(no subject)
Oct. 4th, 2021 11:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressMan. One of the shit things about today is that, when putting something in my bag in order to get ready to leave, I somehow managed to jam something under the nail on my middle finger, about halfway up judging by the discolouration. In the moment, it hurt at whatever numerical level is "cannot think or process anything but the pain", luckily only for a few moments. Since then, it has hurt somewhere in the much lower number of "can notice by thinking about/am always vaguely aware".
But it turns out the middle finger on the left hand does in fact get used for things --quite a bit of typing, among other problems-- and so that's been making it hurt worse all day. So, that's not great and I'm annoyed about it, because it's not like typing is an optional part of my life/job.
A second shit thing about today is that we have rats living under our garage floor. I saw one last week, and it Fucked Me Up --I did just barely manage to get my bike out that morn, but then in the evening wound up sitting in the yard sobbing for over ten minutes before I could work up the courage to open the garage door. It took me four or five tries -I lost count- to even get within a yard of the fucking thing. Now, I was pretty braindead at the time for work and stuff, so I'm not surprised the phobics hit so bad, but damn, that was really bad.
And then this morning I saw it again, and maybe a second one a moment later on the other side. And just stood there with the garage door open and my heart screaming in my chest and I hate this _so much_. At least on the way home today --in the wet, with my glasses fogged half blind, and coming off 11 straight hours of work-- I could force myself past and put the bike away without having to steel my nerves for several minutes.
I hate that the thing-I-call-Dissociation is not something I can do when I'm alone, not really. It's a way to blank myself out and pretend functionality around other people, but I'm not able to lie to myself like that. Which means the rat phobia hits hardest when I'm alone, because there's no one to pretend to that I am brave or competent or unaffected. I just...am frozen and alone and so distressed it hurts.
A third shit thing about today is that I logged eleven hours of active work today. _Technically_ that should probably be ten, because one of the hours was my mentee having a bit of a freak-out and needing to rant about classes and get his brain on straight, but like, he is officially my mentee so that is an official work duty for me and loggable in my little time spreadsheet I use.
And the really shit part about that length of time is I need to append "so far". Grades are due tomorrow and I really critically need to get the big test from over a week ago into the gradebook for them, because I'm going to wind up spending the rest of the week contacting parents to explain why their kids are failing, I suspect.
***
I do like the sound of the rain outside my window though, and I did have a very nice weekend in Providence with my girlfriend.
She let me try out her VR headset so I got to play beat saber (fucking awesome, want to play with it more!) and we played some Rockband, and there was lots and _lots_ of strolling along the canal and getting to see the city. She had a covid test to take and so I climbed a big tree next to the building while I waited for her to come out. Mostly it was just nice to have someone to hold me and to hold in return at the end of the day.
I told her it felt like it wasn't the real world, getting to spend time with her, and that I didn't want to come back here. Having all the shit happen all on top of each other is not helping with that perception.
***
I hope your early autumn is falling softer than mine. May we all survive to see the returning of the light.
~Sor
MOOP!
But it turns out the middle finger on the left hand does in fact get used for things --quite a bit of typing, among other problems-- and so that's been making it hurt worse all day. So, that's not great and I'm annoyed about it, because it's not like typing is an optional part of my life/job.
A second shit thing about today is that we have rats living under our garage floor. I saw one last week, and it Fucked Me Up --I did just barely manage to get my bike out that morn, but then in the evening wound up sitting in the yard sobbing for over ten minutes before I could work up the courage to open the garage door. It took me four or five tries -I lost count- to even get within a yard of the fucking thing. Now, I was pretty braindead at the time for work and stuff, so I'm not surprised the phobics hit so bad, but damn, that was really bad.
And then this morning I saw it again, and maybe a second one a moment later on the other side. And just stood there with the garage door open and my heart screaming in my chest and I hate this _so much_. At least on the way home today --in the wet, with my glasses fogged half blind, and coming off 11 straight hours of work-- I could force myself past and put the bike away without having to steel my nerves for several minutes.
I hate that the thing-I-call-Dissociation is not something I can do when I'm alone, not really. It's a way to blank myself out and pretend functionality around other people, but I'm not able to lie to myself like that. Which means the rat phobia hits hardest when I'm alone, because there's no one to pretend to that I am brave or competent or unaffected. I just...am frozen and alone and so distressed it hurts.
A third shit thing about today is that I logged eleven hours of active work today. _Technically_ that should probably be ten, because one of the hours was my mentee having a bit of a freak-out and needing to rant about classes and get his brain on straight, but like, he is officially my mentee so that is an official work duty for me and loggable in my little time spreadsheet I use.
And the really shit part about that length of time is I need to append "so far". Grades are due tomorrow and I really critically need to get the big test from over a week ago into the gradebook for them, because I'm going to wind up spending the rest of the week contacting parents to explain why their kids are failing, I suspect.
***
I do like the sound of the rain outside my window though, and I did have a very nice weekend in Providence with my girlfriend.
She let me try out her VR headset so I got to play beat saber (fucking awesome, want to play with it more!) and we played some Rockband, and there was lots and _lots_ of strolling along the canal and getting to see the city. She had a covid test to take and so I climbed a big tree next to the building while I waited for her to come out. Mostly it was just nice to have someone to hold me and to hold in return at the end of the day.
I told her it felt like it wasn't the real world, getting to spend time with her, and that I didn't want to come back here. Having all the shit happen all on top of each other is not helping with that perception.
***
I hope your early autumn is falling softer than mine. May we all survive to see the returning of the light.
~Sor
MOOP!
no subject
on 2021-10-05 11:19 am (UTC)no subject
on 2021-10-05 11:20 am (UTC)no subject
on 2021-10-08 01:16 pm (UTC)If it helps (with the problem-solving, not the phobia) I'll mention that there's a poison-free technique for killing rats that's relatively humane: Putting a bunch of dry ice down the hole and sealing the entrances.