(no subject)
Dec. 8th, 2018 01:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressYesterday, I didn't write my words, breaking a twelve day streak. Which was the longest I'd had since...June? No, sorry, since OCTOBER 2016. It had been more than two years since I'd had a continuous run on 750words that long. damn.
My punishment, because yes actually, I am going to punish myself for this1, is that I'm not allowed to use electronics today, with a very small list of exceptions (one of which was writing my words for today). I think that's going to continue to be the punishment moving forward --if I miss a day of writing, I don't get to play with my toys the next. We'll see how long this pattern lasts. Hopefully, it will turn into just...me writing my words as part of my existence, rather than a weird yo-yoing back-and-forth of days where I can and can't log on.
(On the plus side, if it does turn into the second, days where I'm not allowed screen time are GOOD FOR ME, OKAY!? Work on the physical world for a while, kiddo.)
A brief list of things that are allowed today2:
That's gonna be it for me today. There's grading to do, and a theatre show to go see, and a party in the evening and it's not like I'm suffering or without joy or sociability or nothin'. But from now on, if I miss a day of writing, I don't get to keep swanning about playing video games like I didn't fuck up.
So written, so true3.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: "Kat, punishing yourself is not an appropriate thing to d-" fuck that. I am extremely self-assured, I know a lot more than you do about who and what I am, and while I recognize that in general we should be kind to ourselves, I also fully recognize that I am a being who sometimes requires harshness to operate. There's a reason my second denizen4 is explicitly a "guardian bitch", and it's because I respond *really well* to an internal voice that is not actually gentle. And yeah, if it's something that's important to me -like writing- and important for my overall mental health --like writing-- then I am allowed to say that fucking it up brings consequences, and absolutely they're gonna be things that make me sad because otherwise they don't count as a punishment!
Also seriously seriously, it is good for me to have less screen time in my life, always.
2: Future days will have different lists. But basically I am always allowed to check the weather, write my words, publish content, take photos, and do real live Adulting and Paid Work.
3: Hey, I cast a spell! That's neat, I don't do that publicly very often. I actively don't seek out magic type blogs most of the time, because the way magic works for me is exactly identical to the way religion/prayer works for me: Completely privately and driven by the impulse of how to build This Moment into a ritual. I have a lot of faith for someone who probably comes across as largely atheistic, but I'm a pretty deep stickler on the idea of "that's mine, it's not for you to see or share". I should write more about this sometime.
4: Other things I should write more about sometime...
My punishment, because yes actually, I am going to punish myself for this1, is that I'm not allowed to use electronics today, with a very small list of exceptions (one of which was writing my words for today). I think that's going to continue to be the punishment moving forward --if I miss a day of writing, I don't get to play with my toys the next. We'll see how long this pattern lasts. Hopefully, it will turn into just...me writing my words as part of my existence, rather than a weird yo-yoing back-and-forth of days where I can and can't log on.
(On the plus side, if it does turn into the second, days where I'm not allowed screen time are GOOD FOR ME, OKAY!? Work on the physical world for a while, kiddo.)
A brief list of things that are allowed today2:
- Harassing mama over text about arranging my flight to Dallas for winter break
- Checking my email for the express and sole purpose of checking in about my Unit Four lesson plans, which I sent to Scotland yesterday, and am very terrified are going to be fucked up somehow.
- Using my phone to check the weather and the time, but *not* to play Pokemon or do anything else.
- Okay, I guess I'm also allowed to answer incoming texts if not answering them would be Rude As Fuck. But I shouldn't be doing social texting, and certainly not initiating social texting.
- I can write my words for today! Huzzah! I did it! Day 1!
- I can actively use twitter and dreamwidth as an output form only. Which is to say that I can post, but I can't read. I can't even go look at notifications to see if people have responded to me, which let me tell you, is The Worst. Please respond to me anyways, I am, as always, desperate for attention.
- I can take pictures of stuff
- I can call the post office about my missing package and be Very Sad at them
That's gonna be it for me today. There's grading to do, and a theatre show to go see, and a party in the evening and it's not like I'm suffering or without joy or sociability or nothin'. But from now on, if I miss a day of writing, I don't get to keep swanning about playing video games like I didn't fuck up.
So written, so true3.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: "Kat, punishing yourself is not an appropriate thing to d-" fuck that. I am extremely self-assured, I know a lot more than you do about who and what I am, and while I recognize that in general we should be kind to ourselves, I also fully recognize that I am a being who sometimes requires harshness to operate. There's a reason my second denizen4 is explicitly a "guardian bitch", and it's because I respond *really well* to an internal voice that is not actually gentle. And yeah, if it's something that's important to me -like writing- and important for my overall mental health --like writing-- then I am allowed to say that fucking it up brings consequences, and absolutely they're gonna be things that make me sad because otherwise they don't count as a punishment!
Also seriously seriously, it is good for me to have less screen time in my life, always.
2: Future days will have different lists. But basically I am always allowed to check the weather, write my words, publish content, take photos, and do real live Adulting and Paid Work.
3: Hey, I cast a spell! That's neat, I don't do that publicly very often. I actively don't seek out magic type blogs most of the time, because the way magic works for me is exactly identical to the way religion/prayer works for me: Completely privately and driven by the impulse of how to build This Moment into a ritual. I have a lot of faith for someone who probably comes across as largely atheistic, but I'm a pretty deep stickler on the idea of "that's mine, it's not for you to see or share". I should write more about this sometime.
4: Other things I should write more about sometime...
no subject
on 2018-12-08 11:07 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2018-12-09 04:15 am (UTC)In other words, you are asking, requesting, that I deliberately frustrate you?
OK, I can do that :-).
no subject
on 2018-12-09 12:05 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2018-12-10 05:20 pm (UTC)(some of the others are "thoughts are power" and "oaths are binding", but I should sit down and try to articulate the rest of them sometime)
no subject
on 2018-12-15 04:19 pm (UTC)