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Jan. 15th, 2006 09:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressWhy am I here?
No wait, I've had that one answered for me. Heptadecagram gave me an answer the last time I asked that and it's really just...stuck.
I'm here because I haven't commited suicide yet. Which, although a totally lame and bad option, is still an option. 1
But why am I here, in this dusky grade mood-scape with softly shattered dreams floating past? I know where here is -here is Elsewhere, my true mental corner of the world, where I receed into dreams and half-done thoughts. Only it's quiter then usual, more melencholy.
I'm unsure how I arrived here -by all rights, I should be happy right now. There is no school tomorrow, I am mostly ready for my exams, and I stayed up far too late last night hanging out in the 42pub. Plus, I was just off rollar skating. And even the minor hurts from falling shouldn't bring my mood down this far.
But I'm not happy. I'm quiet, and fair melencholy. I'm unsure of what I want right now, save to be curled up in someones arms...
...perhaps that's it. I'm going off of who I strive to be, an independent woman who doesn't need anyone but herself. But I get lonely, and right now it's hitting harder then usual -Kat's not on, I haven't seen my girlfriend in nearly a month, and Eric was merely teasing when he said he'd come over.
I am unsure I should have written that line.
But how am I lonely? Not an hour ago, Veronica, KT, Rohan. Even Lilly and Dan, who I get some pleasure out of. And I know you cringe to hear it Veronica, but especially Dan. We've always gotten along, it's interesting to watch him grow up. He's a good kid, a smart one, with a good outlook on life -especially girls. Keep him.
I was surrounded by people. I got to rollarblade, to dance, to sing badly. All excellent things to do, and helpful to my mood. I even got a slurpee -always a nice treat. But still, I feel lonely now.
Perhaps because the people I was surrounded by were not the right ones?
I miss Blue terribly, it's been a teasing dance with her, I see her words, typed on a screen, and I laugh, enjoy her silliness and her quirks. But I don't see her, and I do not get to see her. When can I? Next weekend's out -I'm gone the whole time skiing. And this week? Don't make me laugh -midterms! I have things to do, people to be, and my good girlfriend persona can't make it onto the list.
Someone told me, three or four months ago, that if it was a serious relationship, we would make the time and put fourth the effort to see each other. The words bit, at the time, they still do. But I don't think they're true. Sometimes, there is just not the ability to be with each other, not between her homophobic mother, and my myrid responsibilities. Curse this life of mine! Would it just wither away, and leave me to chase my dreams in peace.
A day from now, no more then two, I will look at this prose and laugh. I will be in a different mood then, a different Elsewhere, and I will taunt the silly girl who writes these words and likes the way they sound. And I do like the way they sound. I like the flow, and the choice. It comes of being melencholy, adopt the proper additude and you are suddenly a brilliant poet.
Although I could never write poems.
No. I could. He forced me into it. Forced me with his own sweet brilliance, made me want to respond, to be clever, and cute, and win his love. But it was never mine to win.
You just went as friends, ha! Theres a laugh if ever I heard one. You were together then, as you are now, and...and I don't object. The sting is gone, it returns sometimes to taunt me, but I can brush it off. It no longer hurts to see you two together, and I am glad of that fact.
And I am happy because you two are happy, and thats the way life should be.
This does not belong here. I'm opening again -peeking out from behind my walls. This whole dream, this twisting flow of words belongs in the secret place where I keep such things. Secret -ha! The Behind the Walls file is not secret. It's just not anyone elses to read.
And oddly, it isn't mine anymore either. I've grown up since then -it's no longer written by me. It was a different me, from a different place in time, with her own sets of worries and cheers -the most major of which was that aforementioned sting, and all the pleasure that came before it. Now I've got my own pleasure -her name is Blue, and I love her dearly. But she's never been immortalized -I've stopped keeping diarys. She only exists in this feeble excuse of a journal, no where else.
Oddly enough, I think she's the first time that's ever happened to me. Rohan had the diary, Fish, Dmitri's screen. Sashi, Behind the Walls. Drummer Dude existed in chat logs -happy graduation dear. You make me smile, that mess especially. As did, I believe Paul. For the most part anyways. And That Boy, who, rather unfortunately, still sets my heart a'twitter. Well, he exists Elsewhere for the most part.
