sorcyress: Just a picture of my eye (Me-Eye)
Trigger Warning: Rape and emotional abuse talk. Happy anniversary! :p

So I guess I should talk about it.

Ten years ago today, I started dating kSatyr. Officially like, with the whole "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend" conversation. Things were...already not good in some ways. I don't have good notes from that far back. (I don't have any notes from late August to early December, because that was the hard drive that died and the diary that disappeared and oh I miss it I miss it so.)

I don't think he'd raped me yet, at that point. I know I was already dealing with his whinging, demanding, broken-brained manipulation and emotional abuse. I have no excuse for it, I never have really, except that he had a desperate all-encompassing clinging need which only I could fill, and I was too young to know that's not attractive.

It was years after we broke up before I ever heard the line "don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm".

I hope he's figured out how to fix himself, in the time since. Goddess knows how much effort I've put into the trick. I'd be surprised if he wasn't willing to put in the same, except this was a man twice my age who acted decades younger than me, so actually, I wouldn't be surprised at all.

I wonder sometimes what narrative he tells himself about how it all went down. I wonder if he knows he raped me --I know it would kill him to hear me say it. Good. Let my truth choke him. I haven't even tried looking at his livejournal since I got Kela --and that's been, gosh, more'n three years.

(After we broke up, he told me I had to defriend him, and that I had to make all my posts friends-locked. I told him I wanted to keep writing publicly, that sometimes I have people reading my journal without accounts of their own (Hi Tailsteak!). He told me if I wouldn't acquiesce, he'd tell my mom how far we'd gotten, you know, sexually.

I called his fucking bluff. And eventually, I did unfriend him. I don't know when he stopped reading my journal. The last time I ever talked to him was in 2011. The last time I ever _will_ talk to him was in 2011.)

A lot of this has already been gone over, exhaustively, in TherapyFilter. Or more exhaustively in BehindtheWalls versions 2.0 and 2.1, and in thousands and thousands of my 750words. I have written _a lot_ about kSatyr, and the damages he left behind.

I don't really feel damaged today. Just tired.

In nine months and ten days, it will be December 2nd. It will be the ten year anniversary of being free from him. (Nevermind the hooks that took another year and more to pull out. Nevermind the four years before I could again hold Emily in my arms. Nevermind the scars on my mind that will never totally go away, because this is always going to be a part of me.). I am planning to celebrate that day. I will let my friends know if they can be a part of it.

Be good to each other. We're all we have in this world.

~Sor
MOOP!

Trigger Warning: Rape and emotional abuse talk. Happy anniversary! :p
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Accomplishments of the recent:

*On Saturday, I went on a very long walk with my roommate Liz. It was a good bonding experience, and also a very nice time. The nominal goal was for me to buy a planner, and maybe also a watch1, and also we wanted to stop by some CVSs for potential half-price valentines candy. All of these goals were accomplished! Shockingly, the two of us bought almost nothing else, despite stopping at Black Ink, Joie de Vivre, Paper Source, and Bob Slate Stationary, all of which are places I could easily spend two hundred dollars.

We also did some serious pokemanning. And walked approximately 19k steps --I worked out our path on google maps afterwards, and found it to be 5.8 miles. Woooooo!

*On Sunday I, uh...I think I zero-day'd2 actually. Damn.

*But today! Today was better! Well, today had a kinda iffy part in the middle, but on the whole it was better and it certainly wasn't a zero day. Things I did today include:

**Going grocery shopping
**Cleaning my room a bit, including my bedside table
**Sending one Very Important email
**Taking the necessary measurements to finally work on making the shelves I want in my room

So I'm feeling better-than-yesterday. I also went out to dance, where I actually danced five dances. This is out of eight, which is significantly better than the like...three I usually do. I genuinely like Scottish Dance, I've just been a poop lately.

Also, I had a super-massive social success in that I got an invitation to "come see our little indoor winter garden and have some tea, maybe a meal" from Henriette, one of my favourite dance ladies! This is a woman who decided to *start* SCD in her _mid-eighties_ because she is clearly insane and also super brave and awesome and wonderful.

(She started because she met Ian, who is one of my favourite dance gents, at our booth at the Watertown faire and they fell immediately in love and got married like six months later and now it's been a year and they waltz while looking deep into each other's eyes and THEY ARE SO CUTE AND GREAT!!! So, uh, in case you were worrying for yourself or your future, it is totally possible to find true love everlasting when you're 80+ and everyone around you will think you're epic-awesome for it.)

So that's me. I still have ten thousand billion things to do with everything, but I'm trying. I was filling in my friend Linda (who is the most diplomatic and wonderful lady at all of dance and gods I want to have footwork as good as hers when I'm 40, let alone 60+) in some of the mental health stuff I've been undergoing, and got the chance to remember for myself that I am a Terminal Optimist, and that hasn't changed even though my brain is useless.

Oh! Speaking of mental health stuff and other accomplishments:

*I went to see my GP about mental health stuff. It went pretty well --she is down with the idea of potentially prescribing me other stuff if I need it in the future, and while the Harvard Vanguard behavioral health department is booked until September (!!!!), she gave me a couple good places to start looking.

*Also I remembered to get my STI screening, since it's been a while, oops. (I tried to get it last December, but that was in the middle of having no insurance). The blood draw was super quick, but dang, I've had way more bruising than usual.

So I'm still here. And I'm still awesome, even when it's hard to be.

If you're free Friday, you should come over to my house at 8:00pm and sing the entirety of They Might Be Giants' "Flood". You'll get to hang out with my mom!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: My tentative budget for a watch was no more than $40. I have no pressing need for a watch right now, I've just wanted one for a while, and am a hero of time. Joie had fancy-funny adult ones for $45, none of which exactly struck my fancy, and then they had "for children and small adults" for $15, which is why I now have a BRIGHT ORANGE watch that is covered with lizards. There is even a tiny lizard inside the watch who counts the seconds for me. Her name is Dionne Strider.

2: Zero Days, as in "no more". It's a thing that Brenton told me about, from like...the Reddit bodybuilder dudes, I think. The concept is that every day you do at least *one* thing towards your goals. Even really small one thing. I have enough things to do that this is a really good plan to build towards.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Accomplishments of the time period (like a week? I think it’s been a week).

