(no subject)
Feb. 9th, 2012 12:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressMy life has shaken out some, and I can see that I have a goal, and that it is worth pursuing. New Years Resolutions are all well and good, but my perpetual aim in life remains "introspect, find flaws, fix them."
I'm pretty fucking good at the first two parts. I'm getting better at the last.
So a new flaw, one that is definitely worth working on, but doesn't really have a name. It is a number of tiny behaviours that flow together into one complex thing, that I do not find especially healthy. I'd like to get rid of them.
I do not demand. I am not always good at saying no1. I do not express desires. I don't say when we're having problems. I don't say when I need to disappear. I feel guilty that others sacrifice for me. I let myself be pushed too far. I want, and do not express it, but far more importantly, sometimes I need and do not express it.
1: My time, you can always have. My sexuality, almost never. Everything else is likely to fall somewhere between the two.
This conspires to an unfortunate flaw. It is, I suppose, a manifestation of living my life for others. That there is not something I can fix --it is too ingrained inside me that I am here to Make Other People's Lives Easier-- but maybe if I practise and stretch a little, I can live for others in ways that also aid myself. Maybe I will not live for others as thoroughly, but the end result will be a better me, which is living for others in a rather dramatic way.
I am, in many ways, a small person. Today at least, I much prefer being grand enough to warp the world to my will. And warping is wanting and acting on those wants.
Introspect.
Find flaws.
Fix them.
Check check and...
~Sor
MOOP!
I'm pretty fucking good at the first two parts. I'm getting better at the last.
So a new flaw, one that is definitely worth working on, but doesn't really have a name. It is a number of tiny behaviours that flow together into one complex thing, that I do not find especially healthy. I'd like to get rid of them.
I do not demand. I am not always good at saying no1. I do not express desires. I don't say when we're having problems. I don't say when I need to disappear. I feel guilty that others sacrifice for me. I let myself be pushed too far. I want, and do not express it, but far more importantly, sometimes I need and do not express it.
1: My time, you can always have. My sexuality, almost never. Everything else is likely to fall somewhere between the two.
This conspires to an unfortunate flaw. It is, I suppose, a manifestation of living my life for others. That there is not something I can fix --it is too ingrained inside me that I am here to Make Other People's Lives Easier-- but maybe if I practise and stretch a little, I can live for others in ways that also aid myself. Maybe I will not live for others as thoroughly, but the end result will be a better me, which is living for others in a rather dramatic way.
I am, in many ways, a small person. Today at least, I much prefer being grand enough to warp the world to my will. And warping is wanting and acting on those wants.
Introspect.
Find flaws.
Fix them.
Check check and...
~Sor
MOOP!
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no subject
on 2012-02-09 10:30 am (UTC)Find flaws.
Fix them.
Check check and...
Ohhey, me too... And same with the whole "living life for others". i have that in a major way; largely, i suppose, because i don't think mine is worth much of anything (in spite of being constantly told otherwise >.>) and honestly, i am now beyond knowing what to do about it. When i am not in huge amounts of despair, i tend towards Resignation. This, of course, leads to being quite harsh on myself when i think i haven't done well enough for others (yay Catholic Church for instilling that guilt thing in my head).
Arg, this turned into a mishmash of whine about me and not me saying to you how much i am happy that you are able to see things and ponder ways to counter them. Apologies.
*belts out Two Out of Three Ain't Bad*
no subject
on 2012-02-13 10:41 pm (UTC)But...
Please, Kat. Please work on this. Please work really freaking hard on putting yourself first, on learning that you do matter, and that you are worthy of love and kindness and desire and anything and everything you want in life. Never forget, not even for a nanosecond, that you are worthy. That you can be happy.
I am rooting for you.