But then again, they all visit there. Far too many stories have been written in Elsewhere, all of them wonderful. It comes of having an overactive imagination.
Blue exists outside of them all. She is in Elsewhere too, don't get me wrong, but she exists more firmly in reality then anyone else. Perhaps because she has so many issues, so many problems merely by my loving her. I feel almost guilty, in a way. I've made her mother cry. I hate making people cry, it's an awful thought. But I cannot say I feel the woman doesn't deserve it.
But perhaps she's so solidly in reality is because she is so solidly my First. And you never forget your First, thats what all the stories say. Unless, of course, you doublethink them out of existence. *laughs bitterly* Thats a story for another time though.
She is my First significant other. My first girlfriend, the first time I've ever been smart enough to say everything right. To not be stupid, and use e-mail, or letters.
Of course, I did learn my lesson. Contempt stings harshest from one you try to please, and oh was there ever contempt in that voice. So letters are bad. You ask...more oft then not with good reason. And this time, at least, I wasn't turned down.
So maybe that’s it. She exists in reality, because I asked her in reality. How odd. Then by that same token, does OKat not exist because I've never met her? It's possible -PenguinAdam is all a terrible hoax after all, and she could somehow be playing the same kind on me. But somehow I know she exists. And someday, I will be able to prove that. I'm just not fortunate enough to know 'when' yet...
And so I look back at my pathways. I've gone full-circle, OKat is one of the ones who would be hurt the most, and round to the fact that she's one of the ones that exists the most as well. There's something special about clones, it's like a First. Inexplicably different, but still there.
And odd to think -if the circumstances were different, we would very well be dating by now. It's certainly plausible -she's a long hair freak, a complete fangirl, and portrays herself as not giving a shit what anyone else thinks, all excellent qualities in a potential mate. But to even suggest the thing now causes laughter -you don't date your sister, and a clone is even closer then that.
So here I am, at the end of this melancholy road. I've left a trail of prose, to find my way home, but it turns out I don't need it. I know Elsewhere so well at this point that I know exactly where I am -I've left Melancholy and am crossing the soft grass of Quiet. Joy is just over there, in those trees, and I think that would be a good place to go to sleep.
So goodnight everyone. Safe dreams, sweet sleep. And if necessary, always know to bite the bedbugs back.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I'm not going to. Don't stress. I've got too many people who would be too badly hurt. And yes, sometimes that is the only thing that chases that kind of thoughts away, when She lurks stronger and Gabriel is banished. Call it an inflated sense of worth, but there are a lot of you who I'd hurt by killing myself, and I really can't cause that sort of pain.
P.S: And always, if you're too lazy to e-mail, one can leave comments and delete them. I'll still recieve them. It's throwing the ball into my court -fun, isn't it?
No wait, I've had that one answered for me. Heptadecagram gave me an answer the last time I asked that and it's really just...stuck.
I'm here because I haven't commited suicide yet. Which, although a totally lame and bad option, is still an option. 1
But why am I here, in this dusky grade mood-scape with softly shattered dreams floating past? I know where here is -here is Elsewhere, my true mental corner of the world, where I receed into dreams and half-done thoughts. Only it's quiter then usual, more melencholy.
I'm unsure how I arrived here -by all rights, I should be happy right now. There is no school tomorrow, I am mostly ready for my exams, and I stayed up far too late last night hanging out in the 42pub. Plus, I was just off rollar skating. And even the minor hurts from falling shouldn't bring my mood down this far.
But I'm not happy. I'm quiet, and fair melencholy. I'm unsure of what I want right now, save to be curled up in someones arms...
...perhaps that's it. I'm going off of who I strive to be, an independent woman who doesn't need anyone but herself. But I get lonely, and right now it's hitting harder then usual -Kat's not on, I haven't seen my girlfriend in nearly a month, and Eric was merely teasing when he said he'd come over.
I am unsure I should have written that line.
