Nakedness, Vaginas, and Monologues
Feb. 10th, 2015 06:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressSeveral weeks ago, a friend of mine had an idea to do a mini-production of The Vagina Monologues. This would differ from the traditional v-day scene in a few ways. It would not be performed in a theatre, but in her kitchen (which while a very large kitchen probably only seated 20-30 people). She would not have a cast comprised entirely of cis woman readers, instead including genderqueer individuals and people with penises. And it would be done entirely in the nude.
The evening before it was to occur, I received a text from her that was basically "hey, I had some drop-outs, you had enthusiasm for this project, would you like to read?"
I do not do nudity. In 2011, I wrote a pretty decent post on the subject, and I stand by basically all the reasons in it. In 2012, I wrote another post on the subject, that listed a more significant reason for my reluctance towards nudity(Trigger warning!!), one I had not previously considered. I stand by that reason even more. I do not do casual nudity, because I have been taught very thoroughly that if people see me naked, they will expect0(obligate) to have sex with me.
So I immediately said yes, of course. But given the above, let's talk about why.
The most obvious reason is simply that this sounded like a cool idea, and I like being a part of making cool ideas happen. I thoroughly want to live a life full of adventure, and one of the easiest ways to do that is to say yes to adventurous things as they come your way. Do The Thing is Racheline's recent mantra, and it's a _really good idea_.
Similarly obvious, to me at least, was the fact that my friend asked me to, and it would help Make Her Life Easier. I wrote just the other day about how I pretty much exist in order to Make Other People's Lives Easier. That's not to say I'm not capable of the sentence "I'd love to, but I just can't" --I keep it in mind as a thing and use it liberally. But when I *can* do something to help out a friend, I absolutely want to.
Less obvious: I crave the spotlight. I love performing, and even when I get super shaky afterwards, I feel _really_ good about being onstage and doing something in front of people. Bonus points if I can make them laugh --and I could, I read "Because He Liked to Look at It" which is one of the happy ones1. I also got hooked in to be one of the three people for the introduction, and tapped to be the question-asker for "I asked a six year old about her vagina". I like being on stage.
Not obvious, but most important: I hate being scared of things.
I hate having phobias (which has led to me actively encouraging Natasha to let me play with her rattie3 even though he skitters and has tiny claws) and I hate having things to worry about and I hate having legitimate fears. I hate not having control over my mind and body and Self. I cannot stand the idea that I could be bested by something that terrifies me, because damnit, no!
I am stubborn. I am _so very_ stubborn, and also patient, and I'm not going to let fear or discomfort stand in my head if I can do something about it. Often, the something is aversion therapy, is taking my fear and confronting it head on, because if I confront it head on, then I am the one in charge and in control of the situation.
I have discomfort, bordering on fear, of being naked in front of people. That is _not okay_ with me. One asshole from eight years ago does not get to ruin my ability to decide when and how to present my body. And so doing things like this --where I am thrust into the spotlight, and forced to be naked, with people looking-- are a way to show my stupid hindbrain just that.
(this same friend has asked me to come live model sometime, when schedules line up. I am *super* interested)
Not obvious: Because I wanted to. Because there were lots of my friends in attendance. Because I was trying to impress at least three girls. (and once I got there and saw the rest of the guestlist, at least one boy). Because my body is toned from years of dancing and bicycling and because I have scars like lightning4 and like the moon5 and want to show all that off.
Because, like I said, if you're gonna lead a life of adventure, the first thing you have to do is say "yes" a lot. You have to create your stories before you can tell them6.
It was a good time and I am proud of myself for doing it.
~Sor
MOOP!
0: Expect means predict and expect means obligate, and I have started adding the extra words to defeat the ambiguity.
1: I find almost all of the Vagina Monologues to be sad, even the happy ones. Because underneath the joy (mine, Coochie Snorcher, The Woman who Loved...) there are always these tragic undercurrents that just strike home the fact that people are not supposed to like vaginas, that they are gross and weird and smelly, and that for centuries, they were a completely ignored (insignificant!) part of the body.
I grew up with better sex-ed than nearly anyone I know, and one of the pieces that was so great is that I never had any shame about my vulva or vagina. I was always able to ask questions, I was encouraged2 to masturbate, and I was given accurate and useful information about menstruation, long before it became relevant. So the entirety of the Vagina Monologues is a reminder of just _how_ lucky I was, and how deeply, actively, unlucky most people with vaginas are.
2: I don't know that this is exactly the right word to use, it's not like she told us "hey go have a good wank!" or anything, but she always made it very clear that it was a completely acceptable thing to do in the privacy of our own rooms, and that she wouldn't disturb us. She talked it up as a great alternative to having sex with teenagers (I think she is entirely right). It is a wonderful form of self-care and self-awareness, and I do it often.
3: Oh gosh, he's really cute. He might be the cutest non-human mammal I know right now. (This is not hard, I am not particularly fond of non-human mammals.) He likes exploring and barely uses his claws and his teeth not at all (so mostly does not trip my tiny-sharp-bits phobia) and he is not small enough nor does he move fast enough most of the time to trigger my skitter-phobia and I am enjoying interacting with him immensely when 'Tasha and I hang out.
Anyways, normally I'm phobic about things that skitter (includes rats) and things that have really tiny teeth and claws (includes rats) so I try to make a point of interacting with rats as much as possible.
4: I had reason to twist around and look at myself recently, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that I have cellulite and it is looks like lightning, dancing across the tops of my thighs and bottom of my ass. It is, right now, one of my very favourite things about my physical self.
