sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Okay, so like, I haven't done a comprehensive check-in in a while. So here are some aspects of my life and how they're going.

Romantic life: Largely really good. I will maybe write a goofy shipping status thing in little bit, but let's just go with "I'm happy, still poly, my partners seem pleased with things, working on better communication, etc."

Professional life: Largely really awful. I'm working as a nanny four days a week, and don't get me wrong, the kid is great and its parents are great (yo, hey friends!), but I don't actually want to be working with a two year old for a living so while the day-to-day is fine, my longterm stuff is rubbish. So I'm gonna be looking for something else for the 2017-18 school year.

("Wait, weren't you working at an awesome..." yes. Yes, last year I had a pretty great math teacher job, and I really liked it. The teaching style they were looking for did not align with the style I have, and I was not re-hired.)

Student life: Iiiiii should take the GED so I can get into grad school for the...well, at this point it's pretty much gonna be the 2018-19 school year. But yeah. I want my master's degree because it will help immensely with the professional life part. You should feel free to bother me about this.

Dance life: Dance life is...okay but like...so...Okay, look, I love dancing more'n anything and it's amazing, but I'm running a lot of stuff and it's weird and a little stressful. I am running the Boston Highland Ball (please send in your applications, I want more applications faster please!) which is certainly going (but will be over in a month, yay). I am also running a third of English-Scottish-Contra week at Pinewoods, which is going well because Meghan and Dan are _amazing_ and I love them. I'm not currently getting my second level SCD candidacy, but I will probably start thinking about that in another year or so. Sometimes I get to teach and it's super cool! I'm performing at NEFFA in...a week and a day, please come see me dance on Sunday!

Oh, and I'm still doing Highland (as often as I can manage). I keep swearing I'll go to Bluesy sometime, but...I...don't? I'd say it's complicated, but see "mental health" below. :P Ditto Squares.

Physical Health: Pretty good! I'm biking about eight miles a day, and I'm in pretty good shape. I did, admittedly, get doored the other day and the part where my knee hit the pavement has made me all sad inside (and bruised outside), but neither I nor my bike were seriously hurt so it's all good!

Mental Health: There's this great line in "Across the Universe" said by the PTSDing dude who just came back from 'Nam: Everything below the neck works fine.

Yeah.

But yanno, it's no longer winter, which'll probably help me chin up some? I will probably make a separate little post about this, because it's too much to go into in one post. Short version: Still ADHD, possibly depressed, need therapy, also need to stop having trouble with my health insurance (May 1st).

Creation and Art: I was drawing on the regular, which was cool, and then I lost track of that. I need to get back into it. But I also _really_ need a place to put my art, because it's depressing not being able to archive it anywhere, and Twitter's just not cutting it. If you have a 2D art archive you like...let me know? Not deviantArt, thanks.

Geogames: I have inexplicably joined a Munzee guild, and helped do my share for every month so far this year. That's...weird and wacky. But there you have it, I am being slightly more dedicated about Munzee and I'd love to have adventure-partners. I'll post about this more somewhere maybe?

Also I am one of those freaks still playing PokemonGo, despite it being well after the game came out. I dunno, I just find it fun and relaxing!

Other Stuff: I...don't totally know that I've got a lot of other stuff going on right now. I've been watching more TV than I used to (I blame Netflix and also depression). I've got a Habitica group that's pretty awesome, and I'm trying real hard to be a good person there. Sometimes I play board games! Sometimes I go hang out in the sunshine?

How're you? What's going on in your life?

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
State of the Social Media, 2017

Hi friends!! It's been a loooong time since I last checked in about this, and Russia has made an update Weirdly Relevant, so let's talk social media! I'm gonna post this everywhere I mention, except on Twitter where I'll just link it, because I do not hate my twitter friends that much.

SO! I use social media! Let's talk about which and how. This is going to be a real-person post, which means long and rambling. I may make a tl;dr for Facebook.

Livejournal:(KDSorceress) WELL OKAY FINE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT. I WON'T USE THIS ANYMORE. Okay, no, realistically I have given up on online privacy *and* my Russian-speaking-friend who uses LJ doesn't seem to be bailing, but given that EVERYONE ELSE has pretty much finally bailed...it's time to drop it entirely, and that's a bummer. So I'm gonna turn off cross-posting (MASSIVE WINCE) and abandon the place I've updated at least once a month for the last 161 months1. That's over thirteen years, my livejournal is old enough to start its own livejournal.

But it's okay because I'll be finally fully transitioning to...

Dreamwidth:(Sorcyress Wooooo! Open-source! Community-controlled! Transparency and not randomly deleting journals and not run by a government that thinks Teh Gay is a major league problem and why was I on elljay in the first place? Anywho, DW is where I put long-style thoughts, and Real Serious Life Stuff! It's my (new) home. I have never given up on longform personal blogging, and I still love it more'n anything, and I want the rest of you to return to it.

Meanwhile, you can also find Real Serious Life Stuff on...

Twitter:(@Sorcyress) This is where I have been dumping my serious stuff in sortof the immediate, because...I...also don't have attention for longform blogging right now? Please see my eighty part tweet-saga on "does Kat have health insurance and/or medication for their ADHD this week?", which I have been performing 140 characters at a time for the last six months. Also, there's a *lot* of selfies. If you wanna see my face, you gotsta follow my tweets.

Tumblr:(Sorcyress My Tumblr is an uncoordinated cesspit, and I mostly just reblog stuff that I theoretically want to follow up on later somehow, but then don't. I really should stop using Tumblr. You are welcome to follow me there, I provide no original content and very little original commentary, but you might still find my curation cool or useful or something.

Meanwhile, on the offline side of the internet you have...

Facebook:(Firstname Lastname, go ahead and ping me privately if you want it) Facebook is what I use to speak to lots of people at once --lots of "hey I need a thing from y'all" but also it's the place where my party ideas show up and invites and stuff. I also post a weirdly high amount of genderstuff, because I remain eternally thrilled that Facebook lets me set my gender accurately and my pronoun correctly. Anyways, because Facebook has my wallet name attached instead of my handle, I also behave all delicately and professionally and whatnot. This means I don't swear on my own page2, and don't link to my handle!

Places I am no longer include: deviantART, Sluggy.net, any other forums...Iunno. The rest of the world I used to be on? Oh yeah, OKCupid, which isn't really social media and I never really used it, but I've pretty much wholly abandoned it. And that one bounty-hunter3 website that a certain subset of my friends list is thinking of, yes I still have an account, every few months I'll post a thing, but I hardly ever read or do anything else.

Places I am not currently that you probably are: Instagram (I haven't gotten around to it), Pintrest (I fundamentally object to their screwing up of Google Image searches), Snapchat (Technically I have one, every few months I remember to look at my sister's timeline, but I do not "get" it like at all)

Separate from social media, if you wanna get in touch with me, you can...

Text me! After two decades of fundamentally hating telephones, I finally got a tiny-pocket-computer-that-incidentally-makes-phone-calls and I like it very much. I like getting random texts, and will do my best to respond, if whatever my job is allows it.

IM me! I still looooove instant messanger, even though I'm not always the best at using it. When I am on the computer, I have access to GTalk and AIM (username on both: kdsorceress), when I'm on the phone, just GTalk.

