom category of not. ;-))

a couple of brief observations (made without first obtaining your full medical history)

[woozle.livejournal.com]

Somehow, I can't picture you not doing something interesting and worthwhile with your life. Probably several somethings, in series or parallel or some combination thereof.

Just because other people can't see where you're headed doesn't mean you aren't going anywhere.

And sometimes you just need some down time for no apparent reason.

[harena.livejournal.com]

*sneaks in here too and leaves a pile of hugglebugglewuggles*

[ljdragon.livejournal.com]

I've been at uni for 6 years (holycrap) and I still don't know what I'm going to do when I get out. Except that I want to study some art for fun, and visit Sweden. I occasionally cop a bit of flack for this, generally from people I don't find I respect anyway. Personally I am now of the suspicion that anyone who has their entire future planned out ahead of them is either superhumanly decisive or a very boring person willing to settle for some average job rather than wiggle around till they find a space in the world that really fits them. (Yeah, so there, snobby lady from that thing!)

[meanfreepath.livejournal.com]

...because I need to actually show up so I can pass this class so I can graduate college so I can live happily ever after in the shithole job of being a high school teacher.

I don't know if this is quite what you're looking for, but as someone who plans to spend the rest of his life involved in physics education at some level, I would like to emphasize how important good high school math teachers are. There's a ton of research out there on the importance of kids who want to have a shot at going into the physical sciences or engineering (and, I would also imagine, something like quantitative finance) acquiring a solid understanding of high-school level math. I could go on for a while about how other research suggests that some topics that have long been documented as problematic in learning physics may really stem from difficulties in disguise in understanding mathematical topics like slopes, areas, and proportions. I've seen kids even at Harvard struggle with some of these things.

So, at the risk of sounding cheesy, as demanding of a profession as mathematics teaching is and as draining as it can be, you will have the potential to do a lot of people a tremendous amount of good.

[gravitrue.livejournal.com]

hmm. You could have someone write a program to create LJ sock puppets and then have them call you names. Then, you wouldn't be losing trust in an actual person. Yeah, probably wouldn't work if you knew it was an automated process. Triggering would also be tricky; wonder if anyone has trained bayesian classifiers to recognize motivation-impacting angst yet.

If you in fact have no idea what you are doing with your life, college is a fine place to be.

[nurrynur.livejournal.com]

If you need a break, take one. Don't burn yourself out.

one thing that often helps me when I am feeling entirely unmotivated is to do just one, small, productive thing from my to-do list. it usually gives me a boost of "yay I did something" energy, to get more stuff done.

I am often repeating things my therapist has said to me, both to myself and to friends. even a few sessions might be extremely helpful to you, and they should be free or extremely low cost through the school. :)

*hugs*