MOOP!

Trigger Warning: non-graphic post about my abuser (emotional, sexual)

Valentines day was one of the first times I can ever remember being at their house. They had presents for me¹ and we hung out some and...

...and.

Second base at least, tender and sweet and exciting at how new. But still so scary and still so shy because exciting is not always enough to overwhelm the sense that this is not who I am meant to be. And I was not old enough to have the vocabulary to say "no".

The holiday's not something I've paid much attention to in the last few years, no one I date really celebrates it so nor do I. And mostly I can get through it okay. Unless my brain makes that damnable connection and remembers that there was a year I celebrated it.

...honesty, Sor. *Until* my brain makes that damnable connection.

I hate this holiday for a completely different reason from the rest of you. And now I have to shove away my memories and put down my dearest Emily, and eat something quick-quick lest I faint and rush off to work, to teach. The world is never so unfair as when it refuses to stop for my pain.

Me.
MOOP!

1: Those are gone now. The only thing I still own from them is the notes. Because never before had someone courted me in words, and never since. Little notes to say "I love you", left on my keyboard or snuck into my pockets, every day it seemed. I cry when I look upon them, but there is no part of this writer's soul that could destroy them. And I don't want you to try either.

Trigger Warning: non-graphic post about my abuser (emotional, sexual)

Trigger warning: Sexual assault/abuse

For a long time now -since ninth grade at least, meaning before I was actually abused- I have had a reoccurring dream theme of being molested. Not often, only once every eight or fourteen months. Someone I know (someone I'm friends with) sexually assaults me, and I'm unable to get away.

I wake up from these dreams feeling awful: trapped and scared, powerless, damaged. It's never the exact same situation or the same person, but almost always someone I know well enough to like and trust. It is horrifying on an entirely different level to dream of someone you like fracturing your trust so severely.

It's been a while since I had one of these dreams, but I had one last night (about someone at the dance weekend I was at, to make it all worse). In the dream, they took liberties with me, pawing at my body, roughly groping my ass and breasts. They were taking advantage of being bigger than my dream self to keep me helpless.

And in the dream, I managed to escape to somewhere public, and was actively accusing them to those around us. I was making plans as to how I could arrange my life to never see them again, to never be alone with them again. I was preparing to speak to the authorities. And I _knew_ it was in no way my fault.

It's the first time I've ever woken up from a molestation dream with a sense of empowerment lingering at the back of my mind, rather than sleeze.

I can only pray that future iterations of this dream go the same way. It's a twist ending I can live with.

~Sor
MOOP!

TW: Sexual assault/abuse

Trigger warning: Rape, rape culture, mental, emotional, sexual abuse. The usual.

There's been another swing in rape/abuse/bullshit seeping into my world. Not directly affecting me, thank gods, but this is the way it always goes. There will be periods of quiet, where I don't think about it so much, and then there will be periods of noise, where I am drowned in the fact that holy shit is society toxic.

Periods in which the dominant message to me becomes "yes Sor, you were raped, you were abused, you can scar all you want, but don't you ever fucking dare forget, because as soon as you do, we'll send another steaming heap of reminder into your lap."

Which is just exhausting. I have done so much work on this, more work than almost anything else in my entire life¹, and it astounds me sometimes to know how I was and how I am now. I have grown so much, from the crying little girl who said "I...kinda understand completely if you don't want to date the stupid crazy chick." the first time she ever told someone. I am not stupid, I am not crazy, this happened and it wasn't my fault. I've paid my dues and repaired my self-worth and taken all the fucking wounds and turned them into scars.

Shouldn't that be enough?

But of course it's not. Because this is a closet --you can't look at someone and know they were abused-- and because it's a closet, I am going to have to come out of it over and over and over again. Every time I have sex for the rest of my life I am going to do so with the knowledge that I was raped before, and I could be raped again, and what do I do to prevent that?

(Because even though it wasn't my fault I was raped, it is my job to keep from being raped again. Society is goddamn toxic, have I mentioned? The things I say without even thinking, without questioning, because that's just the way things work, it horrifies me. I am someone who has spent a very long time learning a great many things about the rape culture, and being able to note examples when it comes up. And this is still how I talk, like it could possibly be my fault. This is why I think society is all the fucked up.)

At any rate, I don't have anything more useful to say except a couple of quotes:

***

There's been a recent video game trailer that is All! The! Rape! Culture!, and so an excellent writer over at Critical Damage tries to explain to the typical-gamer-dudebros what's wrong with that. Somewhere near the end he says:

Rape shouldn't be a women's issue, it should be a men's issue because we are the ones that keep fucking doing it and keep perpetuating the culture. It's about time we took responsibility for that ourselves.

Does rape happen to non-women? Absolutely. Is fighting the rape culture something everyone should work on? Yes please. Are men (especially white, hetero, abled men) given the most credibility in this fucked up society and therefore the most able to be taken seriously when they complain?

Yes. And that's wrong and awful but doesn't stop being true just because it's wrong and awful. Standing up against the rape culture and against rape jokes and against "lol 'seduction'" and against the ideas that women are objects and violence is sexy is hard. But I bet it's a lot easier if you're not worried that by doing so, you're opening yourself up to more of the same. I wouldn't know.

***

Glancing in my quotes file, I find this, which came from Yet Another Post On Fetlife Talking About Being Raped²:

"We both drove and have to pay the parking meter. In an act of extreme chivalry, he pushes my hand aside to insist he pay for my parking. Nothing says, “Look here, you cunt, I’m a gentleman,” like forcing $2.50 in meter fees on someone."