Call me? Please...um...I mean, I like having phone calls very rarely with a smallish subset of the People I Like, so please don't randomly call me for conversation without pinging me otherwise first? But if that's a thing you like, I mean, try pinging me and we'll see!

Skype me! (Or Google Hangouts or whatever --the kleenex problem is coming for you, Skype.) I especially like utilizing this for the "I'ma work on cleaning my room and you work on cleaning your room" type stuff. Last big Skype chat I had, Tailsteak was inking or something, and I made a LEGO set! (my skype is Sorcyress, my google is kdsorceress)

Email me! Oooo, I love getting emails! I am _absolutely terrible_ at replying to emails. You will not bother me if you send me reminder emails to reply to your email. Seriously. It is good for me! (kdsorceress at gmail dot com)

Is there anything I'm missing? If you wish to get in touch with me on a social media I didn't specify, go ahead and email me at [insert appropriate email here]. Or leave a comment or whatever!

Yay social media!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Except two, back in 2005 because I was being a petulant and sulky baby.

2: My grandfather objects, and again, I try to pretend that Facebook is professional even though I have it locked up pretty tight privacy wise. Of course, it's sFB, so those privacy settings could randomly change any day now.

3: I am very clever! Do you like how clever I am?
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
(This entry started on Twitter):

Welp, the point in LeftoverSoup where I decided not to read any further ahead has just arrived. Five
strips left, and I'll read 'em honest.

I'm pretty sure I've been sneaking ahead in the archives since the 200s or so. A loooooong time. Even earned myself a boon once for it!

But LeftoverSoup is on its way out and I wanna give it at least a little bit of respect there. It's...important to me.

Approx 995 strips ago, I found the talented and famous @tailsteak and started sending random @-
replies. To my utter shock, he returned them!

That parlayed into chatting on the forum and to sending email* and to one of my best friends in the world and that's really cool.

So, if you've never read LeftoverSoup, now's a great time --you'll likely finish right when the comic does. It's a hell of a run.

...And its creator is a hell of a guy. I can't wait to see what he does next. <3

((*emails --ah, footnote's too long for here, I'll just have to put it in LJ instead.))

***

Hopefully I'll write a longer memorium sometime later. It's a really fascinating comic, written by a clever and fascinating guy. It ends next Monday, April 10th, and is probably the only webcomic I'll ever read consistently, every update as it updates, for the entire run. ((Skin Horse has already had a healthy chunk in the middle where I stopped reading for a while, and I can't think of very many others I actually started at the beginning.))

~Sor
MOOP!


*So, Tailsteak is the only person I've ever met who could meet a random womanish** person online, send her a bunch of porn, and parlay that into a six year friendship. He is one suave motherfucker!

((Yes of course there's more detail to that story, but it's more fun without it.))

**For the purposes of being sent internet pornography, I definitely align myself with my female-socialization and...opposite of privilege? Basically, if you send dicks at me, unless you are the aforementioned suave motherfucker above, I am probably going to feel like you're trying to assert male power over me-as-female and feel attacked.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I still have under 600 unread emails, but it was a close thing. I got an email from my friend nagging me about a thing I need nagging on (this is a good thing) but it made me freak out and want to avoid my entire email inbox because like...I cannot get my daily for that unless I make sure to do all my emails for the day and soooo.

But I've recently come back and the last two days I've at least looked at everything. Which is good.

I still don't have health insurance (I found out a week ago that it's been terminated). I really need to work on going through mail and calling mass health and figuring out why it was turned off and how I turn it on again, but boyyyy that is just...not...happening right now. Maybe having mek around will make it easier, and maybe I will just not have health insurance or meds until mid-April, because that's an awesome thing for me innit?

Diiiiid I mention I have a mek? I am pretty pleased I have a mek. It was a sudden surprise of "so, I can actually visit you in like three weeks if that works for you" thing, and I said yes and so he rode a train cross country to come see me, look, I'm not saying my boyfriends are better than yours but have any of yours hung out on a train for four days just to bring you a dead spider in a snow globe I think NOT!

Highland Ball stuff is continuing apace. I'm actually in a weird gentle space where I'm a lot less behind on everything and feel a lot less stressed about it all. Really, right now I'm a lot less anxious and a lot more depressed, and so that's pretty good, except for the part where I'm a lot more depressed. I'm working on it, they lied.

On the plus side, I did clear off most of my bed. Granted, this was a lot of pileating, but it was a noble attempt.

Wheeeee, I finished my words before mek came back from brushing his teef! Gold star for me!

((I know this entry is crap and disconnected, but I haven't written anything in here for over two weeks.))

How's you?

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I'm down to fewer than 600 unread emails! That hasn't happened in basically forever!! Yayyyyy!!!!!!

Things I accomplished today as well as that (look, I've now gone through all the emails from 2017, okay, I feel pretty great about that part):

*Got called by the caterers, called them back, and will be sent a proposal so that THINGS ARE MOVING FORWARDS and oh gods, I just, this has been stressing me out so much thank christ.

(Now I can be stressed out about EVERYTHING ELSE to do with running the Ball, but this post is not the place for it)

*Made a Facebook event page for the Highland Ball to begin advertising that-a-way. Invited a bunch of people to come to the ball.

*Went to the post office in order to send some postcards (from my party like two weeks ago, eep) and also a package of delicious coffee to an internet stranger in the hopes that he sends me stickers. No I am not five YOU'RE FIVE.

*Went to the bank and got quarters. Yay quarters! Now I can do more laundry, and also pay my roommate back for her quarters that I ruthfully borrowed yesterday. Okay, technically I already did pay her back. And I don't have too much terrible laundry left to do, being as I did a bunch yesterday.

*Unrelated: Ohmygod, s00j's song of the month is an acoustic of Goddess and just Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn THIS SONG OKAY?! Like, it doesn't make me burst into messy tears all over the place1, instead, it's just...this is me. I am a person who falls in love casually and constantly with all the beautiful women I see throughout the world. I am mostly able to not act like an idiot about it.

*Ate a real dinner. Okay, I mean, ramen with egg and veggies, but damnit, that's like cooking. Weirdly, I am fully capable of taking care of myself food-wise without knowing much about cooking.3

*Also like I worked and stuff. I drew a catdog for Rbeast, which was pretty cute. I really need to find a place to store art that isn't dA. Or Flickr, which I have grown disillusioned with. I wish the internet would stop changing shittily, or that I wasn't so curmudgeonly as to view all changes as bad. Not sure which.

That's me! It was a pretty good day.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Yet.2

2: Look, the first song at my first NYFF was "Mushroom Song" and I sobbed like a fucking idiot-baby-child.

3: ...I'm not going to include the original text of this footnote, because holy unresolved issues, batman. You wanna know the nice thing about people being out of your life? You can get angry at the memory, and then just...be done with it. ((Not a kSatyr reference, for once))
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Yesterday was a Bad Day. I wrote most of an entry, here you go:

Content Warning: Depression

Everything came to a head and I skipped dance in favour of hiding in the basement and curling into a little tight Katball1 Eventually I started sobbing, probably not as quietly as I thought, because I managed to summon my sir in about a minute and a half.

