[therapy] angry anniversaries
Feb. 22nd, 2015 10:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressTrigger warning: Emotional and sexual abuse.
I just want to get through one fucking anniversary without remembering.
One hour and thirty four fucking minutes, I was so close.
It was like my fucking unconscious was just lying in wait to ruin me, I broke thirty minutes ago, but it was just a regular trigger break, just being hungry and suddenly overwhelmed that I endured1 this terrible awful thing and that it hasn't fully gone away and it will never fully go away.
And that's when my charming brain pipes up. Because fuck having nice things to celebrate today. Fuck the birthdays of people I care about, fuck good anniversaries2, I don't get to have that. February twenty-second is the day that I got together with my fucking awful abusive rapist boyfriend.
And I was only 94 minutes away from forgetting that fact.
I don't think I can be kind to myself today.
***
1: Words are intentional. The Kat who came out of it is very different from the Kat who went in. She's older, and in many ways better, but...
some days I don't think I can say I survived.
2: one of my closest friends is five years cancer free today. yay.
I just want to get through one fucking anniversary without remembering.
One hour and thirty four fucking minutes, I was so close.
It was like my fucking unconscious was just lying in wait to ruin me, I broke thirty minutes ago, but it was just a regular trigger break, just being hungry and suddenly overwhelmed that I endured1 this terrible awful thing and that it hasn't fully gone away and it will never fully go away.
And that's when my charming brain pipes up. Because fuck having nice things to celebrate today. Fuck the birthdays of people I care about, fuck good anniversaries2, I don't get to have that. February twenty-second is the day that I got together with my fucking awful abusive rapist boyfriend.
And I was only 94 minutes away from forgetting that fact.
I don't think I can be kind to myself today.
***
1: Words are intentional. The Kat who came out of it is very different from the Kat who went in. She's older, and in many ways better, but...
some days I don't think I can say I survived.
2: one of my closest friends is five years cancer free today. yay.