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Jan. 15th, 2006 09:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressWhy am I here?
No wait, I've had that one answered for me. Heptadecagram gave me an answer the last time I asked that and it's really just...stuck.
I'm here because I haven't commited suicide yet. Which, although a totally lame and bad option, is still an option. 1
But why am I here, in this dusky grade mood-scape with softly shattered dreams floating past? I know where here is -here is Elsewhere, my true mental corner of the world, where I receed into dreams and half-done thoughts. Only it's quiter then usual, more melencholy.
I'm unsure how I arrived here -by all rights, I should be happy right now. There is no school tomorrow, I am mostly ready for my exams, and I stayed up far too late last night hanging out in the 42pub. Plus, I was just off rollar skating. And even the minor hurts from falling shouldn't bring my mood down this far.
But I'm not happy. I'm quiet, and fair melencholy. I'm unsure of what I want right now, save to be curled up in someones arms...
...perhaps that's it. I'm going off of who I strive to be, an independent woman who doesn't need anyone but herself. But I get lonely, and right now it's hitting harder then usual -Kat's not on, I haven't seen my girlfriend in nearly a month, and Eric was merely teasing when he said he'd come over.
I am unsure I should have written that line.
But how am I lonely? Not an hour ago, Veronica, KT, Rohan. Even Lilly and Dan, who I get some pleasure out of. And I know you cringe to hear it Veronica, but especially Dan. We've always gotten along, it's interesting to watch him grow up. He's a good kid, a smart one, with a good outlook on life -especially girls. Keep him.
I was surrounded by people. I got to rollarblade, to dance, to sing badly. All excellent things to do, and helpful to my mood. I even got a slurpee -always a nice treat. But still, I feel lonely now.
Perhaps because the people I was surrounded by were not the right ones?
I miss Blue terribly, it's been a teasing dance with her, I see her words, typed on a screen, and I laugh, enjoy her silliness and her quirks. But I don't see her, and I do not get to see her. When can I? Next weekend's out -I'm gone the whole time skiing. And this week? Don't make me laugh -midterms! I have things to do, people to be, and my good girlfriend persona can't make it onto the list.
Someone told me, three or four months ago, that if it was a serious relationship, we would make the time and put fourth the effort to see each other. The words bit, at the time, they still do. But I don't think they're true. Sometimes, there is just not the ability to be with each other, not between her homophobic mother, and my myrid responsibilities. Curse this life of mine! Would it just wither away, and leave me to chase my dreams in peace.
A day from now, no more then two, I will look at this prose and laugh. I will be in a different mood then, a different Elsewhere, and I will taunt the silly girl who writes these words and likes the way they sound. And I do like the way they sound. I like the flow, and the choice. It comes of being melencholy, adopt the proper additude and you are suddenly a brilliant poet.
Although I could never write poems.
No. I could. He forced me into it. Forced me with his own sweet brilliance, made me want to respond, to be clever, and cute, and win his love. But it was never mine to win.
You just went as friends, ha! Theres a laugh if ever I heard one. You were together then, as you are now, and...and I don't object. The sting is gone, it returns sometimes to taunt me, but I can brush it off. It no longer hurts to see you two together, and I am glad of that fact.
And I am happy because you two are happy, and thats the way life should be.
This does not belong here. I'm opening again -peeking out from behind my walls. This whole dream, this twisting flow of words belongs in the secret place where I keep such things. Secret -ha! The Behind the Walls file is not secret. It's just not anyone elses to read.
And oddly, it isn't mine anymore either. I've grown up since then -it's no longer written by me. It was a different me, from a different place in time, with her own sets of worries and cheers -the most major of which was that aforementioned sting, and all the pleasure that came before it. Now I've got my own pleasure -her name is Blue, and I love her dearly. But she's never been immortalized -I've stopped keeping diarys. She only exists in this feeble excuse of a journal, no where else.
Oddly enough, I think she's the first time that's ever happened to me. Rohan had the diary, Fish, Dmitri's screen. Sashi, Behind the Walls. Drummer Dude existed in chat logs -happy graduation dear. You make me smile, that mess especially. As did, I believe Paul. For the most part anyways. And That Boy, who, rather unfortunately, still sets my heart a'twitter. Well, he exists Elsewhere for the most part.
But then again, they all visit there. Far too many stories have been written in Elsewhere, all of them wonderful. It comes of having an overactive imagination.
Blue exists outside of them all. She is in Elsewhere too, don't get me wrong, but she exists more firmly in reality then anyone else. Perhaps because she has so many issues, so many problems merely by my loving her. I feel almost guilty, in a way. I've made her mother cry. I hate making people cry, it's an awful thought. But I cannot say I feel the woman doesn't deserve it.
But perhaps she's so solidly in reality is because she is so solidly my First. And you never forget your First, thats what all the stories say. Unless, of course, you doublethink them out of existence. *laughs bitterly* Thats a story for another time though.