It's been almost seven years formal and more'n nine informal and I really really hate that I'm still so messed up that I need to sob blankly on his shoulder and I am still flabbergastedly lucky that he loves me so much and cares for me so much and is the one person in all the world I can consistently count on to come find me when I cry.

I used to dream of someone noticing I was missing and coming to find me. I can only take help if it's offered, and I dreamed for years and _years_ of someone actually doing so and suddenly it was NEFFA and being dragged out into the sunshine and given a hug and actually genuinely cared about and suddenly eight years of wanting something became true and...

...and it hasn't stopped being true. Crying alone in the bathroom in fifth grade was over a decade and a half ago.

Anyways, "why now" and "why today" are what my mind is wondering, what caused the stress and anxiety and eight hundred things I have not done to finally bubble over. I think I know: it's because I let myself read. And I think my brain knows reading books --reading randomly and joyously and spontaneous things I picked up off the shelf for no one but myself-- is a selfish act and a leisure act and not something I can justify in any way as being good for me.

(Even PokeGo at least gets the excuse that I was outside and walking)

I read five Clementine books (where was she when I was a child, I have always needed these books.) and I need to buy copies of all of them someday, I love them so very much in no small part because they feel so familiar. And then I read a book called the Book Scavenger, which is excellent and has my new favourite geogame and also some ciphers (<3 <3 <3!!!). I enjoyed all of it.

None of them were books that I checked out from the library and therefore need to read. Nor the ARC of Magic for Nothing that I won from Seanan McGuire (and I am really truly absolutely thrilled to have won it and I hate how scared I am that I'm not even going to manage to read it in a remotely timely manner.)

They were just...frivolous, but worse, JOYFUL frivolous, not like the usual depressive mind rot of quietly playing video games.

1: Katball is never actually a good thing. If I tell you on IM that's what I'm doing, it's because I want attention and affection and distraction amd anything to make me feel like less of a colossal fuckup.

***

...and that's as far as I got last night. I fell very asleep while trying to work out how much life I was about to lose in Habitica and whether I could mitigate it at all. (Woke up at about 1:30, which was enough time to brush my teeth and double-check my alarm being set and the like).

Today has been better, but largely and only because I've been looking dedicatedly forward to having a Getting Things Done night with Kate Monster2.

Okay, and also today has been better because I found a dead rabbit in pretty good condition and ruthfully convinced [Unknown site tag] to put it in his freezer for me (ie: I asked if I could store it there and he offered to grab it for me) and now I have brought it to Kate as a friendship offering3. Yay! ((Yes, I texted Kate first to make sure she was actually still into taxidermy and dead things, I am not that much of an asshole. Alsoyes, all the Kates I know are into taxidermy. It's pretty cool.))

Soyeah. I'm gonna go and try and deal with the fucking *weeks* of email backlog that I've been ignoring. Especially important since a majority of it is relatively simple input to IMPORTANT DANCE STUFF and arrrgaggggggagagg. Other goals for tonight potentially involve editing and sending out three months backlog of TMC minutes, and mebbe drawing an Artbook4 for Sexy Self Comics Day tomorrow.

Ta!
((Terminal optimism is how I fight Depression, and virtually everything else wrong with my brain.))

~Sor
MOOP!

2: Kate Monster is a friend from college! No really, I met her at like...the pre-college orientation and then again on the very first day and found out she's into rpgs and cool shit like that. Alas, she was an AiB kid, so we never had any classes together, and mostly didn't get a chance to hang when actually in college.

But we've been Facebook friends all this time, and a couple weeks ago when I posted "anyone wanna do a Diesel Work-in-Company" she jumped. We closed out Diesel, and then spent ninety minutes in sub-freezing temperatures chatting about pokemon, the internet, friends, and our respective lives. It was really good!

She texted me on Friday asking if I wanted to do another one, so that's why we're hanging out at the Harvard Sq Starbucks tonight. :3

3: I have "Red Roses and Dead Things" stuck in my head and it's totally making me wish I was romantically interested in Kate in the slightest (even separate from her presumed-mono boyfriend, I'm just...not?) Like she's cool as hell and I want to be her friend and for her to think I'm neato, but I have brought dead things to someone just as a friend and I am a little sad at the missed opportunity.

4: Artbooks are my little eight (well, okay, six and a front cover and a very minimal back cover) page sketchbooks that I make for random occasions such as "have some time, paper, and a pencil". I have like, two incomplete ones right now that I really ought to do, SIGH. But I also tend to do one every other year or so for SSCD.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Okay, so, there’s a movement tomorrow to do a witchy spell at the stroke of midnight. Specifically to bind 45, to prevent him from doing any (more) damage to any living human or creature or thing.

I am not a witch. I am not remotely Wiccan. I don't...do spells, not formalized spells, certainly not spells created by other people.

(I have cast-prayed before, on very rare occasion. I quietly lay altars and speak to my goddesses and send the energy out I can and ask for the guidance I need. I regular-pray damn near every night --if you've ever heard me recite the star-wish song1 and then fall silent for a moment, gazing at the sky, you've witnessed it.)

However. However. I am not a witch and probably never will be (though Sir PTerry has a better sales pitch than anything else I've ever seen or heard). But I'm not doing anything else at midnight tomorrow, and I actually have all the components. So much of humanity rests on belief, maybe if I can help add to this one, it'll do some good.

(And even though I'm not twenty-six and mad as hell anymore, I'm still a witchka and will probably never drop the diminutive for myself. Witchka, little witch, it just feels _right_.)

Anyways, you can find the ritual I'm planning to use here, in case that's of interest to you. I've dug through my tarot decks and have all five towers2 charging on my altar3.

Hey, it's more fun than sleeping anyways.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: You know this one. It begins with declarations of light and bright, and then an oft-modified line about the number of stars I've seen that night.

2: Well, okay, technically it's four towers and XVI: (In)Dependance from my hand-drawn major arcana. Which I should *really* scan and post, and even more really finish sometime. I drew it like three-four years ago at this point, and I was surprised looking through it by how much I still like it and relate to it. I renamed a lot of cards though. I don't feel the slightest bit about it, the whole point of tarot is to use it to focus myself.

3: I have an altar now, bytheway. I set it up originally at the Sanctuary, but I actually made a point of moving it when I moved, and maintaining it. I don't do a lot with it, but the big rule is that Nothing Goes On That Shelf Ever unless it's part of the altar stuff. Which is like nine tenths rocks, because boy, do I have a weird and complicated and important relationship with rocks that I should talk about sometime.

I'd post pictures, but you know. Matthew 6:5-6. ;)


Edit: On further contemplation, I'm not going to perform this --see comment thread with Keshwyn on DW.
sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Trigger Warning: Rape and emotional abuse talk. Happy anniversary! :p

So I guess I should talk about it.

Ten years ago today, I started dating kSatyr. Officially like, with the whole "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend" conversation. Things were...already not good in some ways. I don't have good notes from that far back. (I don't have any notes from late August to early December, because that was the hard drive that died and the diary that disappeared and oh I miss it I miss it so.)

I don't think he'd raped me yet, at that point. I know I was already dealing with his whinging, demanding, broken-brained manipulation and emotional abuse. I have no excuse for it, I never have really, except that he had a desperate all-encompassing clinging need which only I could fill, and I was too young to know that's not attractive.

