(no subject)
Jul. 6th, 2020 10:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressSo, something I do sometimes, when I post stuff that is weird or emotional or sad or bad, is explicitly mention as part of the post that I am not going to hurt myself, that I am not in any risk, that even when things are weird and bad and I kinda want to not exist anymore, I don't actually experience suicidal ideation and I certainly don't want to die.
(Given that I am immortal, and have been for over a decade now, I have no intentions of dying. If, through some horrific trauma of being shot with a gun, hit by a car, or murdered by a cop I do die, please feel free to politicize my death as much as possible in order to create much stricter laws (and in the first and third cases, the eventual elimination of) around guns, cars, and cops. Also, consider it imperative to not misgender me and correct people who do misgender me, because otherwise I will come haunt your ass.)
But here's a thing I've been steadily ignoring, because my brain is great at not thinking about shit it wants to ignore: harming myself through inaction is a feasible and plausible thing, and technically it's even sorta covered by my "not gonna harm myself comment. It's not _hurting_ myself to forget to eat all day and then stay up way too late and sleep like shit. It's not _hurting_ myself to stay inside for a week at a time and never again see the sun. It's not _hurting_ myself to read three hours straight of Twitter bullshit. You know. technically.
And I mean, realistically I do try to keep track of all these irritating self-care tasks that you simply cannot hyperfocus on. I'm not setting out to intentionally harm myself by spending all afternoon reading longform stories about true crime and not eating or whatever. But it does happen sometimes, due to combinations of various Mental Bullshit, not the least of which is ADHD which really does not like constraining it to anyone's schedule.
(That hyperfocus comment is not a joke, it is a frustrating limitation of my brain. Things like grading, or filing papers, or reading comics are things I can do in great big chunks, and then abandon for a few weeks and let them generate more work. Sure, they're all things that it would be *nice* to do a small amount each day, but if I don't, it doesn't really matter. You can't like...take a three hour shower and be set for the next few weeks. You can't eat ten thousand calories and be good for several days. Many self-care tasks absolutely _must_ be regular maintenance tasks and not things you can feast-or-famine and it _sucks_ for how my brain does the world.)
So I am wondering if maybe the thing I need to shift and do is to start thinking of it like the first law of Robotics. The Sorcyress will not harm a self, nor allow a self to come to harm through inaction. Yes Asimov stinks, but it's an important loophole to sew shut, this idea that as long as I'm not literally causing physical wounds to my body, I am not hurting myself.
Today's been a hell-zone day, if that's not shockingly obvious. At this point I'm just sorta staying awake long enough to go to bed at a time that doesn't totally weird my sleep schedule. And yes, I ate a food and drank a water and I showered this morning and it's too late to go outside for the sun but I'ma plan to do that tomorrow. I'm doing the best I can, and I really don't want interference today unless you're actively living with me --save the affection and the nagging for later this week please.
I hope you're using this pandemic to figure out every fucking thing that is wrong with your brain, and attempt to set up trauma-based care around them.
~Sor
MOOP!
(Given that I am immortal, and have been for over a decade now, I have no intentions of dying. If, through some horrific trauma of being shot with a gun, hit by a car, or murdered by a cop I do die, please feel free to politicize my death as much as possible in order to create much stricter laws (and in the first and third cases, the eventual elimination of) around guns, cars, and cops. Also, consider it imperative to not misgender me and correct people who do misgender me, because otherwise I will come haunt your ass.)
But here's a thing I've been steadily ignoring, because my brain is great at not thinking about shit it wants to ignore: harming myself through inaction is a feasible and plausible thing, and technically it's even sorta covered by my "not gonna harm myself comment. It's not _hurting_ myself to forget to eat all day and then stay up way too late and sleep like shit. It's not _hurting_ myself to stay inside for a week at a time and never again see the sun. It's not _hurting_ myself to read three hours straight of Twitter bullshit. You know. technically.
And I mean, realistically I do try to keep track of all these irritating self-care tasks that you simply cannot hyperfocus on. I'm not setting out to intentionally harm myself by spending all afternoon reading longform stories about true crime and not eating or whatever. But it does happen sometimes, due to combinations of various Mental Bullshit, not the least of which is ADHD which really does not like constraining it to anyone's schedule.
