How did the exam go?
Jun. 11th, 2019 03:21 amA *long* time ago, mek titled me The Demigoddex1 of Dance. Think...mid 00's, so it's a title that I've had for a decade and a half or so, the better half of my life so far. And it's a title that has brought me a lot of comfort and thought over time. It's fascinating to me that mek was able to See Me in My Power when I was _that young_, but maybe there's just confirmation bias at hand, and all the goofy stuff he called me that I *didn't* throw my heart and soul into dropped away.
Anyways, I am a Demigoddex of Dance, and what that means is that dance is a thing I have incredible power around and through and with. And probably what you thought when you heard that was "yes, I have seen Kat at Scottish or Contra or Squares and they do seem to be pretty enthusiastic and fun to dance with!" You are not wrong if you think that, but you're also not entirely hitting the point of the thing.
If you wanna see me full into my power as Demigoddex, you need to see me dance like no one's watching. Bouncing-twirling-thrashing-rebounding, music too-loud from the speakers or piped into my ears alone, arms gone windmilled and catching myself on the surrounding architecture. Almost certainly if you see me like this, I'm not going to see you --I usually close my eyes.
And it's not about being Seen, it's not a _performance_ for other people to watch. Even when I do this goofy solo dancing in public spaces (Arisia comes to mind) it's not about the rest of the population. This is a chance for me to apply music directly to my body, and that makes it a chance to fully release my Aspect. It's a chance to _play_. I know because I am just as enthusiastically into it when I'm doing it in an empty room as when I'm doing it in a crowd2.
And it's a _damn_ good warm-up for me. This is often how I'll loosen up my body before some kind of dancing thing, just informally flailing like a fool until the person leading brings us into more organized stretching. Hop-twist-skip-swing and the shoulders loosen out and the ankles find their balance and everything falls into place.
On Sunday, just before my candidate exam, I spent fifteen minutes or so in an otherwise empty room dancing like an utter fucking fool. It was an accident, I just went in there to listen to too-loud music3 as a form of centering, of prayer. But then I was alone in the upper balconies of a former church, and there was room enough between the pews, and I had too-loud music!
It's a wonderful way to loosen my body. More often it's done though to loosen my mind. This is a thing I can do to make everything right again, even just for a short time. It doesn't solve any problems, it doesn't change the world, but for five-ten-twenty minutes while I'm moving, it takes me out of the rest of it and puts me into something here and now and loud and wonderful. For lack of a better term, it's meditation, even though it's done at full tilt movement and sound.
I'm fair sure I passed my candidate exam. My lesson felt _good_, the compliments I received have been kind. I know what I needed to do, and after all, Scottish Country Dancing and Teaching are the only two things in the world I'm allowed to feel any arrogance about. But Sunday, the part that mattered to me, the part that felt like happiness and existence and all that is right in the world was not the part I did in front of the examiners, and with my class.
It was one small body in one large space and a small handful of songs. It was flushed and panting and red with exertion before the lesson even began. It was a demigoddex gathering their power, ready to present it in full control and majesty. It was dance, and it was lovely and it was exactly what I needed for that moment.
Demigoddex of dance. That's me!
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Okay, technically he named me the Demigoddess as I was more a girl at the time. Apparently I really like the way the gender-neutral x signifier sounds in goddex, in a way I don't particularly care for in princex. I'm curious as to what's different enough linguistically to make my ear feel that way.
2: Actually, maybe inversely so --in a crowd I need my eyes open more often and my movements slightly more restrained to avoid the rest of y'all.
3: I'll tell you where the real road lies / between your ears behind your eyes / that is the path to paradise /and likewise the road to ruin
((I sing songs differently from the known lyrics sometimes, when the power in the words matters.))
PostScript1: Here are two related posts that came up in my writing, but then I didn't actually wind up including.
*This is a very long post from NYFaerieFest a few years ago. It talks about how s00j is a goddess unto my eyes, and the way for me to handle that is to summon my own aspect around me and let my magic respond to her own.
*This is a post from 2010 that may be the *definitive* post about me and dancing. I am incredibly lucky that I truly lack the social anxiety that stops people from managing to actually "dance like nobody's watching". I have danced on subway cars and platforms, on rain-soaked streets, on empty dance floors and in empty classrooms. Sometimes other people are around to see. It doesn't stop me.
PostScript2: Last fall, I was out Doing Bells at Smith for the first time, and I was having a No Good Very Bad Brain day, because that was right in the middle of my brain being shit about bells. There was a tiny little studio with mirrors on the wall and a sprung-wood floor, and yanno, my brain was broken anyways, so why not.
The studio had a balcony above, and people could overlook and I dunno if they mostly did or not (recall I dance with my eyes closed4) but afterwards![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
choco_frosh complimented me and asked what I was practicing for.
It was such a funny question, practicing. I don't remember exactly what I stammered back, because my dance is not practice for anything except itself.