It was years after we broke up before I ever heard the line "don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm".

I hope he's figured out how to fix himself, in the time since. Goddess knows how much effort I've put into the trick. I'd be surprised if he wasn't willing to put in the same, except this was a man twice my age who acted decades younger than me, so actually, I wouldn't be surprised at all.

I wonder sometimes what narrative he tells himself about how it all went down. I wonder if he knows he raped me --I know it would kill him to hear me say it. Good. Let my truth choke him. I haven't even tried looking at his livejournal since I got Kela --and that's been, gosh, more'n three years.

(After we broke up, he told me I had to defriend him, and that I had to make all my posts friends-locked. I told him I wanted to keep writing publicly, that sometimes I have people reading my journal without accounts of their own (Hi Tailsteak!). He told me if I wouldn't acquiesce, he'd tell my mom how far we'd gotten, you know, sexually.

I called his fucking bluff. And eventually, I did unfriend him. I don't know when he stopped reading my journal. The last time I ever talked to him was in 2011. The last time I ever _will_ talk to him was in 2011.)

A lot of this has already been gone over, exhaustively, in TherapyFilter. Or more exhaustively in BehindtheWalls versions 2.0 and 2.1, and in thousands and thousands of my 750words. I have written _a lot_ about kSatyr, and the damages he left behind.

I don't really feel damaged today. Just tired.

In nine months and ten days, it will be December 2nd. It will be the ten year anniversary of being free from him. (Nevermind the hooks that took another year and more to pull out. Nevermind the four years before I could again hold Emily in my arms. Nevermind the scars on my mind that will never totally go away, because this is always going to be a part of me.). I am planning to celebrate that day. I will let my friends know if they can be a part of it.

Be good to each other. We're all we have in this world.

~Sor
MOOP!

Trigger Warning: Rape and emotional abuse talk. Happy anniversary! :p
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Accomplishments of the recent:

*On Saturday, I went on a very long walk with my roommate Liz. It was a good bonding experience, and also a very nice time. The nominal goal was for me to buy a planner, and maybe also a watch1, and also we wanted to stop by some CVSs for potential half-price valentines candy. All of these goals were accomplished! Shockingly, the two of us bought almost nothing else, despite stopping at Black Ink, Joie de Vivre, Paper Source, and Bob Slate Stationary, all of which are places I could easily spend two hundred dollars.

We also did some serious pokemanning. And walked approximately 19k steps --I worked out our path on google maps afterwards, and found it to be 5.8 miles. Woooooo!

*On Sunday I, uh...I think I zero-day'd2 actually. Damn.

*But today! Today was better! Well, today had a kinda iffy part in the middle, but on the whole it was better and it certainly wasn't a zero day. Things I did today include:

**Going grocery shopping
**Cleaning my room a bit, including my bedside table
**Sending one Very Important email
**Taking the necessary measurements to finally work on making the shelves I want in my room

So I'm feeling better-than-yesterday. I also went out to dance, where I actually danced five dances. This is out of eight, which is significantly better than the like...three I usually do. I genuinely like Scottish Dance, I've just been a poop lately.

Also, I had a super-massive social success in that I got an invitation to "come see our little indoor winter garden and have some tea, maybe a meal" from Henriette, one of my favourite dance ladies! This is a woman who decided to *start* SCD in her _mid-eighties_ because she is clearly insane and also super brave and awesome and wonderful.

(She started because she met Ian, who is one of my favourite dance gents, at our booth at the Watertown faire and they fell immediately in love and got married like six months later and now it's been a year and they waltz while looking deep into each other's eyes and THEY ARE SO CUTE AND GREAT!!! So, uh, in case you were worrying for yourself or your future, it is totally possible to find true love everlasting when you're 80+ and everyone around you will think you're epic-awesome for it.)

So that's me. I still have ten thousand billion things to do with everything, but I'm trying. I was filling in my friend Linda (who is the most diplomatic and wonderful lady at all of dance and gods I want to have footwork as good as hers when I'm 40, let alone 60+) in some of the mental health stuff I've been undergoing, and got the chance to remember for myself that I am a Terminal Optimist, and that hasn't changed even though my brain is useless.

Oh! Speaking of mental health stuff and other accomplishments:

*I went to see my GP about mental health stuff. It went pretty well --she is down with the idea of potentially prescribing me other stuff if I need it in the future, and while the Harvard Vanguard behavioral health department is booked until September (!!!!), she gave me a couple good places to start looking.

*Also I remembered to get my STI screening, since it's been a while, oops. (I tried to get it last December, but that was in the middle of having no insurance). The blood draw was super quick, but dang, I've had way more bruising than usual.

So I'm still here. And I'm still awesome, even when it's hard to be.

If you're free Friday, you should come over to my house at 8:00pm and sing the entirety of They Might Be Giants' "Flood". You'll get to hang out with my mom!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: My tentative budget for a watch was no more than $40. I have no pressing need for a watch right now, I've just wanted one for a while, and am a hero of time. Joie had fancy-funny adult ones for $45, none of which exactly struck my fancy, and then they had "for children and small adults" for $15, which is why I now have a BRIGHT ORANGE watch that is covered with lizards. There is even a tiny lizard inside the watch who counts the seconds for me. Her name is Dionne Strider.

2: Zero Days, as in "no more". It's a thing that Brenton told me about, from like...the Reddit bodybuilder dudes, I think. The concept is that every day you do at least *one* thing towards your goals. Even really small one thing. I have enough things to do that this is a really good plan to build towards.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Accomplishments of the time period (like a week? I think it’s been a week).

SO YOU’LL NOTICE I STOPPED MAKING POSTS. Well, Sparr noticed at least, and gave me a request for a status update which is INCREDIBLY USEFUL and not the slightest bit naggy. (Or, like, it if is naggy, it’s exactly the sort I need right now, because damn I’m useless at shit.)

I had several super weird days in a row, due to sister being in town and being in Albany for work. Plus I now appear to have a cold, which is shitty and I don’t like it. So basically I have not accomplished anything in the last week, which is why I haven’t made posts. Let’s see if I can pretend there are at least a few asterisks to make?

*I successfully wrangled the heck out of a two year old on a train and in a completely different state. I got compliments passed onto me via A, about how good a job I was doing with the Rbeast. Yay! I like my job. ((I do not want this job forever —I am not naturally disposed1 to nannying a small child— but I’m glad it’s currently working for me))

*I took a shower last night. Look, we’re just not going to talk about the number of showers I’ve had lately, other than it’s way lower than it should be. I’m trying _really fucking hard_ to fix this one, because stinky is bad.

*Rbeast and I went to the rally on Wednesday! I also went to the state house, where I met my state representative, and badgered the staff of my senator! I am absolutely going to be going to as many marches and rallies as I can manage to wrangle the two year old to.

*Spent lots of positive time with Alys, including a trip to the Garment District, watching Easy A and Cutthroat Kitchen, and making foooood. Also pokemans.

*Managed to go visit friends-I-don’t-see-often twice this week (three times if you count the bananamines, though that was admittedly incidental to hanging with Alys).

*Tended bar for an hour!! (no really). I may have impressed some of the SCDfolk by knowing how to count back change properly. That and facing money are mom’s legacy on “why Kat is a bit of a weird and outdated retail person”.

