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Dec. 12th, 2024 01:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressI have a letter from Tho in my inbox! This is something that hasn't happened to me for ages and ages, and I'm very excited about it. It turns out, sometimes if you reach out to your friends from the past, it like...works! And you get to communicate with them again!
I haven't read it, because I realize it's something that _actually can be used as a reward_, which is rare and difficult for my brain. There's a Hyperbole and a Half comic1 that goes here, but I can't find it on a quick scan, and if I try a serious scan I will accidentally reread all of Hyperbole and a Half. The gist of the comic is "Okay self, you are not allowed to eat any treats until you complete a task" "okay but like look, I can just eat them" "NO you have to DO THE TASK" "the treats are literally just going in my mouth" "BUT THE TASK" "nope, I want treats now here we go".
Which is how I feel about half of all possible rewards for myself. The other half boils down to this complicated thing where it's like "what do you want to do" "I want to play an incredibly shitty phone game that produces dopamine without joy" "okay, let's make playing that a reward for doing a task" "It is definitely not worth it to do a task just to play a shitty game I don't enjoy, so I don't have any motivation to do the task".
This is why I get incredibly annoyed when people suggest that ADHD is any kind of superpower.
So yes! A ~reward!~ Something that I actually want *and* is complex enough that I'm not just immediately consuming it, I can wait and savour it and do it properly! Which of course is throwing me into mad paralysis of "well what do I do to earn it then? Cure cancer? Complete my entire grading backlog? File ALL the things?"
No babe, you really do try to be reasonable about what is feasible in your life. Let's make a list of five things, and then you can read it:
This is a good plan. We will try hard to complete this plan. Or possibly I will NEVER complete these five things, and it will be another decade before Tho and I communicate again, which would feel ~shitty~. Let's not do that.
I hope you are well.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Did you know that "I wanted the opposite of this", a sentence I say all the damn time, is originally H&1/2? I don't think I remembered that! I probably assumed I just gathered it from "the internet" in general.
I haven't read it, because I realize it's something that _actually can be used as a reward_, which is rare and difficult for my brain. There's a Hyperbole and a Half comic1 that goes here, but I can't find it on a quick scan, and if I try a serious scan I will accidentally reread all of Hyperbole and a Half. The gist of the comic is "Okay self, you are not allowed to eat any treats until you complete a task" "okay but like look, I can just eat them" "NO you have to DO THE TASK" "the treats are literally just going in my mouth" "BUT THE TASK" "nope, I want treats now here we go".
Which is how I feel about half of all possible rewards for myself. The other half boils down to this complicated thing where it's like "what do you want to do" "I want to play an incredibly shitty phone game that produces dopamine without joy" "okay, let's make playing that a reward for doing a task" "It is definitely not worth it to do a task just to play a shitty game I don't enjoy, so I don't have any motivation to do the task".
This is why I get incredibly annoyed when people suggest that ADHD is any kind of superpower.
So yes! A ~reward!~ Something that I actually want *and* is complex enough that I'm not just immediately consuming it, I can wait and savour it and do it properly! Which of course is throwing me into mad paralysis of "well what do I do to earn it then? Cure cancer? Complete my entire grading backlog? File ALL the things?"
No babe, you really do try to be reasonable about what is feasible in your life. Let's make a list of five things, and then you can read it:
- Yesterday you did all the laundry (yay) but you haven't put it away yet. Do that, including getting the last of it from the basement and also like hanging up the hangy stuff. (You can watch something on the telly during if that helps).
- You made a pretty good emailpush and got through all the emails from like Dec1 to Dec7 or something. Keep going with that until you reach the email in question, at least.
- Look at the union HW and do some work on it. (go to meeting, wordsmith, set up a zoom meeting)
- Finish at least one class of the first part of Performance Task grading, you're actually pretty close just from working in odd moments today (hey reminder to self, you can actually do a fair chunk of grading at your desk while students are working independently, you just need to...do it.
- Read it at an actual computer, and not just on your phone, so if you have concepts or replies or thoughts right off the bat, you can actually do that.
This is a good plan. We will try hard to complete this plan. Or possibly I will NEVER complete these five things, and it will be another decade before Tho and I communicate again, which would feel ~shitty~. Let's not do that.
I hope you are well.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Did you know that "I wanted the opposite of this", a sentence I say all the damn time, is originally H&1/2? I don't think I remembered that! I probably assumed I just gathered it from "the internet" in general.
no subject
on 2024-12-13 02:07 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2024-12-14 12:56 am (UTC)no subject
on 2025-01-22 07:14 pm (UTC)As a teacher and as a person, I really don't want to fall into the trap of "I have to be perfect" because perfect is _absolutely_ the enemy of good, and it's actually great to embrace NOT being perfect and just doing things mediocrely (shit art is better than no art).
But as an ADHD person....a lot of things really are all or nothing. Once I've said I don't have to follow a rule _once_, it's fuckin' done. Which is probably pretty fuckin' unhealthy! Don't like it! And yet, how else can I manage to make the rules work?
~Sor