(no subject)

Exhausting weekend, in which I got very little done, but I need that sometimes.

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The high school I intern at did not win the sports, which is sad, and might mean my sup (who is coach of the sports) is cranky tomorrow. We'll find out.

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I accidentally turned the inside of the yarn-bracelet Sparr gave me for our anniversary bright red. It looks kinda cool, but also...oops. I need to remember that sharpie rubs off on cloth, no _really_.

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I figured out something dreadfully important in terms of things I actually seriously really need in relationships, regardless of whether or not I think I should need it, or deserve it, or want it, or whatever. Knowing what I need is a good thing. It means I can consciously shift the world to get it, rather than just have vague feelings of rightness or wrongness.

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Went to the BIDA contra tonight, and got to see siogai for the first time since last April or something. Launching out of the waiting part of a contra in order to give him a hug totally eradicated any remaining uncertainty as to whether or not I should've been there, also, glee. I've missed hanging out with him, and possibly more importantly, I've missed *dancing* with him.

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The reason I had red sharpie on my wrist was because I finally got around to watching the video for Pink's "Raise Your Glass", which Racheline has been squeeing about for ages now. My wrist wound up saying "Wrong in all the right ways", because that is a good phrase.

I am not normal and I do not fit in. I can pretend, and that helps a little, but I've never managed to find the right words to say to actually belong to a group. But even if it's wrong, whatever I'm doing, I'm doing well.

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You lot probably don't notice, because I think I tend to err on the side of not-drama, but every once in a while I get really concerned that someone clever is going to read between the lines of what I say from one entry to the next, and figure out either something that is secret, or something that I was otherwise being cryptic about. Which makes talking about this weekend possibly really complicated. You guys don't pay *that* much attention to the nonsense I say, right?

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I live in a sitcom. Seriously. Cute boy, I wanted to flirt with him. I noticed he was spending time with a pretty lady and being clearly connected with her, so I decided to lay off the really heavy flirting, for politeness sake. Walking home, I mentioned to our mutual friend how nice he and his "girlfriend" was.

"Who? Do you mean his sister?"

SERIOUSLY! I did not even know that happened in real life, ohmyfuckinggod. I'm glad I wasn't being serious in my flirtation, or this would way go from me just feeling like a dope to actively applying my head to the nearest wall.

Also, he was a hell of a dancer. I really want to drag him to Scottish or something so I have an excuse to see how he does at something more complex than "flail around like an idiot to loud music"

***

And yes, the Vericon masquerade was as wonderful as it normally is. It suffers from the problem that a lot of geek music doesn't exactly have a strong beat to dance to, but makes up for that by being an entire prom _with ridiculously geeky music._

Also, when "Re: Your Brains" came on, I started shambling to the beat, and caused the _entire dance floor_ to become zombies. Except for aforementioned cute boy, who quite wisely figured that a zombie is nothing without prey. So he ran around as a human, and the rest of us shambled after him desperately wishing that zombies weren't stupid enough that we couldn't split up and catch him in a pincer movement or something.

Alsoalso, slave-Leia with a fencing rapier. So. Damn. HOT!

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Went to the Ragtime tea dance to-day, which was all couples dancing, and largely Tango (but with bits of one-step and foxtrot and blues). I am okay at leading tango and decent at one-step and blues. I am normally better at foxtrot --he was teaching a slightly different variant that completely tripped me up.

herbertinc showed up with marcmagus and shield_toad111 in tow, which was excellent. I like getting to see good people from faraway lands. Also, I got to blues dance with Veronica, and holy-damn-hell, she is an amazing blues lead. I'm inclined to argue that she's on the list of people who I will never reject for a dance.

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I continue to not be able to solve everyone's problems, which is damn frustrating.

I'd possibly settle for being able to solve my own.

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Oh sheisse, it's one, isn't it? Proper reporting on the weekend (Capture the flag with stuff! Arkham Horror! Scandals! Sunshine Regiment! Improv!) will have to be written tomorrow. Ta!

~Sor
MOOP!

Mama Nature is my Goddess

For nearly as long as I can remember, I've worshiped nature. By third or fourth grade, I had figured out the power of sunshine, of wind, of storms. In sixth grade, I would have discussions with Mother Nature as I walked to the bus stop, analyze her clothing and her appearance as it shifted with the weather. High school and I would retreat to my tree as shelter against any insecurity.

Now it's college, and none of it has stopped. Mama Nature is in charge of me, she is one of the few concepts in the world who are allowed full reign to hurt me, to push me farther than I can go, to make me suffer. She's been my mistress for longer than I've had a concept of BDSM, and as I've gotten older and more savvy to my faith, she's become a way to pray¹ and an answer to questions.

The reason I use tarot cards sometimes, the reason I think they work for me, is because I look at the pretty pictures, I remember my associations, --yonic and phallic, religion and confrontation-- and I decide all by myself what they probably mean. What I need them to mean. It works because the back of my mind is always humming with everything that is not quite right, and when I have to interpret what's going on through my life through some silly little pictures, it gives me a little bit of clarity to what I'm actually thinking, and what I actually need.

I've started to use Nature the same way. I like a broad spectrum of sensation and intensity, and nature can certainly provide all that. Sometimes, and that's a crucial word, sometimes. Sometimes all I want is a calm walk home, cloudy enough I don't have difficulty seeing, warm enough and cool enough that I'm not uncomfortable. And depending on my mood, on the subconscious thoughts, what weather I must endure can either be a sign that I am doing things right, and she is pleased or that I am doing things entirely wrong, and she is angry. It's the same as the tarot --I've nothing to do with the weather, but my interpretation leads it to answer questions.

Just sometimes not the questions I wanted answered.

At any rate, I rode my bike to school today, on the assumption that the weather was nice and would be getting nicer as the day passed. It was my very first biking-to-internship attempt, and it went more or less splendid --four miles, a little under half an hour, and I didn't have to push myself unreasonably hard. To a certain extent, I'm still working on communicating proper with Mama Nature when on my bicycle --it's not being inside human barriers like buildings or cars, but it still changes the shape of the world and my place in it. I think she's okay with it though. I know she likes that I can see the stars.

At any rate, it's snowing now. Pretty impressively. It's not sticking in Watertown, but JB posted a picture of his driveway in Somerville which was very covered. Snow is a thing we generally agree on as a good sign --I like snow, a lot-- but I find myself stealing constant glances out the window, wondering if it's stopped yet.

Of course, I'm still indoors. I haven't ventured out into it, I haven't seen what happens when I try to ride through the snow. Maybe it'll be awesome and I'll enjoy myself. Maybe it will be the most fucking awful thing ever, like that one rainstorm Blaise and I were caught in.

All I know is that Mama Nature's trying to send me a message. We'll see if I come any closer to figuring it out.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: What, you didn't think that little rhyme I say to the stars each night was just a way to get *wishes* did you? It's a prayer. It's clearly a prayer --sometimes it's a petty prayer, but more often than not, it's a request to find the strength I need, the focus I need, the control and security and stability that I need.