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Dec. 19th, 2011 01:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sorcyressSo, I don't really do the whole "casual nudity" thing.
I'm not against it, you understand. I routinely find myself in situations where there are people wandering around with no clothing on. It doesn't especially bother me, and I don't especially have any trouble interacting with them like I would with anyone else. Occasionally I get caught up in "damn they're hot", but to be perfectly honest, I do that with people who are fully dressed as well, and I always do what I can to not be creepy about expressing my admiration1.
But, even when given situations where it would be perfectly acceptable for me to be running around without a stitch on, my preference is still usually to wear clothing. Even in situations that meet my stringent requirements of "safe", even with people who I relatively trust2, even when temperature or activity actually makes nudity *preferential* to clothing, I still prefer to be dressed. And I find this worrysome, to wit, why am I so intent on being clothed when others find it unnecessary?
Part of the answer is almost certainly "because I have grown up as a female". Simply put, I have been taught for a very long time to hate my body, and even though I don't3, there is still that echo in the back of my mind every time I look into a mirror. "Gee your stomach looks round and squishy today." "Pity you have no shoulders, sure would make presenting male easier." "I would like you to know that you have fat ankles, and that is why you will never have legs like a dancer (or legs like a biker)" "Hahahaha, tits-what-tits?". My body is sub-optimal, and therefore I don't particularly want to show it off to the world, lest they note all the same little flaws I constantly see.
But that's mostly bullshit, because I have something closely resembling dat ass, and hair that cascades down my back, and big wide eyes, and sharp hipbones, and a genuine smile, and all in all, I am pretty fucking confident of my ability to look attractive, at least towards the sorts of people who would be attracted to me. Sure, my charisma is higher than my appearance, but that doesn't mean my app score is low. Just "lower".
So we get back to "why?". And I think I've figured out what the answer is. It's actually a lot of different answers, but they all boil down into one specific thought: I like clothes.
There are probably those of you ready to make comments of (real or mock) astonishment. "But you're a tomboy, Kat! But you're a geek! But clothes are a feminine pursuit and you've never shown interest in any of those before!". My responses are, as follows, "and?", "and?" and "fuck you twice." (For those confused, that would be once for implying I've never had an interest in feminine pursuits4, and once for implying that clothes are strictly a woman's toy. Neither is true.)
I like clothes because I find them physically comfortable. I do a very poor job of regulating my internal temperature3, and putting on or taking off layers of clothing can help with that. I like the feel of clothing against my skin --silk, or fleece, or cotton.
I like clothes because I approve of the way they change one's shape. Bras make my breasts look fuller, shaped a little more desirably. Tights or stockings hold the curves of my legs tight. Tall shoes give me a few extra inches. Binding helps me present as male. Certain coats can gently provide the illusion of broader shoulders.
[Racheline wrote something at some point (and I wish I could remember where) about the fact that society requires the body to do impossible things. It used to be that we could achieve those impossibilities through the use of proper undergarments (see also: corsets and the hourglass figure), but as layers have reduced and thinner, cheaper materials have become the norm, we now need to force our own body to provide that illusion --through extensive modification, dieting and exercise and the scalpel.]
I like clothes because I like giving people social cues as to how to interact with me. Erik wears different things from Kat. The outfit I wear for prospective employers is different from the outfit I wear for prospective friends. JoshZed once said something along the lines of "now I have to decide which kind of geeky t-shirt to wear" --if you're at a con, we all know you're strange, it takes something more to determine whether that strangeness leans towards math, towards history, towards video games, towards spending far too much time obsessing over the minutia of gender, sex, sexuality, and consent.
I like clothes because of gender, and sex, and sexuality, and consent.
I like clothes because I like costume --nay, because I _require_ costume in my daily life to retain some semblance of sanity. Because dressing up for work is just as much putting on a costume as dressing steampunk. Being in clothing gives me a sense of the role I am playing, and helps me immerse myself in the persona I am meant to behave as. Perhaps the simplest, sharpest, divide comes from getting dressed in the morning --I behave ever so subtly different when I am still in my pyjamas as opposed to once I have put on "real clothes" in the morning or afternoon.
I like clothes because I like art. Because I like colours. Because I like design. Because I like all the little details, even the ones you won't see. Because I like being visually striking, and I like people to notice that. Because seeing if this colour goes with this colour is an entertaining use of my time. Because the t-shirt has been elevated from underwear to a canvas, and there have been some glorious uses of that canvas.
