(no subject)
Nov. 9th, 2012 08:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressI need music, too.
My life --when I'm not acting big-D Depressed1, when I'm not terrifying myself with my lack of existence-- has a significant component of introspection to it. I mean, I've kept a livejournal for nine fucking years and I'm not famous. Writing about myself is one of the most central things I do. In just my last post, I discussed that one of the things I need to do to keep myself sane is write, and it's true.
But I need music too. Sanity, stability, the ways that I present whole: these things take more than just a keyoard or pen. I need to eat. I need to get not too little social interaction, and not too much. I need to spend time alone, doing nothing of import. I need sunshine, and warmth, and physical comfort.
And I need music. For more than half my life, until I was blessed with a computer of my own in 2003, I existed without music of my own. Oh, sometimes I could watch movies and rewind the songs again and again2, but that was dependent on access to the television, a limited and desirable good. But then I had Dmitri, and he lived inside my bedroom, and not too long after I learned that I could put music I had heard onto his hard drive and listen to it whenever I wanted.
I don't often try to categorize the pivotal moments of my emotional development, but that well ought to be on the list. Because it took very little time at all until I actually started using that music: to distract, to lift, to heal.
And I still don't think of myself as musical. I have no identity invested in the fact that I require the voices of a thousand others to settle the ones inside my own devilish head. And so periods go by -a week, two, three- where I don't listen at all. They're always horrible. More so because it can take so long to figure out what is wrong at all. And even when I do...it's somedays so hard to fix.
I don't want to overwhelm my roommates3 with my music (especially not at the volumes I require --remember I live much of my life with an intensity overwhelming), so I do not play it aloud. Nor do I want to shut myself off socially, so I do not play it in headphones. And so long goes by where I do not play music at all.
This post is a reminder to stop that. In recent days I have been with friends who leave their music on in the background, something to lean against as they perform their days. I want that to be my home. Because I need music.
And maybe writing that down will help remind me.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I'm not, to the best of my knowledge, Depressed. I exhibit symptoms sometimes, but as far as I can tell, they're well within the bounds of neurotypical mood swings.
2: Labyrinth and Cats were probably the two most common offenders. To this day, I can sing every word of Dance Magic Dance *and* do all the voices.
3: I mean, I do play it sometimes when I'm on my computer in the living room, or when I'm trying to cook. My roommates are totally fine with that. But sometimes, I justwantneed to play the same song fifty times in a row at 11 and I am not so uncouth as to think that would not bother others.
My life --when I'm not acting big-D Depressed1, when I'm not terrifying myself with my lack of existence-- has a significant component of introspection to it. I mean, I've kept a livejournal for nine fucking years and I'm not famous. Writing about myself is one of the most central things I do. In just my last post, I discussed that one of the things I need to do to keep myself sane is write, and it's true.
But I need music too. Sanity, stability, the ways that I present whole: these things take more than just a keyoard or pen. I need to eat. I need to get not too little social interaction, and not too much. I need to spend time alone, doing nothing of import. I need sunshine, and warmth, and physical comfort.
And I need music. For more than half my life, until I was blessed with a computer of my own in 2003, I existed without music of my own. Oh, sometimes I could watch movies and rewind the songs again and again2, but that was dependent on access to the television, a limited and desirable good. But then I had Dmitri, and he lived inside my bedroom, and not too long after I learned that I could put music I had heard onto his hard drive and listen to it whenever I wanted.
I don't often try to categorize the pivotal moments of my emotional development, but that well ought to be on the list. Because it took very little time at all until I actually started using that music: to distract, to lift, to heal.
And I still don't think of myself as musical. I have no identity invested in the fact that I require the voices of a thousand others to settle the ones inside my own devilish head. And so periods go by -a week, two, three- where I don't listen at all. They're always horrible. More so because it can take so long to figure out what is wrong at all. And even when I do...it's somedays so hard to fix.
I don't want to overwhelm my roommates3 with my music (especially not at the volumes I require --remember I live much of my life with an intensity overwhelming), so I do not play it aloud. Nor do I want to shut myself off socially, so I do not play it in headphones. And so long goes by where I do not play music at all.
This post is a reminder to stop that. In recent days I have been with friends who leave their music on in the background, something to lean against as they perform their days. I want that to be my home. Because I need music.
And maybe writing that down will help remind me.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: I'm not, to the best of my knowledge, Depressed. I exhibit symptoms sometimes, but as far as I can tell, they're well within the bounds of neurotypical mood swings.
2: Labyrinth and Cats were probably the two most common offenders. To this day, I can sing every word of Dance Magic Dance *and* do all the voices.
3: I mean, I do play it sometimes when I'm on my computer in the living room, or when I'm trying to cook. My roommates are totally fine with that. But sometimes, I just
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2012-11-12 01:27 am (UTC)Warning: Related links are also awesome.