I have a lot of complicated feelings on presents and independence and owing someone and being owned, and a lot of those feelings currently are "stop that Sor, people want to be nice to you, let them".

But people shouldn't want more of me than I am willing to give them, and if I want to be a stubborn prideful ass and pay for my own damn parking, respect that please.

***

Here we go. Here is the big one. I found this yesterday while trawling the archives of Captain Awkward, which is a fantastic advice blog. I want these words printed on index cards that I can hand to people when they are attempting to make my life difficult, and I want them printed on the ceiling so I can always remind myself that the important thing is not that I was raped but that I survived.

One of the upsides to abuse (really!) is this: Somebody has already done just about the worst fucking thing ever to me. What the hell do you think you have on that? Awkward social gathering? Emotionally manipulative hissy fit? Motherfucker, I’ve been raped, this is not even a drop in my bucket of fuck you.

Empowerment through anger? I'll take it.

***

And in the same thread, there is a comment that just...breaks my heart with how perfect it is.

Before you tell your abuse secret, you are The Only One Ever to Experience This Horrible Thing. And seriously, that is so awful. It’s having a waking-up-crying nightmare going on in the back of your head all the time. With bonus shushing from other people who just want to sleep, not hear about your nightmare.

And then you tell anyway, when you have your own reason to tell. And SO OFTEN the person you tell says, oh hey, you too? Let me share my abuse story with you!

And if I think about that it makes me cry, because WE WERE BABIES and they hurt us.

But on the other hand, each one of us thought we were all alone, and we so are not. Each one of us said “I have to build my own foundations because nobody will let me stand in their house” and then we look around and find we are in an effing CATHEDRAL that we all built.

That’s awesome. And terrible, but awesome too.

Raise your hand if, long before I kept this fact public and in the light (instead of buried deep and secret where my rapist wanted it), I told you I was raped, abused, molested, whatever.

And you said "me too".

Because it was a lot of you, and welcome to the cathedral. It's not perfect, but it means that none of us are alone.

***

Is it whiny and self-indulgent to be posting about it? Oh absolutely. There's not a specific trigger, there's not a specific call to arms, I've just been having a week where I've been more slapped across the fact than usual that I was abused and that can't ever go away. But at the same time, there's a dirty bitter part of me that thinks if I can't escape it, then there's no reason you lucky fucks who haven't gone through this bullshit ought to be free either.

Rape happens. Abuse happens. A lot. It's horrible, it's terrifying, it's fact. I've been raped, and the way I fight the rape culture is by being this amazing transcendent thing despite the fact. How are you going to fight?

~Sor
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1: And that makes me angry, because holy shit, what if I could have devoted the time and passion and rage and wordcount to something other than making myself functional? What if I hadn't ever been broken, goddess, do you know how much I've spent on this? I have never been more angry at my rapist than right now, because forget taking away innocence or trust or self-worth, I can repair those, you took time away from me you evil beast, and how can I ever get that back?

2: An acceptable number of these to have read would be "zero, maybe one in extreme unfortunate circumstances". I have read literally dozens, and I'm not even particularly active on Fetlife --this is just my small circle of friends commenting on stories that sometimes I see and click through to.

Trigger warnings go both ways: Rape, rape culture, mental, emotional, sexual abuse. Thanks for reading folks.

So, the past two years, I have posted a list of "Top Songs of 20xx". Top is an extremely vague descriptor of course, but it's basically all the things that I couldn't help but listen to on repeat.

This year was the first time I was actually organized enough about the project to keep track of all the songs as they happened, and not have to scramble to remember them later. So, in roughly chronological order (yay!) I give you the Top Songs of 2011.

Mandelbrot Set by Jonathan Coulton, peaking January 11th, but being played a bit before and after then. I don't know why. It's a good song, though.

( And then I inexplicably use ALL THE WORDS, so sanity-cut )

And similar to last year, there were a couple things on YouTube that I listened to/watched way too much as well:

HE'S GOT A POSH NAME AND HE'S ON THE TELEVISION, SO IT COMES AS NO SURPRISE THAT ALL THE DIRTY GIRLS WANT BENEDIC-- okay no don't actually watch this it will earworm forever.

I'm behind on my Weird Al love, but Perform This Way was awesome.

And because "fuck you, Homestuck, that's why." I present [S] Everyone: Have Sweet Rave Party. Okay, and because seriously "Homestuck, that's why", there is also Moves Like Homestuck. They recently played "Moves Like Jagger" at Squares and I couldn't stop grinning like an idiot. It's mostly Tavros, and yes I know exactly how terrible a human being I am for that. Okay, and Eridan. And Terezi. And Nepeta doing Carameldansen. And _dammit, this is just my favourite fanwork, okay?_

HOLY FUCK.

THAT WAS A LOT OF WORDS ABOUT MUSIC.

Happy New Years, y'all. And now I am going to go make a playlist and entitle it "Top Songs of 2012" and see if anything interesting comes of it...

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Something I don't think I've ever intentionally mentioned: the filter on livejournal in which I discuss rape is called "TherapyFilter". Or more accurately, "TheRapyFilter". Hence.

2: I don't know exactly where this construct came from, but "I want to put it in my mouth" is totally my current way of saying I really like a thing. This works really well until I accidentally(intentionally) mix it up with "I want to have your babies" and say to Ria "I want to put your babies in my mouth."

Luckily, Ria is the best moirail, and thinks I am only a little entirely weird. It's okay, she keeps threatening to pee on everything I love.