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Apr. 18th, 2008 12:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressSo, I get killer insecure sometimes. Or a lot of the times. Regardless, it's just a part of my nature, and it's one of those parts that really quite bothers me.
I suspect a great deal of it is proximity. Sure, you guys say that I'm so fabulous, but you don't see everything. You don't see me when I'm desperately failing to clean my room, or when I'm being incurably ditzy, or when I'm being shameless. You might see one, but not all of them, and not all the other little things that irritate me about myself.
One way I deal with negative emotions is writing. Well, to be entirely accurate, one way I deal with everything is by writing --someone remind me sometime to type up the drabble I wrote right after I first bought mydangerouslyshort skirt. But the other major way that I deal with problems --especially passive agressive rage, which I get a lot of around my younger siblings (*grin*)-- is to distract myself.
Usually by cleaning. Okay, *usually* by solitaire. But when I'm being useful, by putting on loud, singy, music, and cleaning or organizing or putting things away or something of the sort.
Unfortunately, I don't actually succeed in doing that as often as I'd like. So, feeling a general emotional low coming on, I decided to do both my primary and secondary cope methods at once --write and do something productive while listening to loud music.
This is apparently a log of that writing, and can't possibly be very interesting. The productive thing is cleaning out the pit in my closet and putting away all my laundry.
***
Oh wow. Look Sorcy, other people's lives are spiraling out of control, and you can't do anything about it.
Nothing.
Maybe if you stopped caring about them--
No.
No?
No.
No what. No, their lives aren't spiraling out of control? No, you *can* do something...?
No, I will not stop caring.
Ah. Silly of you.
Yeah, fuck you too.
Goodness. Such language.
Mm.
Why isn't your room clean yet?
Why do I sense that, regardless of what I answer, you'll hear some variant on 'because I'm an irresponsible fuck up', which you will then twist around and throw into my face?
Because you are getting very clever. Or evil, perhaps. Perhaps one day you will be as malicious and cold and cruel as I!
...Yeah, perhaps. Or maybe my knowledge of how to be a horrible person helps me better to become a good one.
Your logic makes no sense.
No, it does. If I know what to avoid...
Yes, but you never do, now do you?
...What do you mean?
Do I need to spell it out? You know full well what you need to do to be a good person. You need to spend more time with your friends. You need to study more and harder. You need to not procrastinate. You need to spend less time in fantasy and more in reality. You need to stop bullshitting around. You need to stop teasing him and him and perhaps her, and figure out what you're doing with him and her. And him.
While I appreciate you not naming names, that's a few more pronouns than I'll remember in a year.
Write it down.
...You're being uncommonly helpful.
Nervous?
Yes.
I'm always helpful
Only when it comes to suicide ideas and hatelists. And impossible situations.
Impossible situations? Moi?
Oh don't bullshit me. 'Gee Kat, your friend is hurt! You should've known in time to go and make it all better with your magical pixie dust that you pull out of your butt each night before you sleep! And because you didn't, you're a Bad Person'
Perhaps I'm just unfamilier with how this sort of thing works, but not helping a friend certainly feels like a Bad Person thing to me.
...How could I have known? It's not like she called me or anything.
It's not like you had your phone close at hand if she did.
...You bitch.
Took you long enough to resort to name calling, now didn't it?
Screw you.
Oh, I love this. You know I'm right, so you're fighting back in *the* most childish way imaginable, with useless threats and name calling. God, control is delicious
You don't *control* me. You don't even have a name.
'Course I do. Call me ***.
Oh fuck no, that is *not* your name. That name is not for you to say.
Is that why you blocked it out? Kept the rest of them from hearing?
Maybe. Maybe it's just that the name I heard isn't something that can be accurately transcribed into words.
How pretentious. College student bullshit answers to something so much simpler.
Indeed. Imagine that, a college student giving a college level analysis. How...startling.
*gasp!* Why, Katarina, you wound me! How dare you fight back!
You love it when I fight back. It gives you more power, more ammo to throw at you.
*giggles* Of course!
Oh, look at that. She signed off. Still depressed. Still hurt and lonely and broken. You didn't help her at all, I wonder why that is...?
I was, perhaps, a bit distracted.
Well, you shouldn't be.
No, I shouldn't. Get out of here.
