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sorcyressIt's pretty cool that my first post in over two months is gonna be one hundred percent trigger-warning material. And by pretty cool, I mean ugggghhhh. Anyways, content warning for rape, sexual assault, and generally asshole behaviors. Read it anyways, especially if you're cis-dude-aligned.
I spent a bunch of my Monday morning ops shift catching up on Twitter and reading about the Aziz Ansari thing. Which is...like...this is my rape. I mean, this is also why I don't always call my rape "rape" and tend to hedge with "sexual assault", but seriously, being worn down and asked over and over and over again to do things and presented with a situation where no just literally wasn't an option and *shudders*.
And it's especially tough when we're dealing with a narrative where men don't interpret a "no". Because I may or may not have actually said no to my rapist (or "I'd rather not" or "maybe later" or "I'm not really into that" or "um" or long periods of awkward silence) but that absolute shitlord used to get himself off pressed against my back while I cried. I genuinely don't think he knew. It's not that I'm a stealth lord of sobbing, I just genuinely don't think he cared enough about his partner to identify whether or not I was crying.
Pro tip: you should always be able to tell if your (non-kinky) sex partner is crying. If you're so wrapped up in yourself that you can't even notice something so basic as _literal tears coming out of their eyes_, then you do not deserve to be having sex with another human being. Also, because people suck and so someone needs to hear this said, if your non-kinky sex partner is crying while the two of you are having sex, fucking stop immediately, and maybe don't initiate any sort of more sex until they have given you an unambiguous AND ENTHUSIASTIC yes.
Like, I don't always go for the concept of enthusiastic consent, because I've had sex with people I loved where it was "I'm not super horny right now, but sure, I'd be genuinely happy to get you off because you are." Sometimes it turned into actual enthusiastic mutual-times, and sometimes it was just one person servicing the other (like when I help with the laundry or wash the dishes or do other tasks that I don't find inherently unpleasant but make my partner happier).
But if your partner was crying, if your partner was giving you a soft no, if your partner does not seem happy and into it, stop asking them. Do not ask again for sexual favours. They are aware you want sexy times. Leave it be until they come to you, or they otherwise communicate with you that they want you to keep initiating.
The morning I woke up to him sticking his fingers in my ass was fucking awful, but it was also so clear that the line had been crossed. It was the final thing I needed to be able to say "yep, we're done here" and break up with him1. In retrospect though, it's those other times that hurt more. I didn't know any better, he was the first person I'd ever done any meatspace sexual things with. I think I intellectually understood that sex where one person was crying was not good sex, but I couldn't connect that to what was actually happening to me.
Ten years and twenty-two2 sexual relationships later, and I still get weird sometimes when a penis-enabled person is spooning me from behind. Like, what should be a comforting gesture --and can often be a really sexy one (because mm, grinding back against an erection yesplease)-- is sometimes shattered by my brain because This Feels Too Much Like That Kind Of Pain.
So we're having a discussion across the internet about "but when I ask her _ten_ times she says yes and that means she wanted it!" and "I don't think regretful sex was a _real_ assault" and "it's so hard to figure out what women really want, amirite?" and I just...
You all know. You are all capable of knowing. I know you are, because I've gone slightly shutdowny in times since and every single man who's witnessed it has pulled away and pet my hair and stopped and cuddled until I could continue (even if that meant another night). The men I date are not somehow exceptional in this way3, they are simply emotionally aware of what is going on, AND unwilling to have sex their partner isn't into. It takes a special kind of asshole to think their right to an orgasm trumps their partner's humanity.
I don't have passive sex. I don't lie there (and cry) while you rub against my body. When I want to have a sexual encounter, I am enthusiastic and passionate. I move, I smile, I make happy little noises, I initiate forms of touch, I ask questions, I laugh, I give encouragement, I talk dirty, I engage. I'm pretty sure that there are more people (more women) like me than not --and if all the sex you've had has been with people not reacting, you may want to rethink your methods. If nothing else, I assure you it's a lot hotter when you know they want it too.
Don't have sex with people who don't actively want to have sex with you.
Seriously. This isn't even necessarily a conversation about "no" or wheedling or the thrill of the chase or "if I ask one more time maybe the answer will change (because she'll be aware I don't respect boundaries and scared enough to just acquiesce long enough to escape)". But don't have sex with people who don't actively want to have sex with you too, because jegus why in good fuck's name would you want to do that to yourself? I promise you, this world is absolutely marvelous and weird and crazy and there is a person out there who would want to have passionate mutual sexytimes with you, but you're never going to find them if you can't treat your partners as more than a warm hole for your fucking ego.
And fucking seriously, if your partner is crying you have fucked up and should feel bad, Mark4.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: And thank god he wasn't a violent man, because I broke up with him, naked, in his bed a few minutes after he had explicitly violated my boundaries. There was nothing going to protect me if he decided to lash out.
2: "why do you know the exact num--" I keep a file. It also lists the 55 people I've kissed (non-platonically) and the 17 people I've had a serious relationship with. It's only creepy if you dislike the fact that my brain is not contained solely on my internal hard drive. I find life so much easier to keep track of when I write it down.
