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May. 11th, 2024 09:33 amThis weekend has a lot happening --bells, porchfest contra, highland ball, staying over with friends, brunch tomorrow. Also I have to do like, a _lot_ of grading.
It feels like a bad omen that I can't find my favourite pronoun pin. I'm hoping it will turn up -maybe it's in one of my purses?- but given all the other anxiety, it kinda sucks.
Last night, I watched a nonbinary person wearing a dress and unshaven armpits dance on stage at the high school dance concert. Their pronouns were respected by the teacher spotlighting them, they were a central part of several pieces. Maybe they feel hopelessly alone and shunned and just keep dancing because they have to, but that didn't seem the vibe from the other students, they seemed to be a welcome part of it all.
It kinda broke my heart, in the good way. I'm so happy that they can have what I couldn't when I was in high school, that they can be visibly joyfully queer and have a community that loves and supports them.
I'm so frustrated that they can have what I can't, when I am an adult.
Some parts of my dance community love me, but some really seriously do not, and they make that very loudly clear to me at every opportunity they get. I don't know how to dress for the ball tonight and I hate it --I think it's just another time where I have to dress like a boy, because it's not safe for me to dress like a girl. Because I'm not going to be respected either way, but at least like this I can be a visual reminder that I'm queer and I'm not going to fit in with your binary.
Thems can be femmes, but only when it's safe.
And yeah, I'm planning to do the thing tonight where I keep a pocketfull of pins saying "they" and add another one to my outfit every time I get misgendered. It's petty and angry but at least it will stop me from doing anything pettier or angrier. Through it all, I gotta keep being the "good queer" no matter how much it sucks to force a smile when someone apologizes performatively for misgendering me and then doesn't change their behavior in the slightest.
I really fucking wish I could feel less anxious going into this weekend. I really fucking wish being part of this community wasn't hard for me.
~Sor
MOOP!
It feels like a bad omen that I can't find my favourite pronoun pin. I'm hoping it will turn up -maybe it's in one of my purses?- but given all the other anxiety, it kinda sucks.
Last night, I watched a nonbinary person wearing a dress and unshaven armpits dance on stage at the high school dance concert. Their pronouns were respected by the teacher spotlighting them, they were a central part of several pieces. Maybe they feel hopelessly alone and shunned and just keep dancing because they have to, but that didn't seem the vibe from the other students, they seemed to be a welcome part of it all.
It kinda broke my heart, in the good way. I'm so happy that they can have what I couldn't when I was in high school, that they can be visibly joyfully queer and have a community that loves and supports them.
I'm so frustrated that they can have what I can't, when I am an adult.
Some parts of my dance community love me, but some really seriously do not, and they make that very loudly clear to me at every opportunity they get. I don't know how to dress for the ball tonight and I hate it --I think it's just another time where I have to dress like a boy, because it's not safe for me to dress like a girl. Because I'm not going to be respected either way, but at least like this I can be a visual reminder that I'm queer and I'm not going to fit in with your binary.
Thems can be femmes, but only when it's safe.
And yeah, I'm planning to do the thing tonight where I keep a pocketfull of pins saying "they" and add another one to my outfit every time I get misgendered. It's petty and angry but at least it will stop me from doing anything pettier or angrier. Through it all, I gotta keep being the "good queer" no matter how much it sucks to force a smile when someone apologizes performatively for misgendering me and then doesn't change their behavior in the slightest.
I really fucking wish I could feel less anxious going into this weekend. I really fucking wish being part of this community wasn't hard for me.
~Sor
MOOP!
