![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Nov. 10th, 2016 11:22 pmToday, unlike yesterday, I felt like a real person. I was able to go out and live my life --do nannyingjob, get dinner with Austein, do organizey-dance-stuff at home-- without feeling catastrophically bad about everything.
I tried to make more of a point than usual today of being friendly to the people I saw out and about. It helps walking around with the Rbeast --she's fucking adorable, and so just about everyone smiles and waves back at her. But as I tell my students whenever I get the chance, we're all we have in the world. Be good to each other.
I was doing really well writing my words, but then I lost the streak on Monday (I crashed super hard after dance) and have been too numb the last two days to even really try. Tweets and short little things are coming, reblogs and restatements are coming easily. This is the first thing I've written in three days that's more'n a hundred words though. That's okay. I can start over sometimes.
I have been trying _really_ hard to hug just about everybody I encounter, as often as I fucking can. One thing that's really nice about DansaHausa1is that I am suddenly once again living with at least one person who is happy to receive frequent touch (and whom I feel comfortable touching frequently). I haven't had that in a long time, not since I lived with Sparr2 or Ezri, really. But Laura and I stim on each other's soft clothing, and she lets me come up behind her at dance and rest my chin on her shoulder, and she'll make a point to hug me before going to bed. It's really nice.
But yeah. I'm not good at politics, or leadership, or organization, or revolution. I'm a scared little white girl3 from a well off family with occasional capitalist leanings.
But I can be nice. I can be kind.
It doesn't really come naturally to me. Between dealing with the fallout of being an abuse survivor, and dealing with the wrath that comes from being invisible and not wanting to be, I have lost a lot of my softness. When Racheline wrote "good girls aren't here4", I took it to heart a lot of ways --and one of the strongest was the understanding that if I wanted to exist, I needed to be not good, and/or not a girl.
But I can be nice. I can be kind. And the world needs some nice and some kind right now. So I'm making an effort to lock down some of the sarcasm and some of the sharp, to smile at strangers and take a deep breath and let it go every time a masshole driver does something to make me swear. It'll take work, it'll take practice, but damnit, so did learning to juggle, so does Highland dance. I'm capable of working at things that are important to me.
This is important to me.
Be good to each other, friends. We're all we have in the world.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: The current domicile is called Dance House or Dance Floor, I call it DansaHausa, because BodaBorg. Man, I should go back to BodaBorg, it's been since like June.
2: Who counts differently, in that I can touch Sparr whenever but it's a lot more likely to be sexual at any given moment for at least one of us. With Laura, it never is --it's always just comfort.
3: I am not a girl.
4: Over three years now that I have had it open in a browser window at all times.
I tried to make more of a point than usual today of being friendly to the people I saw out and about. It helps walking around with the Rbeast --she's fucking adorable, and so just about everyone smiles and waves back at her. But as I tell my students whenever I get the chance, we're all we have in the world. Be good to each other.
I was doing really well writing my words, but then I lost the streak on Monday (I crashed super hard after dance) and have been too numb the last two days to even really try. Tweets and short little things are coming, reblogs and restatements are coming easily. This is the first thing I've written in three days that's more'n a hundred words though. That's okay. I can start over sometimes.
I have been trying _really_ hard to hug just about everybody I encounter, as often as I fucking can. One thing that's really nice about DansaHausa1is that I am suddenly once again living with at least one person who is happy to receive frequent touch (and whom I feel comfortable touching frequently). I haven't had that in a long time, not since I lived with Sparr2 or Ezri, really. But Laura and I stim on each other's soft clothing, and she lets me come up behind her at dance and rest my chin on her shoulder, and she'll make a point to hug me before going to bed. It's really nice.
But yeah. I'm not good at politics, or leadership, or organization, or revolution. I'm a scared little white girl3 from a well off family with occasional capitalist leanings.
But I can be nice. I can be kind.
It doesn't really come naturally to me. Between dealing with the fallout of being an abuse survivor, and dealing with the wrath that comes from being invisible and not wanting to be, I have lost a lot of my softness. When Racheline wrote "good girls aren't here4", I took it to heart a lot of ways --and one of the strongest was the understanding that if I wanted to exist, I needed to be not good, and/or not a girl.
But I can be nice. I can be kind. And the world needs some nice and some kind right now. So I'm making an effort to lock down some of the sarcasm and some of the sharp, to smile at strangers and take a deep breath and let it go every time a masshole driver does something to make me swear. It'll take work, it'll take practice, but damnit, so did learning to juggle, so does Highland dance. I'm capable of working at things that are important to me.
This is important to me.
Be good to each other, friends. We're all we have in the world.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: The current domicile is called Dance House or Dance Floor, I call it DansaHausa, because BodaBorg. Man, I should go back to BodaBorg, it's been since like June.
2: Who counts differently, in that I can touch Sparr whenever but it's a lot more likely to be sexual at any given moment for at least one of us. With Laura, it never is --it's always just comfort.
3: I am not a girl.
4: Over three years now that I have had it open in a browser window at all times.