sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
I was reading old 750w entries from 2010, see also, the only time I've ever managed to keep a streak going for >200 days. It

I have grown some in the last seven years. 21!me is vaguely embarrassing and at times cringeworthy. But she (and there's a weird word, that it's she then and they now) is still so clearly me and awesome and growing into herself.

Because I lost the diary I kept first semester of college, it is always insanely gratifying to see that the narrative of my abusive ex is not something I've made up wholecloth. These things he did to me really did happen, and I've been processing them for years now.

(In 2010, I wasn't out as an abuse/rape survivor, but I was slowly telling people, and writing heavily filtered entries on LJ. That's a weird thing to read.)

It's sad to see some of the friends mentioned --apparently in late 2010, I was hanging out with Rackle a lot, who I haven't talked to in ages. In the blessed land of college classes and sleeping in indefinitely, I was following up squares nearly every night with visiting one of a handful of people and hanging out with them --can you imagine, not having such a curfew that you can regularly stay awake for hours *after* the end of dancing?

I obtained a bicycle, but I didn't write much about that. I obtained a sir, and I wrote a _lot_ about that, about how unbelievably happy I was with him. (Seven years later (almost, our seventh anniversary is my 28th birthday) I am still unbelievably happy with him.)

The whole point of the exercise came from me casually bragging about the older mischief levels of Squares, and how I started hexing when I was only partway through the class. Offhand, I thought I had begun being gemini in a hex at about week eight. According to my notes, apparently I started as early as week five, and I did my first solo hex (which is to say, me and 11 other people instead of 12) at week 7.

Yeah. yeah. I can't imagine now the level of self-confidence and bravado 21!self had. I mean, I am very good at the kinesthetic parts of square dancing --I can translate music timing into moving very well, and I'm good at seeing and feeling where I'm supposed to be.

But holy christ child, I know you were being encouraged by a bunch of wonderful/terrible people, but dancing hexes by yourself before graduating mainstream? Truly, bravo.

At any rate, I ought to write more. Writing is good for defeating the depression, it's good for my brain and sorting things out, it's really good for later when I want to prove to myself that something was real.

I'm gonna try and do the August challenge at 750words. Write at least that much, every day of the month. Yes, even with visiting mom and Gencon and the like. Good luck, self!

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Pinewoods 2017 report

If I were really good, I would try dividing it up into chunks of ESC, Session 1, and Session 21, but I'm not that good. So have a jumbled together report of my last two weeks. I'm not writing it in any sort of order, so the footnotes might beare all jumbled up.

*So um redacted redacted redacted hour kissing on the dock redacted redacted. Also this is the second time in three months where I have taken photos of me kissing a cute girl and sent them to her girlfriend.

*Dave Wiesler is the absolute best at writing music. His bandleading night in session 1, I mostly couldn't actually dance due to a twingy ankle (and I am gentler about that when there's five more nights of dancing than I would be otherwise), but that meant I spent some good time just hiding behind the bandshell catnapping and listening to just fucking magnificent music. I want want desperate want a recording of his Joie de Vivre set, it was just *magical*.

*FOUR SQUARE ON THE RAFT IS THE NEW BEST GAME AT PINEWOODS! And of course, we invented/found this game and the weather immediately got grumpy and rainy and Scottish and no one wanted to go play in the water anymore so we never played again. But there was like an hour and a half of it on Sunday.

*Also redacted details but one of my favourite comets3 and I get to see each other at Pinewoods every year, and this year was just _super_ good for it. Also, yes, it is absolutely possible to fit two people into the single4 bed in Kitty Alone, you just have to be very friendly and accept that one of y'all might have the windowsill digging into their leg the whole night. Luckily no one is sleeping very long at camp.

*Fred is SUCH AN AWESOME HIGHLAND TEACHER! We covered two dances in two days during session 1, and then refined one of them and learned another two dances in session two. Somehow I have now reached the point where I was in the demo set for things, which is terrifying, considering that everyone else in the demo set is either Triona (who started at the same time as me but actually practices and is good at Highland) or people who've been competing for like fifteen years.

*I mostly did not go to any classes except Highland, but I did make it to the cross-step waltz class, which was really good! It had one variation that I'd never seen before, some more practice on grapevines (which I suuuuck at), and there was about a ten second "and also pivots exist" near the end which I managed to corner Keira and get actual info about and then I did some real pivots with Val and internalized them well enough to teach them to Stephen and Alex. Now, these are all three super competent dancers, but I still felt pretty proud of myself and will try to throw those in next time I lead cross-step.

*The hardest part about doing secret rehearsals for secret Abbots Bromley is then not whistling the tune for the next three hours and giving away the secret. Also, our fool was complimented both times on their ability to hit the triangle in an appropriate and not overwhelming manner. Alsoalso, the fact that the Abbots Bromley is traditionally taught to Scottish dancers by being dragged into the woods by a veritable wizard is basically the Best Thing. Alsoalsoalso, I don't know what you are talking about I was definitely not part of any of this weird English ritual nonsense.


*Spent like four hours in what felt kinda like a con panel where we talked about old drama (and I (re?)learned a story that's important for me to know and now I have a clearer picture instead of just details) and the progression from gamergate to trump supporters and a bit of just tragic personal history of a friend of mine. It was a cozy night! Sad that all the stories were sad, but the greater world is sad right now, and Callahan has an adage about the importance of shared pain.

*Had very _very_ low amounts of polydrama/jealousy going on. This doesn't *always* happen at Pinewoods, and I swear there's a lot of camp beyond kissing people, but when you consider that I actively resisted camp for at least two years before originally going because I didn't want to be a seventh wheel, it's cool to have a year where all the relationships were able to be content with each other.

*I taught a workshop about "SCD for Crew"! It was about an hour, and I went into it wanting to cover five main things: the five basic Scottish steps, quicktime pousettes, allemandes, at least one corner figure, and dancing something without cues. We got through all those things! It helps that crew tends to have a crazy high dance ability!

*Speaking of crew, there were two nineteen year olds who I spent time with, both of whom make me very confused since I'm pretty sure I was in no way that chill or competent when I was nineteen. I want to be friends with both of them and am not sure I am cool enough to be so, also they apparently told other people I was awesome which just ???!??!!?

Apparently I'm getting old enough to have people look up to me, which is kinda nice and also ??!??!???.

*RAPPER RAPPER RAPPER I GOT TO DO RAPPER AND IT'S MY FAVOURITE DANCE FORM AND GODDAMNIT I WANT TO FORM A RAPPER TEAM GUUAHHHHHHH. Okay I just looked it up and it's like £35 a sword but I'm actually weirdly okay with the idea of sometime dropping $230 on this once I have a Real Job in order to facilitate having a team I want to do rapper _that bad_.

*Also our rapper teacher tried Scottish for the first time at ESC, and he did well and it was very charming and fun, *and* our Scottish teacher tried Contra for the first time and she had fun and THIS IS WHAT ESC IS FOR AND THIS IS WHY IT'S THE BEST SESSION!