(That hyperfocus comment is not a joke, it is a frustrating limitation of my brain. Things like grading, or filing papers, or reading comics are things I can do in great big chunks, and then abandon for a few weeks and let them generate more work. Sure, they're all things that it would be *nice* to do a small amount each day, but if I don't, it doesn't really matter. You can't like...take a three hour shower and be set for the next few weeks. You can't eat ten thousand calories and be good for several days. Many self-care tasks absolutely _must_ be regular maintenance tasks and not things you can feast-or-famine and it _sucks_ for how my brain does the world.)
So I am wondering if maybe the thing I need to shift and do is to start thinking of it like the first law of Robotics. The Sorcyress will not harm a self, nor allow a self to come to harm through inaction. Yes Asimov stinks, but it's an important loophole to sew shut, this idea that as long as I'm not literally causing physical wounds to my body, I am not hurting myself.
Today's been a hell-zone day, if that's not shockingly obvious. At this point I'm just sorta staying awake long enough to go to bed at a time that doesn't totally weird my sleep schedule. And yes, I ate a food and drank a water and I showered this morning and it's too late to go outside for the sun but I'ma plan to do that tomorrow. I'm doing the best I can, and I really don't want interference today unless you're actively living with me --save the affection and the nagging for later this week please.
I hope you're using this pandemic to figure out every fucking thing that is wrong with your brain, and attempt to set up trauma-based care around them.
~Sor
MOOP!
no subject
on 2020-07-07 04:12 am (UTC)I like your Laws of Robotics formulation a lot. Good luck with the actual struggle. <3
no subject
on 2020-07-07 06:20 am (UTC)I quite like the mental image of hyperfocusing clothing! "Alright, I've managed to put on twenty-eight t-shirts! That's good for the month!"
no subject
on 2020-07-07 01:42 pm (UTC)This reminds me of conversation from a video game:
Previously Immortal Being: "My stomach feels peculiar."
Friend of PIB: "Did you forget to eat again?"
PIB: "No! In fact, I got all of my eating for today out of the way at once!"
Friend: "...I don't think it works like that."
PIB: " Being mortal is complicated."
I hope you're using this pandemic to figure out every fucking thing that is wrong with your brain, and attempt to set up trauma-based care around them.
That is an excellent hope. Thank you! To you as well!
no subject
on 2020-07-07 02:24 pm (UTC)And yes, I have been thinking this a lot, lately.
no subject
on 2020-07-13 06:08 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2020-07-07 02:35 pm (UTC)This. This was me last week. There was a lot of "reading books, eating junk, sleeping like crap." Now, admittedly, it was a nice little mental break, but it wasn't good for me. :-p
no subject
on 2020-07-13 06:10 pm (UTC)And honestly, the worst part for me is that it usually *isn't* a nice mental break. Like, it's what I want to be doing in the immediate moment, but not actually solving problems or creating good (be that through cleaning, or self-maintenance, or actual creative work) is not actually great for me, I think.
I wish I was better at balancing the rest and the work, because I'm not and so it all feels rubbish sometimes.
no subject
on 2020-07-07 08:43 pm (UTC)I've frequently wished I could eat like a snake. Please let me eat one giant feast and then be good till next week. Alas, human bodies and their limitations.
Hope you're doing okay and figuring out ways to fight your brain and be good to yourself when necessary.
no subject
on 2020-07-13 06:07 pm (UTC)I miss you! I'm sorry that things have been haaaaaard, because jeeze, things are so fucking hard and it sucks for us all.
I've been buying lunchables lately when they've been on sale, and okay, on the one hand they don't actually objectively taste that good and they're horrible for the environment, but _wow_ has it been valuable for me to have calories that I can basically always brain enough to eat. Lots of granola bars this week for the same reason. I hope you can find similar stuff to kibble on. <3
~Sor
no subject
on 2020-07-13 07:04 pm (UTC)lentils or chickpeas in sauce, or packets of rice, that can be microwaved
and eaten in a minute or two.
I'm eating fairly regularly most days but food remains one of the banes of
my existence because my dad is sick and one of his biggest symptoms is a
partial blockage of his esophagus. I moved out there 2 months ago to help,
but... now I have to feed a whole family instead of just me, and one person
has a body that's very finicky about what food he can actually tolerate and
get down. (The crying episode was a night everyone else had eaten
leftovers and left me alone because they knew I had a work deadline the
next day.)
Miss you too. I've been feeling awfully isolated out here, but a couple
friends came over last night for socially distant outdoor dinner and a
movie, the first visit from friends I've had since March. That helped.
Hope you're holding up okay! <3