She is my First significant other. My first girlfriend, the first time I've ever been smart enough to say everything right. To not be stupid, and use e-mail, or letters.
Of course, I did learn my lesson. Contempt stings harshest from one you try to please, and oh was there ever contempt in that voice. So letters are bad. You ask...more oft then not with good reason. And this time, at least, I wasn't turned down.
So maybe that’s it. She exists in reality, because I asked her in reality. How odd. Then by that same token, does OKat not exist because I've never met her? It's possible -PenguinAdam is all a terrible hoax after all, and she could somehow be playing the same kind on me. But somehow I know she exists. And someday, I will be able to prove that. I'm just not fortunate enough to know 'when' yet...
And so I look back at my pathways. I've gone full-circle, OKat is one of the ones who would be hurt the most, and round to the fact that she's one of the ones that exists the most as well. There's something special about clones, it's like a First. Inexplicably different, but still there.
And odd to think -if the circumstances were different, we would very well be dating by now. It's certainly plausible -she's a long hair freak, a complete fangirl, and portrays herself as not giving a shit what anyone else thinks, all excellent qualities in a potential mate. But to even suggest the thing now causes laughter -you don't date your sister, and a clone is even closer then that.
So here I am, at the end of this melancholy road. I've left a trail of prose, to find my way home, but it turns out I don't need it. I know Elsewhere so well at this point that I know exactly where I am -I've left Melancholy and am crossing the soft grass of Quiet. Joy is just over there, in those trees, and I think that would be a good place to go to sleep.
So goodnight everyone. Safe dreams, sweet sleep. And if necessary, always know to bite the bedbugs back.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I'm not going to. Don't stress. I've got too many people who would be too badly hurt. And yes, sometimes that is the only thing that chases that kind of thoughts away, when She lurks stronger and Gabriel is banished. Call it an inflated sense of worth, but there are a lot of you who I'd hurt by killing myself, and I really can't cause that sort of pain.
P.S: And always, if you're too lazy to e-mail, one can leave comments and delete them. I'll still recieve them. It's throwing the ball into my court -fun, isn't it?
No wait, I've had that one answered for me. Heptadecagram gave me an answer the last time I asked that and it's really just...stuck.
I'm here because I haven't commited suicide yet. Which, although a totally lame and bad option, is still an option. 1
But why am I here, in this dusky grade mood-scape with softly shattered dreams floating past? I know where here is -here is Elsewhere, my true mental corner of the world, where I receed into dreams and half-done thoughts. Only it's quiter then usual, more melencholy.
I'm unsure how I arrived here -by all rights, I should be happy right now. There is no school tomorrow, I am mostly ready for my exams, and I stayed up far too late last night hanging out in the 42pub. Plus, I was just off rollar skating. And even the minor hurts from falling shouldn't bring my mood down this far.
But I'm not happy. I'm quiet, and fair melencholy. I'm unsure of what I want right now, save to be curled up in someones arms...
...perhaps that's it. I'm going off of who I strive to be, an independent woman who doesn't need anyone but herself. But I get lonely, and right now it's hitting harder then usual -Kat's not on, I haven't seen my girlfriend in nearly a month, and Eric was merely teasing when he said he'd come over.
I am unsure I should have written that line.
But how am I lonely? Not an hour ago, Veronica, KT, Rohan. Even Lilly and Dan, who I get some pleasure out of. And I know you cringe to hear it Veronica, but especially Dan. We've always gotten along, it's interesting to watch him grow up. He's a good kid, a smart one, with a good outlook on life -especially girls. Keep him.
I was surrounded by people. I got to rollarblade, to dance, to sing badly. All excellent things to do, and helpful to my mood. I even got a slurpee -always a nice treat. But still, I feel lonely now.
Perhaps because the people I was surrounded by were not the right ones?
I miss Blue terribly, it's been a teasing dance with her, I see her words, typed on a screen, and I laugh, enjoy her silliness and her quirks. But I don't see her, and I do not get to see her. When can I? Next weekend's out -I'm gone the whole time skiing. And this week? Don't make me laugh -midterms! I have things to do, people to be, and my good girlfriend persona can't make it onto the list.
Someone told me, three or four months ago, that if it was a serious relationship, we would make the time and put fourth the effort to see each other. The words bit, at the time, they still do. But I don't think they're true. Sometimes, there is just not the ability to be with each other, not between her homophobic mother, and my myrid responsibilities. Curse this life of mine! Would it just wither away, and leave me to chase my dreams in peace.
A day from now, no more then two, I will look at this prose and laugh. I will be in a different mood then, a different Elsewhere, and I will taunt the silly girl who writes these words and likes the way they sound. And I do like the way they sound. I like the flow, and the choice. It comes of being melencholy, adopt the proper additude and you are suddenly a brilliant poet.
Although I could never write poems.