SO YOU’LL NOTICE I STOPPED MAKING POSTS. Well, Sparr noticed at least, and gave me a request for a status update which is INCREDIBLY USEFUL and not the slightest bit naggy. (Or, like, it if is naggy, it’s exactly the sort I need right now, because damn I’m useless at shit.)

I had several super weird days in a row, due to sister being in town and being in Albany for work. Plus I now appear to have a cold, which is shitty and I don’t like it. So basically I have not accomplished anything in the last week, which is why I haven’t made posts. Let’s see if I can pretend there are at least a few asterisks to make?

*I successfully wrangled the heck out of a two year old on a train and in a completely different state. I got compliments passed onto me via A, about how good a job I was doing with the Rbeast. Yay! I like my job. ((I do not want this job forever —I am not naturally disposed1 to nannying a small child— but I’m glad it’s currently working for me))

*I took a shower last night. Look, we’re just not going to talk about the number of showers I’ve had lately, other than it’s way lower than it should be. I’m trying _really fucking hard_ to fix this one, because stinky is bad.

*Rbeast and I went to the rally on Wednesday! I also went to the state house, where I met my state representative, and badgered the staff of my senator! I am absolutely going to be going to as many marches and rallies as I can manage to wrangle the two year old to.

*Spent lots of positive time with Alys, including a trip to the Garment District, watching Easy A and Cutthroat Kitchen, and making foooood. Also pokemans.

*Managed to go visit friends-I-don’t-see-often twice this week (three times if you count the bananamines, though that was admittedly incidental to hanging with Alys).

*Tended bar for an hour!! (no really). I may have impressed some of the SCDfolk by knowing how to count back change properly. That and facing money are mom’s legacy on “why Kat is a bit of a weird and outdated retail person”.

*Went to Highland for the first time in like…two months. Did passably well. Was only moderately exhausted. It was just me and Rebecca, which was nice. Learned the first two steps of a new dance, and reviewed Flora, Blue Bonnets, and the Hornpipe. Was complimented on the right half of my high-cuts (with the corresponding “jegus fuck, what’s up with the left there?”2)

I…think that’s all for now. I’m not gonna bother sorting it, because it’s mostly all small stuff. But yanno, small stuff is still stuff. I've been super lost and unmotivated and completely lacking in executive function this last week. I can fix that though. Maybe probably hopefully please?

~Sor
MOOP!

1: “inclined” is definitely correct. I mean this in terms of “disposition”. I am quite sure I am using the word wrong, anyone wanna help out?

2: Okay, no, this is not a direct quote even a little bit. Robert is a kind and diplomatic soul, he will totally point out what you’re doing wrong, but it’s always very friendly and gentle and comes from a place of positivity.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Here are the things that I did today that are good for me!

(I am going to try and get these lists down to weekly eventually, but right now it feels useful to be writing them every day. Writing is how my brain stabilizes itself. WRITING LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS is how I keep my sanity going. Once I have a little more basic sanity stores, I will feel less compelled to document my accomplishments quite so minutely.)

Big
*Checked out a GRE study book from the library. It's the 2014 edition, so a little out of date, but not astronomically so.

*From above, spent a straight hour reading and taking notes and taking part of the diagnostic test. (I took the first non-writing part, which was quantitative reasoning -see "math"- and I smashed it in1. 18/20 correct, one of the wrong ones was a dumb fucking mistake (I even double-checked, but not well enough), the other I STUBBORNLY MAINTAIN I GOT RIGHT but no apparently according to the GRE you can have a fraction with decimals in it _ugh_.

*Made a doctor's appointment for about three weeks from now, to talk about mental stuff and maybe changing meds or whatever.

Medium
*Put away all my laundry. I mean, I still have at least a full load to run (plus a sheets+towels load before Sparr visits) but at least there're no clean clothes lying around in my room just now, which is awesome.

*Did an emergency TMC meeting via phone conferencing where I contributed good thoughts and also chivvied people along so that we could be done in less than a half hour. YOU'RE WELCOME, DANCEFOLX.

Small
*Scheduled a hangout-and-productivity date with friends I don't see often, for next Tuesday. Yay!

*Deposited five checks, asked for the check I forgot for last week's work, deposited that as well. (yyyyeah, that was like 2k I just put into my bank account GOOD JOB KIDDO no wait, no sarcasm in here, genuinely a good thing to do, thank you.)

~Sor
MOOP!

1: So, I don't edit a lot, not journal entries. However, just before posting, I noticed this wording and like...smashed it in? I mean, I get what I was trying to say, but that's just weird damn wording.
sorcyress: Picture of a smiling tampon with the phrase "Girls: We're so emo we don't even NEED to cut ourselves" (Emo-period)
So, concrete things to help me right now (since it seems puriant1useful to make some posts that are...you know. Not written while sobbing.)

1) Catch me via text or IM for casual conversation throughout the day. (one of the downfalls of working with a 2-year old for a living is that I get precious little adult interaction, and I forget how damn lonely that can be. Normally I at least see my coworkers at lunch, with the Rbeast, I meet other parents and nannies sometimes, but I'm dreadful bad at connecting with random strange adults.

(I'm typically awake from about 0600-2300 on weekdays, and 1000-0100 on weekends. I'm nannying at least eight of those hours, plus dance etc, so I may be slow to reply but I like text based conversations)

2) Catch me via text or IM during non-work hours to check in on me and ask me if there's a productive step I can take. (If things are going well, I may tell you that I've already done a productive step for the day, see point one.) ((productive steps are likely to be about: grad school, dance management stuff, job hunting, room cleaning --feel free to be specific or ask about another known topic!))

(nonwork hours are typically from 1600-2300 on weekdays, and 1000-0100 on weekends. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I dance in the evenings, and will be less around and more exhausted.)

3) Physically interact with me in a productive way with us in the same space. Optimal for me right now is you coming to my place, doing something productive of your own on my bed (or hell, something non-productive, I don't care) while I do something productive either in my room or on my computer. Once the weather gets less damnéd depressing, and I actually feel like I can bike places without arriving soggy and self-loathing, I can offer to do the same at your place.