*During Scottish I had two separate moments where I felt the need to subtweet about someone and instead just went ahead and told him because that makes more sense and is less drama-inducing. Plus, I only have one ex-boyfriend who's since gotten married, so like, if I talk about feeling compersion towards him and his wife, that's not really subtle and he knows it's him.

(The second spoken subtweet involved the phrase "bad decision hot" and no I'm not telling you any more about it.)

*I had two separate trips to Little Long Pond, both excellent in their own way. The first involved taking newfriends Austin and Phoebe during ESC, at which point we found out that the canal was much lower than normal and we had to tie up our canoe and wade through (this was awesome). On our way back, we touched two separate bouys in regular long pond. It is worth noting that due to pub night exhaustion, we were definitely only going to touch the canoe, not get into it, and definitely not paddle clear to the other side of the lake.

The second time was jere7my and I kayaking, which meant we were able to get out and port the kayak over the little waterfall and then do the canal properly. We saw a frog, and a tiny turtle, and we chased a green heron a bit and then we saw AN OTTER!!!! jere7my took some pictures!

*For the Star Wars vs Star Trek ball, I had Lise do up my hair in exquisite Leia buns, and I wore glitter and my Leiaish dress. I looked very beautiful and the buns did not come out despite doing Scottish dancing and later stilt-walking.

*The number of people catching and using my pronouns was magnificent. Also, I'm quite amused by some friends asking if it was okay if they used "she-shit-they" as my pronoun, as it was inevitably what happened. I will absolutely accept sheshitthey as my pronoun, yes, as I have used it myself occasionally by accident.

(Misgendering yourself is weird.)

*I had a job interview on changeover day between session 1 and session 2. It was...I mean, it was a phone interview and it only lasted about twenty minutes but I think I answered all of their questions well and I think I asked good questions of my own. I should be hearing back from them sometime this week upcoming maybe.

*Was in a ceilidh act attempting to hexify a Scottish square. It went solidly okay. Extra difficult in that one of our people didn't show up so I pulled my dance-sister Connie in on absolutely zero warning. I think this would make a better workshop than ceilidh for the future.

*Fucked up both my acts in the session 1 ceilidh, neither in ways anyone else would notice or care about. Felt...really bummed out about it, and got super quiet and brainwarped, which eventually culminated in me vanishing for a long while and eventually sobbing on the dock for a bit at one AM, because that's kinda what you do at Pinewoods at least once.

*I always feel a little weird that I basically never go to classes at Pinewoods. I think I pretty consistently average 1.5 classes a day or less, and inevitably the bulk of that is either Highland or Rapper.

*People seemed pleased by my classes on basic SCD technique during ESC, but I very much did not. I don't think I prepared well enough for them or did a good enough job teaching, and I especially fucked up the last day something thorough (in no small part to the complete lack of sleep beforehand). I suspect a lot of this is me being Too Hard on myself, but I also suspect that me being Too Hard on myself counts as bad even if sucking at teaching doesn't.

*Speaking of rapper, I managed to hit someone I like and respect very much in the face with a rapper sword because sometimes this sort of shit happens but also god_damnit_. She was very gracious.

*I managed to put my open water bottle into my bag at one point, which was a Dumb Idea. My camera got the brunt of the damage --it's completely broken, despite spending most of a week in a tub of rice (thank you crewwww). So I'll have to look into a new digital camera, siiiigh.

I am really sad that I have to put any notes into this category, because this is significantly worse than the bad category. But there you have it.

*There was a pretty blatant transphobic joke made by the bandleader and two of the musicians Wednesday night. Like, two dudes dressing up as women, being introduced as "our guest musicians [feminized versions of their names]" by the bandleader and a lot of wink-wink-nudge-nudge laughter involved. It was not okay, and I'm not looking forward to having to fight at the next TMC2 meeting about how this was Not Okay and how we need to explain that to the people involved.

(But I'm looking even less forward to being a part of a community where transphobic jokes are able to be the norm.)


Overall I had a REALLY REALLY good time, which is pretty typical for me. I enjoyed myself and played games and saw and made good friends and fucked about in a canoe and swam and so much dancing!

I am already looking forward to next year. <3


1: ESC = English Scottish Contra session at Pinewoods! Also called ESCape. Session 1 and Session 2 = the two official Scottish sessions at Pinewoods.

2: TMC is the Teaching and Music Committee of the Boston RSCDS branch. RSCDS is the Royal Scottish Country Dance Society. I'm a part of TMC both naturally and because someone from the Highland Ball needs to attend their meetings. We're the peeps who pick the MCs, Musicians, and Teachers for events like Pinewoods.

3: Comet is a term starting to appear in some branches of the poly community. It refers to someone who briefly comes into your life on a periodicish basis, and who you don't really date or communicate much with in between, but are always happy to pick back up where you left off. This particular comet started as my "James Dean relationship"3.a, and I adore him something fierce.

3.a: Live fast, die young, leave a pretty corpse. We went from zero to sexytimes in about a date and a half, we broke up after six months (both knowing it was coming; he was moving far away), we stayed friends. And sometimes more than friends.

4: Did you know that there is a name for the size of bed smaller than twin? Yeah, it's single. Singles are _very_ small.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Not that I've been posting often enough for anyone to notice, but I'm about to head to Pinewoods for two weeks! I am very very excited!

There will be friends and dancing and games and SPAAAAACE and mostly not me being online (and probably not me trying to write) but if you send me an email, I'll definitely see it.

Hugs, etc.

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Wayyyyy back in October, I was trying to do a writing challenge where I wrote about 31 characters that I related to. I kinda lost the thread, but I have this list sitting around of potentials, and I wanna keep trucking through it. Of course, the person for today was never on my original list. So it's good of me to get around to it.

In 2010, Emma Stone was in a cute little teen movie called Easy A. I saw a preview, kinda hated that I wanted to see it, eventually wound up getting a copy for free from a friend cleaning out her DVD collection, and finally watched it probably sometime in 2012 or 2013. About six months ago, it struck me that I had it on the shelf and I had enjoyed it so I should watch it again, right?

Right. Absolutely one hundred percent right, because this film is fantastic. It's smart and funny and caring and Olive Pendergast is basically a thousand percent me in high school. Except, you know, the central plot of the movie.

But you know how every once in a while someone is all "there but for the grace of god go I"? Like, I don't think God had anything to do with it, but damn, had my life been just a little bit different...yeah. Yeahhhh. It's not that I necessarily wanted to be a big ol' slut or have The Reputation1, but the drive to make people happy? More importantly, the reluctant decision to sacrifice my own happiness and well-being for the benefit of others? Hoboy.

That moment in the guidance councilor's office, right after she gets slapped is so me it hurts. Like, this is clearly not what she wants to be saying or doing, but it will Make Someone Else's Life Easier. And if you're not doing that, then what's even the point of life, right?