But how am I lonely? Not an hour ago, Veronica, KT, Rohan. Even Lilly and Dan, who I get some pleasure out of. And I know you cringe to hear it Veronica, but especially Dan. We've always gotten along, it's interesting to watch him grow up. He's a good kid, a smart one, with a good outlook on life -especially girls. Keep him.
I was surrounded by people. I got to rollarblade, to dance, to sing badly. All excellent things to do, and helpful to my mood. I even got a slurpee -always a nice treat. But still, I feel lonely now.
Perhaps because the people I was surrounded by were not the right ones?
I miss Blue terribly, it's been a teasing dance with her, I see her words, typed on a screen, and I laugh, enjoy her silliness and her quirks. But I don't see her, and I do not get to see her. When can I? Next weekend's out -I'm gone the whole time skiing. And this week? Don't make me laugh -midterms! I have things to do, people to be, and my good girlfriend persona can't make it onto the list.
Someone told me, three or four months ago, that if it was a serious relationship, we would make the time and put fourth the effort to see each other. The words bit, at the time, they still do. But I don't think they're true. Sometimes, there is just not the ability to be with each other, not between her homophobic mother, and my myrid responsibilities. Curse this life of mine! Would it just wither away, and leave me to chase my dreams in peace.
A day from now, no more then two, I will look at this prose and laugh. I will be in a different mood then, a different Elsewhere, and I will taunt the silly girl who writes these words and likes the way they sound. And I do like the way they sound. I like the flow, and the choice. It comes of being melencholy, adopt the proper additude and you are suddenly a brilliant poet.
Although I could never write poems.
No. I could. He forced me into it. Forced me with his own sweet brilliance, made me want to respond, to be clever, and cute, and win his love. But it was never mine to win.
You just went as friends, ha! Theres a laugh if ever I heard one. You were together then, as you are now, and...and I don't object. The sting is gone, it returns sometimes to taunt me, but I can brush it off. It no longer hurts to see you two together, and I am glad of that fact.
And I am happy because you two are happy, and thats the way life should be.
This does not belong here. I'm opening again -peeking out from behind my walls. This whole dream, this twisting flow of words belongs in the secret place where I keep such things. Secret -ha! The Behind the Walls file is not secret. It's just not anyone elses to read.
And oddly, it isn't mine anymore either. I've grown up since then -it's no longer written by me. It was a different me, from a different place in time, with her own sets of worries and cheers -the most major of which was that aforementioned sting, and all the pleasure that came before it. Now I've got my own pleasure -her name is Blue, and I love her dearly. But she's never been immortalized -I've stopped keeping diarys. She only exists in this feeble excuse of a journal, no where else.
Oddly enough, I think she's the first time that's ever happened to me. Rohan had the diary, Fish, Dmitri's screen. Sashi, Behind the Walls. Drummer Dude existed in chat logs -happy graduation dear. You make me smile, that mess especially. As did, I believe Paul. For the most part anyways. And That Boy, who, rather unfortunately, still sets my heart a'twitter. Well, he exists Elsewhere for the most part.
But then again, they all visit there. Far too many stories have been written in Elsewhere, all of them wonderful. It comes of having an overactive imagination.
Blue exists outside of them all. She is in Elsewhere too, don't get me wrong, but she exists more firmly in reality then anyone else. Perhaps because she has so many issues, so many problems merely by my loving her. I feel almost guilty, in a way. I've made her mother cry. I hate making people cry, it's an awful thought. But I cannot say I feel the woman doesn't deserve it.
But perhaps she's so solidly in reality is because she is so solidly my First. And you never forget your First, thats what all the stories say. Unless, of course, you doublethink them out of existence. *laughs bitterly* Thats a story for another time though.
She is my First significant other. My first girlfriend, the first time I've ever been smart enough to say everything right. To not be stupid, and use e-mail, or letters.
Of course, I did learn my lesson. Contempt stings harshest from one you try to please, and oh was there ever contempt in that voice. So letters are bad. You ask...more oft then not with good reason. And this time, at least, I wasn't turned down.
So maybe that’s it. She exists in reality, because I asked her in reality. How odd. Then by that same token, does OKat not exist because I've never met her? It's possible -PenguinAdam is all a terrible hoax after all, and she could somehow be playing the same kind on me. But somehow I know she exists. And someday, I will be able to prove that. I'm just not fortunate enough to know 'when' yet...