Please be willing to schedule these productivity dates 2-3 weeks in advance. My calendar is weird and uncomfortably often full.

4) Trade accountability pings with me. This is sortof a weird thought, but the idea is that I and you would establish that we each ping the other at a certain time each (week?)day to check that some basic daily task has been completed. Like, I would ask you to ping me between noon and 2pm to ask me if I've had lunch, and I would ping you at 10pm to remind you to go to bed OR WHATEVER.

I haven't fully fleshed out the idea, but I want to be more accountable, and it's a lot easier to be accountable to other people than myself. And I think maybe I'm not the only one that feels that way? Anyways, if this rough idea sounds useful to you, please leave a comment or email me so we can talk more about it.

5) Keep being kind and loving and caring and compassionate, not just to me, but to all the people you meet who are fighting their own tiny internal fights.

This includes yourselves. I know some pretty freaking awesome people, and if you're reading this, there's no chance you're not one of them.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Prusiant? Puriant? Prurient? WHOA THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT WHOOPS. Or rather, it might've been the word I meant but not with the sexual interest part? I'm not altogether sure. Help me out, y'all (we'll sing backup!2)

2: Cookie to whoever gets this reference. Except mom, she's the one who introduced it to me.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Here are the things I have done today that are good for me:

Big stuff
*I took the first steps towards setting up an appointment for brainfixing. Whether that winds up being better/different ADHD treatment or treatment for something else remains to be seen, but I'm gonna call tomorrow and set up a real appointment and take my next steps.

*I now know the admission dates for two grad programs (both in the past, but good incentive for the future) and have a tab open with GRE dates

*I am trying to reach out to people and trying to actively be better about...I'm trying to be better.

Medium stuff

*I bought my bus ticket home from Albany (I am going on a business trip! This is ridiculous and cool)

*I unpacked all my bags from Arisia

Small stuff (still important!)

*I made more pasta, so I will have food the next few days.

*I came back to Habitica


*************

Looking forward:

*I want to obtain a planner. I think it has to be physical, given my relationship with physical media. It also has to be stupid over-thorough. Possibly it's going to be a bunch of comprehensive schedule grids printed out from the internet. Certainly the first few weeks are going to be.

*Put away all the clothes that are currently on my bed.

*Change sheets (closer to when Sparr is visiting, because cat)

*Take a practice GRE test

*Dance stuff

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Um

Hi.




I'm bursting into tears writing even that much (and even knowing that every time I start crying again it makes the stabbing pains in my head flare up --I just took an ibuprofen, I should be fine soon, but oh god, I have cried too much today and my head is pounding.)

Um.

Anyways.





On June 15th, 2009, I sent an email that quite literally changed my life. It was to Magus. It ended with the line "[I] kinda understand completely if you don't want to date the stupid crazy chick".

It started with the line "For more or less the entirety of our relationship, Ksatyr raped me".

It was the hardest, and scariest, email I have ever sent to anyone, ever. It was the first time I ever explicitly told another person I had been raped. It was easily one of the first times I was able to say the phrase "kSatyr raped me". I wrote a few paragraphs of it in the early evening, and then I went off and did errands and distracted myself before coming back and writing the rest. And hitting send.

If you had asked me a month ago, what if felt like to send that email, I wouldn't have been able to give you a particularly good answer. Time fades memory, and time dulls pain. "Definitely scary? Kinda shameful? Worried I was messing everything up? Self-loathing that I wasn't good enough, that I was somehow ruined?"

Today I have a different answer: This. It feels like this.

Because I am sitting in a different bedroom, with a different laptop, and I am shaking uncontrollably. This time it wasn't an email, it was a phone call. It wasn't calculated, it was impulsive. And it wasn't to say I had been raped.

It was to say I might have Depression. To a health care professional --the evening staffer at my medical practice. I asked to be called tomorrow, to see about scheduling an appointment, to try and do a screening and maybe start therapy, or medication, or behavioral modification or...

to maybe stop being broken.

Because I know it wasn't the proper hours to make an appointment, but if I tried to wait until then, I wasn't going to call. Not ever.

And maybe I don't actually have depression, but there is something that is not right with me. I don't know if I need to change my medication, or engage in behavioral psych, or what, but I can't get things done and that's not normal. I can't get _anything_ done. I go to work and I do what they need me to do, but then I go home and just...

I'm not even entirely sure where the time goes, some days.

I've been trying to apply to grad schools for something like three years now, and there's something blocking my brain, making it impossible for me to do it, and I don't know what or why or how to fix it.

And maybe the doctors can.




...

I just had a half-hour conversation with the on-call evening shift nurse/medic/???. Her name is Stephanie. She is calm and collected and honest and compassionate.

I missed the Fall 2017 deadline for Tufts. For BU too, but they say theirs is a soft deadline --not to say that I'm thrilling enough to get in after it passed, but now at least I know.

And I can start moving forward anyways. Maybe if I apply now, they'll keep me on file for 2018. That can work too. And maybe if I am managing to apply to grad schools, I will find the same space in me to apply to jobs. And manage the Highland Ball, and Pinewoods. To get things done.





I am so scared. I have so much to do and it's so hard and scary, and I'm not good at it.

I can't do this alone.

You must understand how much it chokes me to write those words. I crave freedom like I crave air, and I've never understood a meaning of the word where I rely on other people.

But I've done more for my future in a half-hour phone call with a stranger than I've managed in three years alone. [[deep breath kiddo, close the eyes, make the fingers say words that feel like traitors to your fucked up broken brain]] I can't do this alone. I need help to get my brain on track, to get my world on track. Absolutely I should be able to do things functionally by myself, but there's no shame in having my friends, my family, give me reminders.

Please, if you think of it, give me reminders. Please ask me to do some of the work I need to do. Please check in with how I'm doing, especially at times when I can do it (IM is tops for this).

***

On June 15th, 2009, I took a deep breath and hit send on an email that boiled down to "please help me be better". Today is January 23rd, 2017. I am going to hit post, and ask all of you the same thing.