If you ever observe me acting selfishly, please understand that it took years of work and deprogramming to get to that space. I still don't naturally do things for myself with anywhere near the ease as I do them for others. And yeah, it's never gone as badly as it does for Olive2 but it's not always a good thing. As the saying goes, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I'm glad she gets her John Hughes ending at the end of the movie. I'm glad she has parents who love her (and on a mostly unrelated note, I fucking love how accurately this movie presents being a smart slightly weird kid with weird parents). I'm glad she survives her ordeal with an incontrovertible sense of humour.

And I hope in the future, she can hold onto herSelf enough to think twice before giving it up to someone else.


1: Fun fact! In high school, especially tenth grade, I was functionally asexual! Like, straight up sex-repulsed super ace. I wish I had had the term then, because I didn't (not really) and it might've made it easier to cope with the fact that I wasn't into any of this.

2: I mean...trigger warning it didn't go as badly for me, I *just* wound up in an abusive relationship for the better part of a year that I still haven't fully recovered from. But that's neither here nor there.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Brain ebbs and brain flows. Right now, I'm in a good space. More worrisome, I'm on day two or three of a good space, which means my entire life is going to come crashing down like day after tomorrow.

On the plus side I got put on another therapist's waiting list, and I have an appointment on Monday for potential intake/placement. Whee! And I have most of the next two weeks essentially off, which means I'm gonna have fuckall ability to get shit done, of course, because no routine.

Sometimes I can't tell whether I'm being depressed or realistic and it's annoying as hell.

Anywho, a quick todo list for the next few days:
TMC minutes, Pinewoods costuming and packing, apply for all the jobs, maybe work some? Work on my room for suresies. I should probably make some Active Effort on getting my place into some semblance of livable --I'd like to have access to a desk again (especially because then I could reinstate the rule where I'm not allowed to use the lappy in bed which might be good.)

What else...

Last night's dance was _really good_. It was solely dances from books 1-3, which means among other things we got to do the SCD version of the Virginia Reel. (People get annoyed by this sort of thing, which means I go up to both the teacher and the teacher-coordinator and explicitly anti-complain about having weird historical stuff to try).

There were some other really (physically) hard dances too, and the whole thing ended off with Mari's Wedding. This is great, except that my legs hurt and I have a billion hours of squares and rounds today and then highland tomorrow. I look forward to continuing to torment my body (I should do my pushups).

I have made a new friend! It's a new internet friend, which is the _best kind_. His name is Quads (well okay, technically it's something about quadrilaterals, but I started calling him Quads and then he changed his nick to match so I'm going with it) and he's into musical theatre and used to dance. I met him through the most recent incarnation of The Pie Shop, which let me tell you it is so important to my brain to have access to an IRC-like, apparently. Not enough for me to actually get into IRC (because honestly, at least half of the desire is a place to chill with mek), but having a general chatroom to harass people and the like is great.

I should really get into Slack, shouldn't I?

I've also _finally_ put together my Dreamwidth friends list, so I can actually come read over here. This is a good thing! This means I'ma read LONG FORM BLOGGING! And then maybe someday I will comment on LONG FORM BLOGGING and even get more people to do it, damnit.

Dunno. Not too much else to say, but glad to be saying things. This has been a bad year for writing AND LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN DEPRESSION GETTING WORSE AND NOT WRITING NOPE.

Hearts and stuff.

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Here are my plans for the week!

I didn't get called in to substitute, which means today is a Day Off. I set myself three goals for the day (wash hair, call a therapist, apply for a job) and I have completed the first two! I also sent out the survey for the Highland Ball.

Other stuff I might do today includes creating a rough draft of the TMC minutes from our June meeting, and finally getting my shit together about making a DW friends list so I can come back here proper. More immediately, I'm gonna go get some lunch.

a'ight, pasta water's boiling. Carry on, self!

Normal nannying day. Head to MIT after for squaresing. Fuck around MIT from 4ish to 7ish more computer-based stuff? Work on the Highland Ball Bible? Apply for a job, for sursies. Maybe work on a secret project. Go to Squares and dance a lot, then come home and sleep.

Oh, I know, tomorrow's Big Task will be designing the buttons for ESCape

This is where I suddenly stop having a job for a few weeks, because I was gonna go to NYFaerieFest but then...I'm not. Anywho, hopefully I will work at the bananamines in the afternoon. The evening will be the last Highland class until September, gosh!

I'm not technically nannying, but I'm gonna go out and accompany Rbeast and her other nanny to playgroup, for last playgroup. Because I like all the adults there (and also all the kids) dag-nabbit! After, I'm gonna head to Arlington and babysit the little bear while her mother gets work done.

Picnic lunch plans. The morning will involve preparing said picnic lunch, unless I'm really useful Thursday night. Then picnic lunch on the commons with a friend, and maybe bananamines in the afternoon if I'm lucky. Should possibly throw my name out there for general work accessibility. *SHRUGS*

I actually have no plans for the weekend, but I could find a ride to ESC and pack for Pinewoods's and other stuff like that. Also clean my room. Also maybe a social of some sort??

I am taking over RBeastcare on...Wednesday, I think. My planner knows for certain, I'll double-check.
Basically no other plans except "Scavenge work because money" and "prep for Pinewoods".

And that's me!

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Wayyyy back in 2000, I played in my first LARP.

I mean, okay, I was a prop and a game baby in multiple LARPs in the '89-92ish range, and I remember being at Oscars '96 and Arabian Nights '99 (the latter of which dad scrawled me a little handmade unofficial badge about halfway through the weekend because I kept participating and stuff). But Oscars 2000 was my Very First LARP in terms of being given a character ahead of time and playing the whole weekend and being old enough to actually for realsies participate.

I played actress Mallory Tyrone, who was your standard bratty coming-of-age child actress. Somewhere I have all my notes and everything --I'm pretty sure I never got rid of them. My character packet for the weekend included a list of contacts and some out-of-game mechanics stuff, and a list of goals --things to strive for! I achieved very nearly all of them, because I'm a perfectionist damnit (and also because I was eleven and my daddy was one of the game masters and I probably wasn't given anything too arduous to achieve.)

One of those goals was to get signed with an agent! Now, I-as-person already had an agent (my mom's friend Butler is the agent to all three of us kids, as declared at Oscars '96). But Mallory Tyrone had no such thing! With all the brashness and confidence I could muster, I set forth to finding such a beast! I met a very nice woman (who in real life had a couple of kids within a few years age of me and my sibs) and she agreed to represent me, and by the end of the weekend, we had hashed out a contract and everything.

In my contract, I specified a very important stipulation: While on set, I was to have pasta every night for dinner. By which I pretty much meant "some kind of pasta, possibly filled, with tomato sauce, and ideally shake-cheese on top." The dreams of eleven year olds, amIrite? Forget important things like how much money I'd make or whether I have to do topless scenes, I just wanted to make sure I had access to my favourite dinner every night.

I am now 28 years old. I have very little Mallory Tyrone left in me1. But you know what? I've eaten chicken tortellini with tomato sauce for lunch every day this week. I am not sick of it. I do not feel like I'm missing out. There's a very good chance I'll make another batch for lunches next week.