And I like clothes because my body belongs to very few people, and there are many ways I modify or adorn it that I do not wish to explain to anyone else, ever. Clothing makes it easier to hide those changes, which makes it safer to have those changes. I would be a different person if I could never write on myself. The words you don't see are the words that would require explanation, over and over again, from every fool concerned enough to ask me what I say and why.
I like clothes, and I do not like being without them.5
And of course, it is not the slightest my business what you do or don't wear. Most times, I do not find myself bothered by the state of my fellows, because frankly, it generally doesn't have a single damn thing to do with me. I don't wish to sound anti-nudity, because I'm very much not. Personally though, it's not for me. Not casually, anyways.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: As an aside, if you have ever felt uncomfortable or creeped out by the way(s) I express admiration to you, please tell me (if you feel comfortable doing so). My e-mail is kdsorceress at gmail dot com, and I would like to know what I am doing wrong, so I can not do it in the future. I am hoping this aside is entirely unnecessary, but I've fucked up in the past with regards to how much casual touch/flirting/whatever someone is okay with, and I want to be better about that.
2: I mostly don't trust people. The ways I do trust people are not necessarily the ways they want to be trusted. It is the highest honour for me to trust that you will take care of me, and I'm not actually convinced anyone has that in full. If you're complaining about that fact, because clearly you would do anything I needed and take good care of me, well fuck you. I am too damaged an individual to easily trust you, and too honorable to lie that I do.
3: Well, I don't hate the physical appearance of it anyways.
4: You know what I hate? When I line up for a dance and someone goes "OMG, you're dancing GIRL?!", sarcastic or not. What the hell, yes I dance girl! Probably about half the time. There are very few dances or nights where I am strictly one role or the other --the exception is vintage, and I will dance the girl role for Marc, or Rach, or quite a few other people if that's what is preferred or necessary. My pride has always been not that I dance the typically male role, but that I dance both.
5: This is a sharp statement. I can enjoy perfectly well being naked, the fine art of lounging, preferably entangled, with someone adored. I sleep naked whenever I can get away with it --there is something luxurious about the event. I have swam naked with friends, and wandered topless with strangers, and spent many many nights being a naked toy for my sir while he is fully dressed, and all of those were lovely things. I do not always require or want clothing --sometimes the only thought that goes into getting dressed is "is this clean and weather appropriate".
But most of the time, there's something more.
I'm not against it, you understand. I routinely find myself in situations where there are people wandering around with no clothing on. It doesn't especially bother me, and I don't especially have any trouble interacting with them like I would with anyone else. Occasionally I get caught up in "damn they're hot", but to be perfectly honest, I do that with people who are fully dressed as well, and I always do what I can to not be creepy about expressing my admiration1.
But, even when given situations where it would be perfectly acceptable for me to be running around without a stitch on, my preference is still usually to wear clothing. Even in situations that meet my stringent requirements of "safe", even with people who I relatively trust2, even when temperature or activity actually makes nudity *preferential* to clothing, I still prefer to be dressed. And I find this worrysome, to wit, why am I so intent on being clothed when others find it unnecessary?
Part of the answer is almost certainly "because I have grown up as a female". Simply put, I have been taught for a very long time to hate my body, and even though I don't3, there is still that echo in the back of my mind every time I look into a mirror. "Gee your stomach looks round and squishy today." "Pity you have no shoulders, sure would make presenting male easier." "I would like you to know that you have fat ankles, and that is why you will never have legs like a dancer (or legs like a biker)" "Hahahaha, tits-what-tits?". My body is sub-optimal, and therefore I don't particularly want to show it off to the world, lest they note all the same little flaws I constantly see.
But that's mostly bullshit, because I have something closely resembling dat ass, and hair that cascades down my back, and big wide eyes, and sharp hipbones, and a genuine smile, and all in all, I am pretty fucking confident of my ability to look attractive, at least towards the sorts of people who would be attracted to me. Sure, my charisma is higher than my appearance, but that doesn't mean my app score is low. Just "lower".
So we get back to "why?". And I think I've figured out what the answer is. It's actually a lot of different answers, but they all boil down into one specific thought: I like clothes.
There are probably those of you ready to make comments of (real or mock) astonishment. "But you're a tomboy, Kat! But you're a geek! But clothes are a feminine pursuit and you've never shown interest in any of those before!". My responses are, as follows, "and?", "and?" and "fuck you twice." (For those confused, that would be once for implying I've never had an interest in feminine pursuits4, and once for implying that clothes are strictly a woman's toy. Neither is true.)
