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Dec. 29th, 2018 03:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressOh god, it's after two in the morning, oh _god_. I still need to write my words. D:
*but* I'm wired because I've actually been sleeping enough (*amazing* what consistent eight hours instead of six does for me HINT HINT YOU IDIOT) and also because we just got out of a very long and also very satisfying game of Agricola. I actually filled my entire farmstead, which pretty much never happens, and *almost* got away with no negatives (which absolutely never happens) *and* I managed to throw together my stone house at the last minute, which was completely unexpected. I was the first (and really only) person to get five family members, as of like round *ten*, and I had forgotten how completely glorious it is to revel in endless actions at the end of the game there.
So I'm feeling pretty happy!
The last few days at home have been very nice! I have gotten Absolutely Nothing done, except helping out around the homestead in a big way --I feel like I've been doing a lot of "woman's work", and I actually don't mind this in the slightest, as it turns out, especially since both mum and da are taking on hosting duties and helping out. Also, I got to go grocery shopping, which is always a big plus.
The grocery store visit today was especially fun because I was in *full-on* weird mode. Lots of dancing, actively skipping instead of walking, making faces and funny noises...it felt really good and really glorious and yyyyyyeah, I got a few stares. I'm pretty good at ignoring them --mostly, I long ago found that a) self-knowledge is a fantastic defense (if I know I'm weird and call myself it first, you can't use it to hurt me) and b) I have a *rock-solid* sense of self, and I'm pretty aware of when I'm not being "normal" and I largely understand when I should and shouldn't care. A random grocery store in a state I don't live? Let them stare, I never have to interact with them again.
I'm a pretty great person, which is a fascinating sentence, because I am a worthless piece-of-shit mess. You should feel lucky to be friends with me, but also oh god, why would you even bother?
My brain is pretty trash and I should fix it sometime. I have a vague notion that one of the first steps there is "stop actively calling my brain a shit-heap-trash-mess" but like...millennial humour. And also, sometimes the bad words are an accurate way to describe a part of my body that Does Not Work Properly. I will always continue to twitch when people twitter1 about how their ADHD is a superpower and they receive such magical benefits from it and *wow!* because oh god, your lived experience is not my lived experience (but your lived experience is okay). As it turns out, I do in fact think about my disability as a disability.
(Interestingly, this is one of the first times I feel I've actively and specifically called it a "disability" though. I don't think I think of myself as disabled most of the time, even though yeah, rejection-sensitive dysphoria and a complete lack of executive functioning are, in fact, clearly signs of a disability that normal people don't have to deal with2.
This may somehow be in the same category of mental block as the fact that I don't think of myself as trans. Although I did say today "yeah, you've got TWO trans kids now" to mom, and that felt...okay coming off the tongue? A little weird? I don't know. The opposite of cis is trans, and I'm definitely not cis, but....??)
ANYways, this was going to be a relatively normal "what's life like right now" update post, but took a sudden fascinating twist into tearing up because why can't I just be normal goddamnit. Or, of course I don't mean normal, I'm too weird for that (and always have been) but *functional*. I should really do some active research on Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria, because I was reminded again that it exists and maybe if I bring it to my therapist, we could start talking out strategies and I can...not...do that as much.
I hope your brains are well, whether they work as expected or no. Regardless, you're still valuable stop twitching Sor, I am absolutely talking to you too. You still exist and matter and I think that's wonderful.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: The actual verb, not the social media site, although I suppose such twittering could occur on Twitter.
2: It is endlessly fascinating interacting with Austin who is, I'm pretty sure, neurotypical. Like...so many of the important people in my life are or have been some kind of neuro-a, and just...look, he actually sends mail within a day or two of saying "I should send this". He makes real food multiple times a week. It's _so weird_ watching him interact with the world because his brain actually works and I'm so jealous of it.
It doesn't stab him in the heart and shatter his soul to be bad at things, and I'd...trade a lot3 for the ability to have a proportional response to perceived failure.
3: This originally said kill, but I work very very hard to not put promises in writing that I'm not willing to keep.
*but* I'm wired because I've actually been sleeping enough (*amazing* what consistent eight hours instead of six does for me HINT HINT YOU IDIOT) and also because we just got out of a very long and also very satisfying game of Agricola. I actually filled my entire farmstead, which pretty much never happens, and *almost* got away with no negatives (which absolutely never happens) *and* I managed to throw together my stone house at the last minute, which was completely unexpected. I was the first (and really only) person to get five family members, as of like round *ten*, and I had forgotten how completely glorious it is to revel in endless actions at the end of the game there.