4: This was an instance where that turned out to be a _very bad idea_. I have better than average proprioperception5, but it isn't perfect, and that studio had very rough brick walls with the bricks all set at odd angles to each other. Head-cuts bleed a lot. Slamming your head into a wall by accident because you didn't realize you were That Close is not fun.
5: I mean, probably? I have no idea what average is, but mine seems very good.
Anyways, I am a Demigoddex of Dance, and what that means is that dance is a thing I have incredible power around and through and with. And probably what you thought when you heard that was "yes, I have seen Kat at Scottish or Contra or Squares and they do seem to be pretty enthusiastic and fun to dance with!" You are not wrong if you think that, but you're also not entirely hitting the point of the thing.
If you wanna see me full into my power as Demigoddex, you need to see me dance like no one's watching. Bouncing-twirling-thrashing-rebounding, music too-loud from the speakers or piped into my ears alone, arms gone windmilled and catching myself on the surrounding architecture. Almost certainly if you see me like this, I'm not going to see you --I usually close my eyes.
And it's not about being Seen, it's not a _performance_ for other people to watch. Even when I do this goofy solo dancing in public spaces (Arisia comes to mind) it's not about the rest of the population. This is a chance for me to apply music directly to my body, and that makes it a chance to fully release my Aspect. It's a chance to _play_. I know because I am just as enthusiastically into it when I'm doing it in an empty room as when I'm doing it in a crowd2.
And it's a _damn_ good warm-up for me. This is often how I'll loosen up my body before some kind of dancing thing, just informally flailing like a fool until the person leading brings us into more organized stretching. Hop-twist-skip-swing and the shoulders loosen out and the ankles find their balance and everything falls into place.
On Sunday, just before my candidate exam, I spent fifteen minutes or so in an otherwise empty room dancing like an utter fucking fool. It was an accident, I just went in there to listen to too-loud music3 as a form of centering, of prayer. But then I was alone in the upper balconies of a former church, and there was room enough between the pews, and I had too-loud music!
It's a wonderful way to loosen my body. More often it's done though to loosen my mind. This is a thing I can do to make everything right again, even just for a short time. It doesn't solve any problems, it doesn't change the world, but for five-ten-twenty minutes while I'm moving, it takes me out of the rest of it and puts me into something here and now and loud and wonderful. For lack of a better term, it's meditation, even though it's done at full tilt movement and sound.
I'm fair sure I passed my candidate exam. My lesson felt _good_, the compliments I received have been kind. I know what I needed to do, and after all, Scottish Country Dancing and Teaching are the only two things in the world I'm allowed to feel any arrogance about. But Sunday, the part that mattered to me, the part that felt like happiness and existence and all that is right in the world was not the part I did in front of the examiners, and with my class.
It was one small body in one large space and a small handful of songs. It was flushed and panting and red with exertion before the lesson even began. It was a demigoddex gathering their power, ready to present it in full control and majesty. It was dance, and it was lovely and it was exactly what I needed for that moment.
Demigoddex of dance. That's me!
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Okay, technically he named me the Demigoddess as I was more a girl at the time. Apparently I really like the way the gender-neutral x signifier sounds in goddex, in a way I don't particularly care for in princex. I'm curious as to what's different enough linguistically to make my ear feel that way.
2: Actually, maybe inversely so --in a crowd I need my eyes open more often and my movements slightly more restrained to avoid the rest of y'all.
3: I'll tell you where the real road lies / between your ears behind your eyes / that is the path to paradise /
((I sing songs differently from the known lyrics sometimes, when the power in the words matters.))
PostScript1: Here are two related posts that came up in my writing, but then I didn't actually wind up including.
*This is a very long post from NYFaerieFest a few years ago. It talks about how s00j is a goddess unto my eyes, and the way for me to handle that is to summon my own aspect around me and let my magic respond to her own.
*This is a post from 2010 that may be the *definitive* post about me and dancing. I am incredibly lucky that I truly lack the social anxiety that stops people from managing to actually "dance like nobody's watching". I have danced on subway cars and platforms, on rain-soaked streets, on empty dance floors and in empty classrooms. Sometimes other people are around to see. It doesn't stop me.
PostScript2: Last fall, I was out Doing Bells at Smith for the first time, and I was having a No Good Very Bad Brain day, because that was right in the middle of my brain being shit about bells. There was a tiny little studio with mirrors on the wall and a sprung-wood floor, and yanno, my brain was broken anyways, so why not.
The studio had a balcony above, and people could overlook and I dunno if they mostly did or not (recall I dance with my eyes closed4) but afterwards
choco_frosh complimented me and asked what I was practicing for. It was such a funny question, practicing. I don't remember exactly what I stammered back, because my dance is not practice for anything except itself.
4: This was an instance where that turned out to be a _very bad idea_. I have better than average proprioperception5, but it isn't perfect, and that studio had very rough brick walls with the bricks all set at odd angles to each other. Head-cuts bleed a lot. Slamming your head into a wall by accident because you didn't realize you were That Close is not fun.
5: I mean, probably? I have no idea what average is, but mine seems very good.