I can do this. I can ask for help when I need it. I can fix my brain, and I can have support while it happens.

((Words make truth.))

~R.
MOOP!

((PostScript: As always, I am not and do not experience suicidal ideation. Thank you for caring about me.))
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
((Wrote about half of this in response to a random Tumblr thing, then decided I didn't want to bother on my phone ((probably somewhere around the first footnote)) and now I am too lazy to dig up the relevant post.))

Here's a thing: I am absolutely a newbie to being a Star Wars *fan*. But I own eight action figures now, and I really like my collection and want to keep adding to it.

Two years ago, I wouldn't have cared in the slightest about owning any action figures. But then jere7my brought me to the midnight toy release for The Force Awakens. Not because I'm super into Star Wars (I, like most geeks (and non-geeks), enjoy the movies but that's about it) but because he needed a getaway driver and we're best friends so I'll totally do the man a solid.

Now, jere7my has been a Star Wars fan since he watched them in theatres as a little kid, holding his dad's hand. He has a heap of action figures, which he displays proudly on the bookshelf of his otherwise quite adult looking house0. And when I was poking around and asking dumb questions about who all the droids were, he was enthusiastic and friendly and excited. He commiserated with me about the lack of good Leias. And when I found a little Rey figure, and decided that I liked her, he told me she was a good choice, the new heroine, and he was happy for me.

He didn't roll his eyes at me1 or act indignant or otherwise sneer down his nose that I didn't already know the minute everything of the entire extended universe. When I decided I wanted a Sabine figure this most recent toy-release-night2, just because she looked cool, he didn't scold me for not knowing what she was from, he just agreed that she was cool and told me that she was from Star Wars Rebels so I could watch her source material if I wanted3.

It drives me crazy when I see ridiculous hobby gatekeeping, because...it doesn't have to be that way. Star Wars has a fan who buys merchandise4 because they had another fan who was open and cool and invited me to share with him something he loved. I'm pretty thick-skinned about the "fake geek girl"5 bullshit, but that doesn't mean I want to feel like I have to pass a series of vocabulary tests just to purchase the cool action figure girl with the blue hair.

Share the things you love. Share, not horde and overprotect and dole out in measured doses only to those you deem "worthy". It's just better for everyone.

~Sor
MOOP!

0: Srsly, jere7my and ad_familiares's house is _unbelievably gorgeous_ and well put together and lovely. All their art is framed, and it's interesting and vivid and some of it is bugs! Plus, whenever jere7my hosts an Exec meeting or whatever, he arranges for there to be very good things to eat (these were unfortunately not a solace the night of January 16thNovember 8th.)

((Long Reach jokes what up!))

1: Okay, fine, well he does roll his eyes at me, but usually it's prompted by me being an ass and asking which episode of Doctor Who C3PO is from or something like that.

2: For which I was not a getaway driver, since we biked.

3: So far I haven't gotten around to it. I am easily distractible and have very few cycles for watching things.

4: Figures I have bought new at ToysRUs at one of the two release nights: Rey, Jyn, and Sabine. Figures I have bought used at Order 66 Toys in McKinney: Endor speeder-bike rider Leia, big fancy red dress Amidala (or Padme? I feel like there's some weird proper name thing just out of reach, which I'd be happy to have explained if it wasn't eighty years long), ANH Leia in the white dress, C3PO, and Hoth Leia. I also have an Ewok village party-Leia that wabbit bought me, because FRIENDS!! I desperately want a General Leia (from TFA), and less desperately want a K-2SO, more other Leias, and a BODHI!!!!4.5

4.5: This is how I can tell my fling with buying action figures has gotten serious --I was quite emphatic about buying the *heroines* of the Star Wars universe, rather than the dudes. Except of course sassy anxiety droid, who is my favourite droid. And then Bodhi turned out to have those big eyes and that sad lost face and that incredible inner strength and ugh, I know it's a huge filthy trash-crush but I just want to take him home and feed him cake damnit! And it doesn't help that Riz Ahmed is totally gorgeous.

I should maybe cosplay Bohdi.

Anyways, yeah. The day I realized I wanted an action figure of a dirty, stinky (brave, heroic, peaceful, rebellious...) BOY was the day I realized I was lost for good.

5: Largely because I'm already a fake girl, so adding other adjectives doesn't really change anything. But also because I kinda like reveling in being a "filthy casual" --it means I get to have all the fun of enjoying something without any of the stress of having to constantly declare that enjoyment loudly and explicitly to everyone around me.


PostScript 1: Seriously, my interest in Star Wars is pretty new. I saw the original trilogy as a kid and liked them, but I also seem to recall liking Phantom Menace, so you can't actually trust me on that. As a geek, I'm all for the existence of Star Wars, but I didn't really get super into it all until Rey and TFA (which has given me a new appreciation for Leia too!)

PostScript 2: Yeah, on the one hand it's awesome that I got into Star Wars and especially Leia just in time for Carrie Fisher to die and my heart to shatter. "awesome".

PostScript 3: I also feel I should give a shoutout to wabbit, because I'm always more inclined to try out cool things when there are cool people being excitable about it, and she's the other Most Excitable About Star Wars person I know. And wabbit is also super awesome about being respectful and chill and offering explanations when I need 'em and not berating me for remembering whether BB8's head screws are threaded clockwise or widdershins.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I am less sick!

This is a definitely impressive thing, because yesterday I completed an item from nobody's bucket list ever, and threw up on the plane. I did manage to get it all in the bag, and I was practically subtle about it (as subtle as one can be) but oh man, it sure does ruin your chances with that cute flight attendant with the awesome glasses when you have to hand him a bag of your warm puke.

(I also threw up several more times last night, because ugghhhhhh. As I complained on Twitter, the worst part about being an adult is having to empty your own puke-bucket.)

Anywho, today I was just major league fatiguey (okay, with some slight nausea). I was plagued by the confluence of "I don't want to eat" and "there's not a lot to eat in the house" and so didn't actually wind up consuming anything substantial until, er, seven fifteen PM, when my friend Cathy gave me some soup at the Exec meeting. I am going to have to get her a nice card for mother's day or something, I swear.

