(no subject)

Elaboration should appear tomorrow. I need to sleep, but I just had a nice long walk home, and have to get some words out of my brain and onto paper before I forget them.

I am not subtle. I tend to be direct. Also, and this is interesting, there are certain cases where I know exactly what I want out of the relationship within a short period of time of meeting the person. Adding to that, patience is not my virtue. I may rush into things.

And my tweet from earlier: Saw an AWESOME show, followed it with chatting and cuddling for three hours with three lovely folk. Now debating how many of them to seduce.

((Considering all three read this journal, the real answer is probably somewhere between "none of them" and "define seduce". With a very likely touch of the ol' "Well, I don't want to fall in love with them, but they might be lovelyfun to kiss sometime..."))

It is *terrible* to be meta-thinking about a relationship and wanting to write about said relationship when you're still in the new-friendship-energy stage and therefore being stalked like hell. I am sure I am being quite alarmingly offputting, and I welcome those who I am being offputting to to call me on it.

---

Unrelatedly, I did not actually get to Geek Check ratatosk. [[snipped to protect the innocent¹]] Soyeah, that kinda meant he passed a different sort of geek check, I suppose.

RIGHT BED!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Which is to say, I realized I was being quite rude, and saying things about someone that they might not be willing to have said in a public post. I may or may not insert the original text at a later date, if I actually remember to ask the person about it later.

(no subject)

So, as I'm sure I've said, or at least implied, before, I am a cisgendered female.

That means that I was born into a female body, with XX chromosomes and a vagina, and I am perfectly happy like that --I've never had body dysphoria¹ relating to my gender.

BUT! I also tend to take an extremely casual approach to gender. I list myself as genderneutral, when given the option, and I while I note gendered behaviour --when I "feel like a girl" or "feel like a boy", my default state is not usually one of those. I am plenty female, and happy about thus, and I am also as good a gentleman as I can manage, chivalry and stammering at a nice pair of legs included.

So like I mentioned, occasionally I "feel like a boy". I don't particularly know how to describe what makes this different from just feeling like a human being, though it often involves very physically --not necessarily mentally-- attractive ladies. A case in point just occurred in my teaching class. We were assigned to small groups. A girl I don't know particularly well recited the alphabet backwards, which would have been enough to earn her a kiss on the cheek had we been in a casual setting. Whilst she was doing this, I stared at her in a pleased manner, and tried very hard not to notice her breasts.

Later on, in talking, she started stretching. There was no conscious flirtation to the gesture, indeed, we hadn't exchanged more than a dozen words much of ever, and being a college student who is not specifically my friend, she's naturally less likely for me to flirt with. So she was stretching, directly across from me, and I found a good chunk of my attention focused on the curve of her breasts and her hair and her eyes and her profile and the way her arms moved, and the length of her torso, and her ass, and holyshit, I'm shocked I didn't earn an offended look for staring. She was just Lovely, and certainly matched Sorcy Female Attractiveness Trope #1²

Watching her, in class, while I pretended to focus on the class itself and not watching her, made me feel completely like a boy. Like a typical high school shy geek-boy, to be exact. Here was this simply beautiful, utterly out of my league girl, and she was just in front of me, and smiling, and had I the ability, I probably would've gone distressingly firm. She invoked in me the feelings associated with that subculture of male, the slight awkwardness, the tendency to stammer.

As it is, I have little interest in actually pursuing her. She's nice enough, from my extraordinarily limited interactions, but she is utterly mainstream, and I just have nothing I could say to her. I'll happily watch a pretty face for as long as it'll let me, but I'm not going to pursue someone I have nothing in common with, not even just to kiss on the side. It's not my way --so much of attraction is tied up in the mental, and with her, it's just not there.

Interestingly enough, I think that flirting with women who are clearly geeks invokes more of a female response in me. I don't know if this is part of the "all geek girls are bisexual" stereotype or what, but I think it certainly ties into the perceived sexuality of the woman in question --I inevitably flirt with pretty and straight girls like I were male. When given a pretty and bi/omni/awesome-sexual girl to flirt with, I don't necessarily have to be male, so I can flirt with her as my own mixed up genderneutral self --both as a male and a female. Should I flirt with a hardcore lesbian, I sense I would do so in such a way that utilized primarily my female bits.

This alone is interesting because it ties into the ways I automatically try to please people. Of a similar study to when I behave male or female³ is what makes me act particularly dominant or submissive --and it's often a reflection of the company I'm in. When in situations where someone else is clearly alpha, I am more than happy to back down, and give them the ability to make decisions. When there is no set alpha, or when no one else is stepping up to take charge, or if I sense that no one else feels comfortable taking charge, I will step in. And you thought I'd talk about dom/sub in a sexual context there, didn't you?

So yes. I feel like a boy. More interestingly, I feel like a boy who is younger than my current age, which really almost never happens --about the only things that consistently make me feel like a teenager are putting me into extremely formal clothes, and making out in cars. So, that being said, I'm going to walk home, and figure out exactly what it is high school boys do, after staring greedily at the lady of their dreams for half a class period.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I've actually been blessed with having very little body dysphoria in general. I am a good shape and size and being. I still want red hair and freckles, though.

2: Dark or brunette hair (though hers had a gorgeous auburn tint) with a slight wave down to about midback, BANGS HOLYSHIT BANGS, pretty eyes, a good smile, and curves. I actually prefer my women slightly meatier than she was, but even as an incredibly slim little thing, she had nice curves.

3: And it's very worth noting that I'm not sure there is a significantly noticeable difference in actions between how I am behaving when I feel like a girl and when I feel like a boy. It is all mental, and while some of that may come out in accent and countenance, not all of it does. Someone watch me the next time I flirt with Herbert⁴, and tell me whether they can see a difference from how I flirt with straight men.

4: Chosen because she is far and away the straight girl I flirt with the most, and in ways some would potentially consider serious. I have no interest in having a proper relationship with her, not when we have such a lovely friendship, but I also want to court her as properly and as in gentlemanly a fashion as I possibly can.