You think it's that easy to remove me when I've latched into you? Sorcyress, I'm not *like* that. You need louder music, and better reaffirmation that you're a good person. *checks your chats* The latter of which it really doesn't appear you're going to get tonight.
Mm. Never know. I've got good friends.
Yes, which explains why you've talked so often with him and with her of late.
More pronouns. My, but this is getting confusing.
And there's no point in masking Tho's name like that. He'll just badger me to know the next time we're both online, bless him. And I will, of course, tell him, because that's what you do with friends. You trust.
Oh, how sweet! I think a tear entered the corner of my eye there...
You're capable of crying? I am truly shocked.
*rolls eyes* I'll let you know should it ever *actually* happen.
I'm sure you will. For now, I need to go sort laundry.
*blows a kiss* Mwah, good luck. I'll be right here waiting for you when you return.
I have absolutely no doubt of that. Ta.
***
You can't fall in love with him, you know.
Yes, I know. I'm not going to.
I could make you.
COULD you now? That's talent. And laughable, you dealing with love.
I deal with whatever I need to. Tools, you know.
Yes, I quite do. At any rate, he's just a friend.
Of course he is.
*shrugs* You'll either believe me or you won't. He's a friend who I trust, because I haven't known him long enough to stop.
You don't trust the people you've known for longer?
Oh come on, do not insult my intelligence. You know damn well that that's true.
Well, that seems like a horrid state for things to be in.
Wow, you're right! It does! Ohmygod, thank you for the insight, I could have never figured it out without you!
Don't give me any lip, girl. I can break you if I want, and need very little reason to do so.
If you were going to *break* me, you would have done so already. As it is, it seems you're only going to curl around my Self and squeeze for a while and keep me feeling melencholy or depressed or emo or unstable or what-have-you. Lonely.
Oh dear, so I am! How awful, to know that you will feel this strange sense of despair, not just for now, but until whenever I choose to let go.
You don't *choose* to let go, you get scared off by Gabriel.
Yes, and where has he gotten to?
I don't know. He's not there right now, none of them are.
Such a pity
Indeed. Such a pity.
***
...huh. He believed me. Or you. Were you talking through me?
If it makes you feel less stable, then yes, of course it was me.
...You really don't beat around the bush, do you.
No, not really. You know what I mean, regardless.
Huh. So, either it was you controlling my words, which is damn scary, or it was me telling the truth, and I can handle this.
Ten bucks says that I'll have you crying before you fall asleep tonight.
...How would I give you money? How would you give *me* money? I refuse to take bets that don't work.
The money's not the important part
No, the challenge is.
I didn't challenge--
--Yes you did.
A bet is not a challenge.
Oh, it so fucking is. You made a fatal error there, madame.
[snarling] What?
You gave me a reason to be stubborn. To be strong. If crying means I'll lose money, there is no fucking way tears will enter my eyes tonight.
Dead puppies. Genocide. The cake being a lie!
And where the hell have you been?
*shrugs* Blocked out? I don't know.
*notices Her* Oh. Hello.
Hello Gabriel. Come to chase me off then, have you?
That was about the plan, yeah.
Mm. [to Sorcyress] You're insane, you know that right?
I've been arguing for the last hour with the metaphysical representation of my insecurities. The only reason I'm not going to continue doing so is because I'm being rescued by a fractured aspect of my personality, who I have named Gabriel. Trust me, I've known for SOME TIME that I am not quite all there.
'We're all here because we're not all there'?
'Zactlywhat.
GASP! HE ATE THE 'ZACTLYWHAT?!
...What?
...I have...no...idea. I think it's referencing a conversation me and my clone had at some point. But for some reason, the phrase 'he (or possibly you) ate the 'zactlywhat' is stuck in my head.
Deus, if I live all your life I will never understand you.
Glorious, isn't it. She gone?
Certainly appears that way. You planning on doing laundry?
Well, now, sure. Uhm. Thanks and all.
For what?
For, you know, playing knight in shining armor and stuff.
Deus, I didn't do jack diddly. I appeared because you managed to lift the mental blocks keeping me away, okay? Tonight, at least, you really didn't need me.
Still though. Thank you. You take pretty good care of me.
Someone has to, and you keep not.
Heh. Too bloody true, mate. Cheers!
...Indeed. Cheers.
~Sorcyress
-Gabriel-
MOOP!
I suspect a great deal of it is proximity. Sure, you guys say that I'm so fabulous, but you don't see everything. You don't see me when I'm desperately failing to clean my room, or when I'm being incurably ditzy, or when I'm being shameless. You might see one, but not all of them, and not all the other little things that irritate me about myself.
One way I deal with negative emotions is writing. Well, to be entirely accurate, one way I deal with everything is by writing --someone remind me sometime to type up the drabble I wrote right after I first bought my
Usually by cleaning. Okay, *usually* by solitaire. But when I'm being useful, by putting on loud, singy, music, and cleaning or organizing or putting things away or something of the sort.
Unfortunately, I don't actually succeed in doing that as often as I'd like. So, feeling a general emotional low coming on, I decided to do both my primary and secondary cope methods at once --write and do something productive while listening to loud music.
This is apparently a log of that writing, and can't possibly be very interesting. The productive thing is cleaning out the pit in my closet and putting away all my laundry.
***
Oh wow. Look Sorcy, other people's lives are spiraling out of control, and you can't do anything about it.
Nothing.
Maybe if you stopped caring about them--
No.
No?
No.
No what. No, their lives aren't spiraling out of control? No, you *can* do something...?
No, I will not stop caring.
Ah. Silly of you.
Yeah, fuck you too.
Goodness. Such language.
Mm.
Why isn't your room clean yet?
Why do I sense that, regardless of what I answer, you'll hear some variant on 'because I'm an irresponsible fuck up', which you will then twist around and throw into my face?
Because you are getting very clever. Or evil, perhaps. Perhaps one day you will be as malicious and cold and cruel as I!
...Yeah, perhaps. Or maybe my knowledge of how to be a horrible person helps me better to become a good one.
Your logic makes no sense.
No, it does. If I know what to avoid...
Yes, but you never do, now do you?
...What do you mean?
Do I need to spell it out? You know full well what you need to do to be a good person. You need to spend more time with your friends. You need to study more and harder. You need to not procrastinate. You need to spend less time in fantasy and more in reality. You need to stop bullshitting around. You need to stop teasing him and him and perhaps her, and figure out what you're doing with him and her. And him.
While I appreciate you not naming names, that's a few more pronouns than I'll remember in a year.
Write it down.
...You're being uncommonly helpful.
Nervous?
Yes.
I'm always helpful
Only when it comes to suicide ideas and hatelists. And impossible situations.
Impossible situations? Moi?
Oh don't bullshit me. 'Gee Kat, your friend is hurt! You should've known in time to go and make it all better with your magical pixie dust that you pull out of your butt each night before you sleep! And because you didn't, you're a Bad Person'
Perhaps I'm just unfamilier with how this sort of thing works, but not helping a friend certainly feels like a Bad Person thing to me.
...How could I have known? It's not like she called me or anything.
It's not like you had your phone close at hand if she did.
...You bitch.
Took you long enough to resort to name calling, now didn't it?
Screw you.
Oh, I love this. You know I'm right, so you're fighting back in *the* most childish way imaginable, with useless threats and name calling. God, control is delicious
You don't *control* me. You don't even have a name.
'Course I do. Call me ***.
Oh fuck no, that is *not* your name. That name is not for you to say.
Is that why you blocked it out? Kept the rest of them from hearing?
Maybe. Maybe it's just that the name I heard isn't something that can be accurately transcribed into words.
How pretentious. College student bullshit answers to something so much simpler.
Indeed. Imagine that, a college student giving a college level analysis. How...startling.
*gasp!* Why, Katarina, you wound me! How dare you fight back!
You love it when I fight back. It gives you more power, more ammo to throw at you.
*giggles* Of course!
Oh, look at that. She signed off. Still depressed. Still hurt and lonely and broken. You didn't help her at all, I wonder why that is...?
I was, perhaps, a bit distracted.
Well, you shouldn't be.
No, I shouldn't. Get out of here.
You think it's that easy to remove me when I've latched into you? Sorcyress, I'm not *like* that. You need louder music, and better reaffirmation that you're a good person. *checks your chats* The latter of which it really doesn't appear you're going to get tonight.
Mm. Never know. I've got good friends.
Yes, which explains why you've talked so often with him and with her of late.
More pronouns. My, but this is getting confusing.
And there's no point in masking Tho's name like that. He'll just badger me to know the next time we're both online, bless him. And I will, of course, tell him, because that's what you do with friends. You trust.
Oh, how sweet! I think a tear entered the corner of my eye there...
