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Nov. 6th, 2014 11:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressI got pinged by a friend of mine to participate in The Sex Letters Project. Because it's me, mine is about two thousand words long, and under a cut:
***
2014 11 05-6
Hey! Hey you, "better weird than dull", yeah, let's talk.
(Can I just call you Sorcyress? You will certainly be using the name soon if not already. You're probably what, 15? Pre Blue Canary? Don't worry about who that is, yes, it is a song lyric from that awesome band you just discovered.)
Anyways.
I'm you from the future. 10 years, to be exact, the far off land of 2014, and we're gonna have a nice chat about sex.
No, not stock tips, nice try. I don't even know how to buy stock, so you certainly don't. How do you know it's really me? Because we're prepared for this possibility. [Redacted, redacted, redacted]. Bam.
So, like I said, we're gonna have a little talk about sex. It's for an internet project, letters to the past, stuff I wish I'd known when I was you. That sort of thing. Don't play coy, you think sex and sexuality are really fascinating abstract concepts, worthy of a lot of thought, and that's not bad. I'm just here to bring you more information, especially since eventually it's gonna be, er, a little less abstract.
Ah, you are looking aghast, and muttering under your breath about regrets. WHAT AN EXCELLENT SEGUE! Let's start with the big pice of advice, you giant pile of judgement you. Do you know what slut shaming is? Obviously not!1 Anywho, Slut Shaming is when you get all down on other people for the consensual choices they make with their consensual bodies. This letter is gonna be public, so I'm not gonna name names, but you damn well know who I'm talking about, and you damn well better stop being such a shaming judgmental jerk to them POST HASTE.
People make consensual choices and have consensual sex. Even when they're teenagers. Some teenagers have lots of happy sex. Some teenagers have sex that they thought would be happy but looking back later was kinda regretful. Some teenagers have every possible variation of "it doesn't count if...". Some teenagers have no sex. All of these options are okay -even the regretting one- and none of them are even remotely your business.
(Some teenagers are raped and some teenagers are coerced, and that is _not sex_. We'll talk about that more a little later.)
I know you're not currently psyched about sex. That is TOTALLY OKAY but does not, in any way shape or form, give you the right to be an ass to people who are psyched about sex. Unless someone is explicitly asking your advice, you should keep your damn nose out of their sex life. And even if they are asking, focus on helpful answers, not judgey-judgement. "As long as you're happy, I'm glad." is a great phrase.
One more piece of this: Posting anything to public internet spaces (let's be real, livejournal. LJ is the only thing that matters, basically always.) that has holier-than-thou undertones or outright says that fucking before marriage is gross and immoral and wrong counts too. You have a BehindTheWalls journal (or I guess you will soon?) and you can write whatever the fuck you want there, without making your friends feel ostricized or judged.
Okay. That was big thing number one. How long is this? Like, three pages, you know how verbose we are. Probably longer since I didn't technically finish it, and now I'm adding more to it. Relax, we both know you're hanging on my every word. Here is big thing number two. It's really important.
You never ever have to do anything sexual with anyone no matter what. If you ever ask someone to stop doing anything sexual, and their answer is anything other than an immediate "oh gods, I am so sorry, absolutely let's stop" RUN DO NOT WALK. Find someone you trust --shut up, find mom, she is the least judgemental human being on the entire planet, I mean it. Or I dunno, call JannyBlue, she's certainly bailed you out enough. Or MommyRex, or Ednoria --how about that twenty minutes in the car every week, eh?-- or even Neva. There are *so* people you can contact about this sort of thing, even if you're feeling ashamed and stupid and small. There are people who will hold you and let you cry and tell you stories and give support. I promise you, strong grown woman2, there is nothing you will go through that others will not be able to support. And seriously, talk to mom. She will not judge, she will take care of you3.
Given the vehemence and verbiage in that last paragraph, I'm pretty sure you can guess the rest. Here's another important piece: Never be with anyone just because they want you to. Never be with someone who makes you feel _tired_, every time. Do not burn out your own flame just to add fuel to theirs.
You cannot save other people. It is kind of you to try, but if you feel like all your energy is going into helping them, this is not fair, and not okay. Partners support each other. They do not drain each other.
Oh, and anyone who will take your triumphs and twist them to be about their pain is a Royal Shitlord who fails at being an empathetic human being. I reiterate my "run don't walk" above. You do not need them, and it is not your problem that they need you. I repeat, for you at 15, and 17, and 18, and 20, and 25, YOU DO NOT NEED THEM AND IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM THAT THEY NEED YOU.