I've long since lost track of that agent, but you know what? That's okay. Katarina Whimsy can make their own dreams come true.

And it's awesome.


1: Although I still collect autographs whenever remotely possible or reasonable. And I'm still willing to be the one to ask people out --one of the goals was to have a date to the Oscars event on Saturday night, and by god if I didn't find the only boy remotely my age and stumble through the most delightfully awkward eleven year old "SO THIS IS TOTALLY JUST IN GAME, BUT WANNA BE MY DATE IN GAME?!" My brain wants to say he gave me a flower, or a kiss on the cheek, or something equally twee when we met up, but that may just be the storyteller in me.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Okay, so like, I haven't done a comprehensive check-in in a while. So here are some aspects of my life and how they're going.

Romantic life: Largely really good. I will maybe write a goofy shipping status thing in little bit, but let's just go with "I'm happy, still poly, my partners seem pleased with things, working on better communication, etc."

Professional life: Largely really awful. I'm working as a nanny four days a week, and don't get me wrong, the kid is great and its parents are great (yo, hey friends!), but I don't actually want to be working with a two year old for a living so while the day-to-day is fine, my longterm stuff is rubbish. So I'm gonna be looking for something else for the 2017-18 school year.

("Wait, weren't you working at an awesome..." yes. Yes, last year I had a pretty great math teacher job, and I really liked it. The teaching style they were looking for did not align with the style I have, and I was not re-hired.)

Student life: Iiiiii should take the GED so I can get into grad school for the...well, at this point it's pretty much gonna be the 2018-19 school year. But yeah. I want my master's degree because it will help immensely with the professional life part. You should feel free to bother me about this.

Dance life: Dance life is...okay but, look, I love dancing more'n anything and it's amazing, but I'm running a lot of stuff and it's weird and a little stressful. I am running the Boston Highland Ball (please send in your applications, I want more applications faster please!) which is certainly going (but will be over in a month, yay). I am also running a third of English-Scottish-Contra week at Pinewoods, which is going well because Meghan and Dan are _amazing_ and I love them. I'm not currently getting my second level SCD candidacy, but I will probably start thinking about that in another year or so. Sometimes I get to teach and it's super cool! I'm performing at NEFFA in...a week and a day, please come see me dance on Sunday!

Oh, and I'm still doing Highland (as often as I can manage). I keep swearing I'll go to Bluesy sometime, but...I...don't? I'd say it's complicated, but see "mental health" below. :P Ditto Squares.

Physical Health: Pretty good! I'm biking about eight miles a day, and I'm in pretty good shape. I did, admittedly, get doored the other day and the part where my knee hit the pavement has made me all sad inside (and bruised outside), but neither I nor my bike were seriously hurt so it's all good!

Mental Health: There's this great line in "Across the Universe" said by the PTSDing dude who just came back from 'Nam: Everything below the neck works fine.


But yanno, it's no longer winter, which'll probably help me chin up some? I will probably make a separate little post about this, because it's too much to go into in one post. Short version: Still ADHD, possibly depressed, need therapy, also need to stop having trouble with my health insurance (May 1st).

Creation and Art: I was drawing on the regular, which was cool, and then I lost track of that. I need to get back into it. But I also _really_ need a place to put my art, because it's depressing not being able to archive it anywhere, and Twitter's just not cutting it. If you have a 2D art archive you like...let me know? Not deviantArt, thanks.

Geogames: I have inexplicably joined a Munzee guild, and helped do my share for every month so far this year. That's...weird and wacky. But there you have it, I am being slightly more dedicated about Munzee and I'd love to have adventure-partners. I'll post about this more somewhere maybe?

Also I am one of those freaks still playing PokemonGo, despite it being well after the game came out. I dunno, I just find it fun and relaxing!

Other Stuff: I...don't totally know that I've got a lot of other stuff going on right now. I've been watching more TV than I used to (I blame Netflix and also depression). I've got a Habitica group that's pretty awesome, and I'm trying real hard to be a good person there. Sometimes I play board games! Sometimes I go hang out in the sunshine?

How're you? What's going on in your life?

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
State of the Social Media, 2017

Hi friends!! It's been a loooong time since I last checked in about this, and Russia has made an update Weirdly Relevant, so let's talk social media! I'm gonna post this everywhere I mention, except on Twitter where I'll just link it, because I do not hate my twitter friends that much.

SO! I use social media! Let's talk about which and how. This is going to be a real-person post, which means long and rambling. I may make a tl;dr for Facebook.

Livejournal:(KDSorceress) WELL OKAY FINE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT. I WON'T USE THIS ANYMORE. Okay, no, realistically I have given up on online privacy *and* my Russian-speaking-friend who uses LJ doesn't seem to be bailing, but given that EVERYONE ELSE has pretty much finally's time to drop it entirely, and that's a bummer. So I'm gonna turn off cross-posting (MASSIVE WINCE) and abandon the place I've updated at least once a month for the last 161 months1. That's over thirteen years, my livejournal is old enough to start its own livejournal.

But it's okay because I'll be finally fully transitioning to...

Dreamwidth:(Sorcyress Wooooo! Open-source! Community-controlled! Transparency and not randomly deleting journals and not run by a government that thinks Teh Gay is a major league problem and why was I on elljay in the first place? Anywho, DW is where I put long-style thoughts, and Real Serious Life Stuff! It's my (new) home. I have never given up on longform personal blogging, and I still love it more'n anything, and I want the rest of you to return to it.

Meanwhile, you can also find Real Serious Life Stuff on...

Twitter:(@Sorcyress) This is where I have been dumping my serious stuff in sortof the immediate, because...I...also don't have attention for longform blogging right now? Please see my eighty part tweet-saga on "does Kat have health insurance and/or medication for their ADHD this week?", which I have been performing 140 characters at a time for the last six months. Also, there's a *lot* of selfies. If you wanna see my face, you gotsta follow my tweets.

Tumblr:(Sorcyress My Tumblr is an uncoordinated cesspit, and I mostly just reblog stuff that I theoretically want to follow up on later somehow, but then don't. I really should stop using Tumblr. You are welcome to follow me there, I provide no original content and very little original commentary, but you might still find my curation cool or useful or something.

Meanwhile, on the offline side of the internet you have...

Facebook:(Firstname Lastname, go ahead and ping me privately if you want it) Facebook is what I use to speak to lots of people at once --lots of "hey I need a thing from y'all" but also it's the place where my party ideas show up and invites and stuff. I also post a weirdly high amount of genderstuff, because I remain eternally thrilled that Facebook lets me set my gender accurately and my pronoun correctly. Anyways, because Facebook has my wallet name attached instead of my handle, I also behave all delicately and professionally and whatnot. This means I don't swear on my own page2, and don't link to my handle!

Places I am no longer include: deviantART,, any other forums...Iunno. The rest of the world I used to be on? Oh yeah, OKCupid, which isn't really social media and I never really used it, but I've pretty much wholly abandoned it. And that one bounty-hunter3 website that a certain subset of my friends list is thinking of, yes I still have an account, every few months I'll post a thing, but I hardly ever read or do anything else.