*Went to Highland for the first time in like…two months. Did passably well. Was only moderately exhausted. It was just me and Rebecca, which was nice. Learned the first two steps of a new dance, and reviewed Flora, Blue Bonnets, and the Hornpipe. Was complimented on the right half of my high-cuts (with the corresponding “jegus fuck, what’s up with the left there?”2)

I…think that’s all for now. I’m not gonna bother sorting it, because it’s mostly all small stuff. But yanno, small stuff is still stuff. I've been super lost and unmotivated and completely lacking in executive function this last week. I can fix that though. Maybe probably hopefully please?

~Sor
MOOP!

1: “inclined” is definitely correct. I mean this in terms of “disposition”. I am quite sure I am using the word wrong, anyone wanna help out?

2: Okay, no, this is not a direct quote even a little bit. Robert is a kind and diplomatic soul, he will totally point out what you’re doing wrong, but it’s always very friendly and gentle and comes from a place of positivity.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Here are the things that I did today that are good for me!

(I am going to try and get these lists down to weekly eventually, but right now it feels useful to be writing them every day. Writing is how my brain stabilizes itself. WRITING LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS is how I keep my sanity going. Once I have a little more basic sanity stores, I will feel less compelled to document my accomplishments quite so minutely.)

Big
*Checked out a GRE study book from the library. It's the 2014 edition, so a little out of date, but not astronomically so.

*From above, spent a straight hour reading and taking notes and taking part of the diagnostic test. (I took the first non-writing part, which was quantitative reasoning -see "math"- and I smashed it in1. 18/20 correct, one of the wrong ones was a dumb fucking mistake (I even double-checked, but not well enough), the other I STUBBORNLY MAINTAIN I GOT RIGHT but no apparently according to the GRE you can have a fraction with decimals in it _ugh_.

*Made a doctor's appointment for about three weeks from now, to talk about mental stuff and maybe changing meds or whatever.

Medium
*Put away all my laundry. I mean, I still have at least a full load to run (plus a sheets+towels load before Sparr visits) but at least there're no clean clothes lying around in my room just now, which is awesome.

*Did an emergency TMC meeting via phone conferencing where I contributed good thoughts and also chivvied people along so that we could be done in less than a half hour. YOU'RE WELCOME, DANCEFOLX.

Small
*Scheduled a hangout-and-productivity date with friends I don't see often, for next Tuesday. Yay!

*Deposited five checks, asked for the check I forgot for last week's work, deposited that as well. (yyyyeah, that was like 2k I just put into my bank account GOOD JOB KIDDO no wait, no sarcasm in here, genuinely a good thing to do, thank you.)

~Sor
MOOP!

1: So, I don't edit a lot, not journal entries. However, just before posting, I noticed this wording and like...smashed it in? I mean, I get what I was trying to say, but that's just weird damn wording.
sorcyress: Picture of a smiling tampon with the phrase "Girls: We're so emo we don't even NEED to cut ourselves" (Emo-period)
So, concrete things to help me right now (since it seems puriant1useful to make some posts that are...you know. Not written while sobbing.)

1) Catch me via text or IM for casual conversation throughout the day. (one of the downfalls of working with a 2-year old for a living is that I get precious little adult interaction, and I forget how damn lonely that can be. Normally I at least see my coworkers at lunch, with the Rbeast, I meet other parents and nannies sometimes, but I'm dreadful bad at connecting with random strange adults.

(I'm typically awake from about 0600-2300 on weekdays, and 1000-0100 on weekends. I'm nannying at least eight of those hours, plus dance etc, so I may be slow to reply but I like text based conversations)

2) Catch me via text or IM during non-work hours to check in on me and ask me if there's a productive step I can take. (If things are going well, I may tell you that I've already done a productive step for the day, see point one.) ((productive steps are likely to be about: grad school, dance management stuff, job hunting, room cleaning --feel free to be specific or ask about another known topic!))

(nonwork hours are typically from 1600-2300 on weekdays, and 1000-0100 on weekends. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I dance in the evenings, and will be less around and more exhausted.)

3) Physically interact with me in a productive way with us in the same space. Optimal for me right now is you coming to my place, doing something productive of your own on my bed (or hell, something non-productive, I don't care) while I do something productive either in my room or on my computer. Once the weather gets less damnéd depressing, and I actually feel like I can bike places without arriving soggy and self-loathing, I can offer to do the same at your place.

Please be willing to schedule these productivity dates 2-3 weeks in advance. My calendar is weird and uncomfortably often full.

4) Trade accountability pings with me. This is sortof a weird thought, but the idea is that I and you would establish that we each ping the other at a certain time each (week?)day to check that some basic daily task has been completed. Like, I would ask you to ping me between noon and 2pm to ask me if I've had lunch, and I would ping you at 10pm to remind you to go to bed OR WHATEVER.

I haven't fully fleshed out the idea, but I want to be more accountable, and it's a lot easier to be accountable to other people than myself. And I think maybe I'm not the only one that feels that way? Anyways, if this rough idea sounds useful to you, please leave a comment or email me so we can talk more about it.

5) Keep being kind and loving and caring and compassionate, not just to me, but to all the people you meet who are fighting their own tiny internal fights.

This includes yourselves. I know some pretty freaking awesome people, and if you're reading this, there's no chance you're not one of them.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Prusiant? Puriant? Prurient? WHOA THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT WHOOPS. Or rather, it might've been the word I meant but not with the sexual interest part? I'm not altogether sure. Help me out, y'all (we'll sing backup!2)

2: Cookie to whoever gets this reference. Except mom, she's the one who introduced it to me.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Here are the things I have done today that are good for me:

Big stuff
*I took the first steps towards setting up an appointment for brainfixing. Whether that winds up being better/different ADHD treatment or treatment for something else remains to be seen, but I'm gonna call tomorrow and set up a real appointment and take my next steps.

*I now know the admission dates for two grad programs (both in the past, but good incentive for the future) and have a tab open with GRE dates

*I am trying to reach out to people and trying to actively be better about...I'm trying to be better.

Medium stuff

*I bought my bus ticket home from Albany (I am going on a business trip! This is ridiculous and cool)

*I unpacked all my bags from Arisia

Small stuff (still important!)

*I made more pasta, so I will have food the next few days.

*I came back to Habitica


*************

Looking forward:

*I want to obtain a planner. I think it has to be physical, given my relationship with physical media. It also has to be stupid over-thorough. Possibly it's going to be a bunch of comprehensive schedule grids printed out from the internet. Certainly the first few weeks are going to be.

*Put away all the clothes that are currently on my bed.

*Change sheets (closer to when Sparr is visiting, because cat)

*Take a practice GRE test

*Dance stuff

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Um

Hi.




I'm bursting into tears writing even that much (and even knowing that every time I start crying again it makes the stabbing pains in my head flare up --I just took an ibuprofen, I should be fine soon, but oh god, I have cried too much today and my head is pounding.)

Um.

Anyways.





On June 15th, 2009, I sent an email that quite literally changed my life. It was to Magus. It ended with the line "[I] kinda understand completely if you don't want to date the stupid crazy chick".

It started with the line "For more or less the entirety of our relationship, Ksatyr raped me".