I am feeling much more spry. I am still faintly stomach-unhappy, but I haven't gotten close to puking in nearly 24 hours now. I'm gonna go to sleep and hopefully go to work tomorrow (yes, RBeast's parents know I'm sick and know the symptoms. And yes, if I wake up tomorrow and feel completely awful, I will not go in.)

Other nice stuff:

*My friend Kas drove me home from the airport last night, which was super nice of them, especially since it was POURING rain. Like, both of my checked bags came out on the conveyer belts completely soaked. Yipes!

*I caught a Venusaur on the way home from my meeting! As I was walking up the hill to get it, a nice dude was walking down and say me and just said "That Venusaur?" I laughed and said "yeah" and it was a really lovely human connection moment in the middle of a cold and damp night.

*Past!Kat did something right for once, and when I came home yesterday, I found my room almost totally clean. This basically never happens --I tend to turn my living space into a disaster area when I'm preparing to go anywhere. I think it's because I had a quick date with Terrapin immediately before leaving --note to self, schedule things thusly more often...

*On the plane I wrote up the TMC minutes (I have no idea why this is so utterly impossible for me to do) and today I sent them out. Cookies for ADHD Kat!

*I GOT MY MEDS! I got my meds I got my meds I got my meds! It has been a long fucking four months since I've had proper dosage and not had to fall back on my emergency stash or anything. I am very very happy. Also, this means I have health insurance again, so if you're the type to fret about that, um...don't anymore?

*Folks on Facebook are being cool and supportive about my gender post, leaving me to believe that I am the luckiest snofagun1 to ever walk the planet. Even my grandfather's being awesome about it, because I have the best damn family ever, please feel free to borrow it whenever necessary.

I dunno. I'm home in Boston? That's pretty amazing, even if it's cold all the time again. Tomorrow I get to see the Rbeast and go to the library and have a very nice time of things, I hope. And then I will come home and finally actually unpack from vacation and yeah.

Hope your life is going well and you are not very sick today!

~Sor
MOOP!

1: This is an intentional misspelling --I had some archie comics as a kid that spelled it "sonofagun" all run together, and I used to misread it pretty often. I will also say snofagun sometimes as a mild swear.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Hey friends!

One of my minor New Years resolutions is to try speaking up more when people get my pronouns/personhood wrong. So!

I am not a woman(/girl/lady/etc). I am an agender person. (Or genderqueer, or enby...) The pronouns you should use when referring to me are "they/them/theirs". Instead of Ms. or Mr., I use "Mx".
If you need to refer to something about me that is relevant to my being female-assigned, please use that, or "FAAB" (for "female assigned at birth").

Andyeah. If you wanna share your identifying pronouns/words as comments to this post, I'd like to know them!

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
2016 has finished! I had a pretty fucking rough time of things. Let's talk about some of the not-so-rough parts.

*I started drawing more! I cannot state how important and good this feels to me as a creative person. I've been tossing snaps of my sketches up on Twitter, but I've yet to find a good archiving space that I can use --please don't suggest deviantArt unless you can also prove to me that they've become less awful to trans and genderqueer folk.

*I got paid to teach SCD! This is REALLY REALLY COOL! I also got a lot of compliments on my classes and social hours, which was pretty thrilling. I taught five basic classes in November and December, and ran the associated social hours. Laura and I also ran the social dancing after both big dance meetings we have in the year.

*Yes, we parted ways and I'm sad about it, but until that happened I professionally taught high school math for six months and was salaried and had some of the best girls in the world to influence and enjoy.

*One Deck Dungeon has been published! My name is in the playtesting credits, and I've played a lot of rounds of it and it's *gorgeous* and I am so thrilled that people are enjoying it.

*NYFF was even better than last year! Among other _really good_ things is that s00j has switched over from idol to friend (critically important to longterm relationshipal happiness), I developed deeper and happier friendships with a few people, I got to do a lot of really helpful things, and I had some amazingly empowering FAAB conversations with [other?] women about how pathetic dudes are.

*Also I replaced my missing lizard hat with a widebrimmed floppy black hat and it's magnificent.

*My whole witchka style has blossomed in the finest sort of way! Pumpkin colours have become the way of life, and shawls and layers and swishy skirts and *swoon!* I look so awesome, all the time, and I feel so grand. I really love the idea of dressing in such a way that children want to be my friend and grown men find me disturbing or worrisome or scary.

*Megan!! Like, I enjoy all my friends and I'm glad to know all of them, but Megan is the first time I have ever had a work Friend. It's the first time I've ever trusted and cared for someone at work that I felt comfortable outing myself as poly to them. And we're not perfect at it, but we're still communicating, still hanging out, still being friends and that is fucking awesome.

*I went to California for a week and spent a lovely time with mek.

*BODA BORG!!!!!

*For my twenty-seventh birthday, I convinced people to eat ice cream in approximately thirty states, seven countries, and four continents.

*I moved, and oh, I love my new house SO FUCKING MUCH and the people in it SO FUCKING MUCH and I am SO FUCKING HAPPY.

*I did a lot more stiltswalking and feel very happy about that. I really need to repair my stilts (BEFORE ARISIA, THANKS!) so I can do more there.

*Magus got married and I got to wear white-tie formal and send him off. It was awesome1, and I enjoyed the trip immensely. There was the freedom of the open road, and visiting family and friends, and getting to be helpful and SO MUCH GOOD FOOD and damn I looked awesome in white-tie. And married! YAY!!

*Veronica had her baby and he is more than four months old now and he is unbelievably cute and I am unbelievably happy for her.

I'm gonna cut it off there. See self! 2016 was not all doom and gloom!

Let's see what we can do with the beginning of 2017, yeah?

~Sor
MOOP!


1: Was talking about it briefly with [profile] macaroniandtuna this evening, who seems to be in the camp of "it's weird to go to your ex's wedding" and I'm just like ???. Yes, I know I have some unresolved Weird around Keira that's never actually going to go away, and yes, I know I broke up with Magus, but that was largely because he and I are not great at Serious Communication with each other and having a Relationship was significantly more stressful than having a friendship. He and I are still friends. I still care for him dearly, and miss him very much, and I would absolutely still say I love him2 so when he asked me to be in his wedding, I said yes so fucking fast I practically traveled back in time to do it.