Places I am not currently that you probably are: Instagram (I haven't gotten around to it), Pintrest (I fundamentally object to their screwing up of Google Image searches), Snapchat (Technically I have one, every few months I remember to look at my sister's timeline, but I do not "get" it like at all)

Separate from social media, if you wanna get in touch with me, you can...

Text me! After two decades of fundamentally hating telephones, I finally got a tiny-pocket-computer-that-incidentally-makes-phone-calls and I like it very much. I like getting random texts, and will do my best to respond, if whatever my job is allows it.

IM me! I still looooove instant messanger, even though I'm not always the best at using it. When I am on the computer, I have access to GTalk and AIM (username on both: kdsorceress), when I'm on the phone, just GTalk.

Call me? mean, I like having phone calls very rarely with a smallish subset of the People I Like, so please don't randomly call me for conversation without pinging me otherwise first? But if that's a thing you like, I mean, try pinging me and we'll see!

Skype me! (Or Google Hangouts or whatever --the kleenex problem is coming for you, Skype.) I especially like utilizing this for the "I'ma work on cleaning my room and you work on cleaning your room" type stuff. Last big Skype chat I had, Tailsteak was inking or something, and I made a LEGO set! (my skype is Sorcyress, my google is kdsorceress)

Email me! Oooo, I love getting emails! I am _absolutely terrible_ at replying to emails. You will not bother me if you send me reminder emails to reply to your email. Seriously. It is good for me! (kdsorceress at gmail dot com)

Is there anything I'm missing? If you wish to get in touch with me on a social media I didn't specify, go ahead and email me at [insert appropriate email here]. Or leave a comment or whatever!

Yay social media!


1: Except two, back in 2005 because I was being a petulant and sulky baby.

2: My grandfather objects, and again, I try to pretend that Facebook is professional even though I have it locked up pretty tight privacy wise. Of course, it's sFB, so those privacy settings could randomly change any day now.

3: I am very clever! Do you like how clever I am?
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
(This entry started on Twitter):

Welp, the point in LeftoverSoup where I decided not to read any further ahead has just arrived. Five
strips left, and I'll read 'em honest.

I'm pretty sure I've been sneaking ahead in the archives since the 200s or so. A loooooong time. Even earned myself a boon once for it!

But LeftoverSoup is on its way out and I wanna give it at least a little bit of respect there. It's...important to me.

Approx 995 strips ago, I found the talented and famous @tailsteak and started sending random @-
replies. To my utter shock, he returned them!

That parlayed into chatting on the forum and to sending email* and to one of my best friends in the world and that's really cool.

So, if you've never read LeftoverSoup, now's a great time --you'll likely finish right when the comic does. It's a hell of a run.

...And its creator is a hell of a guy. I can't wait to see what he does next. <3

((*emails --ah, footnote's too long for here, I'll just have to put it in LJ instead.))


Hopefully I'll write a longer memorium sometime later. It's a really fascinating comic, written by a clever and fascinating guy. It ends next Monday, April 10th, and is probably the only webcomic I'll ever read consistently, every update as it updates, for the entire run. ((Skin Horse has already had a healthy chunk in the middle where I stopped reading for a while, and I can't think of very many others I actually started at the beginning.))


*So, Tailsteak is the only person I've ever met who could meet a random womanish** person online, send her a bunch of porn, and parlay that into a six year friendship. He is one suave motherfucker!

((Yes of course there's more detail to that story, but it's more fun without it.))

**For the purposes of being sent internet pornography, I definitely align myself with my female-socialization and...opposite of privilege? Basically, if you send dicks at me, unless you are the aforementioned suave motherfucker above, I am probably going to feel like you're trying to assert male power over me-as-female and feel attacked.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I still have under 600 unread emails, but it was a close thing. I got an email from my friend nagging me about a thing I need nagging on (this is a good thing) but it made me freak out and want to avoid my entire email inbox because like...I cannot get my daily for that unless I make sure to do all my emails for the day and soooo.

But I've recently come back and the last two days I've at least looked at everything. Which is good.

I still don't have health insurance (I found out a week ago that it's been terminated). I really need to work on going through mail and calling mass health and figuring out why it was turned off and how I turn it on again, but boyyyy that is just...not...happening right now. Maybe having mek around will make it easier, and maybe I will just not have health insurance or meds until mid-April, because that's an awesome thing for me innit?

Diiiiid I mention I have a mek? I am pretty pleased I have a mek. It was a sudden surprise of "so, I can actually visit you in like three weeks if that works for you" thing, and I said yes and so he rode a train cross country to come see me, look, I'm not saying my boyfriends are better than yours but have any of yours hung out on a train for four days just to bring you a dead spider in a snow globe I think NOT!

Highland Ball stuff is continuing apace. I'm actually in a weird gentle space where I'm a lot less behind on everything and feel a lot less stressed about it all. Really, right now I'm a lot less anxious and a lot more depressed, and so that's pretty good, except for the part where I'm a lot more depressed. I'm working on it, they lied.

On the plus side, I did clear off most of my bed. Granted, this was a lot of pileating, but it was a noble attempt.

Wheeeee, I finished my words before mek came back from brushing his teef! Gold star for me!

((I know this entry is crap and disconnected, but I haven't written anything in here for over two weeks.))

How's you?

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I'm down to fewer than 600 unread emails! That hasn't happened in basically forever!! Yayyyyy!!!!!!

Things I accomplished today as well as that (look, I've now gone through all the emails from 2017, okay, I feel pretty great about that part):

*Got called by the caterers, called them back, and will be sent a proposal so that THINGS ARE MOVING FORWARDS and oh gods, I just, this has been stressing me out so much thank christ.

(Now I can be stressed out about EVERYTHING ELSE to do with running the Ball, but this post is not the place for it)

*Made a Facebook event page for the Highland Ball to begin advertising that-a-way. Invited a bunch of people to come to the ball.

*Went to the post office in order to send some postcards (from my party like two weeks ago, eep) and also a package of delicious coffee to an internet stranger in the hopes that he sends me stickers. No I am not five YOU'RE FIVE.

*Went to the bank and got quarters. Yay quarters! Now I can do more laundry, and also pay my roommate back for her quarters that I ruthfully borrowed yesterday. Okay, technically I already did pay her back. And I don't have too much terrible laundry left to do, being as I did a bunch yesterday.

*Unrelated: Ohmygod, s00j's song of the month is an acoustic of Goddess and just Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn THIS SONG OKAY?! Like, it doesn't make me burst into messy tears all over the place1, instead, it's just...this is me. I am a person who falls in love casually and constantly with all the beautiful women I see throughout the world. I am mostly able to not act like an idiot about it.

*Ate a real dinner. Okay, I mean, ramen with egg and veggies, but damnit, that's like cooking. Weirdly, I am fully capable of taking care of myself food-wise without knowing much about cooking.3

*Also like I worked and stuff. I drew a catdog for Rbeast, which was pretty cute. I really need to find a place to store art that isn't dA. Or Flickr, which I have grown disillusioned with. I wish the internet would stop changing shittily, or that I wasn't so curmudgeonly as to view all changes as bad. Not sure which.