It was the hardest, and scariest, email I have ever sent to anyone, ever. It was the first time I ever explicitly told another person I had been raped. It was easily one of the first times I was able to say the phrase "kSatyr raped me". I wrote a few paragraphs of it in the early evening, and then I went off and did errands and distracted myself before coming back and writing the rest. And hitting send.

If you had asked me a month ago, what if felt like to send that email, I wouldn't have been able to give you a particularly good answer. Time fades memory, and time dulls pain. "Definitely scary? Kinda shameful? Worried I was messing everything up? Self-loathing that I wasn't good enough, that I was somehow ruined?"

Today I have a different answer: This. It feels like this.

Because I am sitting in a different bedroom, with a different laptop, and I am shaking uncontrollably. This time it wasn't an email, it was a phone call. It wasn't calculated, it was impulsive. And it wasn't to say I had been raped.

It was to say I might have Depression. To a health care professional --the evening staffer at my medical practice. I asked to be called tomorrow, to see about scheduling an appointment, to try and do a screening and maybe start therapy, or medication, or behavioral modification or...

to maybe stop being broken.

Because I know it wasn't the proper hours to make an appointment, but if I tried to wait until then, I wasn't going to call. Not ever.

And maybe I don't actually have depression, but there is something that is not right with me. I don't know if I need to change my medication, or engage in behavioral psych, or what, but I can't get things done and that's not normal. I can't get _anything_ done. I go to work and I do what they need me to do, but then I go home and just...

I'm not even entirely sure where the time goes, some days.

I've been trying to apply to grad schools for something like three years now, and there's something blocking my brain, making it impossible for me to do it, and I don't know what or why or how to fix it.

And maybe the doctors can.




...

I just had a half-hour conversation with the on-call evening shift nurse/medic/???. Her name is Stephanie. She is calm and collected and honest and compassionate.

I missed the Fall 2017 deadline for Tufts. For BU too, but they say theirs is a soft deadline --not to say that I'm thrilling enough to get in after it passed, but now at least I know.

And I can start moving forward anyways. Maybe if I apply now, they'll keep me on file for 2018. That can work too. And maybe if I am managing to apply to grad schools, I will find the same space in me to apply to jobs. And manage the Highland Ball, and Pinewoods. To get things done.





I am so scared. I have so much to do and it's so hard and scary, and I'm not good at it.

I can't do this alone.

You must understand how much it chokes me to write those words. I crave freedom like I crave air, and I've never understood a meaning of the word where I rely on other people.

But I've done more for my future in a half-hour phone call with a stranger than I've managed in three years alone. [[deep breath kiddo, close the eyes, make the fingers say words that feel like traitors to your fucked up broken brain]] I can't do this alone. I need help to get my brain on track, to get my world on track. Absolutely I should be able to do things functionally by myself, but there's no shame in having my friends, my family, give me reminders.

Please, if you think of it, give me reminders. Please ask me to do some of the work I need to do. Please check in with how I'm doing, especially at times when I can do it (IM is tops for this).

***

On June 15th, 2009, I took a deep breath and hit send on an email that boiled down to "please help me be better". Today is January 23rd, 2017. I am going to hit post, and ask all of you the same thing.

I can do this. I can ask for help when I need it. I can fix my brain, and I can have support while it happens.

((Words make truth.))

~R.
MOOP!

((PostScript: As always, I am not and do not experience suicidal ideation. Thank you for caring about me.))
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
((Wrote about half of this in response to a random Tumblr thing, then decided I didn't want to bother on my phone ((probably somewhere around the first footnote)) and now I am too lazy to dig up the relevant post.))

Here's a thing: I am absolutely a newbie to being a Star Wars *fan*. But I own eight action figures now, and I really like my collection and want to keep adding to it.

Two years ago, I wouldn't have cared in the slightest about owning any action figures. But then jere7my brought me to the midnight toy release for The Force Awakens. Not because I'm super into Star Wars (I, like most geeks (and non-geeks), enjoy the movies but that's about it) but because he needed a getaway driver and we're best friends so I'll totally do the man a solid.

Now, jere7my has been a Star Wars fan since he watched them in theatres as a little kid, holding his dad's hand. He has a heap of action figures, which he displays proudly on the bookshelf of his otherwise quite adult looking house0. And when I was poking around and asking dumb questions about who all the droids were, he was enthusiastic and friendly and excited. He commiserated with me about the lack of good Leias. And when I found a little Rey figure, and decided that I liked her, he told me she was a good choice, the new heroine, and he was happy for me.

He didn't roll his eyes at me1 or act indignant or otherwise sneer down his nose that I didn't already know the minute everything of the entire extended universe. When I decided I wanted a Sabine figure this most recent toy-release-night2, just because she looked cool, he didn't scold me for not knowing what she was from, he just agreed that she was cool and told me that she was from Star Wars Rebels so I could watch her source material if I wanted3.

It drives me crazy when I see ridiculous hobby gatekeeping, because...it doesn't have to be that way. Star Wars has a fan who buys merchandise4 because they had another fan who was open and cool and invited me to share with him something he loved. I'm pretty thick-skinned about the "fake geek girl"5 bullshit, but that doesn't mean I want to feel like I have to pass a series of vocabulary tests just to purchase the cool action figure girl with the blue hair.

Share the things you love. Share, not horde and overprotect and dole out in measured doses only to those you deem "worthy". It's just better for everyone.

~Sor
MOOP!

0: Srsly, jere7my and ad_familiares's house is _unbelievably gorgeous_ and well put together and lovely. All their art is framed, and it's interesting and vivid and some of it is bugs! Plus, whenever jere7my hosts an Exec meeting or whatever, he arranges for there to be very good things to eat (these were unfortunately not a solace the night of January 16thNovember 8th.)

((Long Reach jokes what up!))

1: Okay, fine, well he does roll his eyes at me, but usually it's prompted by me being an ass and asking which episode of Doctor Who C3PO is from or something like that.

2: For which I was not a getaway driver, since we biked.

3: So far I haven't gotten around to it. I am easily distractible and have very few cycles for watching things.

4: Figures I have bought new at ToysRUs at one of the two release nights: Rey, Jyn, and Sabine. Figures I have bought used at Order 66 Toys in McKinney: Endor speeder-bike rider Leia, big fancy red dress Amidala (or Padme? I feel like there's some weird proper name thing just out of reach, which I'd be happy to have explained if it wasn't eighty years long), ANH Leia in the white dress, C3PO, and Hoth Leia. I also have an Ewok village party-Leia that wabbit bought me, because FRIENDS!! I desperately want a General Leia (from TFA), and less desperately want a K-2SO, more other Leias, and a BODHI!!!!4.5

4.5: This is how I can tell my fling with buying action figures has gotten serious --I was quite emphatic about buying the *heroines* of the Star Wars universe, rather than the dudes. Except of course sassy anxiety droid, who is my favourite droid. And then Bodhi turned out to have those big eyes and that sad lost face and that incredible inner strength and ugh, I know it's a huge filthy trash-crush but I just want to take him home and feed him cake damnit! And it doesn't help that Riz Ahmed is totally gorgeous.

I should maybe cosplay Bohdi.

Anyways, yeah. The day I realized I wanted an action figure of a dirty, stinky (brave, heroic, peaceful, rebellious...) BOY was the day I realized I was lost for good.

