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Feb. 28th, 2017 07:08 pmYesterday was a Bad Day. I wrote most of an entry, here you go:
Content Warning: Depression
Everything came to a head and I skipped dance in favour of hiding in the basement and curling into a little tight Katball1 Eventually I started sobbing, probably not as quietly as I thought, because I managed to summon my sir in about a minute and a half.
It's been almost seven years formal and more'n nine informal and I really really hate that I'm still so messed up that I need to sob blankly on his shoulder and I am still flabbergastedly lucky that he loves me so much and cares for me so much and is the one person in all the world I can consistently count on to come find me when I cry.
I used to dream of someone noticing I was missing and coming to find me. I can only take help if it's offered, and I dreamed for years and _years_ of someone actually doing so and suddenly it was NEFFA and being dragged out into the sunshine and given a hug and actually genuinely cared about and suddenly eight years of wanting something became true and...
...and it hasn't stopped being true. Crying alone in the bathroom in fifth grade was over a decade and a half ago.
Anyways, "why now" and "why today" are what my mind is wondering, what caused the stress and anxiety and eight hundred things I have not done to finally bubble over. I think I know: it's because I let myself read. And I think my brain knows reading books --reading randomly and joyously and spontaneous things I picked up off the shelf for no one but myself-- is a selfish act and a leisure act and not something I can justify in any way as being good for me.
(Even PokeGo at least gets the excuse that I was outside and walking)
I read five Clementine books (where was she when I was a child, I have always needed these books.) and I need to buy copies of all of them someday, I love them so very much in no small part because they feel so familiar. And then I read a book called the Book Scavenger, which is excellent and has my new favourite geogame and also some ciphers (<3 <3 <3!!!). I enjoyed all of it.
None of them were books that I checked out from the library and therefore need to read. Nor the ARC of Magic for Nothing that I won from Seanan McGuire (and I am really truly absolutely thrilled to have won it and I hate how scared I am that I'm not even going to manage to read it in a remotely timely manner.)
They were just...frivolous, but worse, JOYFUL frivolous, not like the usual depressive mind rot of quietly playing video games.
1: Katball is never actually a good thing. If I tell you on IM that's what I'm doing, it's because I want attention and affection and distraction amd anything to make me feel like less of a colossal fuckup.
***
...and that's as far as I got last night. I fell very asleep while trying to work out how much life I was about to lose in Habitica and whether I could mitigate it at all. (Woke up at about 1:30, which was enough time to brush my teeth and double-check my alarm being set and the like).
Today has been better, but largely and only because I've been looking dedicatedly forward to having a Getting Things Done night with Kate Monster2.
Okay, and also today has been better because I found a dead rabbit in pretty good condition and ruthfully convinced [Unknown site tag] to put it in his freezer for me (ie: I asked if I could store it there and he offered to grab it for me) and now I have brought it to Kate as a friendship offering3. Yay! ((Yes, I texted Kate first to make sure she was actually still into taxidermy and dead things, I am not that much of an asshole. Alsoyes, all the Kates I know are into taxidermy. It's pretty cool.))
Soyeah. I'm gonna go and try and deal with the fucking *weeks* of email backlog that I've been ignoring. Especially important since a majority of it is relatively simple input to IMPORTANT DANCE STUFF and arrrgaggggggagagg. Other goals for tonight potentially involve editing and sending out three months backlog of TMC minutes, and mebbe drawing an Artbook4 for Sexy Self Comics Day tomorrow.
Ta!
((Terminal optimism is how I fight Depression, and virtually everything else wrong with my brain.))
~Sor
MOOP!
2: Kate Monster is a friend from college! No really, I met her at like...the pre-college orientation and then again on the very first day and found out she's into rpgs and cool shit like that. Alas, she was an AiB kid, so we never had any classes together, and mostly didn't get a chance to hang when actually in college.
But we've been Facebook friends all this time, and a couple weeks ago when I posted "anyone wanna do a Diesel Work-in-Company" she jumped. We closed out Diesel, and then spent ninety minutes in sub-freezing temperatures chatting about pokemon, the internet, friends, and our respective lives. It was really good!
She texted me on Friday asking if I wanted to do another one, so that's why we're hanging out at the Harvard Sq Starbucks tonight. :3
3: I have "Red Roses and Dead Things" stuck in my head and it's totally making me wish I was romantically interested in Kate in the slightest (even separate from her presumed-mono boyfriend, I'm just...not?) Like she's cool as hell and I want to be her friend and for her to think I'm neato, but I have brought dead things to someone just as a friend and I am a little sad at the missed opportunity.
4: Artbooks are my little eight (well, okay, six and a front cover and a very minimal back cover) page sketchbooks that I make for random occasions such as "have some time, paper, and a pencil". I have like, two incomplete ones right now that I really ought to do, SIGH. But I also tend to do one every other year or so for SSCD.
Content Warning: Depression
Everything came to a head and I skipped dance in favour of hiding in the basement and curling into a little tight Katball1 Eventually I started sobbing, probably not as quietly as I thought, because I managed to summon my sir in about a minute and a half.
It's been almost seven years formal and more'n nine informal and I really really hate that I'm still so messed up that I need to sob blankly on his shoulder and I am still flabbergastedly lucky that he loves me so much and cares for me so much and is the one person in all the world I can consistently count on to come find me when I cry.
I used to dream of someone noticing I was missing and coming to find me. I can only take help if it's offered, and I dreamed for years and _years_ of someone actually doing so and suddenly it was NEFFA and being dragged out into the sunshine and given a hug and actually genuinely cared about and suddenly eight years of wanting something became true and...
...and it hasn't stopped being true. Crying alone in the bathroom in fifth grade was over a decade and a half ago.
Anyways, "why now" and "why today" are what my mind is wondering, what caused the stress and anxiety and eight hundred things I have not done to finally bubble over. I think I know: it's because I let myself read. And I think my brain knows reading books --reading randomly and joyously and spontaneous things I picked up off the shelf for no one but myself-- is a selfish act and a leisure act and not something I can justify in any way as being good for me.
(Even PokeGo at least gets the excuse that I was outside and walking)
I read five Clementine books (where was she when I was a child, I have always needed these books.) and I need to buy copies of all of them someday, I love them so very much in no small part because they feel so familiar. And then I read a book called the Book Scavenger, which is excellent and has my new favourite geogame and also some ciphers (<3 <3 <3!!!). I enjoyed all of it.
None of them were books that I checked out from the library and therefore need to read. Nor the ARC of Magic for Nothing that I won from Seanan McGuire (and I am really truly absolutely thrilled to have won it and I hate how scared I am that I'm not even going to manage to read it in a remotely timely manner.)
They were just...frivolous, but worse, JOYFUL frivolous, not like the usual depressive mind rot of quietly playing video games.
1: Katball is never actually a good thing. If I tell you on IM that's what I'm doing, it's because I want attention and affection and distraction amd anything to make me feel like less of a colossal fuckup.
***
...and that's as far as I got last night. I fell very asleep while trying to work out how much life I was about to lose in Habitica and whether I could mitigate it at all. (Woke up at about 1:30, which was enough time to brush my teeth and double-check my alarm being set and the like).
Today has been better, but largely and only because I've been looking dedicatedly forward to having a Getting Things Done night with Kate Monster2.
Okay, and also today has been better because I found a dead rabbit in pretty good condition and ruthfully convinced [Unknown site tag] to put it in his freezer for me (ie: I asked if I could store it there and he offered to grab it for me) and now I have brought it to Kate as a friendship offering3. Yay! ((Yes, I texted Kate first to make sure she was actually still into taxidermy and dead things, I am not that much of an asshole. Alsoyes, all the Kates I know are into taxidermy. It's pretty cool.))
Soyeah. I'm gonna go and try and deal with the fucking *weeks* of email backlog that I've been ignoring. Especially important since a majority of it is relatively simple input to IMPORTANT DANCE STUFF and arrrgaggggggagagg. Other goals for tonight potentially involve editing and sending out three months backlog of TMC minutes, and mebbe drawing an Artbook4 for Sexy Self Comics Day tomorrow.
Ta!
((Terminal optimism is how I fight Depression, and virtually everything else wrong with my brain.))
~Sor
MOOP!
2: Kate Monster is a friend from college! No really, I met her at like...the pre-college orientation and then again on the very first day and found out she's into rpgs and cool shit like that. Alas, she was an AiB kid, so we never had any classes together, and mostly didn't get a chance to hang when actually in college.
But we've been Facebook friends all this time, and a couple weeks ago when I posted "anyone wanna do a Diesel Work-in-Company" she jumped. We closed out Diesel, and then spent ninety minutes in sub-freezing temperatures chatting about pokemon, the internet, friends, and our respective lives. It was really good!
She texted me on Friday asking if I wanted to do another one, so that's why we're hanging out at the Harvard Sq Starbucks tonight. :3
3: I have "Red Roses and Dead Things" stuck in my head and it's totally making me wish I was romantically interested in Kate in the slightest (even separate from her presumed-mono boyfriend, I'm just...not?) Like she's cool as hell and I want to be her friend and for her to think I'm neato, but I have brought dead things to someone just as a friend and I am a little sad at the missed opportunity.
4: Artbooks are my little eight (well, okay, six and a front cover and a very minimal back cover) page sketchbooks that I make for random occasions such as "have some time, paper, and a pencil". I have like, two incomplete ones right now that I really ought to do, SIGH. But I also tend to do one every other year or so for SSCD.