No. I could. He forced me into it. Forced me with his own sweet brilliance, made me want to respond, to be clever, and cute, and win his love. But it was never mine to win.
You just went as friends, ha! Theres a laugh if ever I heard one. You were together then, as you are now, and...and I don't object. The sting is gone, it returns sometimes to taunt me, but I can brush it off. It no longer hurts to see you two together, and I am glad of that fact.
And I am happy because you two are happy, and thats the way life should be.
This does not belong here. I'm opening again -peeking out from behind my walls. This whole dream, this twisting flow of words belongs in the secret place where I keep such things. Secret -ha! The Behind the Walls file is not secret. It's just not anyone elses to read.
And oddly, it isn't mine anymore either. I've grown up since then -it's no longer written by me. It was a different me, from a different place in time, with her own sets of worries and cheers -the most major of which was that aforementioned sting, and all the pleasure that came before it. Now I've got my own pleasure -her name is Blue, and I love her dearly. But she's never been immortalized -I've stopped keeping diarys. She only exists in this feeble excuse of a journal, no where else.
Oddly enough, I think she's the first time that's ever happened to me. Rohan had the diary, Fish, Dmitri's screen. Sashi, Behind the Walls. Drummer Dude existed in chat logs -happy graduation dear. You make me smile, that mess especially. As did, I believe Paul. For the most part anyways. And That Boy, who, rather unfortunately, still sets my heart a'twitter. Well, he exists Elsewhere for the most part.
But then again, they all visit there. Far too many stories have been written in Elsewhere, all of them wonderful. It comes of having an overactive imagination.
Blue exists outside of them all. She is in Elsewhere too, don't get me wrong, but she exists more firmly in reality then anyone else. Perhaps because she has so many issues, so many problems merely by my loving her. I feel almost guilty, in a way. I've made her mother cry. I hate making people cry, it's an awful thought. But I cannot say I feel the woman doesn't deserve it.
But perhaps she's so solidly in reality is because she is so solidly my First. And you never forget your First, thats what all the stories say. Unless, of course, you doublethink them out of existence. *laughs bitterly* Thats a story for another time though.
She is my First significant other. My first girlfriend, the first time I've ever been smart enough to say everything right. To not be stupid, and use e-mail, or letters.
Of course, I did learn my lesson. Contempt stings harshest from one you try to please, and oh was there ever contempt in that voice. So letters are bad. You ask...more oft then not with good reason. And this time, at least, I wasn't turned down.
So maybe that’s it. She exists in reality, because I asked her in reality. How odd. Then by that same token, does OKat not exist because I've never met her? It's possible -PenguinAdam is all a terrible hoax after all, and she could somehow be playing the same kind on me. But somehow I know she exists. And someday, I will be able to prove that. I'm just not fortunate enough to know 'when' yet...
And so I look back at my pathways. I've gone full-circle, OKat is one of the ones who would be hurt the most, and round to the fact that she's one of the ones that exists the most as well. There's something special about clones, it's like a First. Inexplicably different, but still there.
And odd to think -if the circumstances were different, we would very well be dating by now. It's certainly plausible -she's a long hair freak, a complete fangirl, and portrays herself as not giving a shit what anyone else thinks, all excellent qualities in a potential mate. But to even suggest the thing now causes laughter -you don't date your sister, and a clone is even closer then that.
So here I am, at the end of this melancholy road. I've left a trail of prose, to find my way home, but it turns out I don't need it. I know Elsewhere so well at this point that I know exactly where I am -I've left Melancholy and am crossing the soft grass of Quiet. Joy is just over there, in those trees, and I think that would be a good place to go to sleep.
So goodnight everyone. Safe dreams, sweet sleep. And if necessary, always know to bite the bedbugs back.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I'm not going to. Don't stress. I've got too many people who would be too badly hurt. And yes, sometimes that is the only thing that chases that kind of thoughts away, when She lurks stronger and Gabriel is banished. Call it an inflated sense of worth, but there are a lot of you who I'd hurt by killing myself, and I really can't cause that sort of pain.
P.S: And always, if you're too lazy to e-mail, one can leave comments and delete them. I'll still recieve them. It's throwing the ball into my court -fun, isn't it?
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no subject
on 2006-01-16 03:09 pm (UTC)All I can do is try my best to get her and Blue together when possible and be there when she needs a hug the rest of the time.
Werewulf
(Sorcy's Mom)
no subject
on 2006-01-16 09:24 pm (UTC)And it's mum. Mum. With a u.
no subject
on 2006-01-16 09:26 pm (UTC)That is, in fact, true. She just doesn't accept it, choosing for some bizarre reason to go by 'mom'
~Sor
no subject
on 2006-01-17 02:55 am (UTC)Hugs and Howls...
... and my goal in life is to be half as cool a Mom as MY mom was. Unfortunately Sor and her sibs never got to know her so they have NO idea what I'm trying to live up to.