(no subject)

[sorcyress]

It's interesting that, for the first time in my life, my real life friends are tending to have a better idea of what's going on with me than my livejournal friends.

Also, I just had an interesting realization --there is a huge advantage to knowing me in real life. Because, for all my talk about masks, and my constant constant attempts to wear them, I'm pretty fucking transparent. You can tell when I'm upset, I look all rubbishy and start crying.

I can't mask myself as cleanly as I can with the internet. And that scares the crap out of me, mostly.

Because deep down?

I like being caught. I like it when people see me and know something's wrong and force me to talk or hold me or let me hug them desperately, digging my nails into their shirt¹, or just let me know that I'm not really as alone as I feel, that there are people who care.

So thanks you guys.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Make a fist. Now take a shirt and make a fist with the shirt in your hand. That's what I do when I'm crying, it's a way of digging my nails into my palms only not really, since Al won't let me *actually* do that. I do it with myself if I have to, and often with other people --kinda a way of showing that I don't want them to let go just yet.

Comments

[soupwiththefork.livejournal.com]

Al's a good one for not letting you do that, I've lost a few shirts to the "please don't let go" hug. I love them.

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Yeah, she is. This is why I don't mind being crazy...my crazy keeps me sane.

(For reference, Alis lives in my head. She...accomplishes things from there, so I suppose it works.)

~Sor

[soupwiththefork.livejournal.com]

Ahh gotcha! I have one of those, their name is DUX.

[harena.livejournal.com]

I like being caught. I like it when people see me and know something's wrong and force me to talk or hold me or let me hug them desperately, digging my nails into their shirt, or just let me know that I'm not really as alone as I feel, that there are people who care.

Oh me too, meeee tooo...

And i do. Totally. i have discovered that i don't know how not to. Care. That is.

From afar...

[(Anonymous)]

Being able to talk to and see people in real life is always more meaningful. Unfortunately, we aren't all in Boston, so don't necessarily have a way to see you. I know I would if I could, but there is no easy way for me to do so. I'm sure that holds true for many of the others too. I can't take my friend's pains and problems for them, though I often wish I could.

Also, I'm not sure this is the first time your real life friends have known your life better than your LiveJournal friends. It's just that there is quite a pit of overlap between the two. There have always been things you haven't posted to your LJ, for whatever reason. You may have thought it insignificant, uninteresting, or not posted due to other reasons. In a similar vein, you are the only person who has been present for everything you have related.

Re: From afar...

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

Mm, there's overlap, and there's always been overlap, but I tend to keep the big stuff kinda secret from all but the people I trust most. Often, though of course not always, the people I am most willing to trust with deeper parts of my soul are people who I know primarily online --the disconnect between them and reality is enough to make me feel safer sharing.

I totally feel you on the taking people's pains thing. All we can really do is offer a shoulder to cry on and a ear to talk to, and hope that we can do enough.

As for the not being in Boston thing...sometime next year, kill a weekend and come visit! I've no idea how I'd entertain you yet (other than dragging you to Monday night SCD if I could, since I think you might enjoy it) but it'd be fun and stuff.

Also, thank you for letting me know who you were, since I find it very vaguely annoying when I get completely anonymous comments.

~Sor