Today is a Day of Penance.

I have mentioned before how I am driven by ritual, yes? I like creating patterns to the world, to make up for my failings sometimes, to make me feel comforted, to help me navigate this too-random creation we inhabit.

Well, one ritual I've been doing is actually keeping up with 750words. It was my New Years resolution, and I have succeed, every day since the first of the year, to write at least 750 words about my day, or of fiction, or essaying, or whatever. The year has felt better for it --when I do not write, my mind falls into a sort of disrepair that is sinisterly hard to notice.

And last night I failed. I fell asleep at my keyboard, woke up five minutes until midnight, and frantically scrambled but...I can only type at about 75 words per minute. I certainly can't create that fast. So I failed, and I fractured, because for all that I am a very stable and sensible person, underneath it all I am also a very damaged and deranged one.

And failing (for such a stupid reason too) felt awful, and I debased myself in the words for today, written in the wee hours of the morning. But as happens when I write long enough, I got past the awful wreck of what I was and back into the glory of who I can be. So I'll start over, I decided, and I'll keep writing, and if I fail again, well, I can always pick myself back up.

But in the meantime, my drive for ritual wants its return.

So today is a day of penance.

***

Oh forgive me mothers, for I have sinned. I did not get my words done in time. I have failed you in your divine eyes. And I'm gonna make sure today is a damn good day to make up for it.

( Things I must do to be cleansed )

The list may grow longer as the day rolls by. And I suspect I will allow myself time tomorrow too (my day off work) to continue.

Because the point of failing is to come back better. And I am a stubborn feral thing, and that's always something I can achieve.

~Sor
MOOP!

(no subject)

(Originally written 2013.03.13, Wednesday)

Man, I was joking to myself the other day about how the best part of not being on my ADHD meds is going back on them and getting this giant rush of focus and motivation. And really, I'm pretty sure I operate higher when I've been taking them regularly than when I've not been taking them at all, but that first day back on...WOOSH! Brain goes way *way* better than I'm used to, and everything is amazing.

There is no doubt in my mind that this is the thing that is wrong with my mind, because the medicine fixes it *perfectly*. Hey, if it's good enough for House, it's good enough for me. ;)

At any rate, I did a load of laundry, put away a substantial amount of clean laundry, eliminated a paper bag's worth of recycling, started (and mostly filled) a bin full of "stuff to get rid of", went to a thing for secondjob (I am this close to finally having all my paperwork and being paid for that one.) straightened up my room a bit, made my bed, and fulfilled my Marchuary resolution of "do the dishes every evening before you go to bed".

Speaking of getting rid of stuff, I am trying to get rid of as much of my stuff as I can bear to part with before I have to move next. "Wait, what?" Yep. Come the end of August (and the end of our lease, oh Boston) I will be moving out of this household and into...well, we'll work that out at some point. It's not an indicment on Nurit or Genni at all, I could not find finer roommates without going to Ohio and kidnapping a grad student. It's just that I am so tired of scrambling to make my rent, and have a bicycle, so I can easily be farther from the T without too much concern. Meanwhile, the both of them want to be *closer* to the T, which means definitely more expensive.

So Sparr and I are hunting us up a house and some housemates (interested? Union Square is our current search goal and if you wanna move in with us, we are OKAY WITH THAT! Well, potentially. We might've had a long (slightly catty at times) discussion about everyone who's a mutual friend in the area and whether or not we think it could work out.)

And that's me today. Life feels really solid right now. We'll see if I can make it stick.

~Sor