2: Just...more like I'd say it to Veronica or Ezri than I would to Terrapin or mek or Sparr.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
ALRIGHT IT'S 2017!

So, I have this file on my computer from a year ago entitled "REVOLUSTRAVAGANZA". Somehow I am only just now realizing that "rev" is not the start of "resolution" but that's to be understood, since I haven't updated the list since like...apparently April. Huh.

In my defense, I spent a lot more of 2016 in a semi-Depressive state than most of the years prior, prompted in no small part by the minor traumas of losing a job I loved1, dealing with a serious asshole landlord2, and The Election. Usually I just get the drain bamage in the winter, spending much of April-June wanting to sob to pieces in my office was an unwelcome addition.

But separate from that, let's check in and see how I did on things. You can read the original post here.

1) Writing: Ehhhhhnnnnnhhh. I did a significantly spottier job of using 750w in 2016 than in 2015. This is gonna be a common trend by the way, 2015 was an objectively better year all around. I'll see about getting back into the swing of things this year.

2) Making LJ posts or whatever: I certainly haven't been hitting 15 a month, but I've been doing a fair clip, which is great. Apparently in October I posted on over half the days, which is kinda amazing. I'll keep trying to focus energies, I (as always) miss it over here.

3) Backing up the computer: I have been...okay? at this. Currently I'm like 60 days out, which is not so good. I will continue to try and hit once a month.

4) Cull my closet: This did not so much happen. I am not so much good at this.

5) Track bicycle milage: I did an awesome job of this until May, at which point I...got distracted and stopped syncing Eddie3 with Kela4, and also stopped using Eddie for a long while. That being said, I managed 1141.84 miles on the bike from January to May, which is a goodly amount, damnit!

((I miss my stupid eight mile commute along the river with the sunrise behind me. Damn but that was good zen-time.))

6) Frivolous bike journey: I did not actually manage. Maybe next year? It's not super a priority.

7) We don't talk about number seven. Being an adult is hard, and I spent a lot of the year in lack-of-meds trauma, which is my excuse for why we don't talk of number seven.

8) Have a job better than substituting for this school year: Well, uh. Huh. Okay, so nannying is objectively better than substituting (it's more consistent, less stressful, and pays better. No benefits, but then, I don't have benefits as a sub either). It's also not what I want to be doing with myself in the long term. Maybe 2017 should be the year where I get serious about finding a *career* again.

9) Five multiday non-dance events: Arisia, Balticon, Gencon, NYFF and.......Marc's Wedding? I don't think that counts. I traveled a lot, but most of it wasn't *events*, per se.

10) Five multiday dance events: Pinewoods x3, NEFFA, and I completely failed to do anything this fall.

11) Do well at current job: Well, they fired me. Like, less than a month after I made this resolution, there began to be Big Conversations and all of January and February was fucking nightmare awful, but I genuinely thought I was doing the work I needed and getting better and it didn't matter. Come the April contract negotiations, I was informed that I would not be invited back.

(My boss was gracious enough to do it at a free period at the end of the day, which means when I went down to my office and sobbed, I didn't have to worry about getting my face back together for students.)

But I think I did a pretty fucking good job of it up until that ending point. The best I could, at least.

12) Give more presents: Ehhh, a little bit? I got weirdly excited and overboard this Christmas with my family (which I like and feel good about, and since I get many things secondhand or discount, I don't feel like I spent too much money or anything), and I feel like I've done a couple good things throughout the year, but not much.

13) Give more presence: I continue to not do well at this, but I've at least been trying? I need to leave way more DW/LJ comments than I actually do, don't I?

14) Less computer time: Weirdly yes? And also very no? It's complicated. When I have other things to do or people to interact with, I'm a lot better at being present and not on the electronicx. When I'm just living my day-to-day life, it's harder. The introduction of pokemon weirded this a lot --I am more likely to have my phone out in public, but also more likely to not be doing anything that takes my attention.

I am probably not allowed to play Skyrim in 2017 either, but I'll re-check this position sometime around June. (Yes, I'm jonesing. Yes, I know there are other similarly good big sandboxy games, but I can't play any of them *either*, not until I can handle myself better.)

15) Emails: I currently have 9851 emails in my inboxen (667 unread). This is not great, but is better than the "well over 10k" I had this time last year. I'll keep poking at it.

16) Wedding planning: Oh gods, I haven't done any of this, and I need to start. Like serously start, since I'll be 28 in eight months. *whimper*

17) Spend time on west coast: With the corollary of "with my boyfriends". This mostly didn't happen. I did visit mek in April, which was excellent, but I didn't actually manage to visit Sparr at all, and things with K˚ are...complicated right now. My resolutions for this year are gonna include "repair some of my relationships and be a better partner".

18) Highland: Nnnnnn? I've been going more often, sure. I competed again (and I'm getting better --previous comp I was solidly 4/4, this one I was solidly 5/7). I'm now up to having *eight* dances clattering around in my head and getting confused with each other. I really want to find the time to film myself doing the best I can at each of them, so I have something to compare with in n months.

As I've mentioned a couple times here, I have no idea why I do Highland. I should unpack that sometime.

19) Craft more stuff: Unfortunately no. I've started drawing again, which is good, but I have really not been doing much in the creation department otherwise. Need to work on that.

(I did sew a tiny Sporran beltpouch at the NH Highland Games --oh hey, that's a multiday dance event!-- this year, because they didn't mind a grownass adult crashing the kids space. It's cute! I made a (very bad) buttonhole!)

So that's that review. It's good to check in with my goals sometimes. Maybe I will make more goals for 2017, and maybe I will actually do a better job of them this year.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: The narrative I have been using (because it hurts less) is that they were looking for a different classroom management style. This is true, but I don't like admitting how much I would've been willing to bend myself to theirs, despite the fact that I am not remotely authoritarian and that seems to be more of what they wanted.

2: Do you wanna know what I love most about my living situation right now? FUCKING EVERYTHING (except going from free in-unit laundry to coin in the basement). I love my new roommates, I love my new house, I love my new landlord, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my non-oil heat. It's a really good thing in a sea of not-so-great.

