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Feb. 22nd, 2019 11:06 amOne of the things I am trying to do with my sane-brain is speak up about things I want-need when I am able to, so that I can maybe get into the habit of thinking that's an okay thing, and be less unable to do it when I am in crazy-brain. Because as things are, I am pretty much *always* unable to ask for thing I want or need, and I can see how that would be a frustrating trait.
(This largely stems from the Fundamental Truth that "I Do Not Deserve Nice Things" which is probably bullshit but also *deeply* entrenched. You can tell I'm in _really_ sane-brain right now because I can acknowledge it's a faulty Truth. Usually I am...much less capable of that. Anywho, the most important comment on the topic came from Alys --"just because something is true doesn't mean you can't still change your truths" ocelot1-- and I don't know that I really wanna hear any other opinions on it.)
So yeah. Having sane-brain means asking for things I want-need, which confusingly enough actually seems to make Austin pleased and no I don't get it either, why would someone be happy to give me service YES THIS IS SARCASM BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I ALWAYS FUNCTION GREAT COOL. Theoretically, this could turn into long-term reinforcement for sane-brain, which would be...weird.
Look, the universe gave me mental illness as a way of keeping me from taking it over entirely. If I didn't have Malthornodox2 yelling at me, I would be _unstoppable_.
Anyways, for my own reference, a non-comprehensive list of things that have helped me be into sane-brain right now:
*Significant numbers of positive interactions with friends.
*Significantly more sleep than normal3.
*Actually doing some of my grading last night, just quietly plugging away in a space where I could. Malthornodox would like to point out that I have not completed all the grading and am therefore an Inherent Failure, but it's not actually working as I feel pretty steady about having done anything grading-wise.
*Officially shutting down the idea of recording negative shit about my Mad Bells Skillz in my ringing diary. Like, I made a pact (it's in writing, that means it's real) and everything that I can record neutral observations, and I can record positives and I can even record things to work on but I'm not allowed to call myself a worthless piece of shit in there anymore.
*Room is clean!
*76 day streak of words.
*Okay and yes, note to self, the obvious thing but I was actually feeling pretty good and sane-brained before that happened, so nyahhh.
*Oo, and ninja-edit to add: The fact that I'm actually keeping up with my Dreamwidth reading page! Like, Facebook does *not* spark joy (even when I am reading about people I like) and Twitter sorta works, but it is an Actively Good Thing for me to come onto dreamwidth and read all my friends' posts. Like, I noticed myself the other day becoming noticeably soothed and pleased by catching up, in a way that I *never* feel on more unlimited forms of social media. Y'all are my special babes and I love you. <3
So that's all pretty good, and I'm gonna keep working on it. Right now I am doing some laundry and eating ice cream for breakfast. Later I will go get to see Megan-friend, who I haven't seen in aaaaaages, and play board games with her and Noah.
Happy everything. If Malthornodox gets too loud in your head, yell at him for me, okay?
~Sor
MOOP!
1: A hypertwin-ism, iirc! Or-Something-Like-That = OSLT = Ocelot.
2: Continuing my habit of adopting weird vocabulary from random Twitter posts, Malthornodox the Unredeemable is the voice in my head that tries to keep me down.
3: Austin has been very cute the last couple days, being all concerned that he is waking me up when he gets up, and not seeming to understand that if he wakes me up at like 7:30, that means I've essentially slept in for over two hours. My bedtime hasn't changed any, I'm just getting heaps more sleep and it's *awesome*.
(This largely stems from the Fundamental Truth that "I Do Not Deserve Nice Things" which is probably bullshit but also *deeply* entrenched. You can tell I'm in _really_ sane-brain right now because I can acknowledge it's a faulty Truth. Usually I am...much less capable of that. Anywho, the most important comment on the topic came from Alys --"just because something is true doesn't mean you can't still change your truths" ocelot1-- and I don't know that I really wanna hear any other opinions on it.)
So yeah. Having sane-brain means asking for things I want-need, which confusingly enough actually seems to make Austin pleased and no I don't get it either, why would someone be happy to give me service YES THIS IS SARCASM BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I ALWAYS FUNCTION GREAT COOL. Theoretically, this could turn into long-term reinforcement for sane-brain, which would be...weird.
Look, the universe gave me mental illness as a way of keeping me from taking it over entirely. If I didn't have Malthornodox2 yelling at me, I would be _unstoppable_.
Anyways, for my own reference, a non-comprehensive list of things that have helped me be into sane-brain right now:
*Significant numbers of positive interactions with friends.
*Significantly more sleep than normal3.
*Actually doing some of my grading last night, just quietly plugging away in a space where I could. Malthornodox would like to point out that I have not completed all the grading and am therefore an Inherent Failure, but it's not actually working as I feel pretty steady about having done anything grading-wise.
*Officially shutting down the idea of recording negative shit about my Mad Bells Skillz in my ringing diary. Like, I made a pact (it's in writing, that means it's real) and everything that I can record neutral observations, and I can record positives and I can even record things to work on but I'm not allowed to call myself a worthless piece of shit in there anymore.
*Room is clean!
*76 day streak of words.
*Okay and yes, note to self, the obvious thing but I was actually feeling pretty good and sane-brained before that happened, so nyahhh.
*Oo, and ninja-edit to add: The fact that I'm actually keeping up with my Dreamwidth reading page! Like, Facebook does *not* spark joy (even when I am reading about people I like) and Twitter sorta works, but it is an Actively Good Thing for me to come onto dreamwidth and read all my friends' posts. Like, I noticed myself the other day becoming noticeably soothed and pleased by catching up, in a way that I *never* feel on more unlimited forms of social media. Y'all are my special babes and I love you. <3
So that's all pretty good, and I'm gonna keep working on it. Right now I am doing some laundry and eating ice cream for breakfast. Later I will go get to see Megan-friend, who I haven't seen in aaaaaages, and play board games with her and Noah.
Happy everything. If Malthornodox gets too loud in your head, yell at him for me, okay?
~Sor
MOOP!
1: A hypertwin-ism, iirc! Or-Something-Like-That = OSLT = Ocelot.
2: Continuing my habit of adopting weird vocabulary from random Twitter posts, Malthornodox the Unredeemable is the voice in my head that tries to keep me down.
3: Austin has been very cute the last couple days, being all concerned that he is waking me up when he gets up, and not seeming to understand that if he wakes me up at like 7:30, that means I've essentially slept in for over two hours. My bedtime hasn't changed any, I'm just getting heaps more sleep and it's *awesome*.
