(no subject)

So far today I have woken up in a pile of men¹, snuggled and chatted with people for most of an hour, gotten in a nice walk, gotten a babysitting job, gotten told that I get to have an extra hour at HONKFEST! and told by my psych teacher to orgasm more.

Today is *awesome*

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Yes, my life is significantly more awesome than yours. It should be noted that the sleeppile came after the "Watch two episodes of Middleman!" pile. Fucking *glee!*, man, last night was fantastic.

Existential Crisis, Ho!

Ah fuck it. You ever get to that point where you feel you should post, but just can't be arsed? Yeah.

Good gods, I am the worst writer ever. There is a reason that I will never be published. I'm just gonna try writing some anyways, and seeing what happens with that. Apologies for incoherence. Worst than normal, even.

I can safely be defined as "boy-crazy". This bothers the *fuck* out of me. Boy-crazy was never the role I was meant to play, in the single-stereotype world all characters fill. Being boy-crazy and swooning and having a crush on every boy was always Veronica's job, not mine.

(And, of course, I do like women too, and find them attractive. But I tend to lean hetero -another thing that bothers the *fuck* out of me- and "awesomefolk-crazy" does not have as efficient a ring to it.)

There's a certain extent to I recognize that this is, for better or worse, a part of my personality. A part of who I am. To deny it would be to deny part of me. And hey --I hear all the best folk are kinda slutty. ((None of those links are safe for work))

But seriously?
Seriously?

This is not who I was supposed to be. I spent such a startling amount of energy on being alone (not lonely, thank you!) in high school, and in middle school. I was supposed to be strong and independent and utterly able to live my life without any of those icky boy things around, all leching after me and making me roll my eyes.

More importantly, I was supposed to think boys were icky forever. Sure, sometimes they're nice to talk to, and certainly, they seem to be (on the surface) lower maintenance than most girls, but boys and me, we were to be on a strict friends-only basis. No benefits even, thanks. I can take care of that myself.

It's not particularly that I miss that mindframe, after all, kissing really is awfully nice sometimes. But it's more that I've strayed so far from the self-assured fifteen year old I once was....and yes, I just called 15!Sor self-assured. Time dulls memories. It makes me certain that I had a better handle on who I really was five years ago than I do now.

More importantly, it's the pervasive way that boys, and kissing, and all that creep in my mind. The point of dancing is meant to be the dance itself, not the flirting. Conventions are not for picking people up. I should not be able to be able to notice immediately when certain boys enter the room, and I sure as fucking hell shouldn't stumble over what I was saying because I got distracted by staring.

I should have male friends. FRIENDS friends, and just that, without the constant undercurrent of sex and love and want all running underneath our interactions. I should be able to be friends with boys without also thinking they would be fun to kiss. I shouldn't find it easier to make strong friendships with people who are in a mono relationship, so I don't have to worry about pursuing them, or them me.

I really really shouldn't be so fucking boy-crazy. Society tells me that I'm better than that --smart, and clever, and able to be whatever I would want to be. I am woman, hear me roar, fear my almighty womb. I shouldn't waste such potential on just lazy sunday mornings in someone else's arms, and losing track of a sentence when he smiles just so.

But fuck society, sometimes, that's what I want! Go to school, and smile in the middle of the day, because I've got a sweet flirty thing sending me text messages that make me blush. It's not like I'm going to be a kept woman --Athe almighty, I will *never* be a kept woman-- but I don't think there's something wrong with getting my degree in maths and my extracurriculars in snogging.

(And if I'm fighting emo like that, it's worth pointing out Evan, and Neil, and Jarne, and Swing, and -even with the kissing- Foster. Bernie and Joe, Chris and Eric, and Josh. Alex -oh, and other Alex. Jeremy, of course. I have male friends. Possibly more male friends than female friends even. I'm being a little bit stupid.)

And I have interests that aren't just boys. I'm a three-dimensional human being, last I checked. I'm interested in women *and* lamps. Er, and maths, and dancing (-dancing will never *just* be about the flirting. Flirting < movement-), and comic books, and sex blogs, and feminism, and rape theory, and children's books, and cryptology, and writing fantasy stories, and drawing pictures, and tarot cards, and Clue, and climbing on things, and going on adventures, and webcomics, and playgrounds. And boys.

I don't really know. Although it is interesting to notice that somewhere along the line, I stopped being Mallory, and started being Stacey.

....yes, that was a Babysitter's Club reference. I blame google one hundred percent for this --how dare you link me to the totally entertaining BSC Revisited?

~Sor
MOOP!