3: My shipboard computer! (Making the first electronic I've given a dude-name to in ages)

4: Keladry Selbstzucht --my darling laptop, named for the Lady Knight of Mindelan and the German word for self-discipline.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Notes:

1) Music is incredibly critical to keeping my overall mood stable and my anxiety low. If I haven't had time to listen to music lately, I need to remember that it's one of the fastest/strongest/best ways to Fix Things.

2) I need to listen to "Somebody Will" and sob so hard I can't sing along at least once every six months, apparently. It's a reminder of what we're meant to be doing and where we're meant to be going, and it shouldn't sound so damn much like a dirge.

3) I want to make a post talking about the Denizens and music and how beautifully they work together, and I've been meaning to make this post for like a month now (there was a really bad Monday going to dance where it became relevant) and someone should poke me about it, especially once I'm back in Boston.

4) I will try and make some year-in-review/year-looking-forward posts later, but for now there are still people and social in my house.

5) Hi! I like you, and hope your 2017 is better than your 2016.

~Sor
MOOP!

((for my own reference and possibly your interest, the songs I listened to in order to repair/break better my brain were: Go Away Godboy (s00j), Never Look Away (Vienna Teng), Joan (Heather Dale), Somebody Will (Sassafrass), Timber Party (mashed up by Shahar Varshal), and Every Time it Rains (Charlotte Martin).))
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I desperately miss the old days of IM.

Part of this is myself --I am not able to be online and giving things my full attention until all hours of the night anymore. Some of the people I used to chat with for hours are simply no longer easily accessible to me since their schedules no longer sync with my own. (Stupid time zones).

Part of this is the rest of the world. Things have shifted such that phones now connect to the IM, which slows it all down and makes it less instant and more "eh, I'll get to the text when I have a minute".

Plus, people just...don't IM with me as much anymore. If I am communicating with a friend via Twitter and face to face and all that, it's not as necessary to IM them, I guess? But even my faraway friends, my usage is fading.

And honestly? This fucking sucks for me. I am such a ridiculously text-based individual, if you want to earn my love (or just become pretty good friends with me) nothing will do you as well as giving me a regular source of your words. And no source of words will please me as much (at least in the short term) as hitting me up on AIM or GTalk and tossing some conversation back and forth.

(well, Livejournal. But I can't expect any of y'all to actually come back here like ever.)

Anyways, I'ma gonna try and make some more intentional times to be on IM. Maybe I'll even publicise them on Facebook or whatever. That'd be kindof a cute experiment --call it a "Post Hard" night or something1. and open up the digital living room so all my friends can come chill with me as I splatter myself across the internet.

But if you see me online, hit me up! Maybe you'll just get me when I'm on hangouts on my phone, but yanno, I like people then too! I'll do my best to engage.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Post Hard is one of my favourite erotic stories ever written, mostly because it just GETS me. It's from the original version of Kate Bornstein's "My Gender Workbook".
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Update on today: After hanging with Ezri, I went over to Austein's house for dinner. We hung out and snuggled and made stir-fry and after we almost went to see Rogue One, but then decided to go to the party all our friends were at instead. This was a really good idea! It meant I got to see [profile] le_coeur_chante and [personal profile] darxus and make a gingerbread house out of graham crackers, and listen to music, and make origami for the tree and people and warmth and cookies and yayyyy!!!

So even if I didn't go and see Star Wars again, I got to have a very nice evening full of very nice people. I need to work harder to do social stuff --I miss the people I love when I don't manage to be around them.

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Here is some stuff that has been happening lately:

Today (Sunday 18): I made considerable progress on room cleaning, including cleaning off my desk (YAYYY!!!) and making some progress with the Giant Unyielding Pile of Papers. I also hung out with Ezri and ate pancakes.

Yesterday (Saturday 17): I woke up at two in the afternoon and then was awake for less than twelve hours what even. I hung out on Skype with a friend while assembling my Holiday present from jere7my --a LEGO version of the Ecto1, with figures of all four of my girls, and Kevin, and a boss translucent demon thing! I also put away a sizable amount of laundry.

Friday: I worked many hours, and biked for half an hour in single digit weather --if anything I was too warm, proving once again that winter means nothing to me (hahahah no.) I grabbed dinner with the nannyfamily, and then I scurried home to watch Elementary with mek. I also fell asleep on mek, because I am a bad date.

Thursday: Worked. Scurried home as fast as possible (by way of one Holiday shopping errand) to throw on a change of clothes and dash down to Davis Square to meet up with jere7my. Then we went and saw STAR WARS: ROGUE ONE!!!!!!!!!! It was excellent and I enjoyed it. I may write a spoilery review later.

Wednesday: Worked. Came home and...didn't...go to Highland. Because I was brainsick? I think because I was brainsick. I did not have a great start of the week. Things have gotten better, hopefully.

Tuesday: Worked. Did fuckall after work.

Monday: Did a downright horrific substituting day. Survived. Came home and puttered a bit. Headed off to teach my last class of the month for Scottish --people seem to enjoy my classes, and in this one, I actually _ran out of things to teach_ and had to scramble at the end. Plus I wound up with FOUR COUPLES! That was a pretty cool way to end it all.

Sunday (11): Had plans to hang out with awesome Megan and her boyf Noah. This involved us going to Central Sq and seeing A Palpable Hit, which was a collection of twelve of Shakespeare's fight scenes, all in a row. IT WAS SPECTACULAR and if we hadn't seen the last show of the run, we'd be urging EVERYONE IN THE WORLD to go attend it. Also did a lot of Holiday shopping. Was very good to see Megan and Noah --haven't seen her since August and him since like...June. Also, I shopped at like...four separate bookstores, which felt good.

Saturday (10): Played games all day at the Bananamines. Very satisfying! I played Bohnanza, Money, ...something else, Pandemic: The Cure, and Broom Service. I did spectacularly badly at that last one, but enjoyed it. I wish I could remember that middle game I played. O.o

And there was other stuff before that, work and dance related. Upcoming is being a shitty secretary for TMC, and the dance holiday party, and heading to Texas for Holiday and more present buying and the like. Whee!

