Existing is hard.
Nov. 8th, 2018 03:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressYesterday should have been good.
I went to the pharmacy and got my meds and a flu shot, then I did a pokeraid and got the giraffe-dragon-bug thing and then I went home and made dinner and did a *whole* power hour, and yeah, the dinner part was also reading randomly from the middle of By The Sword, but after I went upstairs I actually did a very small amount of cleaning my room. Maybe twenty minutes worth?
But just...by the time I got to bed, I felt so fucking inadequete, and that's the thing that really annoys me about my gods-be-damned perfection oriented brain, that I can have a day that is, by all accounts, largely a Good Day, and I can actually do some small amount of work, but my brain is immediately lashing out at every single "good" aspect of it to point out why it's not enough.
I got my meds...but I called them in almost a week late (and now I'm running super low on extras). I got a flu shot...which I haven't done in my entire adult life which is shit. I made dinner1...but I didn't bother to put, like, a vegetable in it2. I cleaned my room...a very very small amount and the majority of the place is still a clusterfuck.
Perfect is the enemy of good, and I know that I need to at least try to Do The Thing, but it's incredibly frustrating to have a brain that makes me feel shit if I Don't Do The Thing At All but also feel shit if I Do The Thing But Not Good Enough. And like, I am _well_ aware that "Good Enough" requires approximately solving a millennium problem3 the same week I win six Hugos and the Caldecott while ringing an extent of Stedman Royal, but knowing that Good Enough is a functional impossibility doesn't actually make me feel any better about not reaching it.
So I dunno. Today has been _okay_ --I'm still at school, but I spent a bunch of time ignoring the endless list of things I could be doing here in favour of going through my email inbox. It's...the numbers aren't good right now. I'd like them to be back to something reasonable someday. I should really go to the political rally being held at five, but I'm just...so seriously tired right now.
More inbox fuckery. I wonder how long it will last this time! Maybe someday I'll do some actual work-work stuff too.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Bonus Not-Good-Enough points for the fact that this is a pasta brand I've bought and made at least a dozen times, and it took until the second most recent, when I was making it with Austin, to actually learn how to cook it so it tastes not just tolerable but good. This is one of the really hard things about not having grown up in cooking culture, things like reading the package and seeing "cook for two minutes until tender" and assuming then that I just need to cook for two minutes. If I actually go a little longer ("until tender") then holy wow, it tastes _so much better_ and like...how come I couldn't have been doing them like that from the beginning?
2: Admittedly, I did eat an entire carton of mushrooms alongside my bowl of pasta, but that was at least a little bit a ranch-dressing delivery system. On the plus side, now my mushrooms won't go bad before I have a chance to eat them, which is why I'm largely not allowed to buy perishable food. :/
3: This...is a normal thing that normal people daydream about, right? Right???
I went to the pharmacy and got my meds and a flu shot, then I did a pokeraid and got the giraffe-dragon-bug thing and then I went home and made dinner and did a *whole* power hour, and yeah, the dinner part was also reading randomly from the middle of By The Sword, but after I went upstairs I actually did a very small amount of cleaning my room. Maybe twenty minutes worth?
But just...by the time I got to bed, I felt so fucking inadequete, and that's the thing that really annoys me about my gods-be-damned perfection oriented brain, that I can have a day that is, by all accounts, largely a Good Day, and I can actually do some small amount of work, but my brain is immediately lashing out at every single "good" aspect of it to point out why it's not enough.
I got my meds...but I called them in almost a week late (and now I'm running super low on extras). I got a flu shot...which I haven't done in my entire adult life which is shit. I made dinner1...but I didn't bother to put, like, a vegetable in it2. I cleaned my room...a very very small amount and the majority of the place is still a clusterfuck.
Perfect is the enemy of good, and I know that I need to at least try to Do The Thing, but it's incredibly frustrating to have a brain that makes me feel shit if I Don't Do The Thing At All but also feel shit if I Do The Thing But Not Good Enough. And like, I am _well_ aware that "Good Enough" requires approximately solving a millennium problem3 the same week I win six Hugos and the Caldecott while ringing an extent of Stedman Royal, but knowing that Good Enough is a functional impossibility doesn't actually make me feel any better about not reaching it.
So I dunno. Today has been _okay_ --I'm still at school, but I spent a bunch of time ignoring the endless list of things I could be doing here in favour of going through my email inbox. It's...the numbers aren't good right now. I'd like them to be back to something reasonable someday. I should really go to the political rally being held at five, but I'm just...so seriously tired right now.
More inbox fuckery. I wonder how long it will last this time! Maybe someday I'll do some actual work-work stuff too.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Bonus Not-Good-Enough points for the fact that this is a pasta brand I've bought and made at least a dozen times, and it took until the second most recent, when I was making it with Austin, to actually learn how to cook it so it tastes not just tolerable but good. This is one of the really hard things about not having grown up in cooking culture, things like reading the package and seeing "cook for two minutes until tender" and assuming then that I just need to cook for two minutes. If I actually go a little longer ("until tender") then holy wow, it tastes _so much better_ and like...how come I couldn't have been doing them like that from the beginning?
2: Admittedly, I did eat an entire carton of mushrooms alongside my bowl of pasta, but that was at least a little bit a ranch-dressing delivery system. On the plus side, now my mushrooms won't go bad before I have a chance to eat them, which is why I'm largely not allowed to buy perishable food. :/
3: This...is a normal thing that normal people daydream about, right? Right???