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Jan. 27th, 2012 10:11 pmHello! This is a stalkery, information-gathering post! However, it is not a screened-comment stalkery, information-gathering post, so do be aware that anything you say to me is available to the world.
I have been having a conversation on Fetlife about the fact that Sparr is not my sir, and it annoys both me and [sir] that people keep assuming this to be the case. Someone pointed out that Sparr and I really give off the dom/sub vibe, and since [sir] isn't out as poly or kinky, of course people are going to make this assumption. Their point of view is that assumptions are inevitable, and it's best to know (and change?) the cues that I'm making which cause these assumptions.
My general opinion on the matter is that, yes, people are going to make assumptions no matter what. But I am able to separate my thoughts from my actions, and able to think about my assumptions and try not to make comments based on them.1 Especially because the Sorcyress is known to be a mouthy little bit, and she'll happily answer just about any direct question you pose her, about anything in her life (but especially relationships.)
1: related: trying to find a word for at work that isn't sir or ma'am to identify strangers who it would be inappropriate to ask the gender of, see also, all customers. Yes ALL. The most femme of feminine girl-shaped things may in fact still identify as male, and I don't want to be the asshole who misgenders him and make him feel bad.
Add on to all this, and you have a close friend of mine, and their partner. This close friend doesn't particularly care for the words boyfriend or girlfriend, and has expressed such to me. When I am talking about their partner, I now do my best not to refer to them as "their boyfriend", and instead refer to them as "their partner." It occurs to me that if one friend has this preference, others might as well. SO!
What word(s) do you prefer to have used to define the relationship between you and your partner(s)? Obviously in a perfect world, no one would be described in terms of another, but sometimes it gives quite a bit more context to say "so-and-so's partner" rather than "that random person" (especially if you are like me and bad at names.)
As always, in the interest of fair information exchange, here are mine:
And a few more non-romantic/sexual but still better-than-mere-'friends':
I have been having a conversation on Fetlife about the fact that Sparr is not my sir, and it annoys both me and [sir] that people keep assuming this to be the case. Someone pointed out that Sparr and I really give off the dom/sub vibe, and since [sir] isn't out as poly or kinky, of course people are going to make this assumption. Their point of view is that assumptions are inevitable, and it's best to know (and change?) the cues that I'm making which cause these assumptions.
My general opinion on the matter is that, yes, people are going to make assumptions no matter what. But I am able to separate my thoughts from my actions, and able to think about my assumptions and try not to make comments based on them.1 Especially because the Sorcyress is known to be a mouthy little bit, and she'll happily answer just about any direct question you pose her, about anything in her life (but especially relationships.)
1: related: trying to find a word for at work that isn't sir or ma'am to identify strangers who it would be inappropriate to ask the gender of, see also, all customers. Yes ALL. The most femme of feminine girl-shaped things may in fact still identify as male, and I don't want to be the asshole who misgenders him and make him feel bad.
Add on to all this, and you have a close friend of mine, and their partner. This close friend doesn't particularly care for the words boyfriend or girlfriend, and has expressed such to me. When I am talking about their partner, I now do my best not to refer to them as "their boyfriend", and instead refer to them as "their partner." It occurs to me that if one friend has this preference, others might as well. SO!
What word(s) do you prefer to have used to define the relationship between you and your partner(s)? Obviously in a perfect world, no one would be described in terms of another, but sometimes it gives quite a bit more context to say "so-and-so's partner" rather than "that random person" (especially if you are like me and bad at names.)
As always, in the interest of fair information exchange, here are mine:
- All (serious) partners: We are partners, they are my beloved, we are contract mates, we are significant others.
- [sir] (who continues to be not out as poly or kinky, but if you've ever seen us together, it's probably a little bit obvious that we're more-than-friends): He is my sir, I am his toy, I am his girl, we are boyfriend/girlfriend.
- Sparr: We are boyfriend/girlfriend, he is my Atlanta-boy (*crosses fingers!*), he is my rigger, he is my top, I am his toy.
- mek: We are clones, we are boyfriend/girlfriend, he is my California-boy, he is my father (or internet-father), I am his son.
- Magus: We are boyfriend/girlfriend. He is my Bos-no-wait-fucking-New-Jersey boyfriend.
And a few more non-romantic/sexual but still better-than-mere-'friends':
- Veronica: She is my best friend and I love her.
- Ria: She is my former-future roommate, we are moirails (or 'rails), we are "that's one of those weird Homestuck things, isn't it?"
- Lex: We are kismesis...es.... That's a tricky pluralization. Yes, it's another one of those weird Homestuck things. We are arch-nemesises NO IT'S NOT EASIER WHEN IT'S A REAL WORD.
- Nurit: We are roommates.
- Genni: We are roommates.
This is absolutely prompting me to rewrite my "important people in my life" post, and I may very well work on that shortly. But now it's your turn! What term(s) do you like best for that special someone(s) in your life? Are they your wife? Your boyfriend? Your "guy who shares my bed and cooks me dinner and gives me kisses"? Your eternal sex slave? Your true love everlasting? Which term do you want me to use when I'm gossiping about you?
~Sor
MOOP!