3: Although they do tend to be in many others, woo baby!
4: kSatyr's name is spelled with a k, not a c.
I spent a bunch of my Monday morning ops shift catching up on Twitter and reading about the Aziz Ansari thing. Which is...like...this is my rape. I mean, this is also why I don't always call my rape "rape" and tend to hedge with "sexual assault", but seriously, being worn down and asked over and over and over again to do things and presented with a situation where no just literally wasn't an option and *shudders*.
And it's especially tough when we're dealing with a narrative where men don't interpret a "no". Because I may or may not have actually said no to my rapist (or "I'd rather not" or "maybe later" or "I'm not really into that" or "um" or long periods of awkward silence) but that absolute shitlord used to get himself off pressed against my back while I cried. I genuinely don't think he knew. It's not that I'm a stealth lord of sobbing, I just genuinely don't think he cared enough about his partner to identify whether or not I was crying.
Pro tip: you should always be able to tell if your (non-kinky) sex partner is crying. If you're so wrapped up in yourself that you can't even notice something so basic as _literal tears coming out of their eyes_, then you do not deserve to be having sex with another human being. Also, because people suck and so someone needs to hear this said, if your non-kinky sex partner is crying while the two of you are having sex, fucking stop immediately, and maybe don't initiate any sort of more sex until they have given you an unambiguous AND ENTHUSIASTIC yes.
Like, I don't always go for the concept of enthusiastic consent, because I've had sex with people I loved where it was "I'm not super horny right now, but sure, I'd be genuinely happy to get you off because you are." Sometimes it turned into actual enthusiastic mutual-times, and sometimes it was just one person servicing the other (like when I help with the laundry or wash the dishes or do other tasks that I don't find inherently unpleasant but make my partner happier).
But if your partner was crying, if your partner was giving you a soft no, if your partner does not seem happy and into it, stop asking them. Do not ask again for sexual favours. They are aware you want sexy times. Leave it be until they come to you, or they otherwise communicate with you that they want you to keep initiating.
The morning I woke up to him sticking his fingers in my ass was fucking awful, but it was also so clear that the line had been crossed. It was the final thing I needed to be able to say "yep, we're done here" and break up with him1. In retrospect though, it's those other times that hurt more. I didn't know any better, he was the first person I'd ever done any meatspace sexual things with. I think I intellectually understood that sex where one person was crying was not good sex, but I couldn't connect that to what was actually happening to me.
Ten years and twenty-two2 sexual relationships later, and I still get weird sometimes when a penis-enabled person is spooning me from behind. Like, what should be a comforting gesture --and can often be a really sexy one (because mm, grinding back against an erection yesplease)-- is sometimes shattered by my brain because This Feels Too Much Like That Kind Of Pain.
So we're having a discussion across the internet about "but when I ask her _ten_ times she says yes and that means she wanted it!" and "I don't think regretful sex was a _real_ assault" and "it's so hard to figure out what women really want, amirite?" and I just...
You all know. You are all capable of knowing. I know you are, because I've gone slightly shutdowny in times since and every single man who's witnessed it has pulled away and pet my hair and stopped and cuddled until I could continue (even if that meant another night). The men I date are not somehow exceptional in this way3, they are simply emotionally aware of what is going on, AND unwilling to have sex their partner isn't into. It takes a special kind of asshole to think their right to an orgasm trumps their partner's humanity.
I don't have passive sex. I don't lie there (and cry) while you rub against my body. When I want to have a sexual encounter, I am enthusiastic and passionate. I move, I smile, I make happy little noises, I initiate forms of touch, I ask questions, I laugh, I give encouragement, I talk dirty, I engage. I'm pretty sure that there are more people (more women) like me than not --and if all the sex you've had has been with people not reacting, you may want to rethink your methods. If nothing else, I assure you it's a lot hotter when you know they want it too.
Don't have sex with people who don't actively want to have sex with you.
Seriously. This isn't even necessarily a conversation about "no" or wheedling or the thrill of the chase or "if I ask one more time maybe the answer will change (because she'll be aware I don't respect boundaries and scared enough to just acquiesce long enough to escape)". But don't have sex with people who don't actively want to have sex with you too, because jegus why in good fuck's name would you want to do that to yourself? I promise you, this world is absolutely marvelous and weird and crazy and there is a person out there who would want to have passionate mutual sexytimes with you, but you're never going to find them if you can't treat your partners as more than a warm hole for your fucking ego.
And fucking seriously, if your partner is crying you have fucked up and should feel bad, Mark4.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: And thank god he wasn't a violent man, because I broke up with him, naked, in his bed a few minutes after he had explicitly violated my boundaries. There was nothing going to protect me if he decided to lash out.
2: "why do you know the exact num--" I keep a file. It also lists the 55 people I've kissed (non-platonically) and the 17 people I've had a serious relationship with. It's only creepy if you dislike the fact that my brain is not contained solely on my internal hard drive. I find life so much easier to keep track of when I write it down.
3: Although they do tend to be in many others, woo baby!
4: kSatyr's name is spelled with a k, not a c.