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Jan. 10th, 2008 10:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressI need to get over the two biggest hurdles that are keeping me from talking to people when I'm depressed and need to feel better.
1) That they will think I am a waste of time. This is such a bullshit thing to be afraid of, but it's the really really big one, that keeps me from dialing those ten digits or sending that e-mail or ranting on IM or walking the six houses over to their house, and it's SO STUPID of me to be so affected by it, but it damn near cripples my ability to get help effectively.
Seriously. You know the phrase "call me anytime" that people make, and ocassionally even mean? This is what keeps me from doing it. The fear that I'll inturrupt them or be boring or waste their time. I have dialed numbers and hesitated at hitting the talk button, trying to run through all the possible scenerios in my mind. Very nearly every time, I will not actually call anyone, because I don't want to inturrupt them, and because I don't want to bring their mood down --if they are happy, why would they want to waste their time trying to make me less upset?
2) That they will think less of me for admitting weakness and that it is proof that I am not strong enough to function normally.
Really, more the second part of that than the first. Anyone who reads this livejournal knows that I'm not as strong as I pretend to be, but I'm only just starting to realize just how much I HATE depending on other people, for anything. This includes making me feel better about myself --I tend to feel that I should be fully able to make myself get un-fucked-up, regardless of what got me to the fucked up state in the first place.
Although I had an interesting realization a moment ago. If external forces are what got me to be messed up in the first place, then why on earth shouldn't I be able to accept external forces to get me out of being messed up again?
Handy equations:
A positive Sorcy is equal to the task of neutrilizing one badplace.
A positive External Force is greater than a positive Sorcy
-Sorcy = Badplace
-Sorcy (+ Sorcy) = Badplace (+ Sorcy)
Neutral = Neutral
Good situation!
-Sorcy - External Forces = badplace2
-Sorcy - External Forces (+ Sorcy) = badplace2 (+ Sorcy)
-External Forces = badplace
Bad situation
BUT!
-External Forces = badplace
-External Forces (+ External Forces) = badplace (+ External Forces)
Neutral = Better than neutral
Really good situation!
...............
I am the biggest dork I have ever met in my entire life. Except I still haven't solved Liam's problem, so I'm clearly not. Damn my epicfail abilities at geometry.
Uhm. Yeah. I...like algebra?
*flees!*
~Sor
MOOP!
(For those worried about me, the fact that I'm fleeing ought to be hint enough that I'm in a somewhat playful and silly mood. Yep. Much love to you cool people.)
1) That they will think I am a waste of time. This is such a bullshit thing to be afraid of, but it's the really really big one, that keeps me from dialing those ten digits or sending that e-mail or ranting on IM or walking the six houses over to their house, and it's SO STUPID of me to be so affected by it, but it damn near cripples my ability to get help effectively.
Seriously. You know the phrase "call me anytime" that people make, and ocassionally even mean? This is what keeps me from doing it. The fear that I'll inturrupt them or be boring or waste their time. I have dialed numbers and hesitated at hitting the talk button, trying to run through all the possible scenerios in my mind. Very nearly every time, I will not actually call anyone, because I don't want to inturrupt them, and because I don't want to bring their mood down --if they are happy, why would they want to waste their time trying to make me less upset?
2) That they will think less of me for admitting weakness and that it is proof that I am not strong enough to function normally.
Really, more the second part of that than the first. Anyone who reads this livejournal knows that I'm not as strong as I pretend to be, but I'm only just starting to realize just how much I HATE depending on other people, for anything. This includes making me feel better about myself --I tend to feel that I should be fully able to make myself get un-fucked-up, regardless of what got me to the fucked up state in the first place.
Although I had an interesting realization a moment ago. If external forces are what got me to be messed up in the first place, then why on earth shouldn't I be able to accept external forces to get me out of being messed up again?
Handy equations:
A positive Sorcy is equal to the task of neutrilizing one badplace.
A positive External Force is greater than a positive Sorcy
-Sorcy = Badplace
-Sorcy (+ Sorcy) = Badplace (+ Sorcy)
Neutral = Neutral
Good situation!
-Sorcy - External Forces = badplace2
-Sorcy - External Forces (+ Sorcy) = badplace2 (+ Sorcy)
-External Forces = badplace
Bad situation
BUT!
-External Forces = badplace
-External Forces (+ External Forces) = badplace (+ External Forces)
Neutral = Better than neutral
Really good situation!
...............
I am the biggest dork I have ever met in my entire life. Except I still haven't solved Liam's problem, so I'm clearly not. Damn my epicfail abilities at geometry.
Uhm. Yeah. I...like algebra?
*flees!*
~Sor
MOOP!
(For those worried about me, the fact that I'm fleeing ought to be hint enough that I'm in a somewhat playful and silly mood. Yep. Much love to you cool people.)