Yes, this is directed at you. Well done, your paranoia has served you well.

[sorcyress]

Sometimes I want to be someone I'm deeply and irrevocably not.

Popular. Non-geeky. Made-up and shaven. Normal. Monoamorous, vanilla and *straight*.

Why? Damned if I know. Maybe it's easier. Maybe it's just human curiosity. Or maybe, deep inside me, I carry a little bit of this residual shame that's leaked into me from years and years and *years* of American pop-culture conditioning.

My entire life has raised me to believe that:
Being unpopular is something to be ashamed of.
Being geeky is something to be ashamed of.
Not wearing make up is something to be ashamed of.
Not shaving my legs is definitely something to be ashamed of.
Being weird is something to be ashamed of.
Loving multiple people is something to be ashamed of.
Liking to be bitten or tied up is something to be ashamed of.

...Being bisexual is something that, maybe just for a month, it's okay to be proud of.

Maybe in July, when it's back to being straightfolk appreciation year, I can return to being ashamed of the fact that I like to kiss girls. Right now though? The president --the very government of this fucking country, WHATEVER that means-- has given me permission to be proud of who I am.

Did I need that permission? No, of course not. The first word of this post is "sometimes", after all, not always.

But the next time that little bit of insecurity in the back of my mind, that makes me worry about what people will think, what people will say, what people will do if I dare allude to my bisexual nature? That secret shame, that makes me pick my battles, let me shut up in high school (and yes, even college) when I heard my identity used as a slur? That tiny bastard of doubt, that keeps me from being able to fully accept who I am.

I can tell it to shut the fuck up. The world is changing. Ten years from now, I will still have that residual shame from all my deviances.

And sometimes, I will wish that I was

Popular
Non-geeky
Made up and shaven
Normal
Vanilla
Monoamorous

...and just as bisexual as I've always been.

~Sor
MOOP!

Comments

[swingerzetta.livejournal.com]

I must say, this is brilliant, and touching, and should be, I don't know, seen by people! perhaps in anonymous form would be easiest, but still.

also, have I mentioned how awesome your president seems? I have heard a few conspiracy theories from the... well, non-supporters, and they so far seem batshit-insane, but I keep an open mind and am ready to see your president as Only Human... but I am still waiting.

this thing here he's done pretty much wins my vote all over again. He can screw up all he likes from now on, I still say good for him. (And well done, America, for having the guts to vote for him!)

[harena.livejournal.com]

Isn't it? Sor is so awesome ^_^

And i had no idea that Obama had done this thing but i am quite delighted to see it! It is a rather bold move to make & not one that won't cause a stir .. right up there with a president declaring a Black Pride day back in the 30's or so.

i continue to be proud that i voted for the man and have high hopes for our country as long as he is in the oval office.

[scandiamaxie.livejournal.com]

Girls kissing girls or girls even holding hands are deemed "okay" by societal standards, but guys doing the same things to other guys - thats where society go apeshit...

When I said I wanted to be married, i had strange looks from people. I asked them "Do you think Im incapable of loving another guy?!" Their "dodge" answer is always this: "Oh its not you... We know you can love another guy, but will that other guy love you back?" That irks me deeply because I have been with the same guy for 9 years and they think he cant love me!

I do carry that "normal" wish once in awhile, but not as much now compared to my younger days. I know in my heart that I am perfectly normal the way I am.

[harena.livejournal.com]

Yeah, i know how that "normal" wish thing goes.. i craved it particularly keenly throughout my 12 year marriage to Charles because he was the very epitome of Not Normal but not necessarily in a good way.

i still only have outed myself to Safe people (and in real life that only includes my String Thing group; our fearless leader is in fact bisexual & has this as part of the desc of our meetup: "BGLT friendly (straight guys welcome too!)" ^_^).. my own family has no clue; even the kids' grandparents whom Charles outed W to without permission, jerk.

It's definitely a security thing.. a Wanting To Fit In Thing. Is probly why i cling to you lot so much because for the first time in my life, i have found people who not only not think less of me for who i am & what i represent, but also embrace some of those attributes as well! (i believe i have ranted to you before about the shiny smooth legs on the "Earthy/Hippy" women i have seen at Whole Foods & other such places :P)

Loverly post, Sor! *hgugles*

[badmagic.livejournal.com]

I realize this is entirely ancillary to your main point, but it'll be easier to be proud of everything else as you get older. Popular means something entirely different after college, geeky means there are more things you enjoy, shaving is a pain and some folk like a hairy woman, and kinky people have more and better sex (http://www.straight.com/article-119275/kinky-sex-makes-for-happy-people).

"Look over there. See them? Ordinary fucking people. I hate them."
"Mee too."
- Repo Man

[media-junkie.livejournal.com]

The definitions of popular and normal are extraordinarily narrow in this country. In fact, if you did the hidden camera thing on folks I'll bet there might be only 2 or 3 popular/normal people in the country.

I'm pretty normal, maybe not by nationwide standards but by the crowd werewulf knows anyway. And you know what? Just for you I'll actually say this. I have a thing for flannel shirts. They get me rip roar'n hot. Dumb but true and I'm pretty embarrassed about it. Help any?

[joshuazelinsky.livejournal.com]

I find the list of things listed interesting. I'm surprised that you've had much experience with geeky being treated as a bad thing.

I also don't quite know what "popular" means other than fitting into certain stereotypes especially not being geeky already on the list. (I think that being popular in that sense isn't inconsistent with non-standard sexuality but I suspect that has a lot to do with where on went to both high school and college).

We should be happy that McCain isn't president. If he were, we would not only have this sort of LGBT month we'd probably have a week reserve for bashing the geeks (see for example http://boingboing.net/2008/08/19/mccain-staffer-slams.html )

[(Anonymous)]

OK, so take a weekend off, and just for a couple of days, play at being...
Popular
Non-geeky
Made up and shaven
Normal
Vanilla
Monoamorous

Who says you can't try it? Then go back to being whomever you want, whatever feels right.

[(Anonymous)]

I was going to say, oops, forgot to sign in, then I liked it better that I didn't.