There's the two big ones: don't be judgmental about other people's consensual choices. Get the fuck away from people who try to dictate or destroy your "consensual" choices. You are important, and there are a lot of people on Team You, but no matter what, no one will be able to care for or about you as much as you can. Be your own best advocate4.
A few little things too.
In approximately a year, you'll have this fleeting, quickly-squashed thought of "but poly?" DO NOT SQUASH THOSE THOUGHTS. Embrace those thoughts! Embrace that identity! You never gave two fucks what anyone else thought about you, why start now? Talk about it with people you trust, research it a lot, learn what you can, but most importantly, accept that you are so fucking awesome it would be a sin to limit your awesomeness to one partner. And you deserve so much greatness it would be impossible to find it all in one person.5
(Other people are not poly, and that doesn't make them less awesome or deserving of less great than you, it just means that their weird is different from your weird. Everyone should do what works for them, HINT: THIS IS WHAT WORKS FOR US. A LOT.)
Closely related, communication is so great. And there is NOT a wrong way to communicate! If someone is all "blee-bloo, never ask this kind of question in a note" forget their sorry ass. You ask questions and have conversations in whatever communication method works best for you! Fucking invest in interpretive dance if that's how you and a person "speak" best. The only bad kind of communication is no communication.6
Gender and Sexual Identity can change over time. You are an asexual, bisexual,7 cis8 female person. I am an allosexual, awesomesexual, genderneutral/genderqueer/non-binary FAAB9 person. We are the same person, and that is okay. We're pretty good about not feeling weird about it, keep that up.
Dudes are every bit as creepy as you think they are, and worse. It never really changes. Despite this, you'll probably always find it slightly easier to make dude-friends than lady-friends (you'll figure out part of why in like 2011 or so). Despite this, lots of dudes are awesome. Despite this, you can find healthy relationships with people who respect you. But seriously, the good ones will understand if you wanna scream with fury and fear about the patriarchy.
Maybe start researching intersectionality now?
Can we go back to that part where "it is not your problem if they need you"? It's nice to be wanted, but man, there are comfortable limits and people will slam right over them. You're a Good Girl, you just wanna make people happy, but do not kill yourself to do it. Other people's mental problems are NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Not even if they're your partner.
(Help them if you can --you are kind and you are a Herald and I'd warp more than just time if I convinced you not to be-- but remember that the primary difficulties rest in their brain. If someone (you know, hypothetically) gets angry at you because you choose to go to college somewhere other than where they live and then they have trouble sleeping while you're away, it's so very not your goddamn fault they can't sleep. Encourage them to go to therapy, encourage them to research sleep meds, encourage them to talk to their doctor, but oh hey, you can't actually solve this problem because it has nothing to do with you and it's not your fault. If they're trying to make it your fault, it's because they are wrong.)
Keep reading everything you can about sex and sexuality and gender. Eventually, you will add dance and kink to that mental classification, and this is a good thing. You are really cool and interesting and I would be pretty stoked to have a friend as weird and passionate as you are.
As much love as you need,
Katarina Whimsy, known also as Sorcyress, and sometimes as [also redacted].
MOOP!
PostScript: I know you're not gonna be legally old enough to go into the sorts of shops where you could get one for a while still, and you don't have anyone who's the right selection of traits to do it for you, but seriously _get thee a vibrator as soon as possible_. They are, certifiably, The Best.
1: This may be because the term wasn't coined yet, but it's more likely because you're 15. I am writing this from a work computer, so I'm not gonna go googling the etymology just now.
2: This is not true, for a lot of reasons, but the best other naming was "little girl", and if you haven't realized your own toxic connection to that phrase, you will soon. It's not all bad, keep it in your life. Be mindful of when you call yourself by it, and how true it is (or more likely isn't.)
3: Your mother is an absolute treasure, and even when she is being the most boring stick-in-the-mud overbearing parent in the world, know that you are luckier than all your friends. You are Other, but it doesn't matter because she loves you just the same.
4: I continue the thread that your mother is the greatest, and probably the biggest reason why this letter is skipping all the bullshit mechanics parts. Mom already taught you all that, because she is on top of shit. And not judgemental towards you.
5: ...Maybe I should repeat that one again too. Too telling of the current me's issues? Yeeeah.
6: I'm sure there are people and instances in which I have "overshared". I don't care. I have enough trouble opening my soul, I refuse to give my past self advice that makes it harder.