That's me! It was a pretty good day.


1: Yet.2

2: Look, the first song at my first NYFF was "Mushroom Song" and I sobbed like a fucking idiot-baby-child.

3: ...I'm not going to include the original text of this footnote, because holy unresolved issues, batman. You wanna know the nice thing about people being out of your life? You can get angry at the memory, and then done with it. ((Not a kSatyr reference, for once))
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Yesterday was a Bad Day. I wrote most of an entry, here you go:

Content Warning: Depression

Everything came to a head and I skipped dance in favour of hiding in the basement and curling into a little tight Katball1 Eventually I started sobbing, probably not as quietly as I thought, because I managed to summon my sir in about a minute and a half.

It's been almost seven years formal and more'n nine informal and I really really hate that I'm still so messed up that I need to sob blankly on his shoulder and I am still flabbergastedly lucky that he loves me so much and cares for me so much and is the one person in all the world I can consistently count on to come find me when I cry.

I used to dream of someone noticing I was missing and coming to find me. I can only take help if it's offered, and I dreamed for years and _years_ of someone actually doing so and suddenly it was NEFFA and being dragged out into the sunshine and given a hug and actually genuinely cared about and suddenly eight years of wanting something became true and...

...and it hasn't stopped being true. Crying alone in the bathroom in fifth grade was over a decade and a half ago.

Anyways, "why now" and "why today" are what my mind is wondering, what caused the stress and anxiety and eight hundred things I have not done to finally bubble over. I think I know: it's because I let myself read. And I think my brain knows reading books --reading randomly and joyously and spontaneous things I picked up off the shelf for no one but myself-- is a selfish act and a leisure act and not something I can justify in any way as being good for me.

(Even PokeGo at least gets the excuse that I was outside and walking)

I read five Clementine books (where was she when I was a child, I have always needed these books.) and I need to buy copies of all of them someday, I love them so very much in no small part because they feel so familiar. And then I read a book called the Book Scavenger, which is excellent and has my new favourite geogame and also some ciphers (<3 <3 <3!!!). I enjoyed all of it.

None of them were books that I checked out from the library and therefore need to read. Nor the ARC of Magic for Nothing that I won from Seanan McGuire (and I am really truly absolutely thrilled to have won it and I hate how scared I am that I'm not even going to manage to read it in a remotely timely manner.)

They were just...frivolous, but worse, JOYFUL frivolous, not like the usual depressive mind rot of quietly playing video games.

1: Katball is never actually a good thing. If I tell you on IM that's what I'm doing, it's because I want attention and affection and distraction amd anything to make me feel like less of a colossal fuckup.


...and that's as far as I got last night. I fell very asleep while trying to work out how much life I was about to lose in Habitica and whether I could mitigate it at all. (Woke up at about 1:30, which was enough time to brush my teeth and double-check my alarm being set and the like).

Today has been better, but largely and only because I've been looking dedicatedly forward to having a Getting Things Done night with Kate Monster2.

Okay, and also today has been better because I found a dead rabbit in pretty good condition and ruthfully convinced [Unknown site tag] to put it in his freezer for me (ie: I asked if I could store it there and he offered to grab it for me) and now I have brought it to Kate as a friendship offering3. Yay! ((Yes, I texted Kate first to make sure she was actually still into taxidermy and dead things, I am not that much of an asshole. Alsoyes, all the Kates I know are into taxidermy. It's pretty cool.))

Soyeah. I'm gonna go and try and deal with the fucking *weeks* of email backlog that I've been ignoring. Especially important since a majority of it is relatively simple input to IMPORTANT DANCE STUFF and arrrgaggggggagagg. Other goals for tonight potentially involve editing and sending out three months backlog of TMC minutes, and mebbe drawing an Artbook4 for Sexy Self Comics Day tomorrow.

((Terminal optimism is how I fight Depression, and virtually everything else wrong with my brain.))


2: Kate Monster is a friend from college! No really, I met her at like...the pre-college orientation and then again on the very first day and found out she's into rpgs and cool shit like that. Alas, she was an AiB kid, so we never had any classes together, and mostly didn't get a chance to hang when actually in college.

But we've been Facebook friends all this time, and a couple weeks ago when I posted "anyone wanna do a Diesel Work-in-Company" she jumped. We closed out Diesel, and then spent ninety minutes in sub-freezing temperatures chatting about pokemon, the internet, friends, and our respective lives. It was really good!

She texted me on Friday asking if I wanted to do another one, so that's why we're hanging out at the Harvard Sq Starbucks tonight. :3

3: I have "Red Roses and Dead Things" stuck in my head and it's totally making me wish I was romantically interested in Kate in the slightest (even separate from her presumed-mono boyfriend, I'm just...not?) Like she's cool as hell and I want to be her friend and for her to think I'm neato, but I have brought dead things to someone just as a friend and I am a little sad at the missed opportunity.

4: Artbooks are my little eight (well, okay, six and a front cover and a very minimal back cover) page sketchbooks that I make for random occasions such as "have some time, paper, and a pencil". I have like, two incomplete ones right now that I really ought to do, SIGH. But I also tend to do one every other year or so for SSCD.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Okay, so, there’s a movement tomorrow to do a witchy spell at the stroke of midnight. Specifically to bind 45, to prevent him from doing any (more) damage to any living human or creature or thing.

I am not a witch. I am not remotely Wiccan. I don' spells, not formalized spells, certainly not spells created by other people.

(I have cast-prayed before, on very rare occasion. I quietly lay altars and speak to my goddesses and send the energy out I can and ask for the guidance I need. I regular-pray damn near every night --if you've ever heard me recite the star-wish song1 and then fall silent for a moment, gazing at the sky, you've witnessed it.)

However. However. I am not a witch and probably never will be (though Sir PTerry has a better sales pitch than anything else I've ever seen or heard). But I'm not doing anything else at midnight tomorrow, and I actually have all the components. So much of humanity rests on belief, maybe if I can help add to this one, it'll do some good.

(And even though I'm not twenty-six and mad as hell anymore, I'm still a witchka and will probably never drop the diminutive for myself. Witchka, little witch, it just feels _right_.)

Anyways, you can find the ritual I'm planning to use here, in case that's of interest to you. I've dug through my tarot decks and have all five towers2 charging on my altar3.

Hey, it's more fun than sleeping anyways.


1: You know this one. It begins with declarations of light and bright, and then an oft-modified line about the number of stars I've seen that night.

2: Well, okay, technically it's four towers and XVI: (In)Dependance from my hand-drawn major arcana. Which I should *really* scan and post, and even more really finish sometime. I drew it like three-four years ago at this point, and I was surprised looking through it by how much I still like it and relate to it. I renamed a lot of cards though. I don't feel the slightest bit about it, the whole point of tarot is to use it to focus myself.