So I'm feeling pretty happy!
The last few days at home have been very nice! I have gotten Absolutely Nothing done, except helping out around the homestead in a big way --I feel like I've been doing a lot of "woman's work", and I actually don't mind this in the slightest, as it turns out, especially since both mum and da are taking on hosting duties and helping out. Also, I got to go grocery shopping, which is always a big plus.
The grocery store visit today was especially fun because I was in *full-on* weird mode. Lots of dancing, actively skipping instead of walking, making faces and funny noises...it felt really good and really glorious and yyyyyyeah, I got a few stares. I'm pretty good at ignoring them --mostly, I long ago found that a) self-knowledge is a fantastic defense (if I know I'm weird and call myself it first, you can't use it to hurt me) and b) I have a *rock-solid* sense of self, and I'm pretty aware of when I'm not being "normal" and I largely understand when I should and shouldn't care. A random grocery store in a state I don't live? Let them stare, I never have to interact with them again.
I'm a pretty great person, which is a fascinating sentence, because I am a worthless piece-of-shit mess. You should feel lucky to be friends with me, but also oh god, why would you even bother?
My brain is pretty trash and I should fix it sometime. I have a vague notion that one of the first steps there is "stop actively calling my brain a shit-heap-trash-mess" but like...millennial humour. And also, sometimes the bad words are an accurate way to describe a part of my body that Does Not Work Properly. I will always continue to twitch when people twitter1 about how their ADHD is a superpower and they receive such magical benefits from it and *wow!* because oh god, your lived experience is not my lived experience (but your lived experience is okay). As it turns out, I do in fact think about my disability as a disability.
(Interestingly, this is one of the first times I feel I've actively and specifically called it a "disability" though. I don't think I think of myself as disabled most of the time, even though yeah, rejection-sensitive dysphoria and a complete lack of executive functioning are, in fact, clearly signs of a disability that normal people don't have to deal with2.
This may somehow be in the same category of mental block as the fact that I don't think of myself as trans. Although I did say today "yeah, you've got TWO trans kids now" to mom, and that felt...okay coming off the tongue? A little weird? I don't know. The opposite of cis is trans, and I'm definitely not cis, but....??)
ANYways, this was going to be a relatively normal "what's life like right now" update post, but took a sudden fascinating twist into tearing up because why can't I just be normal goddamnit. Or, of course I don't mean normal, I'm too weird for that (and always have been) but *functional*. I should really do some active research on Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria, because I was reminded again that it exists and maybe if I bring it to my therapist, we could start talking out strategies and I can...not...do that as much.
I hope your brains are well, whether they work as expected or no. Regardless, you're still valuable stop twitching Sor, I am absolutely talking to you too. You still exist and matter and I think that's wonderful.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: The actual verb, not the social media site, although I suppose such twittering could occur on Twitter.
2: It is endlessly fascinating interacting with Austin who is, I'm pretty sure, neurotypical. Like...so many of the important people in my life are or have been some kind of neuro-a, and just...look, he actually sends mail within a day or two of saying "I should send this". He makes real food multiple times a week. It's _so weird_ watching him interact with the world because his brain actually works and I'm so jealous of it.
It doesn't stab him in the heart and shatter his soul to be bad at things, and I'd...trade a lot3 for the ability to have a proportional response to perceived failure.
3: This originally said kill, but I work very very hard to not put promises in writing that I'm not willing to keep.
no subject
on 2018-12-29 01:44 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2018-12-31 04:25 am (UTC)It occurs to me that this is one thousand percent my problem with bells, and I don't like that, I am dead scared of knowing the things that are wrong with me other than "I am a failure" because I've put a lot of work into this worldview, I don't want to change it. :/
~Sor
no subject
on 2018-12-31 04:32 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2019-01-02 05:50 pm (UTC)Yesssssss. Words are magic and sometimes people look at you funny for avoiding the common idioms but when the alternative is saying things you don't mean and being potentially held to them, yeah I'll take the funny looks.
(okay yeah, I DEFINITELY internalized too much in the way of Rules Of Faerie as a kid)