(no subject)

Doing good feels good.

Like yes, I have a nightmare trashheap brain who vastly prefers to respond to "oh hey I did that thing I've been putting off" with "Oh finally, you know you could've gotten so much more done if you'd done it earlier, right?" rather than "yay!".

((My nightmare trashheap brain only does this to me. Please never _ever_ fear that I'm doing it to you. I am glad and pleased you did the thing, and even if it happened later, it's happened! It's done! Yay!!!))

But there is a subset of behaviors that I perform that I can recognize as "good" behaviors. Yes, things like cleaning my room, and grading papers. But also dancing. Writing really good essays¹. Making art --and yes, the fact that I drew today, made little sketchy doodles feels _incredible_.

There's a reason I'm so eager to show off my collection of little dinosaurs that I draw onto the whiteboard of my classroom each morning. I really like the act of creating, and I really like sharing that creation.

I just wish I were more able to get started with That Sort Of Thing more often. Do good, Kat. It feels good.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Oh no, it's probably arrogant of me to like the essay-thing I wrote the other night as much as I do. Don't actually care, because it feels like Racheline, and part of that involves feeling constructively angry.

(no subject)

So today was...a lot.

It started off with a bang, as I woke up at 5:49 with my laptop open on my lap and only 500-odd words in the file. My 750words day is already set to 6AM. No, I did not break my streak, but it is only by the skin of my fucking teeth.

Then, like an idiot, I lay back down rather than properly get up, and so I hit the snooze alarm four times and did not manage to get to school as early as I wanted to, le fucking sigh.

School was...really mellow for me. I didn't have to do any lesson planning, because today was end-of-the-quarter catch-up day, so all I did for my classes was circulate and help students one-on-one with their missing work or their extra credit projects or what-have-you. Paired with a moment of panic in the middle when my boss came in to observe a class and I had to be like "we are literally not doing anything today" but at the very least, I was actively sitting next to a student and working through a problem with her, and I was able to hand boss lady the extra credit assignment to look at, and so I think it was okay.

After classes were over, I did...not really anything constructive. I mean, I went to NEST-team and talked about stuff, and that was good. But my proper prep was just...me...drawing, mostly? Which was *incredible* for my mental health and did nothing for my stack of grading.

Post-school was the LBGTQ+ forum, where about forty people showed up to sit in a big circle on the stage of the auditorium and talk queer stuff. It was pretty evenly split between students and teachers, and a *really* awesome discussion. I have so much hope for the next gen.

(I did not talk about Sunday night to them. I am not that kind of out at work. It was _very interesting_ talking around that fact in front of the one teacher who explicitly knows I'm agender, and really gratifying to have her mention the "I know we're thrilled with the idea of role models, but it's okay to not be out if it doesn't seem safe to you right now." Subtext may just be buttsex in a different order, but it's nice to hear the messages that are meant just for you sometimes.)

Then therapy, where I talked a lot about Sunday and school and how _badly_ I want to be out as agender, and talked with Jenn about a (purely academic) problem I have that could literally be unique in the world, and the usual...other stuff. Post-therapy quiet dinner and off to MIT for fairly unsatisfying squares.

Content Warning: My mood at squares was *definitely* not helped by the fact that it's April, and MIT celebrates April with brightly coloured shirts about rape strung up all over the staircase! I could probably have more thoughts, but I'd rather go to bed. Mostly I'm just really...angry. Angry at myself, for hurting, angry at kSatyr, for hurting.

I don't really want to go more into it just now, so have a post from 2010 that goes into why The Clothesline Project in particular is such a _thing_ for me. Trigger warnings like whoa.

Anyways, I'm off to bed. Cheers.

~Sor
MOOP!