All in a fucking days work...

[sorcyress]

Someone left one of Alys's CD's out of it's case in the basement and now it's all scratched up. Both Alys and Mom are accusing me of it, which is probably correct, and Alys's crying.

I feel like shit for making her cry. I'm her big sister for Christs sakes! I'm supposed to protect her from all that is harsh and evil in life, not make her cry.

Now I feel really guilty and shit, and I'm crying too. Goddammit, why do I always have to screw with Alys so much. Shan too, but not as much as I screw up Alys's life. She's right, I do steal her friends and crap.

God I feel shitty right now.

And don't give me any sympathy. I don't want sympathy. Or pity. I don't want any of that shit. I want control of my ficked up life.

I have no fucking control over my life anymore and it's pissing me off.

When I grow up, I am going to live by myself in a cabin in the woods in Maine and write books. I will not talk to anyone, and maybe I'll actually be happy.

Hvae I mentioned how much I hate life recently?

And here I am, posting this in my LJ where people know me and are going to take my side, and where Alys won't even see this. I feel like a coward and a fucking cheat.

God life sucks.

~Sorceress/Kat

MOOP!

Original Tags: tagged, siblings, flocked-private, selfhate, alys-the-eternal, rants, flocked
or
life is pain highness, selfhate, little herald saving the world, alys-the-eternal

This post was originally locked so my mother couldn't see it. 16 years later, I accept it being public.

Comments

[jannyblue.livejournal.com]

You need an outlet to vent these feelings, because you know you can't express them to your sister/parents without making them upset.

You've said you don't like to make them upset.

How is expressing those feelings here cowardly? It sounds perfectly reasonable and rational to me...

And it's not like you left the CD out on purpose. Inconsiderate? Probably. Malicious? No.

And now you know for next time to be more careful, right?

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Janny...thank you. A lot. I'm not sure how much I relized it, but that was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear.

And my mom's on LJ, it's just that shes not going to see this entry...

~Sorceress