5: Largely because I'm already a fake girl, so adding other adjectives doesn't really change anything. But also because I kinda like reveling in being a "filthy casual" --it means I get to have all the fun of enjoying something without any of the stress of having to constantly declare that enjoyment loudly and explicitly to everyone around me.


PostScript 1: Seriously, my interest in Star Wars is pretty new. I saw the original trilogy as a kid and liked them, but I also seem to recall liking Phantom Menace, so you can't actually trust me on that. As a geek, I'm all for the existence of Star Wars, but I didn't really get super into it all until Rey and TFA (which has given me a new appreciation for Leia too!)

PostScript 2: Yeah, on the one hand it's awesome that I got into Star Wars and especially Leia just in time for Carrie Fisher to die and my heart to shatter. "awesome".

PostScript 3: I also feel I should give a shoutout to wabbit, because I'm always more inclined to try out cool things when there are cool people being excitable about it, and she's the other Most Excitable About Star Wars person I know. And wabbit is also super awesome about being respectful and chill and offering explanations when I need 'em and not berating me for remembering whether BB8's head screws are threaded clockwise or widdershins.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I am less sick!

This is a definitely impressive thing, because yesterday I completed an item from nobody's bucket list ever, and threw up on the plane. I did manage to get it all in the bag, and I was practically subtle about it (as subtle as one can be) but oh man, it sure does ruin your chances with that cute flight attendant with the awesome glasses when you have to hand him a bag of your warm puke.

(I also threw up several more times last night, because ugghhhhhh. As I complained on Twitter, the worst part about being an adult is having to empty your own puke-bucket.)

Anywho, today I was just major league fatiguey (okay, with some slight nausea). I was plagued by the confluence of "I don't want to eat" and "there's not a lot to eat in the house" and so didn't actually wind up consuming anything substantial until, er, seven fifteen PM, when my friend Cathy gave me some soup at the Exec meeting. I am going to have to get her a nice card for mother's day or something, I swear.

I am feeling much more spry. I am still faintly stomach-unhappy, but I haven't gotten close to puking in nearly 24 hours now. I'm gonna go to sleep and hopefully go to work tomorrow (yes, RBeast's parents know I'm sick and know the symptoms. And yes, if I wake up tomorrow and feel completely awful, I will not go in.)

Other nice stuff:

*My friend Kas drove me home from the airport last night, which was super nice of them, especially since it was POURING rain. Like, both of my checked bags came out on the conveyer belts completely soaked. Yipes!

*I caught a Venusaur on the way home from my meeting! As I was walking up the hill to get it, a nice dude was walking down and say me and just said "That Venusaur?" I laughed and said "yeah" and it was a really lovely human connection moment in the middle of a cold and damp night.

*Past!Kat did something right for once, and when I came home yesterday, I found my room almost totally clean. This basically never happens --I tend to turn my living space into a disaster area when I'm preparing to go anywhere. I think it's because I had a quick date with Terrapin immediately before leaving --note to self, schedule things thusly more often...

*On the plane I wrote up the TMC minutes (I have no idea why this is so utterly impossible for me to do) and today I sent them out. Cookies for ADHD Kat!

*I GOT MY MEDS! I got my meds I got my meds I got my meds! It has been a long fucking four months since I've had proper dosage and not had to fall back on my emergency stash or anything. I am very very happy. Also, this means I have health insurance again, so if you're the type to fret about that, um...don't anymore?

*Folks on Facebook are being cool and supportive about my gender post, leaving me to believe that I am the luckiest snofagun1 to ever walk the planet. Even my grandfather's being awesome about it, because I have the best damn family ever, please feel free to borrow it whenever necessary.

I dunno. I'm home in Boston? That's pretty amazing, even if it's cold all the time again. Tomorrow I get to see the Rbeast and go to the library and have a very nice time of things, I hope. And then I will come home and finally actually unpack from vacation and yeah.

Hope your life is going well and you are not very sick today!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: This is an intentional misspelling --I had some archie comics as a kid that spelled it "sonofagun" all run together, and I used to misread it pretty often. I will also say snofagun sometimes as a mild swear.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Hey friends!

One of my minor New Years resolutions is to try speaking up more when people get my pronouns/personhood wrong. So!

I am not a woman(/girl/lady/etc). I am an agender person. (Or genderqueer, or enby...) The pronouns you should use when referring to me are "they/them/theirs". Instead of Ms. or Mr., I use "Mx".
If you need to refer to something about me that is relevant to my being female-assigned, please use that, or "FAAB" (for "female assigned at birth").

Andyeah. If you wanna share your identifying pronouns/words as comments to this post, I'd like to know them!

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
2016 has finished! I had a pretty fucking rough time of things. Let's talk about some of the not-so-rough parts.

*I started drawing more! I cannot state how important and good this feels to me as a creative person. I've been tossing snaps of my sketches up on Twitter, but I've yet to find a good archiving space that I can use --please don't suggest deviantArt unless you can also prove to me that they've become less awful to trans and genderqueer folk.

*I got paid to teach SCD! This is REALLY REALLY COOL! I also got a lot of compliments on my classes and social hours, which was pretty thrilling. I taught five basic classes in November and December, and ran the associated social hours. Laura and I also ran the social dancing after both big dance meetings we have in the year.

*Yes, we parted ways and I'm sad about it, but until that happened I professionally taught high school math for six months and was salaried and had some of the best girls in the world to influence and enjoy.

*One Deck Dungeon has been published! My name is in the playtesting credits, and I've played a lot of rounds of it and it's *gorgeous* and I am so thrilled that people are enjoying it.

*NYFF was even better than last year! Among other _really good_ things is that s00j has switched over from idol to friend (critically important to longterm relationshipal happiness), I developed deeper and happier friendships with a few people, I got to do a lot of really helpful things, and I had some amazingly empowering FAAB conversations with [other?] women about how pathetic dudes are.

*Also I replaced my missing lizard hat with a widebrimmed floppy black hat and it's magnificent.

*My whole witchka style has blossomed in the finest sort of way! Pumpkin colours have become the way of life, and shawls and layers and swishy skirts and *swoon!* I look so awesome, all the time, and I feel so grand. I really love the idea of dressing in such a way that children want to be my friend and grown men find me disturbing or worrisome or scary.

*Megan!! Like, I enjoy all my friends and I'm glad to know all of them, but Megan is the first time I have ever had a work Friend. It's the first time I've ever trusted and cared for someone at work that I felt comfortable outing myself as poly to them. And we're not perfect at it, but we're still communicating, still hanging out, still being friends and that is fucking awesome.

*I went to California for a week and spent a lovely time with mek.

*BODA BORG!!!!!

*For my twenty-seventh birthday, I convinced people to eat ice cream in approximately thirty states, seven countries, and four continents.

*I moved, and oh, I love my new house SO FUCKING MUCH and the people in it SO FUCKING MUCH and I am SO FUCKING HAPPY.

*I did a lot more stiltswalking and feel very happy about that. I really need to repair my stilts (BEFORE ARISIA, THANKS!) so I can do more there.

*Magus got married and I got to wear white-tie formal and send him off. It was awesome1, and I enjoyed the trip immensely. There was the freedom of the open road, and visiting family and friends, and getting to be helpful and SO MUCH GOOD FOOD and damn I looked awesome in white-tie. And married! YAY!!