3: I have an altar now, bytheway. I set it up originally at the Sanctuary, but I actually made a point of moving it when I moved, and maintaining it. I don't do a lot with it, but the big rule is that Nothing Goes On That Shelf Ever unless it's part of the altar stuff. Which is like nine tenths rocks, because boy, do I have a weird and complicated and important relationship with rocks that I should talk about sometime.

I'd post pictures, but you know. Matthew 6:5-6. ;)

Edit: On further contemplation, I'm not going to perform this --see comment thread with Keshwyn on DW.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Trigger Warning: Rape and emotional abuse talk. Happy anniversary! :p

So I guess I should talk about it.

Ten years ago today, I started dating kSatyr. Officially like, with the whole "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend" conversation. Things were...already not good in some ways. I don't have good notes from that far back. (I don't have any notes from late August to early December, because that was the hard drive that died and the diary that disappeared and oh I miss it I miss it so.)

I don't think he'd raped me yet, at that point. I know I was already dealing with his whinging, demanding, broken-brained manipulation and emotional abuse. I have no excuse for it, I never have really, except that he had a desperate all-encompassing clinging need which only I could fill, and I was too young to know that's not attractive.

It was years after we broke up before I ever heard the line "don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm".

I hope he's figured out how to fix himself, in the time since. Goddess knows how much effort I've put into the trick. I'd be surprised if he wasn't willing to put in the same, except this was a man twice my age who acted decades younger than me, so actually, I wouldn't be surprised at all.

I wonder sometimes what narrative he tells himself about how it all went down. I wonder if he knows he raped me --I know it would kill him to hear me say it. Good. Let my truth choke him. I haven't even tried looking at his livejournal since I got Kela --and that's been, gosh, more'n three years.

(After we broke up, he told me I had to defriend him, and that I had to make all my posts friends-locked. I told him I wanted to keep writing publicly, that sometimes I have people reading my journal without accounts of their own (Hi Tailsteak!). He told me if I wouldn't acquiesce, he'd tell my mom how far we'd gotten, you know, sexually.

I called his fucking bluff. And eventually, I did unfriend him. I don't know when he stopped reading my journal. The last time I ever talked to him was in 2011. The last time I ever _will_ talk to him was in 2011.)

A lot of this has already been gone over, exhaustively, in TherapyFilter. Or more exhaustively in BehindtheWalls versions 2.0 and 2.1, and in thousands and thousands of my 750words. I have written _a lot_ about kSatyr, and the damages he left behind.

I don't really feel damaged today. Just tired.

In nine months and ten days, it will be December 2nd. It will be the ten year anniversary of being free from him. (Nevermind the hooks that took another year and more to pull out. Nevermind the four years before I could again hold Emily in my arms. Nevermind the scars on my mind that will never totally go away, because this is always going to be a part of me.). I am planning to celebrate that day. I will let my friends know if they can be a part of it.

Be good to each other. We're all we have in this world.


Trigger Warning: Rape and emotional abuse talk. Happy anniversary! :p
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Accomplishments of the recent:

*On Saturday, I went on a very long walk with my roommate Liz. It was a good bonding experience, and also a very nice time. The nominal goal was for me to buy a planner, and maybe also a watch1, and also we wanted to stop by some CVSs for potential half-price valentines candy. All of these goals were accomplished! Shockingly, the two of us bought almost nothing else, despite stopping at Black Ink, Joie de Vivre, Paper Source, and Bob Slate Stationary, all of which are places I could easily spend two hundred dollars.

We also did some serious pokemanning. And walked approximately 19k steps --I worked out our path on google maps afterwards, and found it to be 5.8 miles. Woooooo!

*On Sunday I, uh...I think I zero-day'd2 actually. Damn.

*But today! Today was better! Well, today had a kinda iffy part in the middle, but on the whole it was better and it certainly wasn't a zero day. Things I did today include:

**Going grocery shopping
**Cleaning my room a bit, including my bedside table
**Sending one Very Important email
**Taking the necessary measurements to finally work on making the shelves I want in my room

So I'm feeling better-than-yesterday. I also went out to dance, where I actually danced five dances. This is out of eight, which is significantly better than the like...three I usually do. I genuinely like Scottish Dance, I've just been a poop lately.

Also, I had a super-massive social success in that I got an invitation to "come see our little indoor winter garden and have some tea, maybe a meal" from Henriette, one of my favourite dance ladies! This is a woman who decided to *start* SCD in her _mid-eighties_ because she is clearly insane and also super brave and awesome and wonderful.

(She started because she met Ian, who is one of my favourite dance gents, at our booth at the Watertown faire and they fell immediately in love and got married like six months later and now it's been a year and they waltz while looking deep into each other's eyes and THEY ARE SO CUTE AND GREAT!!! So, uh, in case you were worrying for yourself or your future, it is totally possible to find true love everlasting when you're 80+ and everyone around you will think you're epic-awesome for it.)

So that's me. I still have ten thousand billion things to do with everything, but I'm trying. I was filling in my friend Linda (who is the most diplomatic and wonderful lady at all of dance and gods I want to have footwork as good as hers when I'm 40, let alone 60+) in some of the mental health stuff I've been undergoing, and got the chance to remember for myself that I am a Terminal Optimist, and that hasn't changed even though my brain is useless.

Oh! Speaking of mental health stuff and other accomplishments:

*I went to see my GP about mental health stuff. It went pretty well --she is down with the idea of potentially prescribing me other stuff if I need it in the future, and while the Harvard Vanguard behavioral health department is booked until September (!!!!), she gave me a couple good places to start looking.

*Also I remembered to get my STI screening, since it's been a while, oops. (I tried to get it last December, but that was in the middle of having no insurance). The blood draw was super quick, but dang, I've had way more bruising than usual.

So I'm still here. And I'm still awesome, even when it's hard to be.

If you're free Friday, you should come over to my house at 8:00pm and sing the entirety of They Might Be Giants' "Flood". You'll get to hang out with my mom!


1: My tentative budget for a watch was no more than $40. I have no pressing need for a watch right now, I've just wanted one for a while, and am a hero of time. Joie had fancy-funny adult ones for $45, none of which exactly struck my fancy, and then they had "for children and small adults" for $15, which is why I now have a BRIGHT ORANGE watch that is covered with lizards. There is even a tiny lizard inside the watch who counts the seconds for me. Her name is Dionne Strider.

2: Zero Days, as in "no more". It's a thing that Brenton told me about, from like...the Reddit bodybuilder dudes, I think. The concept is that every day you do at least *one* thing towards your goals. Even really small one thing. I have enough things to do that this is a really good plan to build towards.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Accomplishments of the time period (like a week? I think it’s been a week).

SO YOU’LL NOTICE I STOPPED MAKING POSTS. Well, Sparr noticed at least, and gave me a request for a status update which is INCREDIBLY USEFUL and not the slightest bit naggy. (Or, like, it if is naggy, it’s exactly the sort I need right now, because damn I’m useless at shit.)

