On being a woman, weak, and weepy.

[sorcyress]

I hate crying.

I hate it more than many many things, and what I hate most of all is crying out of frustration, or over something stupid, or for no damn reason at all. I hate it because it makes me feel small, and weak. I hate it because it means I'm living a stereotype I want to avoid, that of the feeble, dainty female, who needs to be protected, and coddled, and helped along. She's not strong enough to do it herself --better let someone else take over.

Yesterday, I went shopping with mom. Part of this was a lovely trip to the bra shop, so I can actually have more than two bras that fit me well and I enjoy wearing. Sitting in the dressing room, trying on a cute little 34A -just my size!

And the cups are too damn big for my tits! I don't even know how it happened, just all of a sudden I'm sitting alone in the fitting room, trying not to sob loud enough so that someone actually hears. It's really *really* stupid --I love having small tits, it saves me a world and a half of trouble-- but it's just the defeat of wearing the smallest bra in the store, and having it gape. I know I ain't ever gonna be big and curvy and beautiful, but c'mon gods. That's just mean.

It wasn't more than a couple seconds, barely enough tears to wet my cheeks. I pull myself together, get over it, take a few deep breaths until the mirror shows a pale enough countenance to play normal. I continue shopping, the event passed, but somewhere, deep in the back of my mind, I have taken a slap to the face.

Because I was crying. Over a fucking piece of *clothing*. Because I am a woman, because I am weepy, and because I am weak. That metaphorical slap trails off to join all the hundreds of thousands of minor slaps and taunts and jeers that have collected over the years in the back of my mind, a collection of laughter over how little strength I actually possess.

It's every time I drop something, or run into something, or trip over something. It's every "slow down or you'll hurt yourself", every "take a deep breath and relax". It's frustration at being lonely, being stupid, being lost and unlovable and painfully painfully insecure, and it's frustration at being so easily frustrated, and so unable to change.

It's techno fandom thinkin' I can't move baseplates for the pipe and drape. It's Target sending me away to "go get something you *can* lift -like pillows!" It's every single customer, male or female, who doesn't think I can when I offer to carry something big and heavy out to their car for them, and tells me as much. Why the fuck would I offer if I couldn't carry it, asshole?!

It's being weak, and crying at that weakness, because I'm just so tired of it. And every time I cry over something stupid, I hear society's evil little voice in the back of my mind. "Aww, look at the stupid little girl, someone better go help her."

(I cannot *stand* being helped. I'm too stubborn and prideful to ask, but more than that, it's the fact that *I'm* the one who's supposed to be doing the helping! But this is another essay)

Society laughs at me, and files me away as just another stupid weak female. Can't help you move, she's not strong enough to lift the boxes. Oh look, it's a sad part of a movie, guess we better pass the tissues! Society sees me, and judges me, and judges my entire damn gender along with me, and it sucks. I'm tired of living up to my gender stereotype.

Sorry if this is incoherent. I kinda feel like I'm about to cry.

~Sor
MOOP!

Comments

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

Bullshit.

Having feelings, even strong ones, is NORMAL. However, expressing them is seen as proof of weakness in this royally fucked-up and emotionally stunted society.

If it weren't, people wouldn't use female emotiveness as the main source of "proof" that men are stronger than women because "boys don't cry".

Don't even get me started on this rant. If I could permanently turn off my emotions, I'd do it in a second. They're nothing but pain.

(I'm case I'm not clear enough, I do NOT think that this state of affairs is how thing SHOULD be. But wishing for "should be"s is pointless when what you want is at odds with reality.)

[kirby1024.livejournal.com]

When I was a kid in school, I was the boy who cried. I was bullied fairly continuously from Year 4 to Year 10, because I was the weird kid, the kid who couldn't control the crying, who none of the girls wanted to touch "Eww! Kirby germs!", and who none of the boys wanted to be friends with.

My brothers were constantly asking me why I cried every day going home from school. That's not what they did. It's not what boys did.

It took moving to a completely different state to get away from it enough that I could stop being afraid of bullies. By the time I got to Uni, I used to think that I had my emotions under control.

Then Trauma struck. I had a year of hell. Now I have Trauma emotions to deal with as well.

I have to remind myself every second of every day that me feeling shitty, or me feeling emotional, does not make me any less of a man. That the fact I can't watch most comedy anymore because I get too embarrassed whenever the characters do something strange or weird to be able to watch doesn't make me less than who I was when I was a teenager. That emotional limits on my behaviour might well be a good thing, instead of something that means that my boyfriend has to watch a lot of interesting movies without me, and that I can't watch cop shows without a finger on the remote.

Maybe one day I'll believe it. But I sure as hell don't now.

[siogai.livejournal.com]

I have previously lived with my emotions turned off - it is possible, it is protective - but it's also terribly isolating.

For me it was a coping mechanism around my parents' divorce - I cut myself off from sharing emotions, chose to express almost nothing, and gradually got to a point where even internally with myself my emotions didn't matter. At that time I rarely recognized feeling emotions, and could override most of them if I chose to.

During that time I also went from being outgoing, social, and adventurous to being very self-contained and rather isolated. When you don't react normally, don't express regular emotions (positive and negative)... people find it hard to relate to you. I was the strange one, though I successfully kept myself safe.

At present I have been gradually reconnecting to my emotions and dealing with the messes that result. Someday I hope to have bits of both in play when I want them - some mix of being able to tune the emotions, feel & accept them, or set them aside as needed. May take me a while, but would be well worth it.

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

When you don't react normally,

This is me now.

Only I'm the opposite of unemotional.

I'm one of those goddamned heart-on-my-sleeve types.

It's why I WANT to be cold and emotionless and feel nothing. Those people don't hurt. I want to feel that way. It seems so much more free than being trapped in irrationality.

I'm aware it's black-and-white thinking. However, all the troubles I've ever had in my life are related to my emotions. Get rid of them, and the pain stops... right?

[jazzfish]

all the troubles I've ever had in my life are related to my emotions. Get rid of them, and the pain stops... right?

Not so's you'd notice, no.

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

There's a REASON I don't fear death, despite my atheism.

[marcmagus]

Meh. I've lived at both of the extremes. I still find myself yearning for the days when I was all intensity of emotion to return; even with the pain I liked it better than the dull gray that settled over everything at the other end and won't seem to go away as I try to come back to a better balance.

Actually, the pain didn't exactly stop. A default state of 'blah' isn't quite the same as a default state of 'content'.

I am, of course, not living your life; your pain could well be worse than mine ever was, or your valuation may differ, but I hope you'll take my unsolicited advice in the spirit it's intended.

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

If you're "grey" you don't scare people.

[dodger77.livejournal.com]

When you don't react normally, don't express regular emotions (positive and negative)... people find it hard to relate to you. I was the strange one, though I successfully kept myself safe.

God, this is *so* the story of my life. Except that I've always been this way and I can't seem to figure out how to turn my emotions on to start relating to people.