7: Okay, yes, awesomesexual.
8: "Not trans"
9: "Female Assigned At Birth"
***
2014 11 05-6
Hey! Hey you, "better weird than dull", yeah, let's talk.
(Can I just call you Sorcyress? You will certainly be using the name soon if not already. You're probably what, 15? Pre Blue Canary? Don't worry about who that is, yes, it is a song lyric from that awesome band you just discovered.)
Anyways.
I'm you from the future. 10 years, to be exact, the far off land of 2014, and we're gonna have a nice chat about sex.
No, not stock tips, nice try. I don't even know how to buy stock, so you certainly don't. How do you know it's really me? Because we're prepared for this possibility. [Redacted, redacted, redacted]. Bam.
So, like I said, we're gonna have a little talk about sex. It's for an internet project, letters to the past, stuff I wish I'd known when I was you. That sort of thing. Don't play coy, you think sex and sexuality are really fascinating abstract concepts, worthy of a lot of thought, and that's not bad. I'm just here to bring you more information, especially since eventually it's gonna be, er, a little less abstract.
Ah, you are looking aghast, and muttering under your breath about regrets. WHAT AN EXCELLENT SEGUE! Let's start with the big pice of advice, you giant pile of judgement you. Do you know what slut shaming is? Obviously not!1 Anywho, Slut Shaming is when you get all down on other people for the consensual choices they make with their consensual bodies. This letter is gonna be public, so I'm not gonna name names, but you damn well know who I'm talking about, and you damn well better stop being such a shaming judgmental jerk to them POST HASTE.
People make consensual choices and have consensual sex. Even when they're teenagers. Some teenagers have lots of happy sex. Some teenagers have sex that they thought would be happy but looking back later was kinda regretful. Some teenagers have every possible variation of "it doesn't count if...". Some teenagers have no sex. All of these options are okay -even the regretting one- and none of them are even remotely your business.
(Some teenagers are raped and some teenagers are coerced, and that is _not sex_. We'll talk about that more a little later.)
I know you're not currently psyched about sex. That is TOTALLY OKAY but does not, in any way shape or form, give you the right to be an ass to people who are psyched about sex. Unless someone is explicitly asking your advice, you should keep your damn nose out of their sex life. And even if they are asking, focus on helpful answers, not judgey-judgement. "As long as you're happy, I'm glad." is a great phrase.
One more piece of this: Posting anything to public internet spaces (let's be real, livejournal. LJ is the only thing that matters, basically always.) that has holier-than-thou undertones or outright says that fucking before marriage is gross and immoral and wrong counts too. You have a BehindTheWalls journal (or I guess you will soon?) and you can write whatever the fuck you want there, without making your friends feel ostricized or judged.
Okay. That was big thing number one. How long is this? Like, three pages, you know how verbose we are. Probably longer since I didn't technically finish it, and now I'm adding more to it. Relax, we both know you're hanging on my every word. Here is big thing number two. It's really important.
You never ever have to do anything sexual with anyone no matter what. If you ever ask someone to stop doing anything sexual, and their answer is anything other than an immediate "oh gods, I am so sorry, absolutely let's stop" RUN DO NOT WALK. Find someone you trust --shut up, find mom, she is the least judgemental human being on the entire planet, I mean it. Or I dunno, call JannyBlue, she's certainly bailed you out enough. Or MommyRex, or Ednoria --how about that twenty minutes in the car every week, eh?-- or even Neva. There are *so* people you can contact about this sort of thing, even if you're feeling ashamed and stupid and small. There are people who will hold you and let you cry and tell you stories and give support. I promise you, strong grown woman2, there is nothing you will go through that others will not be able to support. And seriously, talk to mom. She will not judge, she will take care of you3.
Given the vehemence and verbiage in that last paragraph, I'm pretty sure you can guess the rest. Here's another important piece: Never be with anyone just because they want you to. Never be with someone who makes you feel _tired_, every time. Do not burn out your own flame just to add fuel to theirs.
You cannot save other people. It is kind of you to try, but if you feel like all your energy is going into helping them, this is not fair, and not okay. Partners support each other. They do not drain each other.
Oh, and anyone who will take your triumphs and twist them to be about their pain is a Royal Shitlord who fails at being an empathetic human being. I reiterate my "run don't walk" above. You do not need them, and it is not your problem that they need you. I repeat, for you at 15, and 17, and 18, and 20, and 25, YOU DO NOT NEED THEM AND IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM THAT THEY NEED YOU.
