X Years Ago Today

Assorted X Years Ago Today and yesterday:

Five years ago yesterday, it was 2004, and I uttered (possibly for the first time) a line that I feel obligated to use something like every other week in here: Wow. A truly pointless entry. lovely.

I...am not altogether certain of the ultimate goal of this journal. I don't know if I've ever been. It's certainly not a diary, but because of that, I feel wrong when I use it just to log what I've done today. "Went to the meal hall, got food with friends, and did homework." Yeah, that's just *fascinating* isn't it?

It's not an essay log. I don't write essays, write *about* things nearly as often as I would like. I am a writer, and to a certain extent, particularly an essayist. My fantasy is largely stolen and I'm sure somewhat Mary-Sueish and presumably actually quite terrible. My essays actually manage to have an occasional brilliant turn of phrase, and largely, in my not at all humble opinion, be worth reading.

It's not a forum of discussion, as much as I would like it to be, because only a very small number of blogs successfully reach the ideal of facilitating discussion. Better designed for the goal are actual forums. I do love it when you guys talk, and argue, and disagree, and provide support for me and each other, but I don't necessarily expect it out of anyone.

It's just my livejournal. Just this...thing that I write sometimes and read sometimes, and hooray. Good for me, nice to have this lovely little log of the world for me to look back on.

I just wish I had a better handle on why I keep writing it.¹

((Now if you'll excuse me, I just remembered that I have an essay that's been sitting on my desktop for an undisclosed amount of time, just waiting for me to me calm enough to post it.))

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Five years ago today, it was 2004 and I did a meme on names. I thought about redoing it, but really, it hasn't much changed in five years.

My public names are Sorcyress, kdsorceress, Origami, Kat, Katarina, Sor, and Sorcy.
My private names are...um... Well, private, and secret. Considering that I maintain at least two blogs that I specifically neither tell people about or give people the easy trail to find them, I *really* don't feel I should go ahead and let you know what. :P

I suppose what it is with those names, is that with the private ones, you *don't* know me as those names. You know her, or her, or her as those names. They are aspects of my personality almost wholly removed, as to be different people.

Different masks, maybe?

For what it's worth, the only person who knows me as Little Girl is myself. One of these days, I'll get around to posting that entry. Maybe that's name.

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Oh existential blues. Aren't you grand².

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I mean, beyond the whole "I have to write" thing. Which is pretty much not exaggeration, to keep being stable and sane and Who I Truly Am, I have to write. Writing is my coping mechanism, my comfort food, my art, and my primary way of expressing myself. I don't always write stories or essays, but very *very* few days go by where I do not physically write (or type) something down.

2: And the first place I ever heard the phrase "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." Of course, it's a pity that I'm not in a good mood, and therefore wouldn't drink even if I had the option. I am very often stupid, but not about booze.

(no subject)

So, like I said in my previous post, I wrote this an undisclosed amount of time ago, when someone I cared about was hurt by a mutual friend. At the time, I could easily tell that posting it would be inviting drama, so I just tossed it into a file on my desktop. Being as rereading this doesn't reawaken severe anger anymore, I think it's cool to post.

And yes, everyone involved has sorted out their problems and are fine. The world is filled with sunshine and rainbows and unicorns again, and we're all gonna go sing songs. :P

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Elljay entry removed from immediacy:

So, I don't get angry often. When I do, when I get legitimately pissed at someone, like all my emotions, I don't go halfway. You hurt someone I care about and I don't just want to hurt you, I want to wrap my hands around your throat and snap your neck.

This, oddly enough, scares me. While on the one hand, I like that I have these mama bear instincts to protect the people I care about, on the other, I (used to?) consider myself a reasonably pacifistic person. I don't want to hurt people, ever, that kind of runs counter to my very core. The fact that I can feel this way, and more frighteningly, that I can feel this way about people who I actually generally quite like, worries me.

Part of me getting better at dealing with the world has been some limited amount of teaching myself/forcing myself to learn that my emotions, whatever they are, are valid, and not something I can control. I can't help being incredibly fucking angry, what I can help is whether or not I actually punch that motherfucker in the teeth. Removing myself from the situation is a HUGE help in this case --I'm not sure I've ever been angry at someone and in a position to actually cause them damage (as opposed to just irritated, or annoyed, or pissed, where I will occasionally hit instead of using my words) but it's not a situation I *ever* want to find myself in, and I think if I do, I need to be smart enough to realize and haul ass elsewhere, so I can calm down.

The real trick is what happens after. If you do something that pushes me to this level of anger at you, regardless of whether or not that anger is justified, (when someone I care about rants about someone else I care about, it's hard for there not to be a bias present) our relationship is going to change. I've watched this change four times in the last month, and sure, the problem gets forgotten and everything becomes sunshine and daisies¹ once more. But just because I'm no longer actively angry doesn't mean I don't still have that blip on our radar. I hold grudges for a very long time indeed --there are people I don't trust for their transgressions three years ago, and there are people who I stopped Liking, and never Liked again because of one stupid comment they made that caused my blood to boil.

I don't want to hold this contempt for people I'm meant to like, I don't want to have to worry about my future interactions with them, about whether or not I'll be able to adequately preserve the masks. I don't want to find myself hissing "you fat stupid cow" under my breath while saying "Hi, how are you!?" on IM. I want to be strong enough to forgive people, and I want to be sweet enough to forget the things that made me hate them in the first place, even if that hate was only temporary.

Additionally, I'd like to be better about the anger. I'd really like to be better about the anger, especially because anger tends to bring out the sadosociopathic side of me, and attracts Hyde to begin whispering all his sweet nothings in the back of my brain. (I often don't mind him being around, but when I begin to agree with all the pains he offers other people, I take that as the big fat warning sign it is and start looking for coping mechanisms.) It would be nice if I could be rational about the fact that occasionally people I love are hurt, and I can't always help them. I'd love to stop having such a neck fixation, but that's a separate entry and a separate fear.

I guess all I'm really trying to say is that I'm human, and I have human reactions to things sometimes. I don't at all like it, but I have to live with it. I just want to figure out the way to live with it that I'll regret the least in the future.

K.
MOOP!

1: Daisies is just such a default false-happy word for me. It's really really frustrating that it's also PieShopian vulgar slang.