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At demo team practice, I happened to have a camera when we wanted to record our dress rehearsal (so people can study it and see what they can do better in the future). Because I was the one with the camera, it was somehow my responsibility to upload the video. Because I suck at responsibility, it took me from Sunday until about an hour ago. Because I don't *totally* suck at responsibility, hey, only two days!
Anyways, Tailsteak was on chat, drunk and entertaining, so I tossed a link at him as a sort of casual "wanna see me dance?" thing. He...really liked it. He was excited and pleased to watch me doing a thing that I am not just competent but actually good at.
I really didn't expect him to watch the rough cut of our whole 14 minute piece for NEFFA1. I told him such at the start. He watched the whole thing though, and made insightful comments (okay, a lot of them boiled down to "wow" but he also noted that Andy was calling through the dance and asked me about a couple terms and stuff) and then when it finished, asked me if I had any other videos of me dancing.
So I dug up one of the videos Gregor took of me at candidate class (which was embarrassing, because I would nab one where I was totally fucking up Woo'd and Married and A') and he liked that and then I poked around online a bit and it so happened that pretty much the first video I clicked on YouTube had me and Malka dancing just about front and center from last September.
Tailsteak watched that one too, and liked it, and told me so. He said I was "one graceful motherfucker" (this is true) and "You are officially better at dancing than I am at comics." (this is probably not true2)
He told me that I could throw videos like that at him anytime, that he liked my dancing, "and not just because it's you. 3It is straight up competent and I respect that."
I...really honestly truthfully did not expect the response I got. Like, not even knowing that he thinks I'm rad, not even knowing that he was a little drunk and therefore pliable, there was no frame of reference for me showing a video of me dancing to someone and them actually really _getting_ it and thinking it's a cool and worthwhile thing.
He thinks I am good at my passion, and he likes watching me engage in my passion, in this thing I have put _so much_ work into. He is consuming the media I create4.
Asdf. I'm gonna start crying.
I'm just...I don't know. Except for the people I dance with, I don't really think anyone understands just how gosh-darn important this is to me, and even some of them don't necessarily get it. He...he gets it.
I've never had someone who wanted to see me dance before, who expressed that want so clearly and sincerely and honestly. I've definitely never had a non-dancer want to see me dance.
I am good at Scottish Country. I wasn't lying about that 15% below down there. I am on demo team because I am good enough to be worth watching. I am in candidate class because I am good enough to start teaching. I am a good dancer, and yes, I can definitely become a better dancer5 but damnit, saying that the seven years of work I have put into this has made me good isn't arrogant, it's accurate.
But jegus christ, I never in a million years thought I'd actually be good enough for someone to get aesthetic joy out of watching me dance. For someone to _want_ to watch me dance.
I am not very good at being wanted --it is too much like desire, too much like admitting that I have some form of worth. The further the reason is from sex, the harder it is for me to reconcile that people might want me for it. Dancing? Pretty fucking far from sex6.
But Tailsteak wants to watch me dance, because it important to me and I am good at it and watching that makes him happy.
yay.7
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Strictly speaking, I probably shouldn't have given him the link, because blah blah, internal documents, etc (and also I didn't check with any of the rest of the demo team about showing rough cuts to other people). But he's my friend, I trust him, and if he was in the same room as me, I totally would've shown him without a second thought.
2: Okay, so, I'm gonna ballpark myself as being in probably about the top 15% of dancers in the Boston branch, which is arrogant, but if we're considering everything, footwork and mental flexibility, and timing, and ability to learn new dances, I think it is *probably* not too much of a stretch to say I'm one of the best 30 dancers in the branch. I'll stretch it out and suggest that --based on the fact that Boston's a pretty high-caliber RSCDS branch-- I'm gonna be in about the top 30-25% of SCDancers in the world.
By contrast, Tailsteak is making money from his comic, which already puts him in the top, like, 10% of cartoonists worldwide and probably even higher. That shit is hard to do! I would guess that there's maybe 500 SCDancers in the US Northeast, I am quite sure that number is no more than half the number of aspiring cartoonists in the same spread. Plus, he wins on straight up experience --he's been making cartoons since like 2002, which is half a decade longer than I've been dancing.
So, I don't think that I'm a better dancer than he is cartoonist, and I do think that it's kindof an absurd comparison to make in the first place.
3: Things I did not know about Tailsteak until just now: he uses double spaces after periods. I may have to tease him for this later.
4: an interesting debate I absolutely don't feel like getting into just now, but feel free to have at in the comments.
5: demo team problems: I am the limpiest-wristed mofo on the planet. There are total gay stereotypes who are feeling mocked by my godawful inability to bring my damn hand up in an attractive and subtle manner instead of looking like I'm about to demand you kiss my bloody ring.
6: ...erm, in this situation, at least.
