(no subject)

My life has shaken out some, and I can see that I have a goal, and that it is worth pursuing. New Years Resolutions are all well and good, but my perpetual aim in life remains "introspect, find flaws, fix them."

I'm pretty fucking good at the first two parts. I'm getting better at the last.

So a new flaw, one that is definitely worth working on, but doesn't really have a name. It is a number of tiny behaviours that flow together into one complex thing, that I do not find especially healthy. I'd like to get rid of them.

I do not demand. I am not always good at saying no¹. I do not express desires. I don't say when we're having problems. I don't say when I need to disappear. I feel guilty that others sacrifice for me. I let myself be pushed too far. I want, and do not express it, but far more importantly, sometimes I need and do not express it.

1: My time, you can always have. My sexuality, almost never. Everything else is likely to fall somewhere between the two.

This conspires to an unfortunate flaw. It is, I suppose, a manifestation of living my life for others. That there is not something I can fix --it is too ingrained inside me that I am here to Make Other People's Lives Easier-- but maybe if I practise and stretch a little, I can live for others in ways that also aid myself. Maybe I will not live for others as thoroughly, but the end result will be a better me, which is living for others in a rather dramatic way.

I am, in many ways, a small person. Today at least, I much prefer being grand enough to warp the world to my will. And warping is wanting and acting on those wants.

Introspect.
Find flaws.
Fix them.

Check check and...

~Sor
MOOP!

(no subject)

Really noticeably exhausted, not sure why. Probably partly to do with being remarkably clumsy at work yesterday, so more of my energy cycles are currently taken up with self-repair tasks, and therefore aren't giving me enthusiasm or whatever. Also, I've been unmedicated for two days straight and I'm going to go fix that, right now, because honestly Sor!

***

A while back Nurit was getting rid of manyclothes, and I appropriated some things for my wardrobe. Which is a complicated way of saying "I am wearing a sweater today", which is not something I do very often. It's sharply typical-female, and low cut enough that I'm doing the layering thing and wearing an undershirt, which makes it feel *more* typically female. I'm not particularly gendering girl right now, so we'll see if this becomes uncomfortable as the day goes on. But dammit, it's way too cold right now for me to just wear a t-shirt.

Cracked.com had a fairly recent list discussing the most baffling things about women's clothing. Reading this was actually one of those ridiculously useful things, because it tells me very basic things that I need to know in order to look like a woman, a skill I am notably unpractised at. One of these months I'll actually get around to looking up resources for mtf passing, since man, everything I know about looking like a guy comes from ftm resources.

***

I probably have more random thoughts (Sparr is here! This has been an awful week! Anime!) but I have a therapy appointment in about half an hour, and I should try to actually not be late for once. Ta!

~Sor
MOOP!