*Veronica had her baby and he is more than four months old now and he is unbelievably cute and I am unbelievably happy for her.

I'm gonna cut it off there. See self! 2016 was not all doom and gloom!

Let's see what we can do with the beginning of 2017, yeah?

~Sor
MOOP!


1: Was talking about it briefly with [profile] macaroniandtuna this evening, who seems to be in the camp of "it's weird to go to your ex's wedding" and I'm just like ???. Yes, I know I have some unresolved Weird around Keira that's never actually going to go away, and yes, I know I broke up with Magus, but that was largely because he and I are not great at Serious Communication with each other and having a Relationship was significantly more stressful than having a friendship. He and I are still friends. I still care for him dearly, and miss him very much, and I would absolutely still say I love him2 so when he asked me to be in his wedding, I said yes so fucking fast I practically traveled back in time to do it.

2: Just...more like I'd say it to Veronica or Ezri than I would to Terrapin or mek or Sparr.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
ALRIGHT IT'S 2017!

So, I have this file on my computer from a year ago entitled "REVOLUSTRAVAGANZA". Somehow I am only just now realizing that "rev" is not the start of "resolution" but that's to be understood, since I haven't updated the list since like...apparently April. Huh.

In my defense, I spent a lot more of 2016 in a semi-Depressive state than most of the years prior, prompted in no small part by the minor traumas of losing a job I loved1, dealing with a serious asshole landlord2, and The Election. Usually I just get the drain bamage in the winter, spending much of April-June wanting to sob to pieces in my office was an unwelcome addition.

But separate from that, let's check in and see how I did on things. You can read the original post here.

1) Writing: Ehhhhhnnnnnhhh. I did a significantly spottier job of using 750w in 2016 than in 2015. This is gonna be a common trend by the way, 2015 was an objectively better year all around. I'll see about getting back into the swing of things this year.

2) Making LJ posts or whatever: I certainly haven't been hitting 15 a month, but I've been doing a fair clip, which is great. Apparently in October I posted on over half the days, which is kinda amazing. I'll keep trying to focus energies, I (as always) miss it over here.

3) Backing up the computer: I have been...okay? at this. Currently I'm like 60 days out, which is not so good. I will continue to try and hit once a month.

4) Cull my closet: This did not so much happen. I am not so much good at this.

5) Track bicycle milage: I did an awesome job of this until May, at which point I...got distracted and stopped syncing Eddie3 with Kela4, and also stopped using Eddie for a long while. That being said, I managed 1141.84 miles on the bike from January to May, which is a goodly amount, damnit!

((I miss my stupid eight mile commute along the river with the sunrise behind me. Damn but that was good zen-time.))

6) Frivolous bike journey: I did not actually manage. Maybe next year? It's not super a priority.

7) We don't talk about number seven. Being an adult is hard, and I spent a lot of the year in lack-of-meds trauma, which is my excuse for why we don't talk of number seven.

8) Have a job better than substituting for this school year: Well, uh. Huh. Okay, so nannying is objectively better than substituting (it's more consistent, less stressful, and pays better. No benefits, but then, I don't have benefits as a sub either). It's also not what I want to be doing with myself in the long term. Maybe 2017 should be the year where I get serious about finding a *career* again.

9) Five multiday non-dance events: Arisia, Balticon, Gencon, NYFF and.......Marc's Wedding? I don't think that counts. I traveled a lot, but most of it wasn't *events*, per se.

10) Five multiday dance events: Pinewoods x3, NEFFA, and I completely failed to do anything this fall.

11) Do well at current job: Well, they fired me. Like, less than a month after I made this resolution, there began to be Big Conversations and all of January and February was fucking nightmare awful, but I genuinely thought I was doing the work I needed and getting better and it didn't matter. Come the April contract negotiations, I was informed that I would not be invited back.

(My boss was gracious enough to do it at a free period at the end of the day, which means when I went down to my office and sobbed, I didn't have to worry about getting my face back together for students.)

But I think I did a pretty fucking good job of it up until that ending point. The best I could, at least.

12) Give more presents: Ehhh, a little bit? I got weirdly excited and overboard this Christmas with my family (which I like and feel good about, and since I get many things secondhand or discount, I don't feel like I spent too much money or anything), and I feel like I've done a couple good things throughout the year, but not much.

13) Give more presence: I continue to not do well at this, but I've at least been trying? I need to leave way more DW/LJ comments than I actually do, don't I?

14) Less computer time: Weirdly yes? And also very no? It's complicated. When I have other things to do or people to interact with, I'm a lot better at being present and not on the electronicx. When I'm just living my day-to-day life, it's harder. The introduction of pokemon weirded this a lot --I am more likely to have my phone out in public, but also more likely to not be doing anything that takes my attention.

I am probably not allowed to play Skyrim in 2017 either, but I'll re-check this position sometime around June. (Yes, I'm jonesing. Yes, I know there are other similarly good big sandboxy games, but I can't play any of them *either*, not until I can handle myself better.)

15) Emails: I currently have 9851 emails in my inboxen (667 unread). This is not great, but is better than the "well over 10k" I had this time last year. I'll keep poking at it.

16) Wedding planning: Oh gods, I haven't done any of this, and I need to start. Like serously start, since I'll be 28 in eight months. *whimper*

17) Spend time on west coast: With the corollary of "with my boyfriends". This mostly didn't happen. I did visit mek in April, which was excellent, but I didn't actually manage to visit Sparr at all, and things with K˚ are...complicated right now. My resolutions for this year are gonna include "repair some of my relationships and be a better partner".

18) Highland: Nnnnnn? I've been going more often, sure. I competed again (and I'm getting better --previous comp I was solidly 4/4, this one I was solidly 5/7). I'm now up to having *eight* dances clattering around in my head and getting confused with each other. I really want to find the time to film myself doing the best I can at each of them, so I have something to compare with in n months.

As I've mentioned a couple times here, I have no idea why I do Highland. I should unpack that sometime.

19) Craft more stuff: Unfortunately no. I've started drawing again, which is good, but I have really not been doing much in the creation department otherwise. Need to work on that.

(I did sew a tiny Sporran beltpouch at the NH Highland Games --oh hey, that's a multiday dance event!-- this year, because they didn't mind a grownass adult crashing the kids space. It's cute! I made a (very bad) buttonhole!)

So that's that review. It's good to check in with my goals sometimes. Maybe I will make more goals for 2017, and maybe I will actually do a better job of them this year.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: The narrative I have been using (because it hurts less) is that they were looking for a different classroom management style. This is true, but I don't like admitting how much I would've been willing to bend myself to theirs, despite the fact that I am not remotely authoritarian and that seems to be more of what they wanted.

2: Do you wanna know what I love most about my living situation right now? FUCKING EVERYTHING (except going from free in-unit laundry to coin in the basement). I love my new roommates, I love my new house, I love my new landlord, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my non-oil heat. It's a really good thing in a sea of not-so-great.

3: My shipboard computer! (Making the first electronic I've given a dude-name to in ages)

4: Keladry Selbstzucht --my darling laptop, named for the Lady Knight of Mindelan and the German word for self-discipline.

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sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
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