You're capable of crying? I am truly shocked.
*rolls eyes* I'll let you know should it ever *actually* happen.
I'm sure you will. For now, I need to go sort laundry.
*blows a kiss* Mwah, good luck. I'll be right here waiting for you when you return.
I have absolutely no doubt of that. Ta.
***
You can't fall in love with him, you know.
Yes, I know. I'm not going to.
I could make you.
COULD you now? That's talent. And laughable, you dealing with love.
I deal with whatever I need to. Tools, you know.
Yes, I quite do. At any rate, he's just a friend.
Of course he is.
*shrugs* You'll either believe me or you won't. He's a friend who I trust, because I haven't known him long enough to stop.
You don't trust the people you've known for longer?
Oh come on, do not insult my intelligence. You know damn well that that's true.
Well, that seems like a horrid state for things to be in.
Wow, you're right! It does! Ohmygod, thank you for the insight, I could have never figured it out without you!
Don't give me any lip, girl. I can break you if I want, and need very little reason to do so.
If you were going to *break* me, you would have done so already. As it is, it seems you're only going to curl around my Self and squeeze for a while and keep me feeling melencholy or depressed or emo or unstable or what-have-you. Lonely.
Oh dear, so I am! How awful, to know that you will feel this strange sense of despair, not just for now, but until whenever I choose to let go.
You don't *choose* to let go, you get scared off by Gabriel.
Yes, and where has he gotten to?
I don't know. He's not there right now, none of them are.
Such a pity
Indeed. Such a pity.
***
...huh. He believed me. Or you. Were you talking through me?
If it makes you feel less stable, then yes, of course it was me.
...You really don't beat around the bush, do you.
No, not really. You know what I mean, regardless.
Huh. So, either it was you controlling my words, which is damn scary, or it was me telling the truth, and I can handle this.
Ten bucks says that I'll have you crying before you fall asleep tonight.
...How would I give you money? How would you give *me* money? I refuse to take bets that don't work.
The money's not the important part
No, the challenge is.
I didn't challenge--
--Yes you did.
A bet is not a challenge.
Oh, it so fucking is. You made a fatal error there, madame.
[snarling] What?
You gave me a reason to be stubborn. To be strong. If crying means I'll lose money, there is no fucking way tears will enter my eyes tonight.
Dead puppies. Genocide. The cake being a lie!
And where the hell have you been?
*shrugs* Blocked out? I don't know.
*notices Her* Oh. Hello.
Hello Gabriel. Come to chase me off then, have you?
That was about the plan, yeah.
Mm. [to Sorcyress] You're insane, you know that right?
I've been arguing for the last hour with the metaphysical representation of my insecurities. The only reason I'm not going to continue doing so is because I'm being rescued by a fractured aspect of my personality, who I have named Gabriel. Trust me, I've known for SOME TIME that I am not quite all there.
'We're all here because we're not all there'?
'Zactlywhat.
GASP! HE ATE THE 'ZACTLYWHAT?!
...What?
...I have...no...idea. I think it's referencing a conversation me and my clone had at some point. But for some reason, the phrase 'he (or possibly you) ate the 'zactlywhat' is stuck in my head.
Deus, if I live all your life I will never understand you.
Glorious, isn't it. She gone?
Certainly appears that way. You planning on doing laundry?
Well, now, sure. Uhm. Thanks and all.
For what?
For, you know, playing knight in shining armor and stuff.
Deus, I didn't do jack diddly. I appeared because you managed to lift the mental blocks keeping me away, okay? Tonight, at least, you really didn't need me.
Still though. Thank you. You take pretty good care of me.
Someone has to, and you keep not.
Heh. Too bloody true, mate. Cheers!
...Indeed. Cheers.
~Sorcyress
-Gabriel-
MOOP!
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on 2008-04-18 07:04 am (UTC)Bug me this weekend if you need/want to.
no subject
on 2008-04-19 12:45 am (UTC)I'm sure you've heard the expression, "we all die alone", which is rather depressing. Well, it turns out there's a slightly more depressing one that goes, "we all live alone". Thankfully, it's rather wrong, in that sometimes we can live together. But you can't be by someone else's side all the time - otherwise you might as well just be living their life for them.
Anyway, who's determining this "I'm a good person" thing?
Um, otherstuff. This comment was interrupted halfway through, so cognitive break and all.