And so I look back at my pathways. I've gone full-circle, OKat is one of the ones who would be hurt the most, and round to the fact that she's one of the ones that exists the most as well. There's something special about clones, it's like a First. Inexplicably different, but still there.
And odd to think -if the circumstances were different, we would very well be dating by now. It's certainly plausible -she's a long hair freak, a complete fangirl, and portrays herself as not giving a shit what anyone else thinks, all excellent qualities in a potential mate. But to even suggest the thing now causes laughter -you don't date your sister, and a clone is even closer then that.
So here I am, at the end of this melancholy road. I've left a trail of prose, to find my way home, but it turns out I don't need it. I know Elsewhere so well at this point that I know exactly where I am -I've left Melancholy and am crossing the soft grass of Quiet. Joy is just over there, in those trees, and I think that would be a good place to go to sleep.
So goodnight everyone. Safe dreams, sweet sleep. And if necessary, always know to bite the bedbugs back.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I'm not going to. Don't stress. I've got too many people who would be too badly hurt. And yes, sometimes that is the only thing that chases that kind of thoughts away, when She lurks stronger and Gabriel is banished. Call it an inflated sense of worth, but there are a lot of you who I'd hurt by killing myself, and I really can't cause that sort of pain.
P.S: And always, if you're too lazy to e-mail, one can leave comments and delete them. I'll still recieve them. It's throwing the ball into my court -fun, isn't it?
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no subject
on 2006-01-16 03:58 am (UTC)no subject
on 2006-01-16 07:02 pm (UTC)You don't NEED a girlfriend to be happy. This has been proven. Thats the most important one.
There is no such thing as instant attention when you write something like this. However, if you e-mail me, I generally respond.
I have no other advice at the moment...
~Sor
no subject
on 2006-01-16 04:00 am (UTC)Melancholy is not necessarily a bad thing, and slowing down and looking at your life can often bring it on. But as you say, in another few days you'll be in another space, so don't make the mistake of thinking this is all there is. Let it happen and let it go. Don't let it talk you into something you'll regret later.
I don't know if it helps or not to tell you that I still get jealous sometimes. I still relive all those angry awful moments of every past relationship, all the "what I should have said"s, all the insecurities. They still bite, just not as often or as deep. Nowadays when I feel melancholy it's usually because of Koob, because there are such huge unknowns there. I am sad that he can't call me Mommy, that he doesn't even have a sign for that. That there are so many things I can't share with him because he won't understand or isn't interested. That if I die tomorrow I have no idea what will become of him. He's happy, so I cling to that, and I know there are lots of people (you included) who love him and want the best for him and will be there for him. But even though wishing things were different doesn't help me get done what needs to get done, I still wish.
Hugs to you, and hang in there.
no subject
on 2006-01-16 04:03 am (UTC)On the other hand, you're a fair slice more optimistic than I ever was. Anyhow, I know the lonely bit all too well. And the not-suicide bits, too.
If I may so offer, hugs are available, whenever.
Good luck with it. It will all work out, somehow. Eventually.
no subject
on 2006-01-16 04:25 am (UTC)Sometimes the world does manage to mess up seeing people you want to. I don't quite agree with what the above person told you about finding the time. When you can't find the time you wait and do what you have to and when you are together again it was worth the wait.
And I don't have your email address so's I can't email you. :-)
no subject
on 2006-01-16 04:39 am (UTC)You always love your first. You speak truth, there.
no subject
on 2006-01-16 02:04 pm (UTC)Heh. It happens sometimes.
~Sor
no subject
on 2006-01-16 06:21 am (UTC)Sometimes, the loneliest place to be is when you're surrounded by friends but you feel like you are inside a plastic bubble through which no real emotion can penetrate. You hear their laughter, but you can't truly join in, if you know what I mean. And it doesn't pass until it passes and when it does, it really does feel like an irksome memory ("What the heck was up with they way I was thinking last night? Glad that's over. On to the next thing....")
