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Jan. 15th, 2019 10:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressHoboy. Rather than write any words whatsoever in here while I was at the TMC meeting, I just fucked around on dreamwidth and caught up on my friends' lives. But then, I didn't really write comments there either (just a few to Josh I think) so maybe I was essentially entirely useless.
I'm in a _really_ splendid mood right now though, perhaps by dint of caloric consumption and exposure to social life. That is a good thing to be aware of, especially as the amount of social media I consume ebbs and flows. It is good for me to read long-form musings from my friends about their lives. It tells me about Keshwyn's basement adventures and Laura's new years resolutions and Josh's visit with his son and news of the ratties and all kinds of other things! Like the fact that my best friend has knitted a blanket that is longer than my commute, which is...damn cool actually.
It's also a little surprising that I'm in a good mood because I did not successfully get my meds this early-evening, which means I had round eight billion of what may be legitimately trauma-induced anxiety around my frequent difficulty to obtain my medication. So yes, yet another panic attack in the middle of Harvard Vanguard was obtained. Here, have some tweetering, because it would be good to archive these somewhere other than the ephemeral sea of bullshit that is twitter proper:
YEP. It feels sometimes like I'm in the middle of a countdown, and when I get to zero, I am labeled "drug-seeker" and no longer allowed to have the controlled substance I use to have even the sub-par executive functioning I manage. But I don't know where I am in the countdown, and I don't know how badly I mess it up each time things go wrong.
I try hard to always be reasonably polite to service personnel, but gawdamn if my instincts don't go into overdrive when trying to talk kindly and without hitches in my breath and tears in my eyes to the pharmacists. I am...so-so. But I never ever push, I ask what can be done, then thank them and walk away and try to solve it another way.
But like I said, I consumed a good Food and talked about Pinewoods stuff at TMC and the meeting got out earlier than expected and now I'm at Austin's house and going to snuggle with him while he shows me Railroad Tycoon, because yeah, watching other people play video games still feels like one of the best kinds of home.
(Note to self, harass my sister and see if she ever streams).
Tomorrow I get to see mama (and bring her to Advent for her second tower grab!) and then there's Arisia and midterms and yayyy! Hope y'all are well! Thank you for making posts, even if I didn't read all of them.
~Sor
MOOP!
(posted this morning since I forgot to post last night. Not sure what that will do to post-time)
I'm in a _really_ splendid mood right now though, perhaps by dint of caloric consumption and exposure to social life. That is a good thing to be aware of, especially as the amount of social media I consume ebbs and flows. It is good for me to read long-form musings from my friends about their lives. It tells me about Keshwyn's basement adventures and Laura's new years resolutions and Josh's visit with his son and news of the ratties and all kinds of other things! Like the fact that my best friend has knitted a blanket that is longer than my commute, which is...damn cool actually.
It's also a little surprising that I'm in a good mood because I did not successfully get my meds this early-evening, which means I had round eight billion of what may be legitimately trauma-induced anxiety around my frequent difficulty to obtain my medication. So yes, yet another panic attack in the middle of Harvard Vanguard was obtained. Here, have some tweetering, because it would be good to archive these somewhere other than the ephemeral sea of bullshit that is twitter proper:
One of the _many_ bad things about my trauma around my meds is the fear that if I am visibly distraught, I will be labeled a drug-seeker
And I am _always_ distraught. As soon as I get the slightest whiff of "something is not right" my brain falls to absolute pieces.
It is the most consistent way to induce a sobbing breakdown panic attack in me. My brain cannot be reasonable or rational.
(I don't die without my meds. That's the only small advantage. But I lose _so much_ of who I am. I am so much worse, unmedicated)
Anyways, I called them in on the 4th and internal medicine has that paper trail, but apparently never brought a hard copy rx to pharmacy
And when your rx is a controlled substance, they don't dispense without a hard copy.
So I'm gonna try and pull myself together enough to go to TMC without being a complete sobbing trainwreck, and pretend I'm not scared.
(please don't let this have been the time I fucked it up for myself for good, please don't let me lose this forever, please.)
YEP. It feels sometimes like I'm in the middle of a countdown, and when I get to zero, I am labeled "drug-seeker" and no longer allowed to have the controlled substance I use to have even the sub-par executive functioning I manage. But I don't know where I am in the countdown, and I don't know how badly I mess it up each time things go wrong.
I try hard to always be reasonably polite to service personnel, but gawdamn if my instincts don't go into overdrive when trying to talk kindly and without hitches in my breath and tears in my eyes to the pharmacists. I am...so-so. But I never ever push, I ask what can be done, then thank them and walk away and try to solve it another way.
But like I said, I consumed a good Food and talked about Pinewoods stuff at TMC and the meeting got out earlier than expected and now I'm at Austin's house and going to snuggle with him while he shows me Railroad Tycoon, because yeah, watching other people play video games still feels like one of the best kinds of home.
(Note to self, harass my sister and see if she ever streams).
Tomorrow I get to see mama (and bring her to Advent for her second tower grab!) and then there's Arisia and midterms and yayyy! Hope y'all are well! Thank you for making posts, even if I didn't read all of them.
~Sor
MOOP!
(posted this morning since I forgot to post last night. Not sure what that will do to post-time)
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on 2019-01-16 03:55 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2019-01-16 06:29 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2019-01-16 09:17 pm (UTC)