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sorcyressSo that was California. And now I am returning home, flying through the night, while re-reading The Paladin Protocol for the eighty-seventh time (approximately). Leaving a place where I could comfortably go outside in a t-shirt (swoon!) in order to return to Canada 21 seems...weirdly transformative, honestly.
(It doesn't hurt that this was the first time I've taken my focus-meds in eight days. I know how much more Real they make me feel, I just need to ensure my life works out such so that I always have a sufficient supply of them, and don't accidentally completely fail to go to the pharmacy due to snow.)
So I want to ride this, I want to let it transform me. I want to return to Hoth1 a better person than I was when I left it. I don't exactly know how to do that, I don't know that visiting mek changed me any. But I want to become that which I deserve.
I deserve someone fantastic when I look in the mirror. I deserve someone clever and creative. I deserve someone motivated and accomplished. I have all the potential to be a damn fine human being, good, now fucking do that.
Do the thing. Be grand.
The Fimbulwinter1 is brutal and unyielding. It will wrap itself around me and squeeze away all the energy-enthusiasm-hope I can contain. It will convince me that "just one more episode" or "maybe Tumblr?" or "six hours video games?" are correct things. It has been, and will continue to, drain me of everything that makes me alive.
But I have smelled petrichor and I have seen dandelions erupted into seeds. I have felt sunshine on my bare arms. I have reminded myself that spring exists, that it will emerge soon, and maybe that's all the transformation I have been looking for. That though the weather outside be frightful, the world is still circling the sun, and that means there will be flowers soon.
I think I can hold on to that. I think I can let it make me wonderful.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Boston.
(It doesn't hurt that this was the first time I've taken my focus-meds in eight days. I know how much more Real they make me feel, I just need to ensure my life works out such so that I always have a sufficient supply of them, and don't accidentally completely fail to go to the pharmacy due to snow.)
So I want to ride this, I want to let it transform me. I want to return to Hoth1 a better person than I was when I left it. I don't exactly know how to do that, I don't know that visiting mek changed me any. But I want to become that which I deserve.
I deserve someone fantastic when I look in the mirror. I deserve someone clever and creative. I deserve someone motivated and accomplished. I have all the potential to be a damn fine human being, good, now fucking do that.
Do the thing. Be grand.
The Fimbulwinter1 is brutal and unyielding. It will wrap itself around me and squeeze away all the energy-enthusiasm-hope I can contain. It will convince me that "just one more episode" or "maybe Tumblr?" or "six hours video games?" are correct things. It has been, and will continue to, drain me of everything that makes me alive.
But I have smelled petrichor and I have seen dandelions erupted into seeds. I have felt sunshine on my bare arms. I have reminded myself that spring exists, that it will emerge soon, and maybe that's all the transformation I have been looking for. That though the weather outside be frightful, the world is still circling the sun, and that means there will be flowers soon.
I think I can hold on to that. I think I can let it make me wonderful.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Boston.