I had several super weird days in a row, due to sister being in town and being in Albany for work. Plus I now appear to have a cold, which is shitty and I don’t like it. So basically I have not accomplished anything in the last week, which is why I haven’t made posts. Let’s see if I can pretend there are at least a few asterisks to make?

*I successfully wrangled the heck out of a two year old on a train and in a completely different state. I got compliments passed onto me via A, about how good a job I was doing with the Rbeast. Yay! I like my job. ((I do not want this job forever —I am not naturally disposed1 to nannying a small child— but I’m glad it’s currently working for me))

*I took a shower last night. Look, we’re just not going to talk about the number of showers I’ve had lately, other than it’s way lower than it should be. I’m trying _really fucking hard_ to fix this one, because stinky is bad.

*Rbeast and I went to the rally on Wednesday! I also went to the state house, where I met my state representative, and badgered the staff of my senator! I am absolutely going to be going to as many marches and rallies as I can manage to wrangle the two year old to.

*Spent lots of positive time with Alys, including a trip to the Garment District, watching Easy A and Cutthroat Kitchen, and making foooood. Also pokemans.

*Managed to go visit friends-I-don’t-see-often twice this week (three times if you count the bananamines, though that was admittedly incidental to hanging with Alys).

*Tended bar for an hour!! (no really). I may have impressed some of the SCDfolk by knowing how to count back change properly. That and facing money are mom’s legacy on “why Kat is a bit of a weird and outdated retail person”.

*Went to Highland for the first time in like…two months. Did passably well. Was only moderately exhausted. It was just me and Rebecca, which was nice. Learned the first two steps of a new dance, and reviewed Flora, Blue Bonnets, and the Hornpipe. Was complimented on the right half of my high-cuts (with the corresponding “jegus fuck, what’s up with the left there?”2)

I…think that’s all for now. I’m not gonna bother sorting it, because it’s mostly all small stuff. But yanno, small stuff is still stuff. I've been super lost and unmotivated and completely lacking in executive function this last week. I can fix that though. Maybe probably hopefully please?


1: “inclined” is definitely correct. I mean this in terms of “disposition”. I am quite sure I am using the word wrong, anyone wanna help out?

2: Okay, no, this is not a direct quote even a little bit. Robert is a kind and diplomatic soul, he will totally point out what you’re doing wrong, but it’s always very friendly and gentle and comes from a place of positivity.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Here are the things that I did today that are good for me!

(I am going to try and get these lists down to weekly eventually, but right now it feels useful to be writing them every day. Writing is how my brain stabilizes itself. WRITING LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS is how I keep my sanity going. Once I have a little more basic sanity stores, I will feel less compelled to document my accomplishments quite so minutely.)

*Checked out a GRE study book from the library. It's the 2014 edition, so a little out of date, but not astronomically so.

*From above, spent a straight hour reading and taking notes and taking part of the diagnostic test. (I took the first non-writing part, which was quantitative reasoning -see "math"- and I smashed it in1. 18/20 correct, one of the wrong ones was a dumb fucking mistake (I even double-checked, but not well enough), the other I STUBBORNLY MAINTAIN I GOT RIGHT but no apparently according to the GRE you can have a fraction with decimals in it _ugh_.

*Made a doctor's appointment for about three weeks from now, to talk about mental stuff and maybe changing meds or whatever.

*Put away all my laundry. I mean, I still have at least a full load to run (plus a sheets+towels load before Sparr visits) but at least there're no clean clothes lying around in my room just now, which is awesome.

*Did an emergency TMC meeting via phone conferencing where I contributed good thoughts and also chivvied people along so that we could be done in less than a half hour. YOU'RE WELCOME, DANCEFOLX.

*Scheduled a hangout-and-productivity date with friends I don't see often, for next Tuesday. Yay!

*Deposited five checks, asked for the check I forgot for last week's work, deposited that as well. (yyyyeah, that was like 2k I just put into my bank account GOOD JOB KIDDO no wait, no sarcasm in here, genuinely a good thing to do, thank you.)


1: So, I don't edit a lot, not journal entries. However, just before posting, I noticed this wording and like...smashed it in? I mean, I get what I was trying to say, but that's just weird damn wording.
sorcyress: Picture of a smiling tampon with the phrase "Girls: We're so emo we don't even NEED to cut ourselves" (Emo-period)
So, concrete things to help me right now (since it seems puriant1useful to make some posts that know. Not written while sobbing.)

1) Catch me via text or IM for casual conversation throughout the day. (one of the downfalls of working with a 2-year old for a living is that I get precious little adult interaction, and I forget how damn lonely that can be. Normally I at least see my coworkers at lunch, with the Rbeast, I meet other parents and nannies sometimes, but I'm dreadful bad at connecting with random strange adults.

(I'm typically awake from about 0600-2300 on weekdays, and 1000-0100 on weekends. I'm nannying at least eight of those hours, plus dance etc, so I may be slow to reply but I like text based conversations)

2) Catch me via text or IM during non-work hours to check in on me and ask me if there's a productive step I can take. (If things are going well, I may tell you that I've already done a productive step for the day, see point one.) ((productive steps are likely to be about: grad school, dance management stuff, job hunting, room cleaning --feel free to be specific or ask about another known topic!))

(nonwork hours are typically from 1600-2300 on weekdays, and 1000-0100 on weekends. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I dance in the evenings, and will be less around and more exhausted.)

3) Physically interact with me in a productive way with us in the same space. Optimal for me right now is you coming to my place, doing something productive of your own on my bed (or hell, something non-productive, I don't care) while I do something productive either in my room or on my computer. Once the weather gets less damnéd depressing, and I actually feel like I can bike places without arriving soggy and self-loathing, I can offer to do the same at your place.

Please be willing to schedule these productivity dates 2-3 weeks in advance. My calendar is weird and uncomfortably often full.

4) Trade accountability pings with me. This is sortof a weird thought, but the idea is that I and you would establish that we each ping the other at a certain time each (week?)day to check that some basic daily task has been completed. Like, I would ask you to ping me between noon and 2pm to ask me if I've had lunch, and I would ping you at 10pm to remind you to go to bed OR WHATEVER.

I haven't fully fleshed out the idea, but I want to be more accountable, and it's a lot easier to be accountable to other people than myself. And I think maybe I'm not the only one that feels that way? Anyways, if this rough idea sounds useful to you, please leave a comment or email me so we can talk more about it.

5) Keep being kind and loving and caring and compassionate, not just to me, but to all the people you meet who are fighting their own tiny internal fights.

This includes yourselves. I know some pretty freaking awesome people, and if you're reading this, there's no chance you're not one of them.


1: Prusiant? Puriant? Prurient? WHOA THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT WHOOPS. Or rather, it might've been the word I meant but not with the sexual interest part? I'm not altogether sure. Help me out, y'all (we'll sing backup!2)

2: Cookie to whoever gets this reference. Except mom, she's the one who introduced it to me.


sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Katarina Whimsy

July 2017

2 345678
30 31     


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Aug. 22nd, 2017 09:16 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios