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Memory of a Regret
Mar. 21st, 2010 06:51 pmI try awfully hard to live my life without regrets.
This isn't to say I don't make bad decisions or do incredibly stupid things sometimes. It's also not to say that I try to stay home, never go on adventures, life a life of safety in order to protect myself from the future.
No, what I mean when I say no regrets is simply that I can't change my past. What has happened, has happened, and there is not a single thing I can do to affect that now. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to. These experiences that I have had are crucial to the creation of the person who is really truly *me*. Without every single one of those bad experiences to shape my outlook, I wouldn't be the same Kat you all know and love.
And so, for the big bad things that have fucked me up? I keep 'em in my brain as learning experiences -okay, this happened, it sucked, I'm over it. Let's do everything in our power to keep it from happening again. But there are some little things out there, stuff that I don't really think would've changed me overmuch one way or the other. The dances I've missed, the concerts I've skipped, and all the magical events I never even knew about.
One of those things that I really do regret, and knowing all I know now, would go back in time to fix, is from my very first Balticon. I was 16, and I regret not taking a nap.
See, a lovely thing happened at that Balticon --I was brought back into contact with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
marcmagus, who I had originally met at Origins 2004. We had chatted over IM for a few months (at least into October or so) before slowly drifting apart. I hadn't made it to Origins '05. By early 2006, the intense1 crush I had once enjoyed had faded into the barebones of memories. He simply just wasn't on my radar anymore -I had a girlfriend, and therefore no time for other people2.
But we remet, and all those rushing feelings of "well *hi* there!" came back. As if it wasn't easy enough for my brain to not fall head over heels back in stupid with someone a decade older than me, he had acquired a fantastic tye-dyed fishing vest (I love that vest) and glasses. I am powerless against glasses, you have no idea3.
So, I spent Balticon head over heels in stupid, trying both to spend as much time as possible with Marc and make it seem like I wasn't actually doing so. Meanwhile, he was attempting to try out a polyphasic sleep pattern, which meant he kept scuttling off for half an hour to catch some sleep.
At one point, I was feeling very worn out4, and yet had something that needed doing in an hour or so. I am lamenting both having to do things (the nerve of those techies! Putting me to work) and my exhaustion to Marc, and he proposes something very logical.
"Well, I was going to go sleep...you're welcome to join me."
The poor 16!me had no idea what he'd just proposed, as far as my brain was concerned. I was sixteen. I was navigating my first relationship, and when it came to intimacy, I was roughly at the holding hands and maybe kissing5 kinda level. The idea of sleeping with someone, no matter how platonic, was completely foreign to me --sleeping together is for parents and other married people.
And so I demurred. And of course, I was well aware then as now that he wasn't suggesting anything more than literally sharing a bit of floor and dozing for thirty minutes. It's probably a good thing I didn't take him up on it, as it would've made my poor mind even more complicated, and probably been no help to the increasing wave of "dear gods, I *am* in love with you, aren't I?" that was to be several spans of the next...oh...until we actually started dating, really.
But looking back now? It was a stupid short nap curled up with someone who I liked and who liked me. It wasn't sex, it was comfort, and I'm inclined to say that 16!me really was a bit of an idiot for passing it up.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Intense albeit "dear gods, he's way too old for me".
2: Except for those crushes I kept developing on people who weren't Blue, which was confusing as hell, as I still just adored Blue Canary. But I also just adored other people. Auggg, how could this *be*?! I pretty much figured out I was poly when I realized I wanted a triad between me, my girlfriend of the time, and a geektastic friend of mine. I do not regret that this never happened, as it probably would've ended terribly all around. At any rate, by Balticon I was aware of the facts that A) I was pretty sure I was polyamorous and B) I was pretty sure I was gonna break up with Blue in the near future.
3: Well, except for all of you who have ever used this against me.
4: Lack of sleep, lack of proper food, probably oversocialed to boot, which of course didn't apply to hanging out with Marc because it has *never* applied to hanging out with Marc. Well no, not never, but the two of us have extremely compatible silence.
5: I didn't learn how to kiss until I was dating Ksatyr. For a very long time, my rule was that I would not be good at kissing until I had kissed a stranger. That happened in November of 2008, long after I actually considered myself able to kiss quite well.
This isn't to say I don't make bad decisions or do incredibly stupid things sometimes. It's also not to say that I try to stay home, never go on adventures, life a life of safety in order to protect myself from the future.
No, what I mean when I say no regrets is simply that I can't change my past. What has happened, has happened, and there is not a single thing I can do to affect that now. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to. These experiences that I have had are crucial to the creation of the person who is really truly *me*. Without every single one of those bad experiences to shape my outlook, I wouldn't be the same Kat you all know and love.
And so, for the big bad things that have fucked me up? I keep 'em in my brain as learning experiences -okay, this happened, it sucked, I'm over it. Let's do everything in our power to keep it from happening again. But there are some little things out there, stuff that I don't really think would've changed me overmuch one way or the other. The dances I've missed, the concerts I've skipped, and all the magical events I never even knew about.
One of those things that I really do regret, and knowing all I know now, would go back in time to fix, is from my very first Balticon. I was 16, and I regret not taking a nap.
See, a lovely thing happened at that Balticon --I was brought back into contact with
marcmagus, who I had originally met at Origins 2004. We had chatted over IM for a few months (at least into October or so) before slowly drifting apart. I hadn't made it to Origins '05. By early 2006, the intense1 crush I had once enjoyed had faded into the barebones of memories. He simply just wasn't on my radar anymore -I had a girlfriend, and therefore no time for other people2.But we remet, and all those rushing feelings of "well *hi* there!" came back. As if it wasn't easy enough for my brain to not fall head over heels back in stupid with someone a decade older than me, he had acquired a fantastic tye-dyed fishing vest (I love that vest) and glasses. I am powerless against glasses, you have no idea3.
So, I spent Balticon head over heels in stupid, trying both to spend as much time as possible with Marc and make it seem like I wasn't actually doing so. Meanwhile, he was attempting to try out a polyphasic sleep pattern, which meant he kept scuttling off for half an hour to catch some sleep.
At one point, I was feeling very worn out4, and yet had something that needed doing in an hour or so. I am lamenting both having to do things (the nerve of those techies! Putting me to work) and my exhaustion to Marc, and he proposes something very logical.
"Well, I was going to go sleep...you're welcome to join me."
The poor 16!me had no idea what he'd just proposed, as far as my brain was concerned. I was sixteen. I was navigating my first relationship, and when it came to intimacy, I was roughly at the holding hands and maybe kissing5 kinda level. The idea of sleeping with someone, no matter how platonic, was completely foreign to me --sleeping together is for parents and other married people.
And so I demurred. And of course, I was well aware then as now that he wasn't suggesting anything more than literally sharing a bit of floor and dozing for thirty minutes. It's probably a good thing I didn't take him up on it, as it would've made my poor mind even more complicated, and probably been no help to the increasing wave of "dear gods, I *am* in love with you, aren't I?" that was to be several spans of the next...oh...until we actually started dating, really.
But looking back now? It was a stupid short nap curled up with someone who I liked and who liked me. It wasn't sex, it was comfort, and I'm inclined to say that 16!me really was a bit of an idiot for passing it up.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Intense albeit "dear gods, he's way too old for me".
2: Except for those crushes I kept developing on people who weren't Blue, which was confusing as hell, as I still just adored Blue Canary. But I also just adored other people. Auggg, how could this *be*?! I pretty much figured out I was poly when I realized I wanted a triad between me, my girlfriend of the time, and a geektastic friend of mine. I do not regret that this never happened, as it probably would've ended terribly all around. At any rate, by Balticon I was aware of the facts that A) I was pretty sure I was polyamorous and B) I was pretty sure I was gonna break up with Blue in the near future.
3: Well, except for all of you who have ever used this against me.
4: Lack of sleep, lack of proper food, probably oversocialed to boot, which of course didn't apply to hanging out with Marc because it has *never* applied to hanging out with Marc. Well no, not never, but the two of us have extremely compatible silence.
5: I didn't learn how to kiss until I was dating Ksatyr. For a very long time, my rule was that I would not be good at kissing until I had kissed a stranger. That happened in November of 2008, long after I actually considered myself able to kiss quite well.