Practice is a laudable goal
May. 22nd, 2019 11:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressTonight I rang Stedman Doubles.
I watched the one real close as a different group was ringing it, and then when they finished leaned over and asked Danielle (who was leading practice), if I could have a go at it with a strong band if there was time. Danielle seemed totally delighted to let me do so (saying her plan was to have me practice the dodging, but this was fine too if I felt ready).
She said I should get a good job sticker after. Josh applauded. Margaret told me specific I did an excellent job and Elaine said I have to add the word "gloriously" to the sentence that starts this entry. I rang Stedman Doubles, for the first time tonight, and I did so gloriously.
I am somewhat frustrated with my brain, because it won't let me just have this. "But I know Stedman really well" it says. "It's the first thing I learned on the app, before Plain Bob even". "I've drawn it dozens of times". "I've rung it in hand more'n just about anything (except maybe PBM)". "We spent like an hour of that Saturday practice two weeks ago doing just the front work". "Elaine was pointing out my dodging partners for me".
My brain is saying all of those as minimizations, as "this isn't really anything special" as "this isn't actually an achievement because x-y-z." My brain is refusing to recognize the fact that what those are are all _steps on the ladder_ and of COURSE they led me to being able to do this tonight and do it well. None of these are minimizations, they're fucking *proof*.
I rang Stedman Doubles tonight, and I rang it gloriously, because I'm very well prepared for Stedman. I have spent a lot of time and quiet brain in the last year and a half practicing this method. I think it's beautiful and have put focus into knowing what it looks like, and learning the path from any number of positions. I've practiced being part of the sound of it on handbells. I've practiced the front work. I'm accepting help with the parts that are hard to see on paper (the pattern of who to dodge with and when) until I can learn them on my own.
If I work really hard on something, I can do it. And the work keeps going and going and sometimes it's easier and a lot of the time it's harder, and I beat my head around the different ways to say and understand and question and explain until it finally clicks. This is a thing I can do --I can practice, I _can_ learn. I do not have to be inherently good at things to be able to do them.
The Saturday where we did nothing but front work was so beautiful to watch, because I really do know the pattern of the slow work like the back of my hand, but it still took again and again and again with the ropes to get them where we wanted and have the handling enough in place. Now I do it ten thousand more times until it's utterly natural. Practice is a laudable goal. I am allowed to start out poorly.
Actually let, me say that last part again: I am allowed to start out poorly. I am allowed to be poorly in the middle. I am allowed to be still learning and to mess up and to need to start over again and again. I am allowed to have trouble counting places and difficulties remembering where to look, who I'm dodging with. And really, forget "allowed", I must do these things or I'll never get there in the first place.
Tonight I rang Stedman Doubles. One glorious plain course (with a beauteous smartass of a conductor saying "stand next please" instead of that's all, so we even came round perfectly into our ending.) I'm proud of myself, and that's allowed --it's been hard work to get here.
One good job sticker for me, please.
~Sor
MOOP!
Original Tags: bestof, tintinnabulation, accomplishments
I watched the one real close as a different group was ringing it, and then when they finished leaned over and asked Danielle (who was leading practice), if I could have a go at it with a strong band if there was time. Danielle seemed totally delighted to let me do so (saying her plan was to have me practice the dodging, but this was fine too if I felt ready).
She said I should get a good job sticker after. Josh applauded. Margaret told me specific I did an excellent job and Elaine said I have to add the word "gloriously" to the sentence that starts this entry. I rang Stedman Doubles, for the first time tonight, and I did so gloriously.
I am somewhat frustrated with my brain, because it won't let me just have this. "But I know Stedman really well" it says. "It's the first thing I learned on the app, before Plain Bob even". "I've drawn it dozens of times". "I've rung it in hand more'n just about anything (except maybe PBM)". "We spent like an hour of that Saturday practice two weeks ago doing just the front work". "Elaine was pointing out my dodging partners for me".
My brain is saying all of those as minimizations, as "this isn't really anything special" as "this isn't actually an achievement because x-y-z." My brain is refusing to recognize the fact that what those are are all _steps on the ladder_ and of COURSE they led me to being able to do this tonight and do it well. None of these are minimizations, they're fucking *proof*.
I rang Stedman Doubles tonight, and I rang it gloriously, because I'm very well prepared for Stedman. I have spent a lot of time and quiet brain in the last year and a half practicing this method. I think it's beautiful and have put focus into knowing what it looks like, and learning the path from any number of positions. I've practiced being part of the sound of it on handbells. I've practiced the front work. I'm accepting help with the parts that are hard to see on paper (the pattern of who to dodge with and when) until I can learn them on my own.
If I work really hard on something, I can do it. And the work keeps going and going and sometimes it's easier and a lot of the time it's harder, and I beat my head around the different ways to say and understand and question and explain until it finally clicks. This is a thing I can do --I can practice, I _can_ learn. I do not have to be inherently good at things to be able to do them.
The Saturday where we did nothing but front work was so beautiful to watch, because I really do know the pattern of the slow work like the back of my hand, but it still took again and again and again with the ropes to get them where we wanted and have the handling enough in place. Now I do it ten thousand more times until it's utterly natural. Practice is a laudable goal. I am allowed to start out poorly.
Actually let, me say that last part again: I am allowed to start out poorly. I am allowed to be poorly in the middle. I am allowed to be still learning and to mess up and to need to start over again and again. I am allowed to have trouble counting places and difficulties remembering where to look, who I'm dodging with. And really, forget "allowed", I must do these things or I'll never get there in the first place.
Tonight I rang Stedman Doubles. One glorious plain course (with a beauteous smartass of a conductor saying "stand next please" instead of that's all, so we even came round perfectly into our ending.) I'm proud of myself, and that's allowed --it's been hard work to get here.
One good job sticker for me, please.
~Sor
MOOP!
Original Tags: bestof, tintinnabulation, accomplishments
no subject
on 2019-05-23 10:28 am (UTC)Stedman is an excellent choice for stepwise preparation, and I'm glad your steps in the past have added up to a glorious whole now. And that you'll be able to allow yourself to do some not perfect bits along the way to something good in the future.
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Posted by(no subject)
Posted byno subject
on 2019-05-23 10:32 am (UTC)(I am really loving reading about all this, and am having my world opened to a thing I didn’t know about. Thank you!)
no subject
on 2019-05-23 11:43 am (UTC)no subject
on 2019-05-24 09:48 pm (UTC)