I think life is made up of individual moments (and our awareness of them) all strung in a row and some of those moments are the ones when we stop and look inside and take stock. And in that moment between breaths the big questions show up and tap us on the shoulder and we have to sit with them awhile. And then we take the next breath and we move on but we take a little of that wisdom with us.
I send you big hugs.
no subject
on 2006-01-16 07:03 pm (UTC)And eloquent? *blushes* Thank you.
~Sor
no subject
on 2006-01-16 08:43 am (UTC)*ahem*
Well, I haven't got your email, so it looks like my hand is forced, hmm?
Point the first: do some writing, get published. I have no idea what the market is like over there, but if it's anything like it is over here, it's full the brim with angsty emo kids writing suicide notes, intellectuals who think that using words of greater than three syllables makes them smart, and people who think they're poets just because they can rhyme. I know poets, they make far less sense than that. Harvest that angst, bundle it up into story, get it peer-reviewed, and send it off.
Now I'm going to ramble through your piece and comment where necessary, trying not to let my inner cynic come to the fore. I'm blaming the massive amount of space I'm using in your comments space on you, because I can. I probably won't say anything new, but if we were to say something new every time we opened our mouths, no one would talk.
I have to congratulate you on keeping and maintaining a long-distance relationship. I've seen several fail. Actually, it wasn't as much a relationship as stalking. But the point remains. Maintaining a relationship when one of you has a homophobic mother, and being..what...16? Not old enough to have a job and your own place? That's brave. Or foolish. Since the two seem only separated by success, I can't say which yet. Anyway, good luck. And remember, you still have all the time in the world. You're young (yeah, I'm only three years less young. Shutup. I'm setting a scene here, creating an atmosphere, yknow?).
OK, now the single guy is gonna stop talking about relationships. Just as general ego-boosting: why can't I have more people like you in New Zealand instead of all the worthless rejects we got over here? Seriously, if you ever need somewhere liberal (we have civil unions!) and out-of-the-way to elope to, consider here. You've got a good head on your shoulders....most of the time. You'll do alright, I should think.
Also: for music to fit, I recommend Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings, or Ravel's Pavane Pour Une Infante Defunte.
Live a life you like. Don't let others choose for you. And never trust religion.
Now I'm getting out of here. The serious in the air's making me pensive.
no subject
on 2006-01-16 03:09 pm (UTC)All I can do is try my best to get her and Blue together when possible and be there when she needs a hug the rest of the time.
Werewulf
(Sorcy's Mom)
no subject
on 2006-01-16 09:24 pm (UTC)And it's mum. Mum. With a u.
no subject
on 2006-01-16 09:26 pm (UTC)That is, in fact, true. She just doesn't accept it, choosing for some bizarre reason to go by 'mom'
~Sor
no subject
on 2006-01-17 02:55 am (UTC)Hugs and Howls...
... and my goal in life is to be half as cool a Mom as MY mom was. Unfortunately Sor and her sibs never got to know her so they have NO idea what I'm trying to live up to.
no subject
on 2006-01-16 07:09 pm (UTC)Just as general ego-boosting: why can't I have more people like you in New Zealand instead of all the worthless rejects we got over here? *blushes furiously*
Possibly the same reason I can't have more primarily asexual cynics who love british humour instead of far too horny IDIOTS.
I probably spelled at least four words wrong in there...
I haven't heard either of those. I shall have to investigate...
Ta! Go get some fresh air.
~Sor
no subject
on 2006-01-16 09:30 pm (UTC)The Narahtian rules were a set of rules posted quite some time ago by
...Now that you mention it, yes, I do want to change my last name to Ørbit. Now I must write thankyou letters and go to see the dentist.
no subject
on 2006-01-16 05:59 pm (UTC)if you ever need anything e-mail me, IM me or call. (ill give you my cell # later) id be glad to talk to you to give you a lift.
*hugs*
-mell
no subject
on 2006-01-16 11:08 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2006-01-19 04:43 am (UTC)** My invective is mostly joking. There is a slight tinge of actual "hurt feeling-ness-ness-ness".
* SOR! SOR SOR SOR SOR SOR SOR!
no subject
on 2006-01-20 12:19 am (UTC)And computers don't mix with that so well.
~Sor