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
I say a lot of things out loud, just to amuse myself. Yes, even when I am alone in the house. Yes, I also talk to inanimate objects and pets (and not just "who's a cute laptop? Is it you? It is!")

Most recently:

Me: Why is my laundry basket1 full of hangers.
Alsome: Someone thought it was a good idea to leave them in there.
Me: Someone is an idiot.
Alsome: That someone is you.
Me: I am an idiot.

((I have since fixed the hanger problem. I'ma go do laundry WOO!))

~Sor
MOOP!

1: I only own one laundry basket, which I find incredibly annoying and frustrating, except that, unless you have a dedicated laundry room, laundry baskets are one of the most terrible things in the world to store, plus, how the hell would I ever get one home on my bike?

ETA: I feel the need to clarify why I'm calling myself an idiot. See, I store my laundry basket in the top of my closet, wedged rather precariously in there. (Seriously, if I rustle my clothing too much, it may attack.) So filling it full of hangers means that a) I can't use it as a laundry basket and b) how did I even get it up there in the first place AAAHHH HANGERLANCHE.
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
So it's been about four years since I properly updated my wantlist, and my sister was asking, so here, have the newest version. (You can find all the old versions under the Wantlist tag.)

Obligatory Disclaimers:

1) No one ever has to get me stuff. Ever. I am both capable of buying my own stuff, and perfectly happy to not have stuff. No one has to, not parents, not partners, not friends, nobody. This post is only to help you if you do wanna get me stuff.

2) I am almost always poor, and absolutely always bad at buying presents for other people. I don't believe in gift reciprocity. I will get you things if I find things that work for you, but I am not likely to make a point of getting you things. If I get you things, you in no way have to get me things --see point one.

3) This is not a comprehensive list of everything I want in the world. Some of this list is very specific, some of it is kinda vague. Often I am happy with things that are similar (but not always). For more information on the sorts of things I like, see my Aestheticslist which needs a little updating (I am moving more towards solely pumpkin colours and away from red and purple, for instance) but is pretty accurate. I like pumpkin colours, spiders, and math. Do with that as you will!

Onwards! )

Whuf. Like I said in the disclaimers, I'm sure there's other things I want, but there's very little in my life I actually need and don't have, so this is a pretty good start!

~Sor
MOOP!
sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Like...mild trigger warning for slightly irreverent emotional abuse references

Oh hey, I almost forgot.

It's been nine years since I rode up the escalators in Porter Square Station, stepped out into the snow, and felt my heart sing out

home.


In the spring of 2007, I had applied to UMaryland: College Park, Tufts, Brandeis, Lesley, and Boston University. I wanted to go north so bad I could taste it. On March 31st, mom walked into the living room to give me the only news that could distract me from my asshole-life-sucking-abusive-boyfriend and the presence of THE GREATEST PERSON IN THE WORLD1. She had two envelopes from colleges saying "thanks but your pre-ADHD-diagnosis grades and general shiftlessness are a no go" and one big thick packet from Lesley saying "come on down, and have some free money to boot!"

Shitpickle-assface of course had to try and ruin things by being UNBELIEVABLY SAD AND UNABLE TO COPE with the fact that I was going to move to another state (god, seriously, someone go step on that guy's foot, he's such a mayobutt) but that didn't matter because a) I now had absolute and objective proof that I wasn't a completely worthless piece of shit academically and could actually get my ridiculous dysfunctional ass into college and b) THAT COLLEGE WAS IN BOSTON WOO!!!

So I moved four hundred miles north (and somewhat east) and woke up one morning to a parade going past my college and one night I was across the hall when the disco bikes rode by and I discovered SCD and was told in no uncertain terms that Davis sq was way hipper than Harvard, tyvm.

And then there was a blitz-surprise-visit to the city I loathed2 and boy that was emotionally exhausting, the good and the bad ("Veronica, Veronica, Veronica" "KAT!" *cue hugs and tears*) and I didn't sleep all that much because I was busy being raped and dumping that dirtrag-monkeystain's face and so the plane ride home was weirdly meditative.

And I walked out the big glass doors and everything was quiet and muffled by a layer of snow. And well, I'd been ~*pretty sure*~ before, that this was where I was meant to be. But that single instant...the chord it struck in me hasn't stopped chiming yet.

I belong here. As much as I may consider the idea of trying somewhere new, as much as I flirt with the thought of going full nomad and wandering a while, my heart and soul and self belongs in the area encompassed by the MBTA's subway system.

So now it's been a third of my life that I've spent living here. It's too bone-fucking cold and there are massholes making every form of transit worse than the last, and ugh Ivy-snobs and gentrification and would the friggin green line just *expand* already and gods, I just love this stupid town so unbelievably much.

(Did you know Boston is the only city in the world where you can get lost on the public transit and find yourself in Wonderland? I've always found that amazing, and you should too.)

I am home, and I am here, and I am happy.

~Sor
MOOP!

1: Which is to say, it was the first day that mek and I were actually in the same place together, and whats-his-ass was there too because he could not let me be happy about things without his presence, I fucking swear. But this isn't a rapist post, so let's move on.

2: I have mellowed considerably in my feelings towards Columbia, but I still refuse to ever move back there. It is not a place where I feel I can Exist.

3: That was actually pretty funny, because I got right off the bike and whirled around and started stalking towards them with my full on Teacher Glare and they immediately launched into "sorry sorry sorry, our friend's drunk, he wasn't aiming at you, we're sorry!" Boys.


PostScript: Often when I write deep sorts of things, I use the eye icon to show I'm feeling contemplative. But do you know what this icon is listed as in the keywords? "Boston Sorcy". This was my "yer a college student, Sorcy" present from Skullx, and you will notice that it has the Citgo sign in the background.

I pay silent tribute to that sign every time I see it.

Profile

sorcyress: Drawing of me as a pirate, standing in front of the Boston Citgo sign (Default)
Katarina Whimsy

February 2017

S M T W T F S
   1 234
567891011
12131415 161718
19 2021 22232425
262728    

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Feb. 23rd, 2017 04:06 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios