sorcyress | Mama Nature is my Goddess

For nearly as long as I can remember, I've worshiped nature. By third or fourth grade, I had figured out the power of sunshine, of wind, of storms. In sixth grade, I would have discussions with Mother Nature as I walked to the bus stop, analyze her clothing and her appearance as it shifted with the weather. High school and I would retreat to my tree as shelter against any insecurity.

Now it's college, and none of it has stopped. Mama Nature is in charge of me, she is one of the few concepts in the world who are allowed full reign to hurt me, to push me farther than I can go, to make me suffer. She's been my mistress for longer than I've had a concept of BDSM, and as I've gotten older and more savvy to my faith, she's become a way to pray¹ and an answer to questions.

The reason I use tarot cards sometimes, the reason I think they work for me, is because I look at the pretty pictures, I remember my associations, --yonic and phallic, religion and confrontation-- and I decide all by myself what they probably mean. What I need them to mean. It works because the back of my mind is always humming with everything that is not quite right, and when I have to interpret what's going on through my life through some silly little pictures, it gives me a little bit of clarity to what I'm actually thinking, and what I actually need.

I've started to use Nature the same way. I like a broad spectrum of sensation and intensity, and nature can certainly provide all that. Sometimes, and that's a crucial word, sometimes. Sometimes all I want is a calm walk home, cloudy enough I don't have difficulty seeing, warm enough and cool enough that I'm not uncomfortable. And depending on my mood, on the subconscious thoughts, what weather I must endure can either be a sign that I am doing things right, and she is pleased or that I am doing things entirely wrong, and she is angry. It's the same as the tarot --I've nothing to do with the weather, but my interpretation leads it to answer questions.

Just sometimes not the questions I wanted answered.

At any rate, I rode my bike to school today, on the assumption that the weather was nice and would be getting nicer as the day passed. It was my very first biking-to-internship attempt, and it went more or less splendid --four miles, a little under half an hour, and I didn't have to push myself unreasonably hard. To a certain extent, I'm still working on communicating proper with Mama Nature when on my bicycle --it's not being inside human barriers like buildings or cars, but it still changes the shape of the world and my place in it. I think she's okay with it though. I know she likes that I can see the stars.

At any rate, it's snowing now. Pretty impressively. It's not sticking in Watertown, but JB posted a picture of his driveway in Somerville which was very covered. Snow is a thing we generally agree on as a good sign --I like snow, a lot-- but I find myself stealing constant glances out the window, wondering if it's stopped yet.

Of course, I'm still indoors. I haven't ventured out into it, I haven't seen what happens when I try to ride through the snow. Maybe it'll be awesome and I'll enjoy myself. Maybe it will be the most fucking awful thing ever, like that one rainstorm Blaise and I were caught in.

All I know is that Mama Nature's trying to send me a message. We'll see if I come any closer to figuring it out.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: What, you didn't think that little rhyme I say to the stars each night was just a way to get *wishes* did you? It's a prayer. It's clearly a prayer --sometimes it's a petty prayer, but more often than not, it's a request to find the strength I need, the focus I need, the control and security and stability that I need.