(no subject)

[sorcyress]

I have three months and fifteen days to figure out what I am going to say to S.J. Tucker, to thank her for her song "Go Away, Godboy" which is a song that can ground me out of a panic attack and bring me back to normal, and a song that so desires to be played on eleven that I will break out the headphones and hearing damage, because my computer's speakers do not get loud enough and I need to drown myself in music and this is the only choice.

I can have all the time in the world, and I will never be able to figure out what I am going to say to Vienna Teng, to thank her for "Whatever You Want", which is a song that can pull me out of a panic attack because for all it seems to be about weakness and subservience and fear, it really is a song about saying Fuck That Shit because you are so very much stronger than that, and damaged does not mean broken and they can try and keep you down, but you're through with that shit and just don't want to hide anymore.

I have not ever before prayed with music, hands clasped, eyes shut, head turned up to the heavens where all the goddesses and gods, mine own and others, rest and watch and give us what we need to help ourselves get out of the holes we dig. There is incredible power in music, this I knew already, but never before have I harnessed it for such a cause as protection, and strength, and providing a shield against the insecurities I knew were wrong, but turned on me with tainted lips and words and things that are not meant to be used against me, no, not even by them. And then they were gone.

I am the last one you'd ever suspect of setting the fires.

And yes, Sor. That was unbelievably scary, all the more so because what you say to yourself is true. But you will notice that you sit here, still alive, and in one piece. There may be words scrawled down your arm, harsh and dark and painful, but there is a word scrawled across all the others, covering them from first view, and that last word is strength, and yes. You survived, because you are strong, and because you survive, and that is what you do.

Another day I'll cry again, and another I'll once more panic --crying that won't stop or be blocked or solved by Gabe or Alis, or give me any ability to get someone who will help, and if it seems they're to stumble on me accidentally, crying that will cease and leave me breathing normal, begging the surrounding world to leave me be without knowing that this happens. And when that happens, and I play pretend and I sob and my whole body shakes with fear and doubt and insecurity and self-loathing, well, I will know that I survived this before, and will survive it again. Scars may last forever, but with time they fade, and become merely stories.

I don't particularly care to leave comments turned on, but I truly do dislike turning them off. I never wish sympathy for fear, because it does not help, and while the lie is appreciated, it will not be better tomorrow. It will just be different. So choose words wisely, and know that silence can be appreciated just as strongly as *hugs*.

~Lady Sorcyress, de MOOP!

Comments

[yagathai.livejournal.com]

You could just email Sooj. She's very nice, you know. And short. Very short.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I may very well do that too. But I figure, I hang out with the sorts of people who will be hanging out with her at Arisia. It's pretty much a given that our paths will cross.

~Sor

[benet.livejournal.com]

I'm probably removing the last vestiges of doubt that I'm a cranky old rivethead, but I'm guessing this isn't a cover of "Take It Outside Godboy" by Foetus?

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

Nope. Godboy shooing in action (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oKZd7YGuxo) with Sooj.

[benet.livejournal.com]

Ah, well, my hopes for a Grand Alliance of folk and industrial are dashed once again! Will listen to actual track when I get home.

Um, it's not one of those "all Christians are awful people, remember the Burning Times!" pagan songs, is it? Not that there's not some understandable anger there, I'm just not always in possession of the spoons to deal with it.

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

No, it's a 'this guy is stalking my friend and insisting that she should be a Christian' song.

As far as I've experienced Sooj is quite tolerant of the religions of others, but not if you stalk her friends and try to apply your religion to them.

[benet.livejournal.com]

Well, I mean, this is certainly fair.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

There is definitely pagan anger towards Christians, but like Merav said, it's very much of the "this particular Christian boy is being really really pushy about religion despite requests to stop it" anger.

~Sor

[harena.livejournal.com]

And yet i attract your ire by insisting on hugging anyway since it is the urge that rises up in me not so much from sympathy as empathy for i live with terror screaming inside of me for much of every day and granted there are moments where the ADD ferret is able to be distracted away from that fear & be happy or poingy or whatever, the fear tends to be the undercurrent most of the time. And yes, i am strong too 'cause i'm still here and will most likely continue to still be here which tends to aggravate the fear but for me, it is always nice to know that there are people i can turn to because without them, i would truly be Lost.

*goes away now*

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Eh. I'll live with the hugs, babe. *smiles*

~Sor

[mogwit.livejournal.com]

I am so glad that you have found the solace and safety you needed.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

~Sor

[lordrefa.livejournal.com]

I disagree.

It will be better tomorrow.
It will not be all better, but it will be better.
And, Sor, it will keep getting better. Maybe not every single day, literally -- but measurably on average it will get better.

And eventually your problems that seem to overwhelm you, the same way you laugh at 14!Sor and her problems; you'll do the same when you look back on yourself in another 5 or 10 years.

And you'll have a whole new set of problems by then.
But it will be better.
*holds you closely*

[paradoox.livejournal.com]

Well said.

Also, with time we develop more coping mechanisms. Something that would throw you for a loop at 21, seems almost trivial at 31 or 41 or 51 ... (sigh) once you have dealt with it or something similar several times.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Mmmm, thank you. *hugs*

It is often better tomorrow, and I think I was still in a little bit of a shaky place when writing the original post to say that it would merely be different.

And yeah. 14!Sor is a bit of a moron. I've no reason to believe that 20!Sor is anything but as well.

~Sor

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

*silence, loudly*

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

*purrs*

[tirerim.livejournal.com]

Only in silence the word,
only in dark the light,
only in dying life:
bright the hawk's flight
on the empty sky.

And oh, yes, music has power, especially in prayer.

[miriampenguin.livejournal.com]

Unrelated (probably), but I figure you might be interested:
On the C.L.: Are You Ready to Start a Body Image Revolution? Oh, Wait—You Already Did! (http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/just-dreaming/articleglamour.aspx?cp-documentid=21997158&gt1=32002)

Especially check out the link for "The woman on page 194".

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I like! Thank you.

~Sor