There's the two big ones: don't be judgmental about other people's consensual choices. Get the fuck away from people who try to dictate or destroy your "consensual" choices. You are important, and there are a lot of people on Team You, but no matter what, no one will be able to care for or about you as much as you can. Be your own best advocate4.
A few little things too.
In approximately a year, you'll have this fleeting, quickly-squashed thought of "but poly?" DO NOT SQUASH THOSE THOUGHTS. Embrace those thoughts! Embrace that identity! You never gave two fucks what anyone else thought about you, why start now? Talk about it with people you trust, research it a lot, learn what you can, but most importantly, accept that you are so fucking awesome it would be a sin to limit your awesomeness to one partner. And you deserve so much greatness it would be impossible to find it all in one person.5
(Other people are not poly, and that doesn't make them less awesome or deserving of less great than you, it just means that their weird is different from your weird. Everyone should do what works for them, HINT: THIS IS WHAT WORKS FOR US. A LOT.)
Closely related, communication is so great. And there is NOT a wrong way to communicate! If someone is all "blee-bloo, never ask this kind of question in a note" forget their sorry ass. You ask questions and have conversations in whatever communication method works best for you! Fucking invest in interpretive dance if that's how you and a person "speak" best. The only bad kind of communication is no communication.6
Gender and Sexual Identity can change over time. You are an asexual, bisexual,7 cis8 female person. I am an allosexual, awesomesexual, genderneutral/genderqueer/non-binary FAAB9 person. We are the same person, and that is okay. We're pretty good about not feeling weird about it, keep that up.
Dudes are every bit as creepy as you think they are, and worse. It never really changes. Despite this, you'll probably always find it slightly easier to make dude-friends than lady-friends (you'll figure out part of why in like 2011 or so). Despite this, lots of dudes are awesome. Despite this, you can find healthy relationships with people who respect you. But seriously, the good ones will understand if you wanna scream with fury and fear about the patriarchy.
Maybe start researching intersectionality now?
Can we go back to that part where "it is not your problem if they need you"? It's nice to be wanted, but man, there are comfortable limits and people will slam right over them. You're a Good Girl, you just wanna make people happy, but do not kill yourself to do it. Other people's mental problems are NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Not even if they're your partner.
(Help them if you can --you are kind and you are a Herald and I'd warp more than just time if I convinced you not to be-- but remember that the primary difficulties rest in their brain. If someone (you know, hypothetically) gets angry at you because you choose to go to college somewhere other than where they live and then they have trouble sleeping while you're away, it's so very not your goddamn fault they can't sleep. Encourage them to go to therapy, encourage them to research sleep meds, encourage them to talk to their doctor, but oh hey, you can't actually solve this problem because it has nothing to do with you and it's not your fault. If they're trying to make it your fault, it's because they are wrong.)
Keep reading everything you can about sex and sexuality and gender. Eventually, you will add dance and kink to that mental classification, and this is a good thing. You are really cool and interesting and I would be pretty stoked to have a friend as weird and passionate as you are.
As much love as you need,
Katarina Whimsy, known also as Sorcyress, and sometimes as [also redacted].
MOOP!
PostScript: I know you're not gonna be legally old enough to go into the sorts of shops where you could get one for a while still, and you don't have anyone who's the right selection of traits to do it for you, but seriously _get thee a vibrator as soon as possible_. They are, certifiably, The Best.
1: This may be because the term wasn't coined yet, but it's more likely because you're 15. I am writing this from a work computer, so I'm not gonna go googling the etymology just now.
2: This is not true, for a lot of reasons, but the best other naming was "little girl", and if you haven't realized your own toxic connection to that phrase, you will soon. It's not all bad, keep it in your life. Be mindful of when you call yourself by it, and how true it is (or more likely isn't.)
3: Your mother is an absolute treasure, and even when she is being the most boring stick-in-the-mud overbearing parent in the world, know that you are luckier than all your friends. You are Other, but it doesn't matter because she loves you just the same.
4: I continue the thread that your mother is the greatest, and probably the biggest reason why this letter is skipping all the bullshit mechanics parts. Mom already taught you all that, because she is on top of shit. And not judgemental towards you.
5: ...Maybe I should repeat that one again too. Too telling of the current me's issues? Yeeeah.
6: I'm sure there are people and instances in which I have "overshared". I don't care. I have enough trouble opening my soul, I refuse to give my past self advice that makes it harder.
7: Okay, yes, awesomesexual.
8: "Not trans"
9: "Female Assigned At Birth"