I like clothes because I find them physically comfortable. I do a very poor job of regulating my internal temperature3, and putting on or taking off layers of clothing can help with that. I like the feel of clothing against my skin --silk, or fleece, or cotton.
I like clothes because I approve of the way they change one's shape. Bras make my breasts look fuller, shaped a little more desirably. Tights or stockings hold the curves of my legs tight. Tall shoes give me a few extra inches. Binding helps me present as male. Certain coats can gently provide the illusion of broader shoulders.
[Racheline wrote something at some point (and I wish I could remember where) about the fact that society requires the body to do impossible things. It used to be that we could achieve those impossibilities through the use of proper undergarments (see also: corsets and the hourglass figure), but as layers have reduced and thinner, cheaper materials have become the norm, we now need to force our own body to provide that illusion --through extensive modification, dieting and exercise and the scalpel.]
I like clothes because I like giving people social cues as to how to interact with me. Erik wears different things from Kat. The outfit I wear for prospective employers is different from the outfit I wear for prospective friends. JoshZed once said something along the lines of "now I have to decide which kind of geeky t-shirt to wear" --if you're at a con, we all know you're strange, it takes something more to determine whether that strangeness leans towards math, towards history, towards video games, towards spending far too much time obsessing over the minutia of gender, sex, sexuality, and consent.
I like clothes because of gender, and sex, and sexuality, and consent.
I like clothes because I like costume --nay, because I _require_ costume in my daily life to retain some semblance of sanity. Because dressing up for work is just as much putting on a costume as dressing steampunk. Being in clothing gives me a sense of the role I am playing, and helps me immerse myself in the persona I am meant to behave as. Perhaps the simplest, sharpest, divide comes from getting dressed in the morning --I behave ever so subtly different when I am still in my pyjamas as opposed to once I have put on "real clothes" in the morning or afternoon.
I like clothes because I like art. Because I like colours. Because I like design. Because I like all the little details, even the ones you won't see. Because I like being visually striking, and I like people to notice that. Because seeing if this colour goes with this colour is an entertaining use of my time. Because the t-shirt has been elevated from underwear to a canvas, and there have been some glorious uses of that canvas.
And I like clothes because my body belongs to very few people, and there are many ways I modify or adorn it that I do not wish to explain to anyone else, ever. Clothing makes it easier to hide those changes, which makes it safer to have those changes. I would be a different person if I could never write on myself. The words you don't see are the words that would require explanation, over and over again, from every fool concerned enough to ask me what I say and why.
I like clothes, and I do not like being without them.5
And of course, it is not the slightest my business what you do or don't wear. Most times, I do not find myself bothered by the state of my fellows, because frankly, it generally doesn't have a single damn thing to do with me. I don't wish to sound anti-nudity, because I'm very much not. Personally though, it's not for me. Not casually, anyways.
~Sor
MOOP!
1: As an aside, if you have ever felt uncomfortable or creeped out by the way(s) I express admiration to you, please tell me (if you feel comfortable doing so). My e-mail is kdsorceress at gmail dot com, and I would like to know what I am doing wrong, so I can not do it in the future. I am hoping this aside is entirely unnecessary, but I've fucked up in the past with regards to how much casual touch/flirting/whatever someone is okay with, and I want to be better about that.
2: I mostly don't trust people. The ways I do trust people are not necessarily the ways they want to be trusted. It is the highest honour for me to trust that you will take care of me, and I'm not actually convinced anyone has that in full. If you're complaining about that fact, because clearly you would do anything I needed and take good care of me, well fuck you. I am too damaged an individual to easily trust you, and too honorable to lie that I do.
3: Well, I don't hate the physical appearance of it anyways.
4: You know what I hate? When I line up for a dance and someone goes "OMG, you're dancing GIRL?!", sarcastic or not. What the hell, yes I dance girl! Probably about half the time. There are very few dances or nights where I am strictly one role or the other --the exception is vintage, and I will dance the girl role for Marc, or Rach, or quite a few other people if that's what is preferred or necessary. My pride has always been not that I dance the typically male role, but that I dance both.
5: This is a sharp statement. I can enjoy perfectly well being naked, the fine art of lounging, preferably entangled, with someone adored. I sleep naked whenever I can get away with it --there is something luxurious about the event. I have swam naked with friends, and wandered topless with strangers, and spent many many nights being a naked toy for my sir while he is fully dressed, and all of those were lovely things. I do not always require or want clothing --sometimes the only thought that goes into getting dressed is "is this clean and weather appropriate".
But most of the time, there's something more.