5: Facts I make sure everyone knows about me as quickly as possible: I have a long scar on my back, curved like a crescent, from my heart surgery as a very small child. It is pretty much the top of my list of favourite things about my physical self.
6: And storytellers never die. Have I mentioned that I am going to be immortal? I am not joking.
The evening before it was to occur, I received a text from her that was basically "hey, I had some drop-outs, you had enthusiasm for this project, would you like to read?"
I do not do nudity. In 2011, I wrote a pretty decent post on the subject, and I stand by basically all the reasons in it. In 2012, I wrote another post on the subject, that listed a more significant reason for my reluctance towards nudity(Trigger warning!!), one I had not previously considered. I stand by that reason even more. I do not do casual nudity, because I have been taught very thoroughly that if people see me naked, they will expect0(obligate) to have sex with me.
So I immediately said yes, of course. But given the above, let's talk about why.
The most obvious reason is simply that this sounded like a cool idea, and I like being a part of making cool ideas happen. I thoroughly want to live a life full of adventure, and one of the easiest ways to do that is to say yes to adventurous things as they come your way. Do The Thing is Racheline's recent mantra, and it's a _really good idea_.
Similarly obvious, to me at least, was the fact that my friend asked me to, and it would help Make Her Life Easier. I wrote just the other day about how I pretty much exist in order to Make Other People's Lives Easier. That's not to say I'm not capable of the sentence "I'd love to, but I just can't" --I keep it in mind as a thing and use it liberally. But when I *can* do something to help out a friend, I absolutely want to.
Less obvious: I crave the spotlight. I love performing, and even when I get super shaky afterwards, I feel _really_ good about being onstage and doing something in front of people. Bonus points if I can make them laugh --and I could, I read "Because He Liked to Look at It" which is one of the happy ones1. I also got hooked in to be one of the three people for the introduction, and tapped to be the question-asker for "I asked a six year old about her vagina". I like being on stage.
Not obvious, but most important: I hate being scared of things.
I hate having phobias (which has led to me actively encouraging Natasha to let me play with her rattie3 even though he skitters and has tiny claws) and I hate having things to worry about and I hate having legitimate fears. I hate not having control over my mind and body and Self. I cannot stand the idea that I could be bested by something that terrifies me, because damnit, no!
I am stubborn. I am _so very_ stubborn, and also patient, and I'm not going to let fear or discomfort stand in my head if I can do something about it. Often, the something is aversion therapy, is taking my fear and confronting it head on, because if I confront it head on, then I am the one in charge and in control of the situation.
I have discomfort, bordering on fear, of being naked in front of people. That is _not okay_ with me. One asshole from eight years ago does not get to ruin my ability to decide when and how to present my body. And so doing things like this --where I am thrust into the spotlight, and forced to be naked, with people looking-- are a way to show my stupid hindbrain just that.
(this same friend has asked me to come live model sometime, when schedules line up. I am *super* interested)
Not obvious: Because I wanted to. Because there were lots of my friends in attendance. Because I was trying to impress at least three girls. (and once I got there and saw the rest of the guestlist, at least one boy). Because my body is toned from years of dancing and bicycling and because I have scars like lightning4 and like the moon5 and want to show all that off.
Because, like I said, if you're gonna lead a life of adventure, the first thing you have to do is say "yes" a lot. You have to create your stories before you can tell them6.
It was a good time and I am proud of myself for doing it.
~Sor
MOOP!
0: Expect means predict and expect means obligate, and I have started adding the extra words to defeat the ambiguity.
1: I find almost all of the Vagina Monologues to be sad, even the happy ones. Because underneath the joy (mine, Coochie Snorcher, The Woman who Loved...) there are always these tragic undercurrents that just strike home the fact that people are not supposed to like vaginas, that they are gross and weird and smelly, and that for centuries, they were a completely ignored (insignificant!) part of the body.
I grew up with better sex-ed than nearly anyone I know, and one of the pieces that was so great is that I never had any shame about my vulva or vagina. I was always able to ask questions, I was encouraged2 to masturbate, and I was given accurate and useful information about menstruation, long before it became relevant. So the entirety of the Vagina Monologues is a reminder of just _how_ lucky I was, and how deeply, actively, unlucky most people with vaginas are.
2: I don't know that this is exactly the right word to use, it's not like she told us "hey go have a good wank!" or anything, but she always made it very clear that it was a completely acceptable thing to do in the privacy of our own rooms, and that she wouldn't disturb us. She talked it up as a great alternative to having sex with teenagers (I think she is entirely right). It is a wonderful form of self-care and self-awareness, and I do it often.
3: Oh gosh, he's really cute. He might be the cutest non-human mammal I know right now. (This is not hard, I am not particularly fond of non-human mammals.) He likes exploring and barely uses his claws and his teeth not at all (so mostly does not trip my tiny-sharp-bits phobia) and he is not small enough nor does he move fast enough most of the time to trigger my skitter-phobia and I am enjoying interacting with him immensely when 'Tasha and I hang out.
Anyways, normally I'm phobic about things that skitter (includes rats) and things that have really tiny teeth and claws (includes rats) so I try to make a point of interacting with rats as much as possible.
4: I had reason to twist around and look at myself recently, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that I have cellulite and it is looks like lightning, dancing across the tops of my thighs and bottom of my ass. It is, right now, one of my very favourite things about my physical self.
5: Facts I make sure everyone knows about me as quickly as possible: I have a long scar on my back, curved like a crescent, from my heart surgery as a very small child. It is pretty much the top of my list of favourite things about my physical self.
6: And storytellers never die. Have I mentioned that I am going to be immortal? I am not joking.