![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
More of the same, but the same is good!
Sep. 30th, 2020 10:54 pmI remain really happy. This is confusing. I did over nine hours of work. I made dinner *and* washed the dishes from it. I dragged myself to bells and forced myself to ring things. Why am I so chipper?!
And the answer remains that I just...really fucking love my job. Three straight weeks of all-PD-all-the-time was Too Much and it was kinda overwhelming and draining and exhausting. But now that we're actually into the thick of it, having Wednesdays as a day off from active teaching is a nice bonus. I am so chock full of happy student energy that it felt *great* to collaborate with coworkers (including setting at least one boundary along the lines of "don't you dare scold me for not doing what our team agreed on when you're the only person on the team to have *not* replied to my email talking about my plans and trying to check in" and hell yes I'm gonna stand up for myself these days.)
Part of yesterday's therapy --which felt odd because I was in a Good Mood which is an interesting feeling because my good moods are always a bit of me being Very-- was talking about the fact that I *am* good at teaching. It's one of the few things in the world I can be arrogant about, but there's reason for it --I am patient and creative and thorough and enthusiastic and loving and I can say "this is the dream job" and absolutely mean it, and I can say "wow my district is a shitshow sometimes" and absolutely mean that (and I think holding both of those in my heart is correct and right and just because it means I can believe in our potential while still recognizing our failures.)
And so some of that comes out as me being On Top Of It when it comes to meetings and things, despite literally everything. My SideBoss *adores* me, my MainBoss is pleased by me, at least one of my students thinks I hang the moon...yeah, I'm not gonna take guff from any coworker just because I'm not doing things 100% by the book, because it turns out this entire year is no longer "by the book" and maybe flexibility and adaptability will serve a hell of a lot better in the long run.
I do burn out --my first year of teaching, the second my three senior classes disappeared I spent the entirety of their meeting times playing Bloons Tower Defense, and half my prep time as well. I will stop being made of radiant incandescent joy at some point this year --and yes, maybe very soon (based on the idea that my ADHD ass only ever gets a few good days in a row before hell zoning itself). But right now, this is my everything and because it's my everything it's just so...possible!
And by extension, everything else is possible and bright. I can make dinner and enjoy doing so, because it's a chance to banter with my roommates and be helpful and enjoy creating something physical (even if it's just from a box). I can enjoy cleaning up because it's thorough and sensible and soothing. I can enjoy bells1 because it's inherently enjoyable and lets me challenge my brain and my twitchy little fingers and talk to my friends and burst out laughing at four increasingly foolish false starts in a row.
I know this was all yesterday's entry too, but I'm just...really really excited to be happy again. Like, the subtitle of my journal contains the phrase "terminal optimist" for a reason, I am my mother's child and that is a creature easily amused. I am supposed to be happy, and this nightmare disaster of the past four years has ground that out of me in ways that are frankly frightening.
Also, man, to every woman who told me that the thirties were better than the twenties, you were not fuckin' kidding. 28 was still a perfect year, but a lot of things have been trending vaguely uphill since then.
(And yanno? I am taking better care of myself, on balance, than I was a year ago. Some parts of me feel stupid that I have my little daily checklist and fill in the boxes for "did you brush your teeth and shower and when's the last time you went outside anyways" but much more of me feels stupid that I didn't figure this out twenty years ago and start it then. I started the first page in mid-July, I'm about to finish the second page, this is a _good idea for me_. )
I hope you find the things that work for you.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: And yes, I should always enjoy bells but I think you probably know by now that that's a very complicated idea (and if you don't, check out the tintinnabulation tag)
And the answer remains that I just...really fucking love my job. Three straight weeks of all-PD-all-the-time was Too Much and it was kinda overwhelming and draining and exhausting. But now that we're actually into the thick of it, having Wednesdays as a day off from active teaching is a nice bonus. I am so chock full of happy student energy that it felt *great* to collaborate with coworkers (including setting at least one boundary along the lines of "don't you dare scold me for not doing what our team agreed on when you're the only person on the team to have *not* replied to my email talking about my plans and trying to check in" and hell yes I'm gonna stand up for myself these days.)
Part of yesterday's therapy --which felt odd because I was in a Good Mood which is an interesting feeling because my good moods are always a bit of me being Very-- was talking about the fact that I *am* good at teaching. It's one of the few things in the world I can be arrogant about, but there's reason for it --I am patient and creative and thorough and enthusiastic and loving and I can say "this is the dream job" and absolutely mean it, and I can say "wow my district is a shitshow sometimes" and absolutely mean that (and I think holding both of those in my heart is correct and right and just because it means I can believe in our potential while still recognizing our failures.)
And so some of that comes out as me being On Top Of It when it comes to meetings and things, despite literally everything. My SideBoss *adores* me, my MainBoss is pleased by me, at least one of my students thinks I hang the moon...yeah, I'm not gonna take guff from any coworker just because I'm not doing things 100% by the book, because it turns out this entire year is no longer "by the book" and maybe flexibility and adaptability will serve a hell of a lot better in the long run.
I do burn out --my first year of teaching, the second my three senior classes disappeared I spent the entirety of their meeting times playing Bloons Tower Defense, and half my prep time as well. I will stop being made of radiant incandescent joy at some point this year --and yes, maybe very soon (based on the idea that my ADHD ass only ever gets a few good days in a row before hell zoning itself). But right now, this is my everything and because it's my everything it's just so...possible!
And by extension, everything else is possible and bright. I can make dinner and enjoy doing so, because it's a chance to banter with my roommates and be helpful and enjoy creating something physical (even if it's just from a box). I can enjoy cleaning up because it's thorough and sensible and soothing. I can enjoy bells1 because it's inherently enjoyable and lets me challenge my brain and my twitchy little fingers and talk to my friends and burst out laughing at four increasingly foolish false starts in a row.
I know this was all yesterday's entry too, but I'm just...really really excited to be happy again. Like, the subtitle of my journal contains the phrase "terminal optimist" for a reason, I am my mother's child and that is a creature easily amused. I am supposed to be happy, and this nightmare disaster of the past four years has ground that out of me in ways that are frankly frightening.
Also, man, to every woman who told me that the thirties were better than the twenties, you were not fuckin' kidding. 28 was still a perfect year, but a lot of things have been trending vaguely uphill since then.
(And yanno? I am taking better care of myself, on balance, than I was a year ago. Some parts of me feel stupid that I have my little daily checklist and fill in the boxes for "did you brush your teeth and shower and when's the last time you went outside anyways" but much more of me feels stupid that I didn't figure this out twenty years ago and start it then. I started the first page in mid-July, I'm about to finish the second page, this is a _good idea for me_. )
I hope you find the things that work for you.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: And yes, I should always enjoy bells but I think you probably know by now that that's a very complicated idea (and if you don't, check out the tintinnabulation tag)