(no subject)

[sorcyress]

...and there is a separate happiness too, quiet and special. Because I faced down one of my triggers, and forced away "but this is how it was" with "but I trust them" and didn't have to talk about it because I could keep it from wrecking me.

My trust was not ill-placed, and I am one half-step closer to being Kat/Sor/Erik/Self than to being "that person who was raped", and it feels wondrous.

~Sor
MOOP

(Postscript: Which is to say, I still have triggers, and still talk about them when they come up, and I've kinda gotten to a point where not just can you not [euphemistically] sleep with me without my telling you, you can't really know me well as a person without my telling you. It is important to me that people not be able to say they don't know anyone who.

But I am getting to a point where some of the triggers that come out not explicit in sex are things that can be said, where I can [non-euphemistically] sleep with someone and not have to turn they time immediately beforehand into an Exhausting Conversation of "please don't" and "I am broken", and it's a kind of casual freedom that I have been jealous of other people for.

Rather similar, as it turns out, to the jealousy I occasionally feel about the fact that I don't really do traditional PIV intercourse, and it makes random hook-ups all the more difficult because I can't perform them within the societally traditional narrative. I mean, realistically, I wouldn't want to have a random hook-up with someone I couldn't have conversation and Conversation with, so being able to negotiate an acceptable plan for an evening is really a non-negotiable compatibility trait, but still.

Every once in a while, my brain does wonder "why be happy when I could be normal", and it is a thing to bear in mind. I am incredibly proud and happy and satisfied with the life I have created around myself, but I have intentionally also created a life that is difficult, and I have been created as a self that demands perfection, and sometimes it feels like it would be so much easier to just follow societal dictates and not have any difficulty at all. But no, that's not me.)

(Second Postscript: Go write porn!)

Comments

[harena]

I have words for this one too, but they are stuck inside my sinus-infected head, so I will just hgugle here too. Because Yes. *hgugles*

[sorcyress]

Thank you Har. <3

~Sor

[turnberryknkn.livejournal.com]

Wishing you strength.