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((This is a pretty self-based entry, so there's names and terminology and stuff I don't bother to elaborate or footnote or expand on. If there's anything you can't guess from context, feel free to ask for specifics. Unless it's the name of the school I work at, which I don't share online.))

I am feeling weirdly morose today, for no good reason. We did have a Very Hard PD in NEST today where we talked about grading and what freedoms we have. What would it look like if we asked the students how they wanted to be graded? How would that change things?

Am I willing to put my money where my mouth is and try out a class where I do promise the students a passing grade? I don't know. That's a lot. I'm terrified of trying to negotiate some of that with a class of students where they don't speak the same language.

And it's _so hard_ to decouple passing grades from graduating classes. If I could just say to a student "yes, you did a really good job with effort and showed that you are willing to put in the work, but you still Just Don't Know The Content so you get a passing grade but have to take Algebra 1 again next year" like...that would be such a good option! That would help a lot with the ability to run classes faster or slower, and try to actually pace them to student needs. But as things stand, if a student passes, they go to Geometry. A student cannot go to Geometry without a working knowledge/background of Algebra.

How do we fix a broken system when we're in the middle of a broken system?

And I mean, I feel like I can do a _lot_ of this nonsense with my Discrete/Data classes (where I am not beholden to anyone but myself and the kids will never take math again) and a fair amount with Calc (where the students do need a working Calc knowledge, but aren't going to Major Examinations or anything.) But Algebra1...it is _so_ foundational to the rest of their high school career, and then we compound that with the fact that Here Comes MCAS and honestly fuuuuuck that noise, it's SO PROBLEMATIC.

Anyways, it's the first PD where I've had to blink back tears since the trans 101 one at the start of the year, and for a very different reason. I just...I want this, I do, but I feel like such a coward that I can't figure out how to make it work with the other constraints. I wonder if Emily would be willing to meet with me and have a talkdown/solution brainstorming session sometime? You know, in the copious free time that a classroom teacher and a department head collectively have.

(I mentioned to Jessie that it would be so different if I didn't _have_ to pass them on at the end of the year, and could keep them in the program, and her response was to encourage me to talk to Emily about actually having that kind of class. Which like...wow that would be So Much but it would also be So Good.)

SOOOO yeah. I really really love my job. But education is a fundamentally broken and flawed institution in this country. Buy a teacher dinner next week, we fucking deserve it.

~Sor
MOOP!

Accomplishments

Today before therapy I printed out a little file of all the accomplishment posts I made this past week. I gave it to Jenn to show her what I've been up on and she immediately said "wow, this is so un-Kat-like!"

You have to hear this line with humour. I have learned that my therapist speaks in the same sarcasms and harshness that drip off my own tongue. I certainly laughed, and feel incredibly validated, rather than the insulted you might expect.

Anyways, I assured her that it was only meant to last a few days, and I was quite sure I'd be done with it soon. And we talked of other frivolous stuff and kinda reviewed the stuff and that was nice. Sometimes I think I like having a therapist just so I have a guaranteed audience for whatever inanities that go through my head, even if it's just 45 minutes a week. Anywho, my homework for next week is to do that task that's two weeks late. Also, once I get back my evidence file, I'm gonna bring it to side-boss Emily¹ and ask her if it means I'm hired back, because that's less terrifying than directly asking main-boss Trish.

As to why I'm doing the accomplishment posts...because I haven't fucked it up yet? Because games work a very short time for me, so the longer I can keep them going before having to make a new game, the better? Because right now, this is the thing that's making me take a step back and try to think positively about the things I've done, which is not something I am naturally any good at. Perfectionism is a hell of a drug. You don't have to engage with them, and I'm trying to tag them --can you mute tags on Dreamwidth? Not sure.

So!

Accomplishments for today:

Work:
*The usual
*Got to school in time for the one (of four, sigh) students who assured me they would arrive by 7AM in order to make up a quiz who actually came before school. (one more managed during lunch and a third afterschool).
*Went to the Culture Committee focus group meeting and talked about overall frustrations with the school and things we want to see and the fact that it's fucking hard teaching equality and respect when there are other staff members who are fucking assholes. We were slightly less harsh in our language.
*Went to the PD mentioned in the other post and thought about grading and its role and its purpose and bluhhhgh teaching is fucking hard and being ethical and kind about it is harder.
*At squares, I managed to grade a big stack of Entrance Tickets, but I haven't entered them yet.

Therapy:
*Thrashing. I don't really feel like I accomplished anything this week, beyond sharing the accomplishment lists and wanking a bit about that. I don't know.

Social:
*I'm at squares where I'm mostly ignoring everyone in favour of doing grading, but I did get to cht with John-friend a bit at the beginning, and then just now while I was wordsing, Lotta came over and sat next to me and chatted
*Also I sat with Austin while he did gate and helped/got in the way and nuzzled at him and he interrupted my grading and I interrupted his bells studying and it was really good.

Personal:
*144 days of writing, which is 12 squared and that's a bunch. Also today is the end of April and that's the fourth month and that means I've written an entire third of the year without missing a day. I have less than a hundred days to go before I've broken my longest ever streak, which is the one I set in like...2011 or 2012 or something.
*The drop in dumb-phone-game happened to come right between classes, so I was able to get good numbers. Yay!
*I got to waltz with Austin during early-rounds and that was really nice and needed.
*Emmmmails. I now have no unread emails from April 2019. That's...phenomenal.

Still morose. Tomorrow will be different.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I have a main-boss who is the head of the math department, but because I teach an SEI (Sheltered English Immersion) class, I also belong to the English Language Learners department and have a side-boss who is The Best. I mean, my main-boss is also pretty great, but seriously, my humour and enthusiasm and idealism and sarcasm all mesh _so well_ with my side-boss and I find her delightful.