7: This is a quiet yay. It belies the fact that I am screaming internally, that my joy cannot really be handled, but I know that kind of outburst would be unseemly. It means that the thing giving me joy _matters_, not like comic books or tv shows could matter, but like the real world recognizing me matters.
Anyways, Tailsteak was on chat, drunk and entertaining, so I tossed a link at him as a sort of casual "wanna see me dance?" thing. He...really liked it. He was excited and pleased to watch me doing a thing that I am not just competent but actually good at.
I really didn't expect him to watch the rough cut of our whole 14 minute piece for NEFFA1. I told him such at the start. He watched the whole thing though, and made insightful comments (okay, a lot of them boiled down to "wow" but he also noted that Andy was calling through the dance and asked me about a couple terms and stuff) and then when it finished, asked me if I had any other videos of me dancing.
So I dug up one of the videos Gregor took of me at candidate class (which was embarrassing, because I would nab one where I was totally fucking up Woo'd and Married and A') and he liked that and then I poked around online a bit and it so happened that pretty much the first video I clicked on YouTube had me and Malka dancing just about front and center from last September.
Tailsteak watched that one too, and liked it, and told me so. He said I was "one graceful motherfucker" (this is true) and "You are officially better at dancing than I am at comics." (this is probably not true2)
He told me that I could throw videos like that at him anytime, that he liked my dancing, "and not just because it's you. 3It is straight up competent and I respect that."
I...really honestly truthfully did not expect the response I got. Like, not even knowing that he thinks I'm rad, not even knowing that he was a little drunk and therefore pliable, there was no frame of reference for me showing a video of me dancing to someone and them actually really _getting_ it and thinking it's a cool and worthwhile thing.
He thinks I am good at my passion, and he likes watching me engage in my passion, in this thing I have put _so much_ work into. He is consuming the media I create4.
Asdf. I'm gonna start crying.
I'm just...I don't know. Except for the people I dance with, I don't really think anyone understands just how gosh-darn important this is to me, and even some of them don't necessarily get it. He...he gets it.
I've never had someone who wanted to see me dance before, who expressed that want so clearly and sincerely and honestly. I've definitely never had a non-dancer want to see me dance.
I am good at Scottish Country. I wasn't lying about that 15% below down there. I am on demo team because I am good enough to be worth watching. I am in candidate class because I am good enough to start teaching. I am a good dancer, and yes, I can definitely become a better dancer5 but damnit, saying that the seven years of work I have put into this has made me good isn't arrogant, it's accurate.
But jegus christ, I never in a million years thought I'd actually be good enough for someone to get aesthetic joy out of watching me dance. For someone to _want_ to watch me dance.
I am not very good at being wanted --it is too much like desire, too much like admitting that I have some form of worth. The further the reason is from sex, the harder it is for me to reconcile that people might want me for it. Dancing? Pretty fucking far from sex6.
But Tailsteak wants to watch me dance, because it important to me and I am good at it and watching that makes him happy.
yay.7
~Sor
MOOP!
1: Strictly speaking, I probably shouldn't have given him the link, because blah blah, internal documents, etc (and also I didn't check with any of the rest of the demo team about showing rough cuts to other people). But he's my friend, I trust him, and if he was in the same room as me, I totally would've shown him without a second thought.
2: Okay, so, I'm gonna ballpark myself as being in probably about the top 15% of dancers in the Boston branch, which is arrogant, but if we're considering everything, footwork and mental flexibility, and timing, and ability to learn new dances, I think it is *probably* not too much of a stretch to say I'm one of the best 30 dancers in the branch. I'll stretch it out and suggest that --based on the fact that Boston's a pretty high-caliber RSCDS branch-- I'm gonna be in about the top 30-25% of SCDancers in the world.
By contrast, Tailsteak is making money from his comic, which already puts him in the top, like, 10% of cartoonists worldwide and probably even higher. That shit is hard to do! I would guess that there's maybe 500 SCDancers in the US Northeast, I am quite sure that number is no more than half the number of aspiring cartoonists in the same spread. Plus, he wins on straight up experience --he's been making cartoons since like 2002, which is half a decade longer than I've been dancing.
So, I don't think that I'm a better dancer than he is cartoonist, and I do think that it's kindof an absurd comparison to make in the first place.
3: Things I did not know about Tailsteak until just now: he uses double spaces after periods. I may have to tease him for this later.
4: an interesting debate I absolutely don't feel like getting into just now, but feel free to have at in the comments.
5: demo team problems: I am the limpiest-wristed mofo on the planet. There are total gay stereotypes who are feeling mocked by my godawful inability to bring my damn hand up in an attractive and subtle manner instead of looking like I'm about to demand you kiss my bloody ring.
6: ...erm, in this situation, at least.
7: This is a quiet yay. It belies the fact that I am screaming internally, that my joy cannot really be handled, but I know that kind of outburst would be unseemly. It means that the thing giving me joy _matters_, not like comic books or